Accomplishments.

    What a difference a few months can make in the course of life. Just as my life was turned upside down over night, I have come full circle over night. Around the Christmas holiday I had all but given up on finding a home for my son and I in the area. Lack of inventory and an influx  of out-of-staters (pukes) flocking to the state of Maine with expendable cash had made the house journey seem unattainable. However, I had put one final offer in on a house that had come up on the market in the small village of South Thomaston. To my surprise the owner accepted my offer and I found myself in a whirlwind of realtors, home inspections, bank appraisals, and mountains of paperwork. All during a pandemic no less. I am now the owner of a four bedroom ranch with an attached garage, workshop and a large deck nestled on an acre of land in between two farms. It was a three year journey, but I have finally accomplished what I set out to post divorce. I now have a stable home for my son & I. 

To stare out into the horse field in the morning while drinking my cup of coffee is a welcome relief. The home closing was a busy time between packing, and working. However, no sooner did I close on the home I had felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. The worry of not finding a place and soon to be priced out of the area with rent prices was now behind me. Most importantly I now have a place where my son and I can make memories that we will cherish going forward. Positive memories. 

Among other things, I feel that Esther and I have never been closer. The hiccup that we had this past December shows me that both her and I have what it takes to make the relationship work. That we are able to talk things out and work on it. That for me is a wonderful thing, I cherish her and her two boys. We are working on transitioning them here full time. It's nice to feel complete again, and to wake up and face life with the person that has been there for me the last few years, a person that knows my heart and has seen me at my worst, and at my best. Overall I feel like everything is going well with the transition. Blending five personalities is no easy task, but things are on a positive path and we are marching forward together as a cohesive unit. 

The weather is starting to turn. The trees are budding, blotches of color are returning to the coast. Patches of yellow, purples, blues and white are appearing in the fields and along the craggy ledges of rock in peoples yards. This is a time of year that I look forward to. Feeling the warmth of the sun on my body is an experience coming out of a long cold and windy winter. It warms the soul and pushes away the blues for a few short months. I see this summer being a continuation of the last few months as far as house projects go. Lots of yard work, clearing, burning, reshaping and carving the property into something that is ours. Colors, warmth, and filling the audible spectrum with the sounds of wildlife, birds, horses the geese that live behind and around the property. I see the lilies in the yard that are blooming and coming to life as a metaphor for my life at the moment. A new life blooming, I finally have a fresh start in a place that is mine, and a family to share it with. 

Personal goals for 2021

Hitting the reset button the last few weeks has been nice to say the least. the feeling of exhaustion has dissipated. I have had a chance to have some real quality one on one time with my son, and I have made it a point to get outside and go for long walks around town at night. Just me, my headphones, and the cold, dark, crisp winter nights that come with living in Maine. It's been refreshing, and has given me a chance to get some perspective on where I am headed on my soul journey. It's given me a chance to dissect and reflect on the relationships with people whom I love, and lastly it's given me the reset I need to feel a bit more vibrant than I am usually during this time of year. The SAD light coupled with the extra vitamin D that I have been taking may also be aiding in that struggle as well. 

The reflection on myself has been an interesting one thus far. To look back on the last three years and realize how much of an utter train wreck that I was is rather scary to think about. I'd like to think of the progress that I have made instead. The miles that I have traveled to accomplish this was no small feat, and the tears were plenty. The important thing is that I no longer feel black on the inside (yes, I do realize I am not going through a low as I write this, but nor am I manic high.)  The light is getting brighter, and instead of a constant destructive emotional storm, the landscape is starting to become serene. Partly cloudy skies, sunbeams kissing the landscape with a gentle warm breeze rolling across the harbor, with the sounds of laughter from the little eyes that are happy to have his Daddy back.  Of course, there are always things that need to be worked on. Like an old farm house that always has something needing to be done. Maintenance will continue.

Communication is one of those Items that I have struggled with all my life. Music was my escape as a kid. Always donning headphones so I wouldn't have to communicate with classmates that I loathed. Unfortunately, I feel as though because of that escape, coupled with wanting to withdraw due to depression, I stifled my learning of the ability to communicate effectively.  The Ironic part being that I am a communications major who facilitates corporate training classes who has a hard time communicating in my personal life. The thing that really bothers me about it, is that my inability to communicate effectively has hurt people that I love. This in turn hurts others as well as myself. This is something that I am going to have to continue to work on. It will be hard for me, but it needs to be done. The funny thing is since I have really been thinking about that and letting it sink in I have had a few scenarios where I needed to have discussions with family. These conversations where not easy, but they were accomplished. So this CAN be done.  

In other news I need to better regulate my depression & anxiety better. I have been on my current medication long enough where I now have a much better understanding on how it actually effects me. I have contacted my doctor to try to alter the medications that I am on. I find that they work most of the time, however, I find they tend to make me a bit agitated, because of this I find that I can become snappy, or I am more apt to just reprimand, versus reprimand and then educate my son when he does something wrong. This is not fair to him. I know this doesn't help my relationship with him, especially where he is wired to have big feelings. I want to be a father, not a dad. This is not to say that we have a bad relationship, we have an excellent relationship, I just want to become a better leader and mentor for him. 

I have (as well as others close to me) have noticed that behavioral issues have started to emerge with with my little eyes. Nothing major, but issues with not being kind, being sneaky, and lack of respect towards certain people. He has also verbalized that he is having a hard time with the divorce. Because of this, his mom and I have decided it would be a good idea to get him into counseling  to help sort out feelings, and has someone else to talk to besides me and his mom. Better to curb that behavior now than have it continue and explode into something uncontrollable when he is a teenager. I'm hoping for the best. I never went through the situation that he is in, so I can only imagine how confusing it can be. 

My Goals for 2021:

Communication

Managing my depression / anxiety better

Being more patient with my son

Help my son deal with the emotional aftermath of the divorce

Be more active

Sleeping in

I think I can speak to the vast majority of people out there when I say that the 2020 year has been extremely difficult on many fronts this year.  I hear talk from close friends that family life has been stressed, relationships have been stressed, some are out of work, many are tired of the confines of apartment life, and negativity is every direction that you turn, especially politically. I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't had my fair share of trials this year as well.  I will certainly be glad when 2020 comes to and end, and we can welcome a new year. 

I know that things will continue to remain tough for the first few months, but at least there is a light at the end of the tunnel for the turmoil that we have seen. The last few years have been a tough ride, moving back home, divorce, drab little bachelor pads, stressed out about living situations and making things work in the area I moved back to, the feeling like I don't belong in my own space, worrying about rejection, declining health of close family members. however, I am happy to report that after a tough few years that it appears I will be purchasing my own home for my son and I. This has been a goal since moving back to Maine in 2017. I am happy about it, and it will be a good place for my son to balance out and for me to plant my roots to be able to provide for him. Finally, I will have the space to be able to breathe and create again.  I feel a little bit lighter this week knowing that this is now a reality and not a pipedream I'm chasing. At some point I would love nothing more than to fill this home with the laughter and warmth of not only my son and I, but a few others as well. There may be no rebounding from this. 

Relationships are funny. It's one of those life things that you should have had classes on when you are a kid. However, we all know the school systems doesn't want to teach us anything that is actually useful in life. I try to nurture that wonderfully beautiful connection,  put forth effort, try to provide warmth, love , support and worry about not screwing up another relationship, just to watch it unfold. The irony of a relationship being on life support during the year of Covid  is not lost on me. My heart is heavy because of it. I'm tired of my heart being heavy. I'm tired of messing things up, I'm tired of failing, I'm tired of letting people down,  I'm just.......tired.  Maybe I just need to sleep in. 

 

I don't know what to expect for the coming year. I wasn't at all expecting the current year to play out and end as it has. I have experienced panic, sorrow, joy, heartache, and happiness this year. However, I have had the opportunity to wake up  every day, I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, a wonderful son, a wonderful family. I need to accept that what will be, will be. I may not like the outcome, and those are lessons that I have earned.  

What do you want your child to remember?

Recent events today had me strolling through youtube and listening to some Tedtalks. This is an interesting listen in regards to building memories and not setting expectations. Hug your child. Make those minutes count. What do you want your child to remember?

I'm just "Dad."

People come and go in life. Sometimes you know them, other times you really don't. Sometimes you realize how much a neurotic mess they have turned out to be. Even though those friendships may no longer be there it is rather sad to witness a perceived decline. The one thing that doesn't seem to change however are the excuses or placing of blame. Negating ownership of their own issues that drag on like a sinking fishing trawler destined for the sea floor. Always pointing the finger. A projection of their insecurities upon others. A reflection of ones self? Probably. 

How does one deal with someone like this, when they are tied biologically together? Sure, one can put up barriers. There is also only so long one can avoid the other.  One normally does not want to find themselves wishing days to pass as our time on this rock is short. However, I find myself counting the days until all of those awkward conversations are a distant memory. The daily or weekly interactions are a continuing punishment for a failed marriage. A constant reminder, as is phantom pain to the amputee who keeps reliving the accident that took his or her limb. 

Over the course of the last few years I have trudged through the pits of hell, dragging myself on broken hand and knee to the sunlight reaching and grasping for any shred of hope to make it through. I have struggled with navigating the waters of parenting my child in a fucked up post divorce situation. Finding out what works best for the connection that my son and I have. Anxiety, depression, second guessing myself, but always owning the situation with as much grace I can muster. Some days are better than others. Point being, is that regardless of the bad days, I have reached into myself to make that connection with my son the best way that I know how. I can only say what works for me. I can't tell you how to parent your own child.

The bitter me from two years ago would have told you that everything you have gone through the last two years was brought about because of your actions. However, I've moved past being a bitter person. Is it your fault that you are a neurotic mess because of how you grew up? No, but it's how you choose to deal with the situation.  Adding unnecessary anxiety to a situation doesn't help either party, especially when the situation is stressful enough as it is and that party is your son. We are divorced, yet here I find myself still helping out. Not because I want to help you, but because I feel bad for him. Through all the escalations we cannot grasp the fact that it could possibly be anything of your doing, so, let's just throw another clinical term out there. 

So, I will keep being there as a rock for my flesh and blood. I'll be there to give him a hug when he comes running through the door. I'll try not to count the days for the next ten years, and I'll continue to pick up the slack for him from any shortcomings that arise in his life. When I can't find a way to reach him, I will try another way and not escalate it, because that's what we are supposed to do.  What do I know though? I'm just "Dad."

The bringer of gifts

When going through a divorce, and post divorce I find myself dealing with the aggravating experience of people building relationships with my son. Watching this as an outsider is a rather frustrating experience. I hear talk of them, he shows up to the house with things that this other person has bought for him. I try to be open minded, and I try to make the argument in my head that the more people that support this kid the better, right?  This has been a constant throughout. This is rooted with the person that the ex cheated on me with (if not physically, then certainly emotionally) and has since moved in with. I've mentioned before in different posts that I keep my ears open as this person doesn't have a good reputation around this area. Although I have not heard anything I still keep my ears open. My son refers to him as his friend, and it's like nails on a chalkboard. In my head I'm telling him that he isn't his friend. I feel as though items are being purchased as a way to get into my sons good graces. Is it a jealousy thing, that this person gets to spend time with my son when I don't? I find myself worrying that over time I will be slowly replaced. I find myself worrying about manipulation taking place as other members of his family have been pushed out of his life in the name of  "self healing  and over coming trauma." Am I going to be pushed away or isolated?

It's not that I am proactively thinking about this type of stuff, hell, it's not like I proactively even think about them or that situation. However, when your son is mentioning things like this it's hard to avoid. I try to shrug it off when he is around and show interest. However, it's extremely hard. I'd like to think that it makes me a better person to take the high ground.  I am also aware that it makes me a hypocrite to talk about this as my girlfriend loves my son, and does the same types of things for him. I'm sure it drives his mom nuts, or then again, maybe not. After all, she is the one who decided to break the whole thing off. Does it also makes me a hypocrite because I do the same things for my girlfriends kids? Does their dad think or feel the same way about me? It's interesting waters to navigate, and even though it's been over two years since we have separated it doesn't seem to get any easier in certain aspects, this being one of them.

I try to get my thoughts into check. I find that I tell myself to control the controllables. This is something that I cannot control, so there is not point in wasting energy on dwelling over this. Easier said than done. As my son gets older I hope he is smart enough to see through the bullshit. However, there is that chance that he doesn't see it for what it is. Am I wrong for feeling this way?