June goals

Pushups- x 60

Bike (while in Atlanta) 30min

Run (when back at home) 3 days a week

Finish book

Finish modification paperwork

Positive affirmations

Your inner child pt.4

In between researching topics, I have been working on healing my inner child. During a letter that I wrote to my inner child I had finally been able to verbalize and talk about an incident that happened when I was in about 5th or 6th grade. This is something that I have always stuffed down deep inside myself and if it ever bubbled up to the surface I immediately  suppressed it back down. It came out during my writing and as uncomfortable as it was to acknowledge it, I was able to hold it and I was able to accept that it happened. That specific incident took place and set forth another incident in motion. A situation that I also stuffed down for years. I figured that this was a good opportunity to move forward with the healing of my inner child, but also a good opportunity to have a really difficult conversation. I reached out to my friend and asked if he could chat after work. I was dreading the conversation, and wasn't quite sure how I was going to approach it. 

The time came for me to call him, which I did. I had a huge spike of anxiety at first, but was able to get it under control. I had let him know that I was on a self help healing journey, and had filled him in on what was going on, talked to him about the concept of the inner child. Talked about how I was trying to heal from childhood traumas. This lead into the incident that took place, and explained the tremendous amount of guilt that I had carried for years about it and apologized. I had asked how it may have affected him over the years, and he said it didn't. He was able to forgive me and understood how that cycle could perpetuate itself. He ended it by saying I feel no different about you now, then before you called and stated that he was glad that I was on this journey and that it helps me to find happiness. It was by far the most awkwardly difficult conversation that I have had, but yet it turned out way better than I anticipated, I was shocked then and I am certainly shocked right now. I am glad that it turned out the way that it did, and I was proud of myself for being able to have that conversation. 

first time back

Yesterday was certainly a long day at work, with not a whole lot to do. Last night, however, was a lot of fun. Once work was done for the day I took care of the dog and then packed up and went over to her house for my date with the boys. It was a little weird rolling up to the house and I felt a little uneasy because I wasn't sure what to expect when I got there. I wasn't sure what was going to happen with her family when they saw me over there. I know she gave them heads up, but I was still apprehensive. Doggos was with me, and he was happy to be sniffing and running around the with other dogs. Surprisingly, not a whole lot was mentioned, Her sister did make a comment about the dog, but, if that's all the backlash that I received for the night then it was alright by me. The boys were really happy to see me, and were eager to have me come upstairs to play video games with them. I was eager to crack dad jokes and and learn all about Minecraft and Super Mario deluxe. I can't believe how much they changed in a fairly short amount of time. Not only growth wise, but maturity wise as well. It was really a great thing to see. You're doing a great job with them. 

They were both chatty and excited to see me, I got quite a few hugs from the little one followed by "I missed you so much" each time. This melted my heart. I missed them too. I'm so glad the connection with the boys is still there. They are great kids and I am glad to have them in my life. I'm honored to be dad. Once we were well into our adventure with Super Mario Brothers Deluxe it was time for supper. I hadn't eaten before I  came over, nor was I expecting to eat at your place. to my surprise, when I came down she had fixed me a plate of mac n cheese, dino nuggets, and carrots. That was super sweet. I got to eat with my family again. Another full bucket experience. I was taken back a bit more when the little one asked me if I could say grace, and that you let me say it. As awkward as it was for me to do that, especially in a house that's not mine, was an honor. I took it as the first step at leading my family into something with this second chance I have been blessed with. I would like to make that a tradition moving forward. To top it off I even got to have some of the oldest's left over birthday cake. I know she wasn't specifically saving it for me, but I can pretend that she was. 

After supper it was back to Mario brothers. We never made it to the boss in the land that we were in at that moment, but that's okay. we had a fun time stealing each others power-ups, accidently killing each other and then all sighing when it was time for bed. Another melt your heart moment was about to take place. Both boys wanted me to stay the night, and each of them brought me one of their blankets in the event that I chose to stay. Those boys are so sweet. I'm sure they were bummed that I had to head back to the house last night. Not because I didn't want to stay, because believe me, I did. I wanted to so badly spend the night with her. But I chose not to out of respect for her parents. 

Once the kids went to bed we got to spend some alone time together. We sat down and spent some time creating a list of things that need to happen within the time span that we have to work with. I thought it was a pretty good list. I was also able to give you your foot rub that I told you that i would give you. it was nice to see you relax for a little bit. This followed by some snuggle time, and tender kisses before I headed back to the house. Overall it was a good night. I was very happy that it happened. I was happy. 

Anxiety & the Butterflies within

Today is Wednesday. I got up and did my affirmations, and actually made myself an omelet for breakfast and some toast with your moms blackberry jam. I'm feeling pretty good, a little tired from running. Based on the weather and only giving myself a 1 day break from running since I have started, I think i'm going to take today off from running. If the rain holds off I'll take doggos for a walk. Today marks the first day that I get to go over and see you and the boys since we split., hang out, have some feel good moments together, and then to continue discussing a plan to transition. I'm excited, 41 years old and I have butterflies. An awakening realization of what I'm lucky to have, and the time spent apart. I guess absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Needless to say it is going to be a long day at work. 

per morning routine of the last few months, I listened to our horoscopes and started listening to Mel Robbins. Today was about the different kinds of anxiety. Under reacting and over reacting anxiety. She recognizes that she is an over reactor and interviewed her family members to see how it made them feel when she went into that mode. She also brought up a few different scenarios that happened in their family life, and how she responded. Sounds like we have something in common Mel. Overthinking and reactionary decisions? yep. That's me! 

She talked about being able to reign yourself in, and to have your partner keep you in check when they sense that is what you are up to. This spoke to me as this has been a talking point in our relationship at different points, and something I am going to work very hard on. I recognize this was a huge blow to our relationship last year (and a few other points.) It's us versus the world, not Matt versus the world. 

It was nice to see your face last night on our video chat. Although you had a long day of travel, work, and then tending to the kids, I appreciate you carving out time for me. It means a lot. You're a wonderful soul. You also found one of my favorite pictures of you. I was so excited when you sent it to me yesterday over text message. I thought it was lost forever. Stay beautiful<3

Take Control pt. 3

 I sat down this morning for a bit before work to finish the third class in Mel Robbins Take Control course. For a free course it was pretty decent. I was at least able to see why I was feeling "Meh" about things in my life, and why I didn't have energy.  What are my take aways from This course?

1. I want to excel

2. I was burned out & in survival/coping mode

3. I need to add things to my life that give me happiness

4. Over time that happiness will fill my cup, pushing a lot of my worries and stress out of my life. This provides clarity to see the bigger picture. 

5. My superpower is a being a "brick layer." I know each calculated step to get from point A to point B. Coping mode puts me in tunnel vision and I can't see the bigger picture. I can get lost along the way and not reach my end goal.  You are a dreamer. Your strength is my weakness, and my strength is your weakness.

6. Sitting down and writing 5 things per day that I want, big or small will help me balance the Brick layer vs. the dreamer mentality, and help to keep the bigger picture in focus.

What I want in life

Now that I have a clear head and am awake, I took some time to think about the things that I want in my life. I don't know if all these things will happen, but It's a list of things I really want. Things that sit in my heart. These are all things that I can envision when I close my eyes.  I try to keep names  out of my posts, so some of these things may be a bit genericized, but who knows, maybe you still read this thing........

Things that I want in life:

-You and the boys. The five us us under one roof

-I want to be a supportive partner

-I want to be a supportive father to all the kids

-I want to have fun & be more carefree

-Happy & Healthy (including healing traumas)

-Develop a house that's safe & full of love

-Do well in my career / Success

-Continue to do the record shop

-Travel out of the country at some point

-Continue to grow personally, mentally, spiritually

- Be a man with Integrity & teach the boys to live to that code

- Volunteer in the community at some point (the elderly?)

- Continue to grow and be more comfortable in my sexual life

-To be more present

- Have a back yard of kids playing 

-Grow old with the one that I love 

Yesterday was..........eventful

 Yesterday was a whirlwind of a day. In the morning I had taken care of the stuff that needed be taken care of. Typical stuff, clean house, dump run, sent out mail orders and then played some basketball in the drive way leading up to my therapy appointment. It was a really good session, I had filled her in as to what has transpired since we last met. I had let her know that I had sat down to set some boundaries with my ex-wife, which she wanted me to read to her. So, I did and she was rathe impressed with them She helped me reword them so that they weren't so much on the attack. She said they were solid boundaries, straight to the point and well worded. She armed me with some rebuttal statements as I am expecting to get flak for setting boundaries for myself . My plan is to email them tonight when I get back from dropping my son off. If I get any pushback I can use my rebuttal statements and if the boundaries are not honored then she will guide me as to what my options are at that point.

After working on the boundaries I had started talking to her about how I was losing my second family, and that my heart was telling me that we have been through entirely too much to throw out what we have. I whole heartedly believe that if we were to transition like we should have and seek help of a counselor that we could survive this and my goal is that it brings us closer together. I had let her know what my plan was. That I was going to honor your boundary of giving you space, but that I know if I give you six months like you had asked, that you would be gone and that I would have missed my opportunity. Knowing who you were with, knowing he was looking for a house, I saw the writing on the wall that you were going to settle for him and move in. I couldn't let that happen and told her that I need to fight and if you say no, then I will accept it and move on. 

I told her that I was struggling with the time frame, torn between honoring your request, to a point, but addressing the situation sooner than later. I had a handful of loose talking points that I wanted to bring up. My plan was to give you to the end of May, and then find you, and have my High Fidelity moment. My therapist said that I was worried about things that were out of my control. Don't worry about the timing, when the conversation is meant to happen, it's meant to happen and go from there. Stop worrying about the what ifs. So I said okay. I'll stop worrying about the what ifs, but I'm still planning on talking to her end of May before I head down to Georgia to help with my Nephews for two weeks. My thought was that it would give you two weeks to stew it over and more than likely reject me. I have  been praying for this situation for quite a few months at this point, since last year actually. I recently told God that This is so much bigger than I am, and I need help, I can't do this alone and that if he see's it that we are to be together it'll happen. Great conversation with the therapist overall. I made an appointment for next week.

After the appointment, we ate lunch and then decided to go hiking, Rheault Trail  near the Camden Snowbowl. Great little hike down through Mossy woods, following a really beautiful creek, The trail then winds up a hill and through the woods and dumps you out into the middle of these insanely gorgeous Blueberry fields. Know that we are supposed to get dumped with four days of rain, and the weather being gorgeous, we absolutely made the correct call to go hiking. We came home and played some more basket ball. Until you sent me a text. I glanced down and noticed it was quite a lengthy message, read through how you were reading my journal, proud of my progress and it's encouraging, but were also furious that I am just waking up now. I thought to myself "Well, I guess this is the opportunity, my last stand at the Alamo." I decided to call you at that moment instead of texting you back. You were crying when you answered, and I went into my dialog. I was proud of myself as I was able to get my points across with conviction, and without being an asshole about it (let's face it, i'm not wired to be an asshole.)  I spent the next 40 minutes pacing around my back yard, making points, and pointing at the ground vigorously with each point that I made. I emptied my soul out, it was raw. To the point that I had nothing else to say and stated that the ball was in your court now and that I would accept any outcome. 

You called me an Ass, but in a way that was caring if that makes sense, laugh crying. You heard me. I was finally awake &  I had gotten through to you. My prayers were answered and I couldn't have been happier. I am blessed to have another chance to save my family. To my surprise you wanted to come over to continue the conversation, AND you broke it off with the other guy. I was totally floored, and everything seemed surreal.   You came over last night, and we ate Chinese food and talked, talked a little bit about how we need a plan and don't want to rush it. Making sure it's done right. We then took a tub. It was nice for the both of us to be back in our talking tub. The water was hot, Emotions were high, and you had quite the release. It felt good to comfort you in my arms and rock you, and little you back and forth in the water. 

You brought face masks with you, which I was happy about as we used to do that together on our self pampering nights. It was nice to share that experience with you again. Watching silly video shorts that you sister sent you. White lady's of America! The rest of the evening is only for our minds and bodies to remember. However, a combination of love making and raw pounding I think is just what we needed, followed by soft kisses and cuddles.  We haven't missed a beat, and that connection is still there. I thought it was all a dream, I expected to wake up this morning and to find out that it was a dream and never took place. I peaked my eye open and there you were. Head on the pillow, peaceful calm on your face, and your naked body pressed up against mine. You were there, it really did happened. I felt a peace in my chest that I hadn't felt in a while. I'm going to be okay, WE are going to be okay.

Little guy and I at Rheault Trail

It's a go

Tonight was a good first session with the therapist. I think that it's going to go well. It was typical intake stuff, but I was able to get a good read on her and I felt comfortable talking to her. I'm looking forward to to getting into the meat and potatoes of everything I need to work through. It'll be a journey It was nice to get some stuff off my chest tonight anyway. I'm not sure where we are going to start, but both her and I certainly have our work cut out for us. My first homework assignment is to be self aware of where I am feeing these feelings and report back to her. Other than that it was a pretty low key day. I was able to go out jogging again tonight. For now it's gelato, Eldamar, and a hot tub. 

Research list

I developed a list of things that I want to either start or continue researching. I'm putting it here so If I lose my physical list I have a backup. I'll be crossing them off as I research them. 

- Reactionary decisions w/ anxiety

- Trauma Bonds vs. Soul Mates

- The art of letting go

- The happiness mindset

- Moving Forward

- Having hard conversations

- Self forgiveness

- Boundaries

- Open Communication tips