Emotionally exhausted

The last two days have been so emotionally exhausting. A huge chunk of the day yesterday was debriefing everything that has been going on, just to find out that you're already dating someone. I was so angry when I found out. fuming. I went from being sad about the situation to steaming. It took all I had to compose myself to force out the simple phrase "I'm happy that you're happy."  I was just 100% gutted. 

I didn't sleep last night. I tossed and turned, replayed scenarios in my head. What would have happened if I had done this, what would have happened if we had done that. Why didn't we go to therapy. We put the kids in, but didn't go ourselves. why didn't we start therapy before you guys moved in so that we could have had a smooth transition. The hours ticked by. Anger came back, followed by sadness and burning, cramping, nausea in my stomach. Knowing that you were coming over to get your stuff today, I thought about getting up, around 3:30am or so to start bringing all your stuff out of the attic into the garage. I decided not to, and to try to get some sleep. more tossing and turning took place. 

I finally did get out of bed around 6:45. I made coffee, and started taking your stuff out of the attic. I was so sad. That pain in my stomach was still there. My plan was to sit out in the backyard while you loaded your car. I decided to move to the stairs, with no intention of talking to you because the anger started coming back to me. I was able to shake off the anger and composed myself and made my way to you while you were loading the car. I'm glad I did because, because after the awkward small talk I got to debrief with you again. Another emotional breakdown ensued. It was good to chat with you, and I was proud of myself for asking if you settled for this guy or not. I know there is a history, but that's the feeling that I have about it. I don't know what hurts more, losing you as a lover or losing my best friend. 6 months is going to be a long time to see if we can be friends. God I hope you tell me you made a mistake. I need to focus on fixing myself and really doing the hard work. It was so apparent today that the connection is still there. we were so open and raw with each other. 

Once you left I decided to head out of the house. we took sausage down to the ocean for a bit and threw rocks into the ocean. tried to enjoy the weather and have some fun with the little guy. Played basketball for a bit.  I had the urge to message your new lover as I have a good working relationship with him and told him that you deserve to be happy and no hard feelings. it was so hard for me to do that, but i felt like it needed to be done. 

I had a big conversation tonight with Orion. that Daddy cannot live alone for the next 30 years and how incredibly lonely I am up here, and isolated , and I was so happy to have a family and how much I loved the five of us and because of his mothers interference I lost my family. I told him that it's important that when you love someone to never let anyone take that away from you, ever. I told him at some point down the road, hopefully I will have a family again in this house and  he needs to be okay with sharing me, and that he will never be forgotten, and that he doesn't have to fight for time with dad, there is enough of me to go around.

For the few views per entry that I get on this blog, I would absolutely love to think that you are one of the ones who consistently read.  I want you back, I should have told you to come home that day...... we should have gone to family therapy, even if we started  just a few months ago. We owed it to ourselves. I feel like we each worked on ourselves over the last 5 years, but we didn't bring in the outside tools to help us reinforce our relationship from the forces of evil. That deep soul level connection that we have deserved it and that's not fair to US that we didn't explore that path at the very least.

Bean

Something I wrote a back around mid October. You'd be arriving in two more months. I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I'm not well. Maybe you could be with me, just for a little while. 

I never thought I would be in a position in my life where I would be writing a letter to my unborn child. I know you were only a few weeks old, but I believe life starts at conception. You were only the size of a bean, but you were on your way to becoming a major part of my life in just a few short months. I won't have that chance to meet you.

    I said I believe life starts at conception, but I also believe the unborn choose who they want to be with. I take comfort in the fact you know who I am. I'm your father. Although I was not planning on having you , you chose us. I'd be lying if I would say I wasn't scared. I was, but I knew that I would have made it work I would have found a way to be a good father to you. I always wanted a daughter. I'm not sure if that's what you would have been been, but I can imagine.

    You were created out of love. Your Mother is very beautiful and I have no doubt you would have followed in her footsteps. You would have had 3 brothers. All different in their own right, but full of love. They would have done a wonderful job of protecting and looking out for you. you would have been surrounded by love and you would have provided the same to us. I've spent the last few weeks wondering what you would have looked like. What your interests would have been, what and or who you would have turned out to be. I didn't get a chance to meet you, but I love you. I love you because you are a part of me and because I love your mother. Even though you were to small to have a heartbeat, your heart would have been big and you would have been able to love deeply. 

I am saddened that I won't get to rock you, or have late nights with you, or see your first toothless smile and all of the other things that I would have loved to experience with you. I won't forget you. Weird to verbalize since I never met you, I'm sure you understand what I mean. I hope to meet you some day, maybe when the time comes for me to pass. I know your mom won't forget you either. Thank you for bringing us closer together & please look after her and your brothers. They would have loved  you. Say hello to Leigh , Doris, and Normand for me. You would have been my little princess. 

Your name would have been Lane Leigh Dionne. 

Love,

Dad

A Lesson in Perception

An interesting thing about life is that any specific scenario that is to play out when looked at through the lens by different people can be perceived a totally different way. A lesson that I am learning at the moment. Sometimes actions, though backed by good intentions, can be perceived a totally different way than I am seeing them. Is anyone's perception incorrect? Are they wrong for feeling the way they do about the scenario that is unfolding? One side of the fence sees the scenario playing out because of love and not wanting any more hurt to come to them. The other side sees them being abandoned, and the feeling they were never loved. This of course hurts to hear, but I can't change their perception, and that is their reality of the situation. one scenario, and two different realities that come with it.......

"There are always two people in every picture: the photographer and the viewer."

            - Ansel Adams 

Accomplishments.

    What a difference a few months can make in the course of life. Just as my life was turned upside down over night, I have come full circle over night. Around the Christmas holiday I had all but given up on finding a home for my son and I in the area. Lack of inventory and an influx  of out-of-staters (pukes) flocking to the state of Maine with expendable cash had made the house journey seem unattainable. However, I had put one final offer in on a house that had come up on the market in the small village of South Thomaston. To my surprise the owner accepted my offer and I found myself in a whirlwind of realtors, home inspections, bank appraisals, and mountains of paperwork. All during a pandemic no less. I am now the owner of a four bedroom ranch with an attached garage, workshop and a large deck nestled on an acre of land in between two farms. It was a three year journey, but I have finally accomplished what I set out to post divorce. I now have a stable home for my son & I. 

To stare out into the horse field in the morning while drinking my cup of coffee is a welcome relief. The home closing was a busy time between packing, and working. However, no sooner did I close on the home I had felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. The worry of not finding a place and soon to be priced out of the area with rent prices was now behind me. Most importantly I now have a place where my son and I can make memories that we will cherish going forward. Positive memories. 

Among other things, I feel that Esther and I have never been closer. The hiccup that we had this past December shows me that both her and I have what it takes to make the relationship work. That we are able to talk things out and work on it. That for me is a wonderful thing, I cherish her and her two boys. We are working on transitioning them here full time. It's nice to feel complete again, and to wake up and face life with the person that has been there for me the last few years, a person that knows my heart and has seen me at my worst, and at my best. Overall I feel like everything is going well with the transition. Blending five personalities is no easy task, but things are on a positive path and we are marching forward together as a cohesive unit. 

The weather is starting to turn. The trees are budding, blotches of color are returning to the coast. Patches of yellow, purples, blues and white are appearing in the fields and along the craggy ledges of rock in peoples yards. This is a time of year that I look forward to. Feeling the warmth of the sun on my body is an experience coming out of a long cold and windy winter. It warms the soul and pushes away the blues for a few short months. I see this summer being a continuation of the last few months as far as house projects go. Lots of yard work, clearing, burning, reshaping and carving the property into something that is ours. Colors, warmth, and filling the audible spectrum with the sounds of wildlife, birds, horses the geese that live behind and around the property. I see the lilies in the yard that are blooming and coming to life as a metaphor for my life at the moment. A new life blooming, I finally have a fresh start in a place that is mine, and a family to share it with. 

Looking from the outside In

 I like walking around the city at night in the winter time. Aside from the exercise it's nice to strap on a set of headphones and bomb around the streets in the dark. I've always liked walking when it's dark. It's peaceful, you can clear your head or get things sorted out. I've figured out many of my life's problems while on walks. The other thing that I do enjoy about it, especially in the winter time, are the small glimpses of other peoples lives that you see while walking by houses or apartments. You get to see just a glimpse of where people are at in their lives. Some are sitting and eating dinner with their family, others are watching television, working on art projects, taking a break from doing dishes to give their significant other a hug, while some folks are sitting at their tables working on paperwork or playing cards. With the amount of time that I have spent at the apartment in the last 12 months, it's nice to see these simple, yet wonderful human actions while I am walking by. It was especially nice, however, equally depressing during the holiday season. It was nice to see the family's in their homes, talking, or sharing laughs and drinks. Yet I found myself at times missing my family. the street lights are nice, and some of the folks still have their Christmas lights up, although it's getting fewer and fewer. The glow of the lights was a nice touch, even the folks that are growing pot plants in their windows under black lights. It's nice reminder that there is calm in the world and that people are still human, and even though a lot of folks are quarantining, they are still making connections with their loved ones. Maybe it's just because I want a family. 

The time spent this past week helping out has been a nice reminder of that. I miss the interaction with everyone. The laughs, and excitement, and snuggles. It's nice to know that we are working on things, it's nice  to have open and deep discussion about what we are and where we are going. Of course I realize there are some things that I need to focus on to make me a better partner. 

1. Communicating effectively

2. providing a safe environment 

3. be aware

These need to happen.

Being Erased

 The wounds are starting to heal today, although they remain tender. The band aid that was placed over the wound was ripped off yesterday in an ugly release that had been building up for a while. It was exhausting. The feeling of rejection and being erased was more than I could bare, but something that I needed to see, and feel for the point to be made and really driven home. It hurt, and It was exhausting.  You got to see a side of me last night that very few people in my life have seen. Even though both of us are hurting right now, and even though I felt like I was breaking, and being torn in half in an emotional agony you stayed by my side to help me work through it, you stayed tender & showed me comfort that no other partner has shown me. You never cease to amaze me the ability for you to show love and empathy for those that you truly care about. You have a wonderful soul, and I'm blessed to have you ,at the very least, for now,  a friend in my life. 

Two Energies

I've never connected with a person as I have with you.

Our energies twisting and dancing , embracing each other.

Akin to wisps being carried on the gentle wind. Or,

light beams racing through time and space.

Our souls, playing a friendly game of chase;

Like two children playing on a grassy knoll.

Though apart, I can still feel your glow.

Like, a radiant light that warms up my soul.

That helps to bring healing , a reminder of ;

What was, and can be,

Because of the connection between you and me.

So, let us heal, and come back as one.

Let our passion grow as hot as the sun.

Entangled together we make love in the sky,

while the laughter of two children can be heard

As the wisps float on by.....

Sleeping in

I think I can speak to the vast majority of people out there when I say that the 2020 year has been extremely difficult on many fronts this year.  I hear talk from close friends that family life has been stressed, relationships have been stressed, some are out of work, many are tired of the confines of apartment life, and negativity is every direction that you turn, especially politically. I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't had my fair share of trials this year as well.  I will certainly be glad when 2020 comes to and end, and we can welcome a new year. 

I know that things will continue to remain tough for the first few months, but at least there is a light at the end of the tunnel for the turmoil that we have seen. The last few years have been a tough ride, moving back home, divorce, drab little bachelor pads, stressed out about living situations and making things work in the area I moved back to, the feeling like I don't belong in my own space, worrying about rejection, declining health of close family members. however, I am happy to report that after a tough few years that it appears I will be purchasing my own home for my son and I. This has been a goal since moving back to Maine in 2017. I am happy about it, and it will be a good place for my son to balance out and for me to plant my roots to be able to provide for him. Finally, I will have the space to be able to breathe and create again.  I feel a little bit lighter this week knowing that this is now a reality and not a pipedream I'm chasing. At some point I would love nothing more than to fill this home with the laughter and warmth of not only my son and I, but a few others as well. There may be no rebounding from this. 

Relationships are funny. It's one of those life things that you should have had classes on when you are a kid. However, we all know the school systems doesn't want to teach us anything that is actually useful in life. I try to nurture that wonderfully beautiful connection,  put forth effort, try to provide warmth, love , support and worry about not screwing up another relationship, just to watch it unfold. The irony of a relationship being on life support during the year of Covid  is not lost on me. My heart is heavy because of it. I'm tired of my heart being heavy. I'm tired of messing things up, I'm tired of failing, I'm tired of letting people down,  I'm just.......tired.  Maybe I just need to sleep in. 

 

I don't know what to expect for the coming year. I wasn't at all expecting the current year to play out and end as it has. I have experienced panic, sorrow, joy, heartache, and happiness this year. However, I have had the opportunity to wake up  every day, I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, a wonderful son, a wonderful family. I need to accept that what will be, will be. I may not like the outcome, and those are lessons that I have earned.  

Cultural Taboos about suicide and depression.

This ties into my last post. It's a really powerful story. The Stigma needs to change in order to have the discussion. Enjoy.

I'm Good.

Living with depression is something that I have grown accustom to. I have dealt with it on and off through out the course of my life. It was something I was always aware of growing up. I saw my mother deal with it while I was entering my teenage years. My maternal grandfather has anxiety issues, and my paternal grandfather was a manic depressive. I almost missed one of my good friends weddings when I was in my early twenties because of it.  It manifests itself in different forms, sometimes Anxiety, sometimes a dark hole consumes me and I struggle to climb my way back out. It's always the same pattern. Climb out of my hole and ascend to a manic high, then crash within a day or two and enter a world of shadows and cold even though the sun is shinning, this might last a day or a few weeks.
       Most of the time I am able to mask or hide from most of the world what is going on, I can get by with a simple one liner..."I'm good or I'm fine." My girlfriend seems to always know when I am not feeling well. There have also been times when my son has asked me if was okay. He's seven, but he's not stupid. He knows when I am not feeling well. The worst feeling in the world is knowing you are not okay, and having to answer that question that you are fine to your son. He knows I'm sad, but it's not a world that he needs to know anything about right now. I'm afraid it will be a part of his life.

The worst part about it are the games that it plays with your head. It's something that I struggle with. Even on medication  The ways depression effects me.

• Tells me I'm a bad Father
• Tells me I'm a bad partner
• Tells me I'm horrible at my job
• Tells me I'll never be able to afford a life
• Mental pain
• Physical pain
• Feelings of emptiness or despair
• Disconnected (thousand yard stare)
• Intrusive images
• Agitation
• Lower sex drive
• Guilt about my son having to bounce between two houses
• Crying at random
• Isolation / Withdrawing 
• Hard time concentrating

But I trudge through it day by day. Some days are better than others. I mention these things because it's a way for me to process and finally put out into the open and visualize how this effects me. Maybe someone else will see this and realize they are not alone. There is a big stigma with mental health in our country, especially with the male population. We shouldn't be embarrassed, we shouldn't  feel like we need to default to "I'm fine." We should hold each other accountable and have that discussion, as hard as it may be. Those discussions can make a difference, especially when you have little ones watching you.

I'm just "Dad."

People come and go in life. Sometimes you know them, other times you really don't. Sometimes you realize how much a neurotic mess they have turned out to be. Even though those friendships may no longer be there it is rather sad to witness a perceived decline. The one thing that doesn't seem to change however are the excuses or placing of blame. Negating ownership of their own issues that drag on like a sinking fishing trawler destined for the sea floor. Always pointing the finger. A projection of their insecurities upon others. A reflection of ones self? Probably. 

How does one deal with someone like this, when they are tied biologically together? Sure, one can put up barriers. There is also only so long one can avoid the other.  One normally does not want to find themselves wishing days to pass as our time on this rock is short. However, I find myself counting the days until all of those awkward conversations are a distant memory. The daily or weekly interactions are a continuing punishment for a failed marriage. A constant reminder, as is phantom pain to the amputee who keeps reliving the accident that took his or her limb. 

Over the course of the last few years I have trudged through the pits of hell, dragging myself on broken hand and knee to the sunlight reaching and grasping for any shred of hope to make it through. I have struggled with navigating the waters of parenting my child in a fucked up post divorce situation. Finding out what works best for the connection that my son and I have. Anxiety, depression, second guessing myself, but always owning the situation with as much grace I can muster. Some days are better than others. Point being, is that regardless of the bad days, I have reached into myself to make that connection with my son the best way that I know how. I can only say what works for me. I can't tell you how to parent your own child.

The bitter me from two years ago would have told you that everything you have gone through the last two years was brought about because of your actions. However, I've moved past being a bitter person. Is it your fault that you are a neurotic mess because of how you grew up? No, but it's how you choose to deal with the situation.  Adding unnecessary anxiety to a situation doesn't help either party, especially when the situation is stressful enough as it is and that party is your son. We are divorced, yet here I find myself still helping out. Not because I want to help you, but because I feel bad for him. Through all the escalations we cannot grasp the fact that it could possibly be anything of your doing, so, let's just throw another clinical term out there. 

So, I will keep being there as a rock for my flesh and blood. I'll be there to give him a hug when he comes running through the door. I'll try not to count the days for the next ten years, and I'll continue to pick up the slack for him from any shortcomings that arise in his life. When I can't find a way to reach him, I will try another way and not escalate it, because that's what we are supposed to do.  What do I know though? I'm just "Dad."

Surviving Divorce

An interesting Ted talk about surviving divorce and three positive things that you can do to help aid you in your journey of self realization and healing. Step three is the part that really hit home for me. Pulling yourself back together and realizing who you are, what you you do, who your friends are.  connecting to people and activities that help define who you are. It was a fairly painful process to go through, but necessary.  

1. Sleep

2. Cultivate Self compassion

3. Pull yourself back together again

Living with a person who has Narcissistic traits

Over the last two years I have been trying to not only figure myself out, but also learn from the past. What can I take away from divorce and my situation to learn from as I rise from the ashes. Sure, I'm not perfect, I realize that. There are things that I could have done differently, as to if it would have made a difference, who knows. I have been, however, dissecting the many facets of who I was married to as a person. trying to peel the layers back, and look deeper into that person based on red flags, and research that I have been doing. I have been wrestling with the fact that the person that I was married to indeed is a Narcissist, not a full blown Narcissist, but certainly hitting multiple points. It's an interesting situation because the image that is painted or portrayed is of someone who is empathetic, and, as of now, immersed in the world of  self healing and helping others. At first glance one would think that narcissism is not the case, which is why I have been wrestling with this revelation, and the irony of the situation at hand.

If one does research on the internet you will be quick to find that there are a handful of reasons why one can be narcissistic. Now, everyone has narcissistic tendencies, however there are a handful of reasons that the person I was married to seems to hit.  The constant manipulation and twisting of conversations to her favor, after what I feel was me being gas lighted for the last few years of our marriage. The fact that she was never wrong, ever, and to this day still is not wrong if there is a disagreement. How about the fact that my anxiety is half of what it used to be when I was around her, most of her old long term friends have cut her off, as well as her burning bridges with most of her family for some wrong doing of theirs, never hers (Part of me wonders if her new boo is working the isolation angle as most of her relationships that have been burned or strained have been since he has come into the picture. ) over the years has been and continues to be  judgmental of other people to the point of ruining past friendships. She would get upset if I chose to not respond to her when I knew she was trying to bait me in an argument. That used to drive her nuts, and it still does to this day.  The list goes on, again not all points are hit, but there are plenty that she does hit. 

The weird thing is that all of this stuff never really hit me while I was in the marriage, I just knew something was wrong. It wasn't until we split, that I started paying attention to the other relationships that she was involved in and they were starting to fall apart. I began connecting what other people were saying to my own experiences. I have my own suspicions that she was cheating on me when we moved back to Maine, if not physically then certainly emotionally as she was very quick to move her interest into the house after I moved out. Yet another common trait found among people with narcissistic tendencies.  I have also heard they met at my current place of employment, and then both quit together to ultimately work for another employer together.  I'll never truly know. 
               
What I do find interesting is that through out the years a common conversation was about how her mother was very much the same way, and that she wanted to become nothing like her mother. This seemed to be a reoccurring conversation over the almost 15 years that we were together. It wasn't an every day conversation, but something that came up a few times a year. To hear members of the family mention in the past that she is headed in that direction makes me feel sad for her. So much time and effort over the years talking about what she didn't want to be, and she is headed down that same path. I find that to certainly be about as ironic as ironic gets. It's been interesting having these revelations, and it was certainly painful living in that situation during the last two years of my marriage. I knew that we were drifting apart, my anxiety was off the charts, she started spending more and more time involved with projects, or going to friends houses from morning until later in the evening while I was at home with our son. feeling like I had to walk on eggshells around her . It made it hard to exist. It certainly took a toll on my nerves and my mental health. To the point where it makes me hyper aware of things now and question the things that she does or her motive. on the Plus side, my anxiety is since under control, and the crashing waves of stress from the initial fall out of divorce has subsided. I'm starting to see things more clearly, and still getting used to my new routines, and new life that I have started forging for myself post divorce. I have a great support system. I wish I would have seen the signs, while I was in my marriage. I also failed to make the connection that the traits that haunted her from her mother may also lead into her behavior later down the road. 

if you find yourself living with a person who has Narcissistic tendencies or traits and are not sure where to look or what to do, I have provided a few links below. 

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder
How to deal with a Narcissist

Where is everyone?

The thing that I have learned is that divorce has many different branches to it. Sure there is the direct effect that it has on the two parties involved. It stems out and has direct effect on the families that were initially brought together with the marriage, and it has a huge impact, on the children (if any) that are a product of the marriage as well. A common trend that I have heard from multiple people through out the last two years is that children are resilient. Sure, they are resilient and we hope that the two adults involved directly in the divorce and aftermath are grown-up enough to keep the negativity to a minimum, and ultimately lessen the impact that the situation has on the child. I think that any decent parent would also hope that the circle of support for that child remains a constant from both separate camps as well. At the end of the day it is not the child's fault that the marriage didn't work out. Hell, the child had no say weather they were brought into the world to begin with. The least you can do is to support the child. 

Now, with that being said, I get that we live in a day and age where our society is always on the go. People cannot afford to live unless people are working 40+  hours a week. It's tough for a working family to succeed now a days, let alone a single parent. Time is precious, and things need to get done. People need to prioritize.  However, the things that need to get done also include supporting your developing child emotionally, and being there physically and mentally for them as well. This should always take top priority. 

  I'm starting to get far enough into fatherhood and post divorce now where I have started to notice small things. My son has started to notice small things as well and he is starting to make those connections. We were at his basketball game this past weekend. I of course was in the stands, as always. The holder of the water, the snacks, the jackets, the extra shoes, and of course the supporter, and the encourager (is that a word?)  This was another week of basketball where I was the only one of his family member there for him. He didn't say anything directly to me about no one else from the family being there, however he did mention that his friend had a lot of people there to see her play. which was true, historically she usually has many of her family members in the stands cheering for her.  I tried to spin it back around that I was there for him and that I was excited to root for him in the bleachers. Shortly after the game started and  I noticed that through out the game he was looking into the stands to see if anyone else had shown up, of course no one did. It broke my heart. Life happens, I get it, however there always seems to be  excuses.

Now, I know that it is my job to worry about what I am able to control. I do the best I can to make sure that my son feels like he is supported, whether I am not feeling well or if I have to cancel plans to make sure something happens. Not being there for my sons basketball game (as an example) is just not an option. This goes for anything that he does or wants to do. That might be music lessons, swim lessons etc. As parents we have a choice, we can choose to be in our children's lives, and if we make that choice it needs to be all or nothing.  It shouldn't matter if it puts you out of your comfort zone or encroaches on something else that you would rather be doing. Life stopped being about you when you made the decision to have children, let's start acting like it and show some support because one day it's going to be too late and they will know who was there for them and who was there for them when it was convenient.  As we progress through the rest of the basketball season, and other events this year I hope to see more participation on the part of other people, although I am not hopeful. 

.....Of head-walks and sing-a-longs.

Coming out of the Holiday and New Year season, I find myself drawn to songs and albums that bring me back to a simpler time. A time when I was still cutting my teeth on the music scene, when I was realizing there was beauty in chaos and aggression, that music could be used as a weapon for change and the DIY ethic that came with it. A time before I was constantly tired, and every weekend was filled with friends, stage dives and high fives ( to quote a favorite New England band, I'll let you figure that one out.) Is part of my life. It's Unfortunate, but for a time I was completely burned out on it. Shows every weekend, writing a fanzine, interviewing bands,  starting my own band, playing my own gigs on top of 40 hour work weeks. I have been removed from this music scene ultimately for the last ten years. I have found myself being drawn back to it as of recent.  I think as therapeutic as it was for me as a teenager and into my late 20's it still proves to be a huge part of who I am and a much therapeutic release for me today.

A flood of memories comes back to me from hundreds of shows over the years. Meeting so many wonderful people. So many good times leading up to shows, giving all of my blood , sweat , and sometimes tears ( in the case of the Hatebreed set in New Hampshire at the Bombshelter shortly after my cousin died in the Station night club in Rhode Island.) I think that when I was a kid it was a way for me to feel like I had a place to fit in, a place to quell anxieties that I had at the time. Very much my therapy. I could deal with whatever bullshit I needed to during the week, but on the weekend we were hitting the shows all over New England. I look back on that time fondly and wouldn't change it for the world.

Now a days, it's therapeutic to me in the sense of bringing back good feelings. If i'm having a hard time I know if I put on, say,  Terrors "Lowest of the Low" album, or Strife's "in this defiance" album that it's an instant mood changer for me. The aggression of those albums, and the great memories that they bring back to me are monumental.  who every says aggressive music cannot be positive is full of shit. These feelings have been elevated for me over the last week with the announcement of the Death Before Dishonor show at Genos in Portland. A lot of old heads are going to be coming out for the show, and my best friends band will be opening up for the show.

This will be big for me as well in the sense that this is the first time in 15 years that I will be going to a hardcore show without my ex-wife. To be honest it's a little weird as she was always with me. So, I feel that this is really the final step to leaving the old life behind. I'm being reborn in the sense of gravitating back towards the music scene I cut my teeth with something that meant so much to me, and something that truly made me happy, with a woman I love that also makes me happy, and will be surrounded by friends that make me happy as well.  I was extremely moved that my girlfriend wanted to go to the show, because she knows how much this world and life meant to me and helped define who I am as a person.  It's nice to continue marching forward with someone who is truly into it and not going through the motions and to be able to share something so special with someone special.

Mistletoe

The smell of food, 

and candles fill the air.

I've hung the mistletoe,

but there's no one here.

I miss you. 

Skills for healthy relationships

I was doing some research today in regards to being a better romantic partner. Trying to learn from my mistakes. I ran into a TEDtalk with Dr. Joanne Davila. She made some good points.  She discussed having insight, mutuality and emotion regulation. Romantic Competence. 

Insight- Why are you doing the things that you are doing? with insight you can learn from your mistakes and develop a better understanding for what is right for you.

Mutuality- Both people have needs & Both sets of needs matter. Needing to be willing to meet your partners needs.

Emotion Regulation- Regulating your emotion in response to things that happen in your relationship.

she goes into each point a little more in depth, and has some examples for each one. There is a lot of information in a short amount of time. It's worth the watch.