I'm just "Dad."

People come and go in life. Sometimes you know them, other times you really don't. Sometimes you realize how much a neurotic mess they have turned out to be. Even though those friendships may no longer be there it is rather sad to witness a perceived decline. The one thing that doesn't seem to change however are the excuses or placing of blame. Negating ownership of their own issues that drag on like a sinking fishing trawler destined for the sea floor. Always pointing the finger. A projection of their insecurities upon others. A reflection of ones self? Probably. 

How does one deal with someone like this, when they are tied biologically together? Sure, one can put up barriers. There is also only so long one can avoid the other.  One normally does not want to find themselves wishing days to pass as our time on this rock is short. However, I find myself counting the days until all of those awkward conversations are a distant memory. The daily or weekly interactions are a continuing punishment for a failed marriage. A constant reminder, as is phantom pain to the amputee who keeps reliving the accident that took his or her limb. 

Over the course of the last few years I have trudged through the pits of hell, dragging myself on broken hand and knee to the sunlight reaching and grasping for any shred of hope to make it through. I have struggled with navigating the waters of parenting my child in a fucked up post divorce situation. Finding out what works best for the connection that my son and I have. Anxiety, depression, second guessing myself, but always owning the situation with as much grace I can muster. Some days are better than others. Point being, is that regardless of the bad days, I have reached into myself to make that connection with my son the best way that I know how. I can only say what works for me. I can't tell you how to parent your own child.

The bitter me from two years ago would have told you that everything you have gone through the last two years was brought about because of your actions. However, I've moved past being a bitter person. Is it your fault that you are a neurotic mess because of how you grew up? No, but it's how you choose to deal with the situation.  Adding unnecessary anxiety to a situation doesn't help either party, especially when the situation is stressful enough as it is and that party is your son. We are divorced, yet here I find myself still helping out. Not because I want to help you, but because I feel bad for him. Through all the escalations we cannot grasp the fact that it could possibly be anything of your doing, so, let's just throw another clinical term out there. 

So, I will keep being there as a rock for my flesh and blood. I'll be there to give him a hug when he comes running through the door. I'll try not to count the days for the next ten years, and I'll continue to pick up the slack for him from any shortcomings that arise in his life. When I can't find a way to reach him, I will try another way and not escalate it, because that's what we are supposed to do.  What do I know though? I'm just "Dad."

Outbreak.

Today is day 17 or 18 of Quarantine from the COVID-19 virus that we have been blessed with. I've been working from home for the last few weeks, and have only left the house to go for a drive out to Port Clyde and to go grocery shopping at one point. We are are supposedly under a shelter in place order until the end of April per state Governor. Today is the 7th, it's going to be a long couple of weeks. Everything is crazy at the moment and no one really seems to know what is going on. We are self distancing as much as possible, however, for the folks that have actually been maintaining their social distancing we are starting to go stir crazy. The balance ( for those of us who still have work) of working and also trying to keep up with our kids homeschooling is proving to be tough. Tensions seem to be on high with a lot of people, neighborhoods are quiet. Thank god for the big yard that we have for Orion to play in. That will be out saving grace i think for the next few weeks. 

There is a weird vibe while on foot in town. You can see the look of panic in peoples eyes as they peer over their face masks. Judging, calculating if the person that they walk past are infected. Everything seems to be falling apart. I feel like we are all running on adrenaline. The crash is going to come for a lot of people. It's weird how fast things can change. Large truck trailers have been brought into NYC to use as makeshift morgues. They are talking about using the public parks in NYC as makeshift grave sites if the cemetery and crematories get over run. There is no leadership at the state or the federal level. It's crazy. They make movies out of this stuff. it's very surreal, and where we are in the moment, I don't know if it will truly hit until everything is said and done to the tunes 100-200 thousand deaths in just our country alone. I've never seen anything like this before. The whole country has come to a halt. The world for that matter. Much of the world is on a lock down. 

Sanitize, wash your hands, sanitize, wear a mask, wipe down your groceries, wipe down your wipes, wipe down the door knobs, disinfect your mail. disinfect your disinfectant. Chaos. Media hype, all at the same time trying to maintain your house, your children, your friendships, your sanity. The eye opening thing has been how the general public has handled the situation. we are not at the point of riots, and general pandemonium, and hopefully we never reach that point. It has come out in the entitlement that Americans have. The hoarding, the defying stay at home orders, the general disregard for the health of the elderly and others they come in contact with. The instant gratification generation cannot be bothered to alter their life for the sake of others. On the flip side it is not all negative, I have seen communities get together to try to help each other out Weather that be shopping for others, pop up PPE stations to assist the healthcare workers on the front line, Keeping people informed of where certain products (Toilet paper, cleaning essentials, etc.) are being located. There has been some good to say the least. I can't wait for this to be over.