Full Custody pt.3 & Insurance

This morning was productive at least. I had a meeting with a lawyer regarding the water damage situation that took place last summer. We had a consultation about potential representation and taking the company to court. Due to the claim being upwards of $21,000 I am not able to handle this in small claims court. It's going to cost at least $3000 to get to the mediation table and no guarantees on an offer to settle, and may lead to trial at that point. on top of that if I do win my case he's gonna take another $5000 off the top of what ever is awarded. So I may have to spend $8000-$10000 to pocket $2000-$3000 bucks. Talk about discouraging. He's going to forward all of the information that we talked about and I've got some analyzing and thinking to do on this. I'm not sure how the hell I'm gonna get that paid off. Insurance companies are such a fucking scam. They make a living off of other peoples misfortunes and somehow sleep well at night. Talk about sociopaths....

I paid for a full hour consultation on the matter and had time left over so I decided to get a second opinion about obtaining full custody of my son based on his mother being manipulative, narcissistic, weaponizing  and having him live with an abusive alcoholic for a year plus and lying to me about said information. That I have a copy of the PFA against her ex and that I didn't find out about it until the day she called to tell me she just put it against him. He stated that I don't have a case. It would need to be a situation of abuse, neglect, drug related for me to have a shot. He concurred that I could change the custody agreement to have me listed as primary resident, which really would only come into play in the case of child support payments, and that I could get allocated rights to make decisions on medical, educational decisions, etc. in the event of disagreement. He stated that it would really just be a "one up" on her on the paperwork . I've got one other law firm I'm contacting for a third opinion on the matter. 

**edit**

Received a phone call from Moncure & Barnicle regarding my inquiry about sole custody. Another confirmation that there is no case for sole custody. They did state that if she gets back with her abusive boyfriend or something to that effect takes place in the future than I can file a motion of change of custody. I discussed Primary Residence and she confirmed that where I'm not currently paying child support it wouldn't have much effect for me with the exception that I could have the right to say I'm primary. It would give me the right to tax returns every year, but based on divorce decree we alternate claiming him. Her recommendation was to wait until he is twelve and and wait for a good time to work it into conversation to see if he verbalizes that he wants to live with me full time, if it's something he wants to do then fill out the paperwork to start the process. 

Full Custody pt. 2

So, I just got off the phone with Portland Legal regarding Obtaining full custody of my son. She stated that I don't have enough to obtain Sole Parental Custody. I do have a good shot at obtaining primary residence as my son spends a lot of his time here, certainly more time here over the course of a year. She also mentioned that I could also try to get allocated parental rights where I would have final say if My ex wife and I couldn't agree on a decision. She also confirmed that when Orion is 12 he can legally decide if he wants to live with me full time or not. I need to see what else Primary Residence details here in the state of Maine, or if there are any other "perks" so to speak. Lawyer confirmed that she also has ZERO say of who I have at my house unless it's some sort of abuse or drugs taking place. To be continued in part three!

insurance consultation tomorrow with a different lawyer to see if I can take these asshole to court for trying to get out of paying what they should on that flood damage.

Full custody

This morning I had to swing into a lawyers office in town to drop off paperwork for a insurance claim battle that I have been in the middle of. The lawyers office, ironically was across the street for the court house. I've been wanting to get a copy of  the restraining order my ex-wife placed against her new boyfriend at the time so that I could have for my records as my son lives with her half the time. that is something that she hid from me for a year. I didn't find out her boyfriend was abusive until she called me to find out if I could watch my son for the week as she just placed a PFA against her boyfriend. My son was living under the same roof  with an abusive alcoholic for a full year before she told me about it. This struck a nerve. There has also been talk in the past of me trying to obtain full custody of my son and it was something I just couldn't deal with at the time as far as bandwidth goes. while I was there I obtained a copy of the custody modification paperwork to review, and am going to consult with a lawyer about my concerns to see if I have the ability, or, have a shot at getting this accomplished. From what I have been reading online it seems like a tall order as she is not physically abusive, or doing drugs, she has a decent job and a place to live. 

However, this PFA will probably come in handy. she is manipulative,  he also spends a majority of his time at my house. we are split 50/50 on paper but he is here after school mon-wed.. I take care of a majority of his medical stuff, am there to help him with his homework five days a week. The list goes on. I need to create a list and then consult with the lawyer to see what happens from there. I may have to wait until Orion is able to legally express who he wants to live with and then get a modification at that point as well. I'm not sure how this goes. This is uncharted waters for me. 

List:

Time: I have my son full time Thursday- Sunday night + Monday-Wednesday 2-2.5hrs after school + vacations (fall/spring/summer) during the week

Homework support 5 days a week

I handle a majority of his doctor appointments and usually pay for them + health insurance

I get his sports schedules organized and most of his other life experiences such as sporting events, concerts, hiking etc. 

she's manipulative / narcissist

I believe she weaponizes my son against me and partners as he's been caught standing in corners listening to conversations

Had my son living with an abusive alcoholic for at least a year and didn't tell me until she filed a PFA against him. 

has burned bridges with most of her friends and her family 

**Update**

phone consultation tomorrow. Let's see what they say.

Accomplishments.

    What a difference a few months can make in the course of life. Just as my life was turned upside down over night, I have come full circle over night. Around the Christmas holiday I had all but given up on finding a home for my son and I in the area. Lack of inventory and an influx  of out-of-staters (pukes) flocking to the state of Maine with expendable cash had made the house journey seem unattainable. However, I had put one final offer in on a house that had come up on the market in the small village of South Thomaston. To my surprise the owner accepted my offer and I found myself in a whirlwind of realtors, home inspections, bank appraisals, and mountains of paperwork. All during a pandemic no less. I am now the owner of a four bedroom ranch with an attached garage, workshop and a large deck nestled on an acre of land in between two farms. It was a three year journey, but I have finally accomplished what I set out to post divorce. I now have a stable home for my son & I. 

To stare out into the horse field in the morning while drinking my cup of coffee is a welcome relief. The home closing was a busy time between packing, and working. However, no sooner did I close on the home I had felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. The worry of not finding a place and soon to be priced out of the area with rent prices was now behind me. Most importantly I now have a place where my son and I can make memories that we will cherish going forward. Positive memories. 

Among other things, I feel that Esther and I have never been closer. The hiccup that we had this past December shows me that both her and I have what it takes to make the relationship work. That we are able to talk things out and work on it. That for me is a wonderful thing, I cherish her and her two boys. We are working on transitioning them here full time. It's nice to feel complete again, and to wake up and face life with the person that has been there for me the last few years, a person that knows my heart and has seen me at my worst, and at my best. Overall I feel like everything is going well with the transition. Blending five personalities is no easy task, but things are on a positive path and we are marching forward together as a cohesive unit. 

The weather is starting to turn. The trees are budding, blotches of color are returning to the coast. Patches of yellow, purples, blues and white are appearing in the fields and along the craggy ledges of rock in peoples yards. This is a time of year that I look forward to. Feeling the warmth of the sun on my body is an experience coming out of a long cold and windy winter. It warms the soul and pushes away the blues for a few short months. I see this summer being a continuation of the last few months as far as house projects go. Lots of yard work, clearing, burning, reshaping and carving the property into something that is ours. Colors, warmth, and filling the audible spectrum with the sounds of wildlife, birds, horses the geese that live behind and around the property. I see the lilies in the yard that are blooming and coming to life as a metaphor for my life at the moment. A new life blooming, I finally have a fresh start in a place that is mine, and a family to share it with. 

Being Erased

 The wounds are starting to heal today, although they remain tender. The band aid that was placed over the wound was ripped off yesterday in an ugly release that had been building up for a while. It was exhausting. The feeling of rejection and being erased was more than I could bare, but something that I needed to see, and feel for the point to be made and really driven home. It hurt, and It was exhausting.  You got to see a side of me last night that very few people in my life have seen. Even though both of us are hurting right now, and even though I felt like I was breaking, and being torn in half in an emotional agony you stayed by my side to help me work through it, you stayed tender & showed me comfort that no other partner has shown me. You never cease to amaze me the ability for you to show love and empathy for those that you truly care about. You have a wonderful soul, and I'm blessed to have you ,at the very least, for now,  a friend in my life. 

Personal goals for 2021

Hitting the reset button the last few weeks has been nice to say the least. the feeling of exhaustion has dissipated. I have had a chance to have some real quality one on one time with my son, and I have made it a point to get outside and go for long walks around town at night. Just me, my headphones, and the cold, dark, crisp winter nights that come with living in Maine. It's been refreshing, and has given me a chance to get some perspective on where I am headed on my soul journey. It's given me a chance to dissect and reflect on the relationships with people whom I love, and lastly it's given me the reset I need to feel a bit more vibrant than I am usually during this time of year. The SAD light coupled with the extra vitamin D that I have been taking may also be aiding in that struggle as well. 

The reflection on myself has been an interesting one thus far. To look back on the last three years and realize how much of an utter train wreck that I was is rather scary to think about. I'd like to think of the progress that I have made instead. The miles that I have traveled to accomplish this was no small feat, and the tears were plenty. The important thing is that I no longer feel black on the inside (yes, I do realize I am not going through a low as I write this, but nor am I manic high.)  The light is getting brighter, and instead of a constant destructive emotional storm, the landscape is starting to become serene. Partly cloudy skies, sunbeams kissing the landscape with a gentle warm breeze rolling across the harbor, with the sounds of laughter from the little eyes that are happy to have his Daddy back.  Of course, there are always things that need to be worked on. Like an old farm house that always has something needing to be done. Maintenance will continue.

Communication is one of those Items that I have struggled with all my life. Music was my escape as a kid. Always donning headphones so I wouldn't have to communicate with classmates that I loathed. Unfortunately, I feel as though because of that escape, coupled with wanting to withdraw due to depression, I stifled my learning of the ability to communicate effectively.  The Ironic part being that I am a communications major who facilitates corporate training classes who has a hard time communicating in my personal life. The thing that really bothers me about it, is that my inability to communicate effectively has hurt people that I love. This in turn hurts others as well as myself. This is something that I am going to have to continue to work on. It will be hard for me, but it needs to be done. The funny thing is since I have really been thinking about that and letting it sink in I have had a few scenarios where I needed to have discussions with family. These conversations where not easy, but they were accomplished. So this CAN be done.  

In other news I need to better regulate my depression & anxiety better. I have been on my current medication long enough where I now have a much better understanding on how it actually effects me. I have contacted my doctor to try to alter the medications that I am on. I find that they work most of the time, however, I find they tend to make me a bit agitated, because of this I find that I can become snappy, or I am more apt to just reprimand, versus reprimand and then educate my son when he does something wrong. This is not fair to him. I know this doesn't help my relationship with him, especially where he is wired to have big feelings. I want to be a father, not a dad. This is not to say that we have a bad relationship, we have an excellent relationship, I just want to become a better leader and mentor for him. 

I have (as well as others close to me) have noticed that behavioral issues have started to emerge with with my little eyes. Nothing major, but issues with not being kind, being sneaky, and lack of respect towards certain people. He has also verbalized that he is having a hard time with the divorce. Because of this, his mom and I have decided it would be a good idea to get him into counseling  to help sort out feelings, and has someone else to talk to besides me and his mom. Better to curb that behavior now than have it continue and explode into something uncontrollable when he is a teenager. I'm hoping for the best. I never went through the situation that he is in, so I can only imagine how confusing it can be. 

My Goals for 2021:

Communication

Managing my depression / anxiety better

Being more patient with my son

Help my son deal with the emotional aftermath of the divorce

Be more active

Sleeping in

I think I can speak to the vast majority of people out there when I say that the 2020 year has been extremely difficult on many fronts this year.  I hear talk from close friends that family life has been stressed, relationships have been stressed, some are out of work, many are tired of the confines of apartment life, and negativity is every direction that you turn, especially politically. I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't had my fair share of trials this year as well.  I will certainly be glad when 2020 comes to and end, and we can welcome a new year. 

I know that things will continue to remain tough for the first few months, but at least there is a light at the end of the tunnel for the turmoil that we have seen. The last few years have been a tough ride, moving back home, divorce, drab little bachelor pads, stressed out about living situations and making things work in the area I moved back to, the feeling like I don't belong in my own space, worrying about rejection, declining health of close family members. however, I am happy to report that after a tough few years that it appears I will be purchasing my own home for my son and I. This has been a goal since moving back to Maine in 2017. I am happy about it, and it will be a good place for my son to balance out and for me to plant my roots to be able to provide for him. Finally, I will have the space to be able to breathe and create again.  I feel a little bit lighter this week knowing that this is now a reality and not a pipedream I'm chasing. At some point I would love nothing more than to fill this home with the laughter and warmth of not only my son and I, but a few others as well. There may be no rebounding from this. 

Relationships are funny. It's one of those life things that you should have had classes on when you are a kid. However, we all know the school systems doesn't want to teach us anything that is actually useful in life. I try to nurture that wonderfully beautiful connection,  put forth effort, try to provide warmth, love , support and worry about not screwing up another relationship, just to watch it unfold. The irony of a relationship being on life support during the year of Covid  is not lost on me. My heart is heavy because of it. I'm tired of my heart being heavy. I'm tired of messing things up, I'm tired of failing, I'm tired of letting people down,  I'm just.......tired.  Maybe I just need to sleep in. 

 

I don't know what to expect for the coming year. I wasn't at all expecting the current year to play out and end as it has. I have experienced panic, sorrow, joy, heartache, and happiness this year. However, I have had the opportunity to wake up  every day, I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, a wonderful son, a wonderful family. I need to accept that what will be, will be. I may not like the outcome, and those are lessons that I have earned.  

Cultural Taboos about suicide and depression.

This ties into my last post. It's a really powerful story. The Stigma needs to change in order to have the discussion. Enjoy.

I'm Good.

Living with depression is something that I have grown accustom to. I have dealt with it on and off through out the course of my life. It was something I was always aware of growing up. I saw my mother deal with it while I was entering my teenage years. My maternal grandfather has anxiety issues, and my paternal grandfather was a manic depressive. I almost missed one of my good friends weddings when I was in my early twenties because of it.  It manifests itself in different forms, sometimes Anxiety, sometimes a dark hole consumes me and I struggle to climb my way back out. It's always the same pattern. Climb out of my hole and ascend to a manic high, then crash within a day or two and enter a world of shadows and cold even though the sun is shinning, this might last a day or a few weeks.
       Most of the time I am able to mask or hide from most of the world what is going on, I can get by with a simple one liner..."I'm good or I'm fine." My girlfriend seems to always know when I am not feeling well. There have also been times when my son has asked me if was okay. He's seven, but he's not stupid. He knows when I am not feeling well. The worst feeling in the world is knowing you are not okay, and having to answer that question that you are fine to your son. He knows I'm sad, but it's not a world that he needs to know anything about right now. I'm afraid it will be a part of his life.

The worst part about it are the games that it plays with your head. It's something that I struggle with. Even on medication  The ways depression effects me.

• Tells me I'm a bad Father
• Tells me I'm a bad partner
• Tells me I'm horrible at my job
• Tells me I'll never be able to afford a life
• Mental pain
• Physical pain
• Feelings of emptiness or despair
• Disconnected (thousand yard stare)
• Intrusive images
• Agitation
• Lower sex drive
• Guilt about my son having to bounce between two houses
• Crying at random
• Isolation / Withdrawing 
• Hard time concentrating

But I trudge through it day by day. Some days are better than others. I mention these things because it's a way for me to process and finally put out into the open and visualize how this effects me. Maybe someone else will see this and realize they are not alone. There is a big stigma with mental health in our country, especially with the male population. We shouldn't be embarrassed, we shouldn't  feel like we need to default to "I'm fine." We should hold each other accountable and have that discussion, as hard as it may be. Those discussions can make a difference, especially when you have little ones watching you.

The bringer of gifts

When going through a divorce, and post divorce I find myself dealing with the aggravating experience of people building relationships with my son. Watching this as an outsider is a rather frustrating experience. I hear talk of them, he shows up to the house with things that this other person has bought for him. I try to be open minded, and I try to make the argument in my head that the more people that support this kid the better, right?  This has been a constant throughout. This is rooted with the person that the ex cheated on me with (if not physically, then certainly emotionally) and has since moved in with. I've mentioned before in different posts that I keep my ears open as this person doesn't have a good reputation around this area. Although I have not heard anything I still keep my ears open. My son refers to him as his friend, and it's like nails on a chalkboard. In my head I'm telling him that he isn't his friend. I feel as though items are being purchased as a way to get into my sons good graces. Is it a jealousy thing, that this person gets to spend time with my son when I don't? I find myself worrying that over time I will be slowly replaced. I find myself worrying about manipulation taking place as other members of his family have been pushed out of his life in the name of  "self healing  and over coming trauma." Am I going to be pushed away or isolated?

It's not that I am proactively thinking about this type of stuff, hell, it's not like I proactively even think about them or that situation. However, when your son is mentioning things like this it's hard to avoid. I try to shrug it off when he is around and show interest. However, it's extremely hard. I'd like to think that it makes me a better person to take the high ground.  I am also aware that it makes me a hypocrite to talk about this as my girlfriend loves my son, and does the same types of things for him. I'm sure it drives his mom nuts, or then again, maybe not. After all, she is the one who decided to break the whole thing off. Does it also makes me a hypocrite because I do the same things for my girlfriends kids? Does their dad think or feel the same way about me? It's interesting waters to navigate, and even though it's been over two years since we have separated it doesn't seem to get any easier in certain aspects, this being one of them.

I try to get my thoughts into check. I find that I tell myself to control the controllables. This is something that I cannot control, so there is not point in wasting energy on dwelling over this. Easier said than done. As my son gets older I hope he is smart enough to see through the bullshit. However, there is that chance that he doesn't see it for what it is. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

How does divorce effect children

Another great TEDtalk that has been put up on youtube. I have spent a good amount of time over the last few months talking about how the Divorce has effected me. I have talked a little about how it may or may not effect my child. This is just as an important piece of the puzzle to me as everything else. There are some really good points that are made in this video, and something that hits home for myself.   

Something that is often floating through my head is about how my son will ultimately handle the divorce. I find myself thinking about it fairly often, I find myself watching him and taking note of his behavior, and or times of him being quiet. A common question that is in our household is "How is your heart?" Knowing that he may have a hard time expressing how he is feeling, or he may not know the words to explain how he is feeling makes it easier for him to do so. I struggle with dad guilt because he didn't ask to be put in this situation, yet has to deal with it. 

Trying to curb the negative impacts that can arise from the situation is something that I work hard to accomplish. Typically children of divorce have a higher rate of Anxiety, Self esteem issues, depression, as well as higher rates of divorce themselves as adults and even stressed relationships with their parents later in life than children whos parents did not get divorced (in most cases.) That's not to say that children whos parents who chronically fight and remain together won't have their own set of issues, because they can. The below video is around 20 minutes, but brings some good points to light. 

Living with a person who has Narcissistic traits

Over the last two years I have been trying to not only figure myself out, but also learn from the past. What can I take away from divorce and my situation to learn from as I rise from the ashes. Sure, I'm not perfect, I realize that. There are things that I could have done differently, as to if it would have made a difference, who knows. I have been, however, dissecting the many facets of who I was married to as a person. trying to peel the layers back, and look deeper into that person based on red flags, and research that I have been doing. I have been wrestling with the fact that the person that I was married to indeed is a Narcissist, not a full blown Narcissist, but certainly hitting multiple points. It's an interesting situation because the image that is painted or portrayed is of someone who is empathetic, and, as of now, immersed in the world of  self healing and helping others. At first glance one would think that narcissism is not the case, which is why I have been wrestling with this revelation, and the irony of the situation at hand.

If one does research on the internet you will be quick to find that there are a handful of reasons why one can be narcissistic. Now, everyone has narcissistic tendencies, however there are a handful of reasons that the person I was married to seems to hit.  The constant manipulation and twisting of conversations to her favor, after what I feel was me being gas lighted for the last few years of our marriage. The fact that she was never wrong, ever, and to this day still is not wrong if there is a disagreement. How about the fact that my anxiety is half of what it used to be when I was around her, most of her old long term friends have cut her off, as well as her burning bridges with most of her family for some wrong doing of theirs, never hers (Part of me wonders if her new boo is working the isolation angle as most of her relationships that have been burned or strained have been since he has come into the picture. ) over the years has been and continues to be  judgmental of other people to the point of ruining past friendships. She would get upset if I chose to not respond to her when I knew she was trying to bait me in an argument. That used to drive her nuts, and it still does to this day.  The list goes on, again not all points are hit, but there are plenty that she does hit. 

The weird thing is that all of this stuff never really hit me while I was in the marriage, I just knew something was wrong. It wasn't until we split, that I started paying attention to the other relationships that she was involved in and they were starting to fall apart. I began connecting what other people were saying to my own experiences. I have my own suspicions that she was cheating on me when we moved back to Maine, if not physically then certainly emotionally as she was very quick to move her interest into the house after I moved out. Yet another common trait found among people with narcissistic tendencies.  I have also heard they met at my current place of employment, and then both quit together to ultimately work for another employer together.  I'll never truly know. 
               
What I do find interesting is that through out the years a common conversation was about how her mother was very much the same way, and that she wanted to become nothing like her mother. This seemed to be a reoccurring conversation over the almost 15 years that we were together. It wasn't an every day conversation, but something that came up a few times a year. To hear members of the family mention in the past that she is headed in that direction makes me feel sad for her. So much time and effort over the years talking about what she didn't want to be, and she is headed down that same path. I find that to certainly be about as ironic as ironic gets. It's been interesting having these revelations, and it was certainly painful living in that situation during the last two years of my marriage. I knew that we were drifting apart, my anxiety was off the charts, she started spending more and more time involved with projects, or going to friends houses from morning until later in the evening while I was at home with our son. feeling like I had to walk on eggshells around her . It made it hard to exist. It certainly took a toll on my nerves and my mental health. To the point where it makes me hyper aware of things now and question the things that she does or her motive. on the Plus side, my anxiety is since under control, and the crashing waves of stress from the initial fall out of divorce has subsided. I'm starting to see things more clearly, and still getting used to my new routines, and new life that I have started forging for myself post divorce. I have a great support system. I wish I would have seen the signs, while I was in my marriage. I also failed to make the connection that the traits that haunted her from her mother may also lead into her behavior later down the road. 

if you find yourself living with a person who has Narcissistic tendencies or traits and are not sure where to look or what to do, I have provided a few links below. 

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder
How to deal with a Narcissist

Where is everyone?

The thing that I have learned is that divorce has many different branches to it. Sure there is the direct effect that it has on the two parties involved. It stems out and has direct effect on the families that were initially brought together with the marriage, and it has a huge impact, on the children (if any) that are a product of the marriage as well. A common trend that I have heard from multiple people through out the last two years is that children are resilient. Sure, they are resilient and we hope that the two adults involved directly in the divorce and aftermath are grown-up enough to keep the negativity to a minimum, and ultimately lessen the impact that the situation has on the child. I think that any decent parent would also hope that the circle of support for that child remains a constant from both separate camps as well. At the end of the day it is not the child's fault that the marriage didn't work out. Hell, the child had no say weather they were brought into the world to begin with. The least you can do is to support the child. 

Now, with that being said, I get that we live in a day and age where our society is always on the go. People cannot afford to live unless people are working 40+  hours a week. It's tough for a working family to succeed now a days, let alone a single parent. Time is precious, and things need to get done. People need to prioritize.  However, the things that need to get done also include supporting your developing child emotionally, and being there physically and mentally for them as well. This should always take top priority. 

  I'm starting to get far enough into fatherhood and post divorce now where I have started to notice small things. My son has started to notice small things as well and he is starting to make those connections. We were at his basketball game this past weekend. I of course was in the stands, as always. The holder of the water, the snacks, the jackets, the extra shoes, and of course the supporter, and the encourager (is that a word?)  This was another week of basketball where I was the only one of his family member there for him. He didn't say anything directly to me about no one else from the family being there, however he did mention that his friend had a lot of people there to see her play. which was true, historically she usually has many of her family members in the stands cheering for her.  I tried to spin it back around that I was there for him and that I was excited to root for him in the bleachers. Shortly after the game started and  I noticed that through out the game he was looking into the stands to see if anyone else had shown up, of course no one did. It broke my heart. Life happens, I get it, however there always seems to be  excuses.

Now, I know that it is my job to worry about what I am able to control. I do the best I can to make sure that my son feels like he is supported, whether I am not feeling well or if I have to cancel plans to make sure something happens. Not being there for my sons basketball game (as an example) is just not an option. This goes for anything that he does or wants to do. That might be music lessons, swim lessons etc. As parents we have a choice, we can choose to be in our children's lives, and if we make that choice it needs to be all or nothing.  It shouldn't matter if it puts you out of your comfort zone or encroaches on something else that you would rather be doing. Life stopped being about you when you made the decision to have children, let's start acting like it and show some support because one day it's going to be too late and they will know who was there for them and who was there for them when it was convenient.  As we progress through the rest of the basketball season, and other events this year I hope to see more participation on the part of other people, although I am not hopeful. 

The Chains

"I wear the chains I forged in life........"
-Jacob Marley

The last week has been spent putting things into perspectives. There has been a lot of emotional ups and downs. I continue to read the art of living, and have been watching certain TED talks in order to try to find some insight as to what chains have been holding me back with the divorce. This was all started by the conversations and events with Esther over the last week. I am coming up on the two year anniversary of leaving the house and moving into my own place. When I first moved into my own place, I was hit with the trauma of my life getting ripped away, instantly losing fifty percent of my time with my son, and trying to figure out how I am going to survive in an area that does not offer hope to a lot of people. Trying to cope with those three things was incredibly painful, proving to be the darkest time of my life. For me breaking ties with the ex was not nearly as painful. Looking back on it, and I've said it before, my marriage was dead before we moved back to Maine. I should have seen the red flags.  Safe to say that I am ninety percent over the divorce. They say time heals everything so, what has been holding me back? 

Since I have been in my own place, I have found it hard to accept the fact that I once had the American dream, the house, the eight foot privacy fence, the dogs, a 401k and was living a comfortable life. I am now not. I now have no place to call my own, sure I am renting. I accomplished my goal of obtaining a two bedroom apartment finally. It's not the same as home ownership. I am also now living paycheck to paycheck with a professional job like so many other people in the country. I have been getting caught up in the "I used to haves"and it's preventing me from moving forward one hundred percent. Couple that with a brain that is hardwired to worry, overthink everything, and bring me into a tailspin of swirling anxiety and depression. I cannot truly be happy or continue to move forward if I am caught up in the "I used to haves" because it is taking me out of enjoying the moment and continuing to push forward.

 It is also not fair to my partners in my current relationships because they want me walking beside them and not 20 feet behind them dragging this chain of "I used to have this, I used to have that." Can one really plan for the future with someone if you are dragging the chains of the past with you? No, you can't. I see the pain and discourse that It has brought, and it is something that I need to just accept and move on. 

By doing this I will be able to focus my energy, on planning the next steps. Things happen in our life for a reason. As shitty of a situation the divorce was, this has, over the last two years give me a chance to really reflect who I am as a person, learn what my values really are and start fresh in an area, although tough to make a living, is an absolutely gorgeous breathtaking area. For the last six months I have been dragging the final chain with me, and it really wasn't until this week that I was able to piece everything together as to what that weight was. The ocean is one of my my favorite things in life, and has always been a place of refuge for me. A place of healing.. This is a rebirth, a seaside rebirth. 

The Art of Living

It's a shame when something amazing gets ruined. Especially when at your own hands. Hind sight is 20/20. She was right though. I let my insecurities from my previous marriage play a role in destroying us. We had a good thing, and I fucked it up. She was pretty, caring, had a fucking heart of gold. She would have done anything for me. She was so good with my son, and my son loves her to pieces. Her kids are great, I continue to be absolutely head over heels about them. She had the wildest eyes to stare into. Last night she came over with my things in a paper bag. I let them sit on the counter for a few minutes, and to tell you the truth I didn't want to open the bag. I wanted to ignore it. But I couldn't. I had a fear that everything that I gave her, or wrote her was going to be in there. Could I handle the rejection for a second time? 

There was a few items that were in there. My sons flannel shirt, socks, my sweatshirt - which still smelled like her. I couldn't help but smell that item of clothing. The smell of her and her house, and sage, brought back a flood of memories, and I broke down. I bawled like a baby for about 10 minutes in the living room. All of those memories, time at the beach, car rides, making love, great conversations, holidays, camping. It was a lot to handle. To be honest it hit me harder than getting divorced. The thing about divorce is that I was distraught about getting kicked out, and losing time with my son. knowing that my time with my son was cut in half, and coming home to an empty house on the nights were killer. Silence was deafening. With Esther it was different. We had a real connection. There was substance. The last few months I found myself creeping back into my own head which made it hard to express things  (If I love someone, how why do I have a hard time verbalizing  it?) My head is my worst enemy. She asked for help and I panicked. I didn't know what I could do.... I never asked her what I could do. If only I would have asked her what I can do to help her. How could I be so blinded in my own head and stupid. 

I went back to that paper bag and found a book that was tucked neatly at the bottom of the bag. The Art of Living- the classical manual on virtue, Happiness, and Effectiveness. She hit the damned nail on the head with that one. As much as it hurt to read those words, I knew that it was coming from a good place from her. She wants me to be happy, control what I can control, and to not worry about the rest. The book is based on Epictetus's writings. He was a philosopher who was born a slave. Once he was free (and eventually exiled) he devoted much of his life to  studying what makes a person happy and gives them a meaningful life. She had apparently already read the book as there were notes scrawled on the pages and passages underlined. The Ironic thing to this arriving in that paper bag is that last week I was thinking about ordering some sort of self help books. Ahead of the curve, She is continuing to help, even though she has departed. That speaks to her compassionate nature. Under that shell is a kind, loving person.  I get why she did. She needs to be stable, not only for her, but for her boys. 

I need to be strong. I needed to be strong for her. Now I see her walking the opposite direction instead of us walking together. I started reading that book last night. As much heart ache that I have, I look at this as my time to rise. Become a stronger person, or at least get back to where I was. I feel like I used to be a strong person, but was just kicked and beaten down emotionally over the last five years. I want to be a strong person again, for me, for Orion, for my family........ you fight for the things you love, and this is something I need to fight for. 

New place, more of the same

I finally made it in. Mostly set up and in a place where my son has his own space now. it's nice to be able to put him to bed in his own room now, it's nice knowing that he has a place to go to, to call his own. The over all area, I feel is better. the yard is much bigger, there is a playground next door for him to go to, the street is quiet yet we are right in the middle of town. He has the space to have his friends over if he chooses. Even though he misses the other apartment, he'll come to appreciate this place. It was a long weekend, and the last few days have been long between work, meeting with folks for utilities, parent teacher conferences, and trying to unpack and get his space situated and set up. I am however making progress.

I am now almost thirty days into my first round of prescription for depression. I'm not really sure how I feel, there still seems to be days that are okay, and days that are not so good. I don't know if it's because of the stress of the moving situation or what. I guess more time will tell. so far, no major adverse effects. The time change has been messing with me this week, and it's rather depressing to get out of work and have it be dark. This is only the beginning, at this rate it is going to be a long winter. Better brace yourself, because it's coming like a freight train off it's tracks and when it hits it's not going to be pretty.

 I'm tired of feeling this way. I can't shake the horrible feeling of not having a support system up in the immediate area. the feeling of being alone is overwhelming at times. knowing that my house can be so full of joy with Orion here, and then a few minutes later it's completely quiet and empty when he goes back with his mother. It's a pain my heart will never quite get over.

Drown

Get pulled under,

Choke and scream.

Blinded by what used to be.

My salvation is a dream,

Something that will never be.

Further slipping down below.

There is no light, 

Where darkness grows.

Inhale deep,

Don't hold your breath.

Feel the water fill your chest

A cold water eulogy,

an epitaph serene.

Now you will

Cease to be

Drown.

Night time drive

Day three on medication. Had an amazing night at my house last night with my girlfriend. It was  a rare occasion that she is able to make it over to my place. we went for a drive to look at the moon , proceeded to come back to my place and had some tea. Lit candles and just enjoyed the quiet together. I enjoy our quiet time together, as rare as it is. It provides a sense of calm that otherwise is hard to come by in our hectic lives.

I stepped out the door today to grey skies and cold air blowing from the harbor. Typical fall day in Maine coming out of a gorgeous Sunday. I don't know if it was the weather but, the later part of the day I found myself struggling a bit. I made it through work, and it was actually a pretty productive afternoon. My girl friend wanted me to ride with her to go pick up her boys from their dads house. was a bit of a drive out there and figured that it would be nice to see all the bright orange, yellows and reds of the changing fall leaves. I found myself on the verge of a panic attack for most of the way out which put a damper on the ride itself.

I've been struggling since, well, since the divorce that I no longer have the piece of the American dream that I once had. House, dog etc. I have no place to call my own, and knowing that my family isn't around makes it even harder being reminded of this on a daily basis. Seeing how it is to make a living around here coupled with the housing market really makes me wonder if I'll ever get to that point again. It makes me sad. Sure sad for me, but also sad for my son as . He never asked for this, and yet he is a bystanders of the outcome. Kids are resilient, I get that, but I see him being in limbo between two temporary living situations. driving around and seeing the nice homes nestled in the woods of Camden hills and Lincolnville, smelling the woodstoves; it all made me miss what once was. The castle I had to call my own.

I was rather quiet on the way home. I guess I needed to just allow myself to feel it and work through it. I now sit, eating Chinese food fixated on shitty situation that I find myself in, I miss my son, and I miss my family. It's going to be a long holiday season for me.  What the fuck is wrong with you dude. ugh.

The hair of the dog the bites you

It's funny how events in life can reunite people, bring them back together, people on separate paths in life coming back intertwined for a common event or common purpose. When I started going through my divorce, I thought life was at it's end. I was plummeting towards the pits of hell. it was hard to get out of bed everyday, I would hold it together enough to make it through work, and coming home at night a losing my mind. I'm living in an area that, on the outside, is aesthetically pleasing. Right on the coast, typical quaint little fishing community. This in turn brings a flock of tourists every summer eager to fill their Instagram feed with pictures of overpriced lobster rolls, quaint weathered cottages, weathered lighthouses, and of course the breakwater.

This influx of tourism, although good for a select few people in this area, aids in the downfall and demise of the common folk in this town. This area doesn't have a lot of opportunity in this town to begin with. We are a good hour off the Highway. The biggest employers in the area is the company I work for SS&C, the Maine state prison ( where I used to be a correctional officer), Dupont, and Fischer Engineering. Aside from that it's all mom and pop shops, heating technicians, and the handy man type. You know the kind, the jack of all trades - master of non type of guys. The winters are hard, the poverty level is through the roof, and we are in the heart of Maine's Opiate crisis.

Once you lived here long enough you start to peel back the layers to really see the kind of cesspool that Rockland Maine actually is. Maine is in the middle of a housing crisis, the beginnings of an elder boom, young folks leaving the state,  and because we are in a high tourist area, housing here is almost unaffordable. Even if you have a professional Job and work forty plus hours a week. It's easy to see why people get into things that they do around here. You see it everywhere. the grocery store, downtown, at work. That look of bitterness, loss of hope, the struggle of how am I going to make it from one paycheck to another. Not a lot of prosperity for the middle and lower class workers. People having to cohabitate because no one can afford to live on their own, and every single person seems to be on state assistance. It's a love hate relationship with the tourists because they bring money into the town, but because of them the locals have a hard time. Especially seeing the tourists come in and throw their money around, treating the locals like shit while they suck up resources and then leave.  It's haunting at times, and because of how my time is arranged with my divorce between me and the ex I'm landlocked in this area, at least for now. It's a hard realization of where I am.

Today, I had news of an old high school friend who had passed. Not much younger than myself.  He had been caught in the middle of the battle of addiction. Of course this prompted the circle of friends that we had years ago to come together to start chatting about what had happened. Although it was sad that he lost his battle with addiction, it was a catalyst for positive conversation about the rampant addiction that was running through my town when I was in high school. Through conversation I found out that where one mans overdose took a life, another mans struggle turned into survival and ultimately a positive story of recovery and progressing with his life. This man was like a kid brother to me growing up, and issues with his Scoliosis, degenerative discs, and ultimately a bad car accident started his road down the path of addiction. A long 10 years for him, but he was able to pull himself out of where he was. He is now married, living down in south Carolina, and has a wonderful little girl.

We all wonder where it all went wrong. What started out as a group of us hanging out at the town park for a number of years; almost over night, turned into a nightmare for a lot of people. Seclusion, people nodding off if they actually came out of the house, dirty needles laying in the parking lot. Yet, the parents would deny that there was a drug problem. My own parents in fact didn't believe that there was a drug problem in our town.  Over the last decade I have seen multiple old friends in that circle pass due to not being able to overcome  their demons that were looking at them. What went wrong? How did this all happen. Seeing this time again with friends, and my teenage idols (Layne Staley, Kurt Cobain, Pete Steele) really hits home. How did this all happen. How did we go from a bunch of kids in the park smoking a joint in the sun to a handful sticking spikes in their arms.

How did over 8% of 18-24 year old's in the Midcoast area end up on the same path as kids I grew up with in southern Maine? Are these behaviors learned from their parents, is it living in poverty? How many times do I have to take my kid with me grocery shopping and see people nodding off in the store, or passed out in bathrooms. A hard thing for me to have gone through last summer was seeing my landlords son get dropped off by a car full of his friends. They dumped him on the porch, his lips were blue, he was foaming at the mouth, his eyes were pinned and glazed over and bloodshot. They were going to leave this kid there, on the porch, while he was dying. My son was across the street playing with his friends and watching his dad have to repeatedly slap a 16 year old kid in the face while calling his name to wake him up. We ended up having to call rescue, and were able to get info from the kids before they took off that he had ingested a handful of pills and washed it down with a lot of alcohol.  We found out later we saved his life.

I think as I get older, I think about these things more. I seem to think about my mortality more. Having a son has put a lot of things in perspective for me, seeing friends pass always puts things into perspective for me. We are not going to be here forever, and where at one time I may have thought I was invincible, I realize we are but fragile creatures. I will always remember the times that we spent together, and it is a shame that his demons were never conquered. It was, however, a positive thing that it opened up dialogue between old friends, and hearing some of those survival stories. My heart goes out to the people that are struggling with addiction, and I believe we, as a society need to get over the stigma that is attached to it. Do people make bad choices, yes, but those bad choice may be a result of underlying issues even before that choice was made.  Rest in peace old friend.

The world came crashing down

What can I really say? I'm 37 years old. I have boxes of old paper journals. however to make this easier between working full time and parenting I wanted to try blogspot as a form of release and healing through writing.  I had the making of a promising future. I was working at a decent job, I was married, I had the house and the dog, with the 8ft privacy fence and I have a beautiful 7yr old baby boy. Long story short we decided that because we missed home and our son getting ready to head to school that we would sell the house and head back home.

Now lets fast forward a few months. The house sells, and we move back up the east coast, to lovely, wonderful coastal Maine. You know, the shit you see on postcards. Old weathered Cape Cods, bright colored buoys hanging in the yard, granite rock beaches, light houses, blah blah blah.  We make it home, and are staying at my in-laws house. now this is coastal Maine, we're are not talking about the epitome of prosperous living and opportunity unless you sold your house in upstate New York and decided to retire in Maine. We have a soon to be elder boom, lack of work, and a over inflated cost of living thanks in part to greedy landlords, supply and demand, and a influx of Air BnB ruining the housing market. Oh, did I mention we are in the literal middle of the Heroin epidemic in the state?

So, we set up shop. I landed myself a job at a warehouse packing protein powder, and she landed a job working at a financial company, and then the local cellphone stand in town. nothing glamourous but its a paycheck, and a paycheck is better than no paycheck. life continues on for a few months until she decides that she wants a divorce. we took a drive, talked about it, talked about getting couples help which she said she would think about. ultimately nothing materialized. she said money was a problem and needed me to pick up the reigns financially. So, I did what anyone else would do and applied to work at the Maine State Prison as a correctional officer. The summer continues, while I am going through the hiring process at the state. taking physical tests, taking entrance exams at the criminal justice academy, taking my oral boards at the prison.  I make it through, I just need to wait until the class starts. so I continue to my work at the warehouse.

mean while the tension in the house is crazy. she's spending time with her coworker, and giving him rides too and from work. spending time on road trips, just ultimately being checked out and not really wanting to put any apparent effort into the marriage.  So, on one of her road trips to visit a mutual friend she ends up getting into a car accident. she calls, car is totaled. I ask her if she is okay, she says yes. I tell her I'm coming down, and she refuses and is adamant I don't come down. huh, seems like quite the red flag. She ends up coming home a few days later. Clears her 401k out to get a car. This should be red flag #2.  Now I should probably mention that we were also looking for a house at the same time. we had seen a couple of  different places, and I applied for loans. we were told that we needed to pay some bills off. So, we decided that we would pay off a substantial amount of debt, namely her debt. Red Flag #3!

Meanwhile classes at the criminal justice academy have started. think of it as like bootcamp lite, classes, line up, lots of PT, working in the pods, getting maced both in the face and respritory. it was an awful couple of months. I deal with this all day, and then have to come home to a house that is shared by herself, and 3 other people. Tension so thick in the house you could cut it with a knife. I was going to bed at like 8:30 at night at this point partly because I was exhausted from getting the shit kicked out of me at work, and partially because I couldn't deal with the tension. Anxiety was high. So this is right about the time that I find out she decides that the marriage is done, she conveniently decides that it is not worth it, she's not into it, it's my fault for lack of communication, etc.  It was also around this time that there was some mental illness issues going on in the house, which I am not going to get into details as its not fair to her. Her personal business is none of yours. Although it should be mentioned for point of this story that I ended up writing down stuff in my journal, my promises to her, and also compiling a shitload of cards from her friends and family as to why she is important.

 Sometime in the near future I decided to go to the lake, rainy day, grab coffee and just pour my heart out into letter that I penned to someone in college. Now, I will not deny the fact that I in college had a crush on this person, while I was dating my then future wife, however everything was squashed and I never cheated. However, I decided to pen a open letter and because I had to vent. I poured everything from the last 10 years of my life into that letter. I must have been gone for around 3 hours writing.

Looking back on it she must have found it fishy that I was out writing for that long, because I remember her calling asking where I was, and I told her that I was writing.  Now keep in mind that she decided our marriage was done at this point. So, I get home and tuck everything into my backpack and move on with the rest of the week. At some point, she had gone through my stuff and found my letter that I wrote and wasn't too happy about it. soon after I was kicked out of the house and into my current apartment that I am in.  I was in the new apartment 2 weeks before Christmas, and her new boy friend was moved into where she was living 45 days after I was out of the house. I struggled horribly with how that looked to my son, dad leaving the house and a new guy moving in without him even comprehending fully what had happened. What actually happened, or how new boyfriend moving into the house happened is all he said she said, which I am not going to get into. however, in the best interest of the kid, she could have said no.

Fast forward to today, and I am in my apartment, divorce is over. I find myself lucky to have 50/50 split with my son. He is my light in life, and my passion to succeed.  My son has transitioned well thus far. Doing well in school, and I am coming to grips with the fact that I am broken person, and have some issues that need to be worked through, although not perfect I feel like I put effort into my marriage up until it started to turn, which if I have to guestimate was about two years before we moved back. that's when I noticed a solid shift in the marriage, no intimacy, not wanting to hang out as a family unit. sudden projects that were taking up all the free time. I assumed this was stressful work. I have accepted some responsibility for this, and no one is perfect. I have days where I am okay with the fact that two adults changed as people and started to drift away. I have days where I feel like everything transitioned to easily into her favor, and feel like this was planned well before we moved back home. it's a moot point at this time. I no longer want to be angry about it, and I strive to take the high road and not bad mouth or talk trash  because little eyes are watching.  I have caught wind that she is writing a blog as well, I haven't looked at it, but apparently she has posted said letter on there, I'm sure dissected it and has her army of internet friends  going "ohhh-ahhhhhh." whatever she needs to do to heal.

I guess the moral to the story here is that at 37 years old I never really thought that I would be in the spot that I am currently. Living and working in Rockland, Maine. with no family around,  in that spot where I cannot afford to live, but I'm too poor for anyone to give a shit. Yet trying to convey to my son that everything is okay, and that I'm not in constant state of worrying about how things will be taken care of, or how I am going to survive, while she is nice and cozy in her apartment with boyfriend. I guess here is to moving forward, and trying to figure out how to make a quality life happen for my son, and restarting, rebuilding and striving to correct issues with healing from divorce, depression and anxiety.