Night time drive

Day three on medication. Had an amazing night at my house last night with my girlfriend. It was  a rare occasion that she is able to make it over to my place. we went for a drive to look at the moon , proceeded to come back to my place and had some tea. Lit candles and just enjoyed the quiet together. I enjoy our quiet time together, as rare as it is. It provides a sense of calm that otherwise is hard to come by in our hectic lives.

I stepped out the door today to grey skies and cold air blowing from the harbor. Typical fall day in Maine coming out of a gorgeous Sunday. I don't know if it was the weather but, the later part of the day I found myself struggling a bit. I made it through work, and it was actually a pretty productive afternoon. My girl friend wanted me to ride with her to go pick up her boys from their dads house. was a bit of a drive out there and figured that it would be nice to see all the bright orange, yellows and reds of the changing fall leaves. I found myself on the verge of a panic attack for most of the way out which put a damper on the ride itself.

I've been struggling since, well, since the divorce that I no longer have the piece of the American dream that I once had. House, dog etc. I have no place to call my own, and knowing that my family isn't around makes it even harder being reminded of this on a daily basis. Seeing how it is to make a living around here coupled with the housing market really makes me wonder if I'll ever get to that point again. It makes me sad. Sure sad for me, but also sad for my son as . He never asked for this, and yet he is a bystanders of the outcome. Kids are resilient, I get that, but I see him being in limbo between two temporary living situations. driving around and seeing the nice homes nestled in the woods of Camden hills and Lincolnville, smelling the woodstoves; it all made me miss what once was. The castle I had to call my own.

I was rather quiet on the way home. I guess I needed to just allow myself to feel it and work through it. I now sit, eating Chinese food fixated on shitty situation that I find myself in, I miss my son, and I miss my family. It's going to be a long holiday season for me.  What the fuck is wrong with you dude. ugh.