June goals

Pushups- x 60

Bike (while in Atlanta) 30min

Run (when back at home) 3 days a week

Finish book

Finish modification paperwork

Positive affirmations

A letter to him

 I feel compelled to write this, because there are some things that I want to say, that, well, it would be crossing a boundary if I got ahold of you to tell you in person. So, I'll write a letter that you'll never see so at least I can get what I need to say off my chest and out in the open. If I don't say what I need to I'm going to hold on to it, and it's going to become bitterness. Better, not bitter.

To Him,

I've known you for six years now. You're someone that I look to for support, and someone that always supported me while at work. When I met you I was in seriously bad shape. Freshly kicked out of my house, starting a new job at the company and barely able to make it through the daily grind. Someone that I could laugh with, and joke with and gave me  just enough hope get to the next day. I didn't know it yet, but I was about to meet someone that was about to change my life. Someone that over the next 5 years I would come to love, and know on an extremely intimate level. Someone who quite literally may have saved my life on a few occasions. I didn't know it yet, but you guys had a history. Which ceased to be once I came around. 

She was struggling herself, single  mother with 2 toddlers, and she had her own traumas and wounds to tend to, and she opened her home to me so that I didn't have to be alone. A place to go to, quite literally stare at the wall for hours on end. Our relationship started to continue on, and I established a relationship with her boys, and an absolutely special bond with one of them, and a relationship with her family. she got to know my family as well (albeit it long distance for the most part.) We held hands and walked each other through the divorce process that each of us were going through and what started out as a relationship of support blossomed into love. We had our ups and downs and our share of struggles. some due to outside forces and some due to me being frozen in coping mode and really only being able to see through the tunnel. I know that I was far from a perfect boyfriend, but What I did and do continue to have is love for her and her two boys. Over those years they became my family, to the point where we all lived together. I was the boys dad, a damn good dad, and she is my person.

My family has been through a lot, and I know that some of that is most certainly on me. However, we have a life time of experiences that we achieved and have been through in that five year period. Yes there has been hurt. We could have handled things better in the moment. I could have done things differently, she could have done some things differently. Point is, both of us have a lot of baggage and this was our first time trying to blend a family together post divorce. We didn't really know what we were doing. It's a learn as you go, in this case, with some things, realizing what we should have done. Hindsight twenty-twenty.  

The biggest mistake of my life was letting them walk out of my house. Our relationship was on and off for the next year, well ,you obviously know the story. well.........., not fully. What you haven't learned yet is, is that we created a life, a life out of love. although not planned, she was carrying my child for a short amount of time, she was the size of a pea, and we lost her. She wanted to carry my babies. Even though I  was scared, I didn't panic. I told her we would figure it out, I went with her to her ultrasound, held her hand, I made sure that she wasn't alone. If that baby had come around, I would have been a wonderful father to her. This was hard for the both of us. The last few months her and I were still in contact but contact was limited because I knew she was upset about the situation at basketball. The look that she gave me was that I was to go to hell, and not contact them again. I shouldn't have listened,  I should have patched things up a few days after that instead of letting it drag out. I did A LOT of thinking and realized that I can't lose her and the boys. I was hoping to patch things up with her so that we could continue our relationship, and fix issues. We could have made this work especially after her and I have realized things that we could have done, that we didn't think about at the time. We no longer have that chance.

I missed the boys terribly and I finally reached out for a real conversation to see how they were doing. We had some really good conversations, her and I, solid heart talks. full of emotions and ugly crying . I thought we were making some progress. That's when I find out that you had come back out of the jungle like a lion licking his lips ready to pounce. I'm sure that you had been waiting five years to do that. What I have a hard time with is that you know our history's. You know we both rebuilt each other up from the ashes of divorce and tended to each others wounds, both of us had already lost family's and you came in when we were in a low and roped her in. I'm sure it didn't cross your mind as to what it would do to me to have my second family fall apart completely.....pretty slimy. Now I have to watch you take my family  away from me and of course I need to pretend it's okay every day when we work together. 

I know she is looking for some comfort right now. You are her feel good option for the moment, but you're not her soul mate. although you have a history, from how I see it, your history has been playing the part of the person she goes back to when she's in-between relationships. I get where she is coming from with that, cause I would love to have someone like that during these times too. However,  I heard all sorts of reasons why you weren't good for her and why she never really dated you to begin with. I did the right thing though, I was the bigger man and reached out to you to let you know that I adore her and she deserves to be happy and that there was no hard feelings. truth is, that is the  hardest thing that I have done in a while. That took a lot for me to do that, but it bothers me, clearly.

 I'm giving her the space that she needs and I'm working on myself at the moment, mental & physical training,  but, under this fire and determination that is raging in me right now I'm still hoping that she is enjoying herself, taking the time to decompress, doing some soul searching to realize that we really have something, we have way to many memories (both good and bad) and a special connection  that is not worth throwing away before all options are explored(at least I don't, maybe she sees it that way,) and that I am what the boys need in their life... I hope she realizes these things and comes back......

 I realize that you probably felt the same way when I started dating her. It must have been hard to have some new guy come in and date her, I can understand that. The difference between the situations is that you didn't know me then, we weren't friends at that point. But now that I think of it, were we ever really friends, or were you just being nice to me out of respect for her? Either way that was a knife in the back of someone that you, at the very least, had a extremely good working relationship with and say that you have the utmost respect for....

 You had your opportunities to win her over a few times before I came into the picture, why didn't you do it then? Why are you doing it now? why did you just wait in the shadows for five years? why am I in a position where I can't try to make my family whole again? You could turn those questions around on me, I realize that, however, I have been trying to do these things for the last five years. Everyone heals at their own pace from a traumatic event like divorce, let's toss in covid isolation, trying to merge 5 people  into a house for the first time, passing of many loved ones in my life, my house flooding, losing a child , and almost losing my brother in law last year...... and I was not awake. I am now, I hate that it's taken this for it to get rid of the remaining fog. That wasn't fair to her. But you know what? there's no timeline for that kind of trauma, and  I can't lose another family. I can't watch you come in a wisk them away. because of that I can't see the boys because it will tear me apart every time I go to pick them up & drop them off. They already have a undependable father, and now their dad can't see them..... I miss her and my boys terribly. They need to come home. This is their home. Congratulations, you now have the girl, the big promotion and from what you told me last year, are probably buying a house this year. checkmate, you win. Don't worry though, I'll smile and keep giving you that enthusiastic greeting when I see you at work.... Good talk.

Hard Conversations were had today

I had been thinking most of the night last night about the events that unfolded yesterday and the conversations that were had. I replayed sequence of you saying "I don't hate you, I hate what happened..." and then getting in the van and driving away in my head,  maybe a 100 times. I eventually fell asleep and woke up early. I was in the need of something uplifting, so, we got ready for church and ran into an old friend and had some good conversation before coming back home. 

Continuing with the uplifting theme, I purchased last minute tickets to the Elton John Tribute show "Yellow brick road" that was playing at the waldo theatre, and hit the road for the show. Killer show. Played pretty much every hit you would want to hear from Elton. On the way down, of course, my mind was wandering in and out of thoughts from yesterday again. I thought I was going to shake it once we got to the show.  However, the universe, or divine intervention, or SOMETHING, had a different idea of what was going to happen. The show started, and it was like the universe was sending messages to me. It seemed as if these Elton songs were talking directly to me, as if he wrote every single hit song about what was going on in my life at this exact moment. Telling me what I need to do, and it was very loud, and very clear. A few times during the show I felt myself tearing up. Quite the emotional experience. Over all the show was great, and Orion really seemed to enjoy it as well. 

When we got home, know that I was going to be dropping Orion off at his moms shortly, I messaged her and let her know that we needed to talk. I know that in order to move on processing certain traumas that I need to officially lay this old tired divorce to bed so shrouded the true intention of the conversation with this. She came out to talk when I pulled up. Now she is the type of person that needs to be stroked so I went into the conversation letting her know that I can accept the divorce and that I forgive her for the divorce, not really for her but so that I can move on. I let her know that the divorce was easy for her because she was from the area and has friends and the ability to be social and that she left me totally isolated. she tried to break into a sob story about how she doesn't have anyone and I told her that I don't feel bad, she made her bed, time to lay in it. 

I then went into that during my isolation A family had taken me in and that this family over the course of the last 5 years were now MY family. I told her that I had to watch my family drive away yesterday and that a major reason for them driving away was because of the massive wedge that she put in between me and the one that I love. I proceeded to tell her that I am no longer allowing her to scare or lure me into making irrational decisions by dangling time with my son in my face. That she ruined my family once and I am not going to let her ruin my family again, and I am done playing games. If that means that you want to end up in court then by all means I will meet you there. I am done and no longer scared of her. That I will do what I need to do to protect my family moving forward. This segued into letting her know that I will be having a conversation with her in the near future about new boundaries that will be laid down and a potential change in time with Orion, possibly one week on and one week off.

i'm so over her bullshit and effect that it has had. Fuck around and find out. 

Surprisingly, this conversation came to me very easily and with a calming effect for me instead of the usual anxiety ridden mess that my conversations with her tend to be. I got back in the car feeling really good that I was able to lay it down, and that she was crying on the way into the house. I think all this crying the last few weeks and watching you drive away has finally cleared the last of my hazy brain of mine. Everything seems clear. I'm looking forward to my next session with the therapist.

Mindset Reset

I have found myself listening to the Mel Robins podcast as of late. It's been around for a long time, but I'm just discovering it. I listened to a segment this morning about "Mindset Reset." There was a great line that I heard from a guest that was on this segment , "I notice I hold myself back a lot because of how I've been programmed." That resonated with me.  I find myself doing that, whether it be taking chances, playing with my kids , work  , and or exploring / expanding horizons in the bedroom. 

A lot of this is due to the inner voice in my head, fueled by anxiety, and child hood trauma. This is something that I have picked up before, but never really knew how to correct this mindset. One of those easier said than done things. I was able to decern that I need to make it a bit personal. Name this inner voice. Talk to it when you get those thoughts. Tell it to fuck off. I'll be naming mine Jeff. This was probably a subconscious decision stemming from my childhood and high school years, having to deal with the typical Yarmouth prick by the name of Jeff Gray on a daily basis. One of those kids that certainly could have a used a 40mph swing with a metal lunchbox upside the head. I guess I will finally get to tell him off whenever that voice creeps into my head.  

One thing that I learned is that  I can tell myself that I deserve to feel happy, and with any situation ask "does this make me happy?" If the answer is no, then stop. Being a people pleaser, I go out of my way to please everyone else for fear of rejection. This only leads to burnout. When I get burned out, I'm no good to anyone. This includes myself, my son, my partners, friends, family etc. That puts me right back into survival mode. I've been in a constant state of survival mode the last 6 years at the very least. Probably longer than that. Of course not every day is going to be easy. It's okay to have hard days, but I need to at least tell myself that I am a good person, and that I am doing the best that I can. Acknowledge it, add some compassion and self love, to reinforce the mindset reset. If I can love other people deeply, I can love myself deeply. I'm worth it. 

This statement holds true to the term toxic, or toxicity. This statement, is everywhere now a days. Overused and in many cases out of context. Its just another catch-phrase for the self help / awareness pop culture. Sure, there are toxic situations. People are in abusive relationships. Whether it be physical or mental abuse. In this case, it's a toxic relationship. However, Toxic should not be utilized for every situation. Everyone has toxic traits. What we need to focus on is using compassion and empathy to put ourself in an aware state as to why someone may have done what they did, said what they did. It doesn't mean what they did was right, it doesn't mean you have to be okay with the actions. Not everyone is malicious, or vindictive. There needs to be some understanding as to why things play out the way that they do. This is something that I need to work on a bit more. I admit that. 

I couldn't find the exact podcast episode that I was listening to this morning, however here is a segment by Mel Robins that gets into having control of your mind. I suggest grabbing a cup of coffee, some tea, finding a warm spot in the sun and taking it in. 

Your inner child pt. 3

For those that are wondering if they have a wounded inner child. Here's a A fairly short video that may be able to help answer the question for you. One would imagine that everyone has some sort of wounded inner child. I wouldn't think that anyone would have made it out of childhood unscathed. I think the question would be to what level of wound has everyone sustained. 

Things suddenly snap into place (holy shit)

I'm taking a break from work at the moment. I had a hard time concentrating this morning, so I figured that I would change up the scenery. I took a shower, packed my stuff up and went down to Rockcity to work for a few hours. It was nice to get out of the house. I treated myself to a Rueben sandwich, seemed like the right thing to do since Monday - Wednesday most of my meals consist of grazing on what ever is available.  A handful of nuts here, some snap peas and hummus there, protein shake etc. It was nice to be around people, even though I wasn't interacting with them. 

I continued to work on my ASPPA certification course that I am currently enrolled in, however, I found out pretty quick that my mind was just wandering, and I kept having to try to refocus. needless to say I wasn't getting much accomplished. I entertained the thought of letting my mind wander a bit, as I've been doing some seemingly endless work on deciphering what went wrong. It really just dawned on me how incredibly stressful of a year it was last year. I knew of everything that was going on as each piece came into play, but it seemed like I didn't have any time to reflect before the next thing happened. No wonder I couldn't hold my shit together, no wonder I had a ton of issues with stress, severe brain fog, disorganization, communication, sorting feelings out. I've been searching for a reason,it just seemed like it snapped into place for me today. 

The beginning of the year saw the passing of my Memere (my fathers mother.) Where I wasn't all too close with that side of the family (due to distance,) I was saddened to see her pass. Shortly after that my girlfriend and her kids moved out of the house due to a number of things, but the major reason at the time was due to a reactionary decision I made which was purely based on anxiety. Was this the only reason why our relationship failed? No, it wasn't. Could our relationship have been saved even if we tried to work through this situation? I'm not sure. Why the fuck didn't we go to couples counseling? I don't know....

As I write this tomorrow is the 1 year anniversary since I lost one of my most favorite people in my life. My Grandmother. After a rapid decline in her physical and cognitive ability she passed away in her sleep finally succumbing to Parkinson's disease. it was a traumatic thing for me to see this happen, and hurt my heart every time that I saw her. I was incredibly saddened to lose her, but I was happy that she was no longer suffering. I look at the photo on my wall daily of me walking her over the sand dunes in Florida. This was the last time that I saw her where she was close to the person that I once knew. Every time I look at this I see it as a metaphor as helping to escort her to the afterlife. 

Things in the family had been high stress surrounding my Grandmother as my Grandfather had been stirring shit within the family for the previous two years, pitting both sides of the family against each other. Two months after my grandmothers passing we lost him. What he actually died from is hard to say. He was hospitalized due to complications of heart failure, however, he contracted covid while in the hospital, so that may officially be his cause of death. I haven't seen his death certificate, so I have no way to tell what the actual cause was. Even though things were bad within the family for the last two years, his passing still impacted me. He loved his grandkids and he was always good to me growing up. He had a lot of anger going through him those last two years due to the split between him and my grandmother. Being 88 years old, and living in an apartment alone, he had nothing better to do than become bitter and resentful. I can somewhat relate to his situation as I had a lot of bitterness and resentment during my divorce as well. The difference between him and I is that I worked through the anger, and have not let is over take my life and consume me. 

No sooner did the funerals for both of my grandparents take place we had to put our dogs down. Spanky contracted cancer, and Lola had the start of  respiratory failure. We opted to put them down before they suffered to much. you can read more about Spanky if you want in another blog post that I have. He was a great friend to me, and even though the last 5 years of his life I wasn't able to keep him in my care, i looked forward to the times that I was able to see him. he was a great companion over the years. 

If we fast forward to the end of the year. We found out that we lost a baby, my little girl who I always wanted. This was just soul crushing. This lead directly into my brother in law having a Major stroke which almost took his life. The doctors still don't know how he is alive. That rocked our family, and watching my kid sister have to go through something like that while I am sitting 1600 miles away was hard for me. I was powerless to really do anything to help her at the time. ( I will be going down at the end of next month to help her with my nephews.) 

Each of these I saw, and felt, and accepted as they came. Due to the immense stress stemming from tension in relationships, loss, grief,  By the time the summer came around I was in a heavy brain fog, which was effecting my daily life, my work life, friendships, relationships & and we hadn't even reached the 2 other major events of the year. Let's take a quick look at how this breakdown.  

Memere dies + My family moving out + Grandmother dies + Grandfather dies + family dogs put down + house flooding+ Losing my baby + almost losing my brother in law + Depression + Anxiety + Job stressors + Fatherhood struggles + Financial struggles =  no. fucking. wonder.

This was a crushing year, this would have been enough to cripple most men i would think. I spent all of last year beating myself up, severely, guilt, sadness, anger...... Did I make some rash decisions, yes I did. Do I wish I would have made some different choices & decisions? I absolutely do 100%.  I admit and I accept that. However, I need to realize and accept that this was an incredibly difficult year (Even harder than the year I got divorced,) and I need to treat myself with some sort of tenderness and grace. stop beating myself up and forgive myself.  How I didn't really put all of this together and add it up to see what this equated to is beyond me. I think I kept on moving forward as a coping mechanism. That's the only way that I could see how I made it through. Make it through one shitstorm before dealing with the next one. I'm really interested to see what my Therapist has to say about all of this on Wednesday. That's fucking heavy. I wish that others could recognize that....

Despite all of the loss and craziness that happened last year, I was at least still able to find some beauty. I enjoyed the weather last summer, I was able to start jogging and did it on a fairly consistent basis. Lost enough weight to no longer be borderline diabetic,  Had a great time on our family vacation in Florida. I also shared an amazing weekend in NH with a beautiful person, in a beautiful place. I'm proud of myself for being able to see that, because sometimes when the going gets tough, and the stress, depression and anxiety kick in, it forces me to get into my head & then I focus on the negatives. Amongst all the death there was some beauty. 

Fernalds Neck

    Last nights BBQ was a good time. The weather turned, so it was a bit chilly as the night carried on. Food was good, the kids got to play in the yard and use the outdoor hot tub and I met a few new people. It was nice to have adult conversation, laugh, and have a few beers by the fire. Today was rather low key. spent some time catching up with family, and was able to meet up with my old friend who happened to be in town for the weekend. We hit up a Fernalds Neck out in Lincolnville. Awesome hike, great wooded trail, tons of huge trees, great view over Megunticook lake. A lake that I have been to a hundred times, however this was a whole other area and perspective that I have not seen yet. 

    The interesting thing is that I have driven by the road a hundred times on my way to Belfast and never knew that there was a hike at the end of it. We only did one trail, so I plan on going back to do the Orange trail next. Pretty easy hike but the whole hike was gorgeous. We spent the hike catching up and reminiscing the old days when we were road hardened show goers. Overall I am super glad that we were able to meet up.

 I headed back to South Thomaston an old familiar way. I probably should have traveled a different path as I immediately was flooded with memories, and a lot of feelings. I had a anxious fiery pang in my chest, it's been with me most of the afternoon. I'm exceptionally horny tonight. I just want to get dirty with you. ugh. This is so hard. Tub is definitely on the agenda tonight.  

 

Your Inner Child pt. 2

 I found a pretty neat resource on youtube that explains some pretty complex issues in a easier to understand format. This is proving to be useful and is opening my eyes to some things. To continue with the inner child concept that I am working on absorbing I wanted to share two short videos. The first one is about how what you experience as a child shapes your love style. I'm 100% the pleaser. I think this stems from growing up in a household with a father who was military who needed things done a certain way, and, to me, nothing could ever be done good enough. whether it be chores, or being compared academically to my sister. I have partial memories of me giving things to my parents or being overly friendly, specifically to try to earn that feeling of acceptance. 

This absolutely ties into what I do in my relationships. I want to make my partner happy I want that feeling of acceptance and love, so I will do anything to help. I find myself picking up extra slack around the house, alter plans last minute if they need help etc.. I do realize that this is to a fault as sometimes I do so much that I don't stop and this leads to burnout. 

This second video is about how your childhood experiences shape your personality. I find these to be pretty interesting and I find myself being comprised of a different elements across different categories. There is going to be one other video that I will post regarding having a "wounded inner child," but that's for a different post. 

 Are you able to determine which ones you are? If so, I'd be happy to hear about it. feel free to leave comments. You can find the youtube channel down below. I recommend checking them out. they have hundreds of videos covering all sorts of different topics. If you have something that you are trying to work through, you'll probably be able to find it here:

Psych2go youtube channel

The Sunny Days

The weekend! I slept in today, until 8. it was nice to stay wrapped up in the blankets and not have to rush this morning. I was able to catch up with my sister, which is always nice. I find that the older we get the better of a relationship that we have. I'm looking forward to going out there next month to help her with my nephews. Did a few quick errands, shipped out some mail orders and stopped at the record shop to fill the bins. Had a nice conversation with a guy that was flipping through records when I went in. He was stoked to find a copy of The carpenters for his wife and an REO Speedwagon record. Once I made it back to the house, I found myself with the opportunity to be kid free for a few hours today so I took the opportunity to head out to Port Clyde. With sun out, it just seemed like a good idea to head out for a drive. I had a chance to stop in at one of my favorite roadside stands on the way and picked up a fresh loaf of Molasses & Oat bread, as well as some home made BBQ sauce (I was going for the hot sauce, but they were out.)

 Next stop was to drift in beach where where I found myself a nice spot on a rock and continued reading the book that I am in the middle of. The book is called the hilarious world of depression. Kind of like a memoir of some ones experience with depression while growing up. This was one of those "read 1 paragraph on the back cover to see if you'll like it sort of things." I decided to take a chance on it. Turns out it's pretty good. I find myself having a lot in common with the Author. Childhood trauma, and the feeling of not fitting in slowly turning into depression, finding his outlet through hardcore punk music like Black Flag & the Freeze. that was a nice surprise as it didn't mention anything of the sort on the back cover. Interesting enough I was in a conversation yesterday about channeling my sadness and anger into that kind of music when I was growing up.  It was nice to soak in the sun, the warmth felt nice. The ride home was spent jamming tunes and singing along. I noticed that I have started getting goose bumps again when I listen to music, I love the Euphoric feeling. I missed it and I'm glad it's back.

I was invited to a BBQ later today, so I figured this is a chance to get out of the house, and maybe meet some new people. At the very least, I can eat a burger and talk about music & records with James. I received and email from my old high-school friend John, he said he is going to be in town and  staying at the Tradewinds this weekend. Hopefully tomorrow we can link up and maybe go hiking. would be nice to say that I actually had established plans ALL WEEKEND aside from the usual chores and puttering that I find myself doing.  Tonight I think i'm gonna treat myself to another tub, might even splurge and get the bubble bath i'm so fond of. May attempt another contact of my younger self tonight to let him know he is loved and safe. 

Your Inner Child pt. 1

 This is going to be quick because I'm tired, but felt compelled to update. After copious amounts of research this week, and a common theme of reaching out to your inner child. I decided to do just that. I won't share the letter here as there was information that I divulged that I was actually able to express out loud for the 1st time, and it's not something that I want going public. I was proud of myself though for holding it, staring at it and accepting it for what it was. the point of this letter was to let the 10 year old version of myself that is scared know that he is loved and cherished. He matters and is worthy. I read through it many times today with the intent of this letter permeating my conscious so he could hear it. 

Where it has been an emotional week, tonight I decided to fill up the tub, took some cannabis oil, put on some 432hz healing music and closed my eyes. the intent aside from relaxing was to wander the corridors of my inner self and try to find 10yr old Matt. I'm not sure how long I was trying to find him, I do know that I didn't find him and I was jolted out of it. I'll try again this weekend. I did lay in the tub for a bit and reflected on the week, and conversations had. My mind wandered off at one point and started thinking about the nights we had. I snapped to mid fantasy and realized what I was thinking. God i'd love to have just one more night with you.... 

Accomplishments.

    What a difference a few months can make in the course of life. Just as my life was turned upside down over night, I have come full circle over night. Around the Christmas holiday I had all but given up on finding a home for my son and I in the area. Lack of inventory and an influx  of out-of-staters (pukes) flocking to the state of Maine with expendable cash had made the house journey seem unattainable. However, I had put one final offer in on a house that had come up on the market in the small village of South Thomaston. To my surprise the owner accepted my offer and I found myself in a whirlwind of realtors, home inspections, bank appraisals, and mountains of paperwork. All during a pandemic no less. I am now the owner of a four bedroom ranch with an attached garage, workshop and a large deck nestled on an acre of land in between two farms. It was a three year journey, but I have finally accomplished what I set out to post divorce. I now have a stable home for my son & I. 

To stare out into the horse field in the morning while drinking my cup of coffee is a welcome relief. The home closing was a busy time between packing, and working. However, no sooner did I close on the home I had felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. The worry of not finding a place and soon to be priced out of the area with rent prices was now behind me. Most importantly I now have a place where my son and I can make memories that we will cherish going forward. Positive memories. 

Among other things, I feel that Esther and I have never been closer. The hiccup that we had this past December shows me that both her and I have what it takes to make the relationship work. That we are able to talk things out and work on it. That for me is a wonderful thing, I cherish her and her two boys. We are working on transitioning them here full time. It's nice to feel complete again, and to wake up and face life with the person that has been there for me the last few years, a person that knows my heart and has seen me at my worst, and at my best. Overall I feel like everything is going well with the transition. Blending five personalities is no easy task, but things are on a positive path and we are marching forward together as a cohesive unit. 

The weather is starting to turn. The trees are budding, blotches of color are returning to the coast. Patches of yellow, purples, blues and white are appearing in the fields and along the craggy ledges of rock in peoples yards. This is a time of year that I look forward to. Feeling the warmth of the sun on my body is an experience coming out of a long cold and windy winter. It warms the soul and pushes away the blues for a few short months. I see this summer being a continuation of the last few months as far as house projects go. Lots of yard work, clearing, burning, reshaping and carving the property into something that is ours. Colors, warmth, and filling the audible spectrum with the sounds of wildlife, birds, horses the geese that live behind and around the property. I see the lilies in the yard that are blooming and coming to life as a metaphor for my life at the moment. A new life blooming, I finally have a fresh start in a place that is mine, and a family to share it with. 

Sleeping in

I think I can speak to the vast majority of people out there when I say that the 2020 year has been extremely difficult on many fronts this year.  I hear talk from close friends that family life has been stressed, relationships have been stressed, some are out of work, many are tired of the confines of apartment life, and negativity is every direction that you turn, especially politically. I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't had my fair share of trials this year as well.  I will certainly be glad when 2020 comes to and end, and we can welcome a new year. 

I know that things will continue to remain tough for the first few months, but at least there is a light at the end of the tunnel for the turmoil that we have seen. The last few years have been a tough ride, moving back home, divorce, drab little bachelor pads, stressed out about living situations and making things work in the area I moved back to, the feeling like I don't belong in my own space, worrying about rejection, declining health of close family members. however, I am happy to report that after a tough few years that it appears I will be purchasing my own home for my son and I. This has been a goal since moving back to Maine in 2017. I am happy about it, and it will be a good place for my son to balance out and for me to plant my roots to be able to provide for him. Finally, I will have the space to be able to breathe and create again.  I feel a little bit lighter this week knowing that this is now a reality and not a pipedream I'm chasing. At some point I would love nothing more than to fill this home with the laughter and warmth of not only my son and I, but a few others as well. There may be no rebounding from this. 

Relationships are funny. It's one of those life things that you should have had classes on when you are a kid. However, we all know the school systems doesn't want to teach us anything that is actually useful in life. I try to nurture that wonderfully beautiful connection,  put forth effort, try to provide warmth, love , support and worry about not screwing up another relationship, just to watch it unfold. The irony of a relationship being on life support during the year of Covid  is not lost on me. My heart is heavy because of it. I'm tired of my heart being heavy. I'm tired of messing things up, I'm tired of failing, I'm tired of letting people down,  I'm just.......tired.  Maybe I just need to sleep in. 

 

I don't know what to expect for the coming year. I wasn't at all expecting the current year to play out and end as it has. I have experienced panic, sorrow, joy, heartache, and happiness this year. However, I have had the opportunity to wake up  every day, I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, a wonderful son, a wonderful family. I need to accept that what will be, will be. I may not like the outcome, and those are lessons that I have earned.  

Cultural Taboos about suicide and depression.

This ties into my last post. It's a really powerful story. The Stigma needs to change in order to have the discussion. Enjoy.

I'm Good.

Living with depression is something that I have grown accustom to. I have dealt with it on and off through out the course of my life. It was something I was always aware of growing up. I saw my mother deal with it while I was entering my teenage years. My maternal grandfather has anxiety issues, and my paternal grandfather was a manic depressive. I almost missed one of my good friends weddings when I was in my early twenties because of it.  It manifests itself in different forms, sometimes Anxiety, sometimes a dark hole consumes me and I struggle to climb my way back out. It's always the same pattern. Climb out of my hole and ascend to a manic high, then crash within a day or two and enter a world of shadows and cold even though the sun is shinning, this might last a day or a few weeks.
       Most of the time I am able to mask or hide from most of the world what is going on, I can get by with a simple one liner..."I'm good or I'm fine." My girlfriend seems to always know when I am not feeling well. There have also been times when my son has asked me if was okay. He's seven, but he's not stupid. He knows when I am not feeling well. The worst feeling in the world is knowing you are not okay, and having to answer that question that you are fine to your son. He knows I'm sad, but it's not a world that he needs to know anything about right now. I'm afraid it will be a part of his life.

The worst part about it are the games that it plays with your head. It's something that I struggle with. Even on medication  The ways depression effects me.

• Tells me I'm a bad Father
• Tells me I'm a bad partner
• Tells me I'm horrible at my job
• Tells me I'll never be able to afford a life
• Mental pain
• Physical pain
• Feelings of emptiness or despair
• Disconnected (thousand yard stare)
• Intrusive images
• Agitation
• Lower sex drive
• Guilt about my son having to bounce between two houses
• Crying at random
• Isolation / Withdrawing 
• Hard time concentrating

But I trudge through it day by day. Some days are better than others. I mention these things because it's a way for me to process and finally put out into the open and visualize how this effects me. Maybe someone else will see this and realize they are not alone. There is a big stigma with mental health in our country, especially with the male population. We shouldn't be embarrassed, we shouldn't  feel like we need to default to "I'm fine." We should hold each other accountable and have that discussion, as hard as it may be. Those discussions can make a difference, especially when you have little ones watching you.

The Arbiter.

The ongoing process of self healing and becoming a better person post divorce always seems to have me thinking. Over the last few months, a reoccurring thought has kept coming back to me in regards to the the Music scene and the impact that It had on shaping who I was through my twenties and into my early thirties. I initially got into the local hardcore and punk scene as a form of release and therapy during a time in my life where I did not really fit in. Of course I am referencing high school. Trying to find out who you are, trying to find the place the world where you fit. I was bit by the music bug. I was at the point where nothing that I was hearing on the radio really spoke to me, or I was able to see through the commercial garbage that it was. Once I found the hardcore and punk scene it was easy for me to know where my time was going to be invested over the course of the next two decades.

I attended every show that I could, weather that be in state, or out of state. I made friends. I supported their bands, I was blown away at the fact that I could have a release, an outlet of all the angst and rage that I had inside of me through music, or moshing, stage diving etc. We hit all the shows in state, and whatever shows we could out of state. I was in a band, I wrote a fanzine and I tried to give as much back to the music scene as it gave to me. At the end of the day we were a bunch outcasts, listening to outcast music. Although rather violent in nature, I often took it to be a positive thing. A positive outlet and channel for everything that I felt and was going through in life. Not that I came from a broken home or a bad environment, but mental illness and the every day pressures of life made a confusing world that much more confusing. Finally, it gave me something to believe in.

I find that it reached a point though where it started to become a negative thing. Looking back on it , it was probably the people that I surrounded myself with, and the fact that much of the music is negative. The further I got into the music scene, the more that it started to consume me. I found that I started to turn into someone that I was not. There was a lot of hard posturing, and a lot of negative talk. A lot of shit talking. The values that drew me to the music in the first place had started to become diluted  and dissipated over time. Not that I had turned into a complete asshole, but I became very narrow sighted, and certainly highly judgmental during my time in that particular scene. I had lost sight of why I became part of this in the first place.  It provided me a place to fit in when I didn't have a place to fit in to begin with. Why was I then denying or making it hard for new kids to appreciate the same feeling that I had. Why was I looking down on them as a lesser of a person because they didn't fit my exact definition of what that music was about. What the fuck. I wasn't born with a Minor Threat t-shirt on. I had to learn, and cut my teeth and come up the ranks as well. Who am I to be judgmental?

I'm not sure what caused me to become that in the end. Was it the people that I was hanging around with? Was it the years of negativity? Was it hive mentality and elitism of the music scene? When the fuck did the punk/hardcore scene become serious business? It's not. It's supposed to be about community, and fun. It certainly wasn't in the end. I'm sure I was a jerk to a lot of people, and I shouldn't have been. For that I apologize. Part of the reason that I became part of that music scene is because it gave me a place to go where I wasn't judged, and I became the one judging. A lot of us did, and sadly this many years removed, a handful of those people still are. I see it every day on the internet, or hear it through conversations, or in passing.

I have since removed myself from that music scene, and most of the people that I used to associate with in that time frame. I still hold that music in high regard, and most of it I do not regret in the slightest, with the exception of becoming the person I did in the end. I bring this up, because it's something that I have certainly been working on since my divorce. I've been doing a lot of soul searching, and I am trying to not be a judgmental person  anymore, realizing that everyone's situation is different. That person that just unloaded on you at work might have just lost a loved one, or have received news they didn't want. There seems to be so many judgmental people out there now a days, especially with the political state of our country.  It doesn't make sense to be part of the problem, when you can be part of the solution. 

Surviving Divorce

An interesting Ted talk about surviving divorce and three positive things that you can do to help aid you in your journey of self realization and healing. Step three is the part that really hit home for me. Pulling yourself back together and realizing who you are, what you you do, who your friends are.  connecting to people and activities that help define who you are. It was a fairly painful process to go through, but necessary.  

1. Sleep

2. Cultivate Self compassion

3. Pull yourself back together again

A constant reminder of something better (anniversary edition)

The relationship with my girlfriend has become extremely solid over the last year. She was my rock and the person I would seek refuge with during the year of my divorce. I was also the same for her. Two souls that were going through the same thing at the same time. We were walking through hell together, we were just at different points in hell. without her support I don't know where I would be. we have been hanging out with each other for the last two years, however, we have been officially dating for a year as of two days ago. My relationship with her is different than with my previous relationship in my marriage. She has shown me the way that relationships should be. That there are times for serious discussion, times for laughter, times for intimacy, time to nurture each other, time to decompress. It's very much a two way street. She has been incredibly supportive and has shown me that you are not supposed to be miserable in a relationship, you are not supposed to be so riddled with anxiety that you cannot talk to your partner. We have immersed our families together, and our boys get along together well. It's very much a brotherly situation. We have been introduced to the inner core of each others families. Including her coming on vacation with us last year to Florida. It's been nice, refreshing. A welcomed change to what I was accustomed to. 

We do not get a chance to go out often however because of the schedules that we both have our kids. It seems to be when I have my son, she does not have her boys, and when she has her boys I do not have my son. With that being said we tend to do things as a cohesive family unit. Which is great, but makes it hard for us to have a breather from the joyful chaos that is three boys between the ages of almost four through seven. When we do get quiet time, it is quite welcomed.  Our first anniversary this year fell on a Monday (the twenty-seventh.) Knowing that we really could not celebrate the occasion on a school night we opted to honor it on the Friday before. We didn't go far, we decided to keep it local and stayed two towns up from here in Camden Maine. I am not too familiar with this area as I am not from here originally. She, however, grew up in the town of Rockport and spent her teenage years hanging out in Camden, so she knew the spots. Our plan was to get food and to go back to the room and spend a quiet romantic evening. Let me tell you what, she found the absolute perfect place. It was a cute swanky Boutique hotel called 16 Bayview that was designed after 1930s New Orleans hotel with a modern flare to it. I was totally blown away by the building, the service, and the rooms. We ended up with a street side suite which included a king sized bed, fireplace, large bathroom with a large hot tub and a full glass and stone shower with a shower fixture that looked like it was designed to not only wash you, but scan for bomb residue (like in the airports.) It was wild.  She had fresh flowers ordered for the room, with a card that was made out to Mr. & Mrs. as they thought it was our first wedding anniversary, also a small box of chocolates. This made for quite the laugh. Such a feel good moment. 

Once we were checked in and got over the initial, what I like to call "holy shit" moment we decided to head up the street on foot to pick up the food that we ordered. We hit this Asian fusion restaurant in the heart of town called Long Grains. It was a special occasion, and again, we don't get out much (on average two dates a year) so we didn't spare any expense. Eighty-dollars later (which is reasonable for an anniversary dinner) we walked back down the street arm in arm with a brown bag of Asain cuisine takeout fit for a king and queen.  Dinner included steamed coconut lemongrass mussels, Maine crab fried rice, Chinese yellow noodles, and ginger chicken with mixed mushrooms. we ate with the fireplace going and listened to Mazzy Star. The food was absolutely to die for, I cannot speak highly enough of all the flavors and the quality of the food that was locally sourced. 

We had received complementary drink vouchers, so, after dinner we decided to make our way down to the bar on the first level of the hotel. we enjoyed our blue cocktails on a comfortable couch, before making our way back upstairs to utilize the hot tub and enjoy each others company. The following morning we took a quick stroll outside to the waterfront and pier before going back into the bar to have breakfast and before taking a further stroll down Main street to the stone library before going home. What was nice about this was the fact that we had a good discussion about what we wanted to do, and she took it upon her self to do some research and really try to put something special together for the two of us. It was so nice to be on the other end of that for a change, instead of being the one to try to put something together, and then hear complaining because they had to dress up, and then go back to the house to have them play on their phone the rest of the night. I sincerely appreciated the time and effort that she put into coming up with ideas of where to go for dinner, and she just made the judgement call to get the room (which she got at  a great price due to it being the off season.) It's nice to be on the same page with someone, and recognize that a relationship is a two way street, not just a take most of the time and give a little scenario. She is certainly a good one, has an incredible heart,  and I can't wait to see what the future holds.

Long Grain Camden

16 Bayview Hotel

Living with a person who has Narcissistic traits

Over the last two years I have been trying to not only figure myself out, but also learn from the past. What can I take away from divorce and my situation to learn from as I rise from the ashes. Sure, I'm not perfect, I realize that. There are things that I could have done differently, as to if it would have made a difference, who knows. I have been, however, dissecting the many facets of who I was married to as a person. trying to peel the layers back, and look deeper into that person based on red flags, and research that I have been doing. I have been wrestling with the fact that the person that I was married to indeed is a Narcissist, not a full blown Narcissist, but certainly hitting multiple points. It's an interesting situation because the image that is painted or portrayed is of someone who is empathetic, and, as of now, immersed in the world of  self healing and helping others. At first glance one would think that narcissism is not the case, which is why I have been wrestling with this revelation, and the irony of the situation at hand.

If one does research on the internet you will be quick to find that there are a handful of reasons why one can be narcissistic. Now, everyone has narcissistic tendencies, however there are a handful of reasons that the person I was married to seems to hit.  The constant manipulation and twisting of conversations to her favor, after what I feel was me being gas lighted for the last few years of our marriage. The fact that she was never wrong, ever, and to this day still is not wrong if there is a disagreement. How about the fact that my anxiety is half of what it used to be when I was around her, most of her old long term friends have cut her off, as well as her burning bridges with most of her family for some wrong doing of theirs, never hers (Part of me wonders if her new boo is working the isolation angle as most of her relationships that have been burned or strained have been since he has come into the picture. ) over the years has been and continues to be  judgmental of other people to the point of ruining past friendships. She would get upset if I chose to not respond to her when I knew she was trying to bait me in an argument. That used to drive her nuts, and it still does to this day.  The list goes on, again not all points are hit, but there are plenty that she does hit. 

The weird thing is that all of this stuff never really hit me while I was in the marriage, I just knew something was wrong. It wasn't until we split, that I started paying attention to the other relationships that she was involved in and they were starting to fall apart. I began connecting what other people were saying to my own experiences. I have my own suspicions that she was cheating on me when we moved back to Maine, if not physically then certainly emotionally as she was very quick to move her interest into the house after I moved out. Yet another common trait found among people with narcissistic tendencies.  I have also heard they met at my current place of employment, and then both quit together to ultimately work for another employer together.  I'll never truly know. 
               
What I do find interesting is that through out the years a common conversation was about how her mother was very much the same way, and that she wanted to become nothing like her mother. This seemed to be a reoccurring conversation over the almost 15 years that we were together. It wasn't an every day conversation, but something that came up a few times a year. To hear members of the family mention in the past that she is headed in that direction makes me feel sad for her. So much time and effort over the years talking about what she didn't want to be, and she is headed down that same path. I find that to certainly be about as ironic as ironic gets. It's been interesting having these revelations, and it was certainly painful living in that situation during the last two years of my marriage. I knew that we were drifting apart, my anxiety was off the charts, she started spending more and more time involved with projects, or going to friends houses from morning until later in the evening while I was at home with our son. feeling like I had to walk on eggshells around her . It made it hard to exist. It certainly took a toll on my nerves and my mental health. To the point where it makes me hyper aware of things now and question the things that she does or her motive. on the Plus side, my anxiety is since under control, and the crashing waves of stress from the initial fall out of divorce has subsided. I'm starting to see things more clearly, and still getting used to my new routines, and new life that I have started forging for myself post divorce. I have a great support system. I wish I would have seen the signs, while I was in my marriage. I also failed to make the connection that the traits that haunted her from her mother may also lead into her behavior later down the road. 

if you find yourself living with a person who has Narcissistic tendencies or traits and are not sure where to look or what to do, I have provided a few links below. 

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder
How to deal with a Narcissist

.....Of head-walks and sing-a-longs.

Coming out of the Holiday and New Year season, I find myself drawn to songs and albums that bring me back to a simpler time. A time when I was still cutting my teeth on the music scene, when I was realizing there was beauty in chaos and aggression, that music could be used as a weapon for change and the DIY ethic that came with it. A time before I was constantly tired, and every weekend was filled with friends, stage dives and high fives ( to quote a favorite New England band, I'll let you figure that one out.) Is part of my life. It's Unfortunate, but for a time I was completely burned out on it. Shows every weekend, writing a fanzine, interviewing bands,  starting my own band, playing my own gigs on top of 40 hour work weeks. I have been removed from this music scene ultimately for the last ten years. I have found myself being drawn back to it as of recent.  I think as therapeutic as it was for me as a teenager and into my late 20's it still proves to be a huge part of who I am and a much therapeutic release for me today.

A flood of memories comes back to me from hundreds of shows over the years. Meeting so many wonderful people. So many good times leading up to shows, giving all of my blood , sweat , and sometimes tears ( in the case of the Hatebreed set in New Hampshire at the Bombshelter shortly after my cousin died in the Station night club in Rhode Island.) I think that when I was a kid it was a way for me to feel like I had a place to fit in, a place to quell anxieties that I had at the time. Very much my therapy. I could deal with whatever bullshit I needed to during the week, but on the weekend we were hitting the shows all over New England. I look back on that time fondly and wouldn't change it for the world.

Now a days, it's therapeutic to me in the sense of bringing back good feelings. If i'm having a hard time I know if I put on, say,  Terrors "Lowest of the Low" album, or Strife's "in this defiance" album that it's an instant mood changer for me. The aggression of those albums, and the great memories that they bring back to me are monumental.  who every says aggressive music cannot be positive is full of shit. These feelings have been elevated for me over the last week with the announcement of the Death Before Dishonor show at Genos in Portland. A lot of old heads are going to be coming out for the show, and my best friends band will be opening up for the show.

This will be big for me as well in the sense that this is the first time in 15 years that I will be going to a hardcore show without my ex-wife. To be honest it's a little weird as she was always with me. So, I feel that this is really the final step to leaving the old life behind. I'm being reborn in the sense of gravitating back towards the music scene I cut my teeth with something that meant so much to me, and something that truly made me happy, with a woman I love that also makes me happy, and will be surrounded by friends that make me happy as well.  I was extremely moved that my girlfriend wanted to go to the show, because she knows how much this world and life meant to me and helped define who I am as a person.  It's nice to continue marching forward with someone who is truly into it and not going through the motions and to be able to share something so special with someone special.

The Hypocrisy of self healing

It seems that in this day in age everyone is talking about self help and self healing. You might hear it at the water cooler, or at the gym, or in social circles while you are out. You virtually cannot go anywhere on the internet without seeing some sort of meme talking about self help or self healing on Instagram or Facebook as well as newsfeeds. How many articles about self healing are at a click of a button through blogs, or media. I think self care is wonderful, and I think that it certainly serves its purpose for a lot of people. Personal growth is something that we all need to go through. Throughout the course of your life you need to heal from certain traumas, or just grow as an individual to reach the next phase of your life.

With that being said you also need to practice the things that you are preaching about. Being mindful of self help and self care over the last few months, I have kept track and tabs of the things that people are posting on the topics and what they actually end up doing. One of these happened recently. This person, for the last two years, has been extremely vocal on the internet about protecting yourself from toxic relationships,self healing, and being kind to other people. However at the same token, is publicly making fun of people that were in their life fifteen years ago,  because of some wrong doing that had taken place. Clearly, they are still holding on to things that happened ages ago. Can you really preach to other people about self progress, when you clearly cannot let the past go? Can you really preach about being kind to others when in fact you are being the opposite of that, and doing it when it fits your agenda?

 I am guilty of the same thing. I too partook in the same type of behavior for years with this person. It wasn't until the last two years, where I have done some serious re-evaluating of my life, and who I am as a person that I said to myself "why do I still even have something against this person?" I have since apologized to them for my behavior over the years, and have since mended fences. What gets me is that we used to be great friends before this other person came around and ultimately ended up sabotaging the friendship, which seems to be a common trend through out their life. What about your children, how are you going to set the right examples if you're talking about one thing, and practicing another. 

Food for thought. This is something that has rubbed me the wrong way. Yet another façade, a smoke show. In this current age of technology people are way to caught up in making themselves look good, and painting a picture of their lives.Self help is great, but how many people who preach this, In reality,  are miserable? Self help? Sure, if you say so...…..but clearly there hasn't been much mental maturity over the years as you're in the same spot you were all those years ago. It's simply a reflection of yourself upon the people you are insulting through your hypocrisy. But,  I'm sure it does wonders for how many people "like" your posts though.