Sunday, April 23, 2023

Hard Conversations were had today

I had been thinking most of the night last night about the events that unfolded yesterday and the conversations that were had. I replayed sequence of you saying "I don't hate you, I hate what happened..." and then getting in the van and driving away in my head,  maybe a 100 times. I eventually fell asleep and woke up early. I was in the need of something uplifting, so, we got ready for church and ran into an old friend and had some good conversation before coming back home. 

Continuing with the uplifting theme, I purchased last minute tickets to the Elton John Tribute show "Yellow brick road" that was playing at the waldo theatre, and hit the road for the show. Killer show. Played pretty much every hit you would want to hear from Elton. On the way down, of course, my mind was wandering in and out of thoughts from yesterday again. I thought I was going to shake it once we got to the show.  However, the universe, or divine intervention, or SOMETHING, had a different idea of what was going to happen. The show started, and it was like the universe was sending messages to me. It seemed as if these Elton songs were talking directly to me, as if he wrote every single hit song about what was going on in my life at this exact moment. Telling me what I need to do, and it was very loud, and very clear. A few times during the show I felt myself tearing up. Quite the emotional experience. Over all the show was great, and Orion really seemed to enjoy it as well. 

When we got home, know that I was going to be dropping Orion off at his moms shortly, I messaged her and let her know that we needed to talk. I know that in order to move on processing certain traumas that I need to officially lay this old tired divorce to bed so shrouded the true intention of the conversation with this. She came out to talk when I pulled up. Now she is the type of person that needs to be stroked so I went into the conversation letting her know that I can accept the divorce and that I forgive her for the divorce, not really for her but so that I can move on. I let her know that the divorce was easy for her because she was from the area and has friends and the ability to be social and that she left me totally isolated. she tried to break into a sob story about how she doesn't have anyone and I told her that I don't feel bad, she made her bed, time to lay in it. 

I then went into that during my isolation A family had taken me in and that this family over the course of the last 5 years were now MY family. I told her that I had to watch my family drive away yesterday and that a major reason for them driving away was because of the massive wedge that she put in between me and the one that I love. I proceeded to tell her that I am no longer allowing her to scare or lure me into making irrational decisions by dangling time with my son in my face. That she ruined my family once and I am not going to let her ruin my family again, and I am done playing games. If that means that you want to end up in court then by all means I will meet you there. I am done and no longer scared of her. That I will do what I need to do to protect my family moving forward. This segued into letting her know that I will be having a conversation with her in the near future about new boundaries that will be laid down and a potential change in time with Orion, possibly one week on and one week off.

i'm so over her bullshit and effect that it has had. Fuck around and find out. 

Surprisingly, this conversation came to me very easily and with a calming effect for me instead of the usual anxiety ridden mess that my conversations with her tend to be. I got back in the car feeling really good that I was able to lay it down, and that she was crying on the way into the house. I think all this crying the last few weeks and watching you drive away has finally cleared the last of my hazy brain of mine. Everything seems clear. I'm looking forward to my next session with the therapist.


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