Full Custody pt.3 & Insurance

This morning was productive at least. I had a meeting with a lawyer regarding the water damage situation that took place last summer. We had a consultation about potential representation and taking the company to court. Due to the claim being upwards of $21,000 I am not able to handle this in small claims court. It's going to cost at least $3000 to get to the mediation table and no guarantees on an offer to settle, and may lead to trial at that point. on top of that if I do win my case he's gonna take another $5000 off the top of what ever is awarded. So I may have to spend $8000-$10000 to pocket $2000-$3000 bucks. Talk about discouraging. He's going to forward all of the information that we talked about and I've got some analyzing and thinking to do on this. I'm not sure how the hell I'm gonna get that paid off. Insurance companies are such a fucking scam. They make a living off of other peoples misfortunes and somehow sleep well at night. Talk about sociopaths....

I paid for a full hour consultation on the matter and had time left over so I decided to get a second opinion about obtaining full custody of my son based on his mother being manipulative, narcissistic, weaponizing  and having him live with an abusive alcoholic for a year plus and lying to me about said information. That I have a copy of the PFA against her ex and that I didn't find out about it until the day she called to tell me she just put it against him. He stated that I don't have a case. It would need to be a situation of abuse, neglect, drug related for me to have a shot. He concurred that I could change the custody agreement to have me listed as primary resident, which really would only come into play in the case of child support payments, and that I could get allocated rights to make decisions on medical, educational decisions, etc. in the event of disagreement. He stated that it would really just be a "one up" on her on the paperwork . I've got one other law firm I'm contacting for a third opinion on the matter. 

**edit**

Received a phone call from Moncure & Barnicle regarding my inquiry about sole custody. Another confirmation that there is no case for sole custody. They did state that if she gets back with her abusive boyfriend or something to that effect takes place in the future than I can file a motion of change of custody. I discussed Primary Residence and she confirmed that where I'm not currently paying child support it wouldn't have much effect for me with the exception that I could have the right to say I'm primary. It would give me the right to tax returns every year, but based on divorce decree we alternate claiming him. Her recommendation was to wait until he is twelve and and wait for a good time to work it into conversation to see if he verbalizes that he wants to live with me full time, if it's something he wants to do then fill out the paperwork to start the process. 

Bean

Something I wrote a back around mid October. You'd be arriving in two more months. I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I'm not well. Maybe you could be with me, just for a little while. 

I never thought I would be in a position in my life where I would be writing a letter to my unborn child. I know you were only a few weeks old, but I believe life starts at conception. You were only the size of a bean, but you were on your way to becoming a major part of my life in just a few short months. I won't have that chance to meet you.

    I said I believe life starts at conception, but I also believe the unborn choose who they want to be with. I take comfort in the fact you know who I am. I'm your father. Although I was not planning on having you , you chose us. I'd be lying if I would say I wasn't scared. I was, but I knew that I would have made it work I would have found a way to be a good father to you. I always wanted a daughter. I'm not sure if that's what you would have been been, but I can imagine.

    You were created out of love. Your Mother is very beautiful and I have no doubt you would have followed in her footsteps. You would have had 3 brothers. All different in their own right, but full of love. They would have done a wonderful job of protecting and looking out for you. you would have been surrounded by love and you would have provided the same to us. I've spent the last few weeks wondering what you would have looked like. What your interests would have been, what and or who you would have turned out to be. I didn't get a chance to meet you, but I love you. I love you because you are a part of me and because I love your mother. Even though you were to small to have a heartbeat, your heart would have been big and you would have been able to love deeply. 

I am saddened that I won't get to rock you, or have late nights with you, or see your first toothless smile and all of the other things that I would have loved to experience with you. I won't forget you. Weird to verbalize since I never met you, I'm sure you understand what I mean. I hope to meet you some day, maybe when the time comes for me to pass. I know your mom won't forget you either. Thank you for bringing us closer together & please look after her and your brothers. They would have loved  you. Say hello to Leigh , Doris, and Normand for me. You would have been my little princess. 

Your name would have been Lane Leigh Dionne. 

Love,

Dad

Sleeping in

I think I can speak to the vast majority of people out there when I say that the 2020 year has been extremely difficult on many fronts this year.  I hear talk from close friends that family life has been stressed, relationships have been stressed, some are out of work, many are tired of the confines of apartment life, and negativity is every direction that you turn, especially politically. I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't had my fair share of trials this year as well.  I will certainly be glad when 2020 comes to and end, and we can welcome a new year. 

I know that things will continue to remain tough for the first few months, but at least there is a light at the end of the tunnel for the turmoil that we have seen. The last few years have been a tough ride, moving back home, divorce, drab little bachelor pads, stressed out about living situations and making things work in the area I moved back to, the feeling like I don't belong in my own space, worrying about rejection, declining health of close family members. however, I am happy to report that after a tough few years that it appears I will be purchasing my own home for my son and I. This has been a goal since moving back to Maine in 2017. I am happy about it, and it will be a good place for my son to balance out and for me to plant my roots to be able to provide for him. Finally, I will have the space to be able to breathe and create again.  I feel a little bit lighter this week knowing that this is now a reality and not a pipedream I'm chasing. At some point I would love nothing more than to fill this home with the laughter and warmth of not only my son and I, but a few others as well. There may be no rebounding from this. 

Relationships are funny. It's one of those life things that you should have had classes on when you are a kid. However, we all know the school systems doesn't want to teach us anything that is actually useful in life. I try to nurture that wonderfully beautiful connection,  put forth effort, try to provide warmth, love , support and worry about not screwing up another relationship, just to watch it unfold. The irony of a relationship being on life support during the year of Covid  is not lost on me. My heart is heavy because of it. I'm tired of my heart being heavy. I'm tired of messing things up, I'm tired of failing, I'm tired of letting people down,  I'm just.......tired.  Maybe I just need to sleep in. 

 

I don't know what to expect for the coming year. I wasn't at all expecting the current year to play out and end as it has. I have experienced panic, sorrow, joy, heartache, and happiness this year. However, I have had the opportunity to wake up  every day, I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, a wonderful son, a wonderful family. I need to accept that what will be, will be. I may not like the outcome, and those are lessons that I have earned.  

What do you want your child to remember?

Recent events today had me strolling through youtube and listening to some Tedtalks. This is an interesting listen in regards to building memories and not setting expectations. Hug your child. Make those minutes count. What do you want your child to remember?

New place, more of the same

I finally made it in. Mostly set up and in a place where my son has his own space now. it's nice to be able to put him to bed in his own room now, it's nice knowing that he has a place to go to, to call his own. The over all area, I feel is better. the yard is much bigger, there is a playground next door for him to go to, the street is quiet yet we are right in the middle of town. He has the space to have his friends over if he chooses. Even though he misses the other apartment, he'll come to appreciate this place. It was a long weekend, and the last few days have been long between work, meeting with folks for utilities, parent teacher conferences, and trying to unpack and get his space situated and set up. I am however making progress.

I am now almost thirty days into my first round of prescription for depression. I'm not really sure how I feel, there still seems to be days that are okay, and days that are not so good. I don't know if it's because of the stress of the moving situation or what. I guess more time will tell. so far, no major adverse effects. The time change has been messing with me this week, and it's rather depressing to get out of work and have it be dark. This is only the beginning, at this rate it is going to be a long winter. Better brace yourself, because it's coming like a freight train off it's tracks and when it hits it's not going to be pretty.

 I'm tired of feeling this way. I can't shake the horrible feeling of not having a support system up in the immediate area. the feeling of being alone is overwhelming at times. knowing that my house can be so full of joy with Orion here, and then a few minutes later it's completely quiet and empty when he goes back with his mother. It's a pain my heart will never quite get over.

Turning the bad into something good

Since my divorce I have holding on to my wedding ring. It's been locked in a box and tucked up into my closet. The paperwork has been done for over a year, but I wasn't ready, for whatever reason to get rid of it prior to this particular day. I had taken the ring with me a few times to get sell it, but I had never actually walked through the door of the jewelers to sell it. what was I waiting for?

I think part of me wanted something good to come out of it. I didn't want to sell the ring and use it to pay bills, or blow it on stupid shit. Something that meant a lot at one point should be reborn into something else that is positive. I decided to use the money to pay for father/ son photos this fall. I am getting ready to transition out of my apartment that I was forced into, and into another place of my choosing. A place that my son has his own room and a large yard to play. He no longer has to worry about the train barreling ,the back yard, we no longer have to share a bed. With us transitioning into our new place, I figured getting photos would be the icing on the cake for our new place.

we went out to St. George, and met with a photographer Jessica Lecaptain. She had pumpkins and hay bales in the yard, as well as patch work quilts. it was a nice little set up. We were only there for about a half hour, and wasn't sure what the results were going to be. The end result came out awesome. I couldn't be happier of how the photos turned out. Taking something like a wedding ring which now symbolized pain, and hard times was turned into something beautiful. its really hard to put into words. But it is exactly what I was looking for. Here is to new beginnings, and moving to a place shortly that will not be full of bad memories, and 2 years worth of dark times.

Night time drive

Day three on medication. Had an amazing night at my house last night with my girlfriend. It was  a rare occasion that she is able to make it over to my place. we went for a drive to look at the moon , proceeded to come back to my place and had some tea. Lit candles and just enjoyed the quiet together. I enjoy our quiet time together, as rare as it is. It provides a sense of calm that otherwise is hard to come by in our hectic lives.

I stepped out the door today to grey skies and cold air blowing from the harbor. Typical fall day in Maine coming out of a gorgeous Sunday. I don't know if it was the weather but, the later part of the day I found myself struggling a bit. I made it through work, and it was actually a pretty productive afternoon. My girl friend wanted me to ride with her to go pick up her boys from their dads house. was a bit of a drive out there and figured that it would be nice to see all the bright orange, yellows and reds of the changing fall leaves. I found myself on the verge of a panic attack for most of the way out which put a damper on the ride itself.

I've been struggling since, well, since the divorce that I no longer have the piece of the American dream that I once had. House, dog etc. I have no place to call my own, and knowing that my family isn't around makes it even harder being reminded of this on a daily basis. Seeing how it is to make a living around here coupled with the housing market really makes me wonder if I'll ever get to that point again. It makes me sad. Sure sad for me, but also sad for my son as . He never asked for this, and yet he is a bystanders of the outcome. Kids are resilient, I get that, but I see him being in limbo between two temporary living situations. driving around and seeing the nice homes nestled in the woods of Camden hills and Lincolnville, smelling the woodstoves; it all made me miss what once was. The castle I had to call my own.

I was rather quiet on the way home. I guess I needed to just allow myself to feel it and work through it. I now sit, eating Chinese food fixated on shitty situation that I find myself in, I miss my son, and I miss my family. It's going to be a long holiday season for me.  What the fuck is wrong with you dude. ugh.

Little Eyes

Have you ever felt the pain
The type that drives you insane
Feels like black clouds and rain
Makes you suffocate for days
But you don't crack, you don't break
Because little eyes are watching

But inside you are dying
Though it's not for lack of trying
You keep the line a towing
But deep down you feel broken
And the sadness, it keeps growing
So you keep people from knowing
Because little eyes are watching

You put that smile on so well
But from your eyes they can tell
You're in your own personal hell
In black tar you dwell
But you want to stay well
A piece of your soul you'd sell
Because little eyes are watching

Then they give you that smile
The kind you can see for a mile
Which warms up your heart
And brings you back to the start
Makes the clouds go away
And you survive one more day
For those little eyes that are watching