Accomplishments.

    What a difference a few months can make in the course of life. Just as my life was turned upside down over night, I have come full circle over night. Around the Christmas holiday I had all but given up on finding a home for my son and I in the area. Lack of inventory and an influx  of out-of-staters (pukes) flocking to the state of Maine with expendable cash had made the house journey seem unattainable. However, I had put one final offer in on a house that had come up on the market in the small village of South Thomaston. To my surprise the owner accepted my offer and I found myself in a whirlwind of realtors, home inspections, bank appraisals, and mountains of paperwork. All during a pandemic no less. I am now the owner of a four bedroom ranch with an attached garage, workshop and a large deck nestled on an acre of land in between two farms. It was a three year journey, but I have finally accomplished what I set out to post divorce. I now have a stable home for my son & I. 

To stare out into the horse field in the morning while drinking my cup of coffee is a welcome relief. The home closing was a busy time between packing, and working. However, no sooner did I close on the home I had felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. The worry of not finding a place and soon to be priced out of the area with rent prices was now behind me. Most importantly I now have a place where my son and I can make memories that we will cherish going forward. Positive memories. 

Among other things, I feel that Esther and I have never been closer. The hiccup that we had this past December shows me that both her and I have what it takes to make the relationship work. That we are able to talk things out and work on it. That for me is a wonderful thing, I cherish her and her two boys. We are working on transitioning them here full time. It's nice to feel complete again, and to wake up and face life with the person that has been there for me the last few years, a person that knows my heart and has seen me at my worst, and at my best. Overall I feel like everything is going well with the transition. Blending five personalities is no easy task, but things are on a positive path and we are marching forward together as a cohesive unit. 

The weather is starting to turn. The trees are budding, blotches of color are returning to the coast. Patches of yellow, purples, blues and white are appearing in the fields and along the craggy ledges of rock in peoples yards. This is a time of year that I look forward to. Feeling the warmth of the sun on my body is an experience coming out of a long cold and windy winter. It warms the soul and pushes away the blues for a few short months. I see this summer being a continuation of the last few months as far as house projects go. Lots of yard work, clearing, burning, reshaping and carving the property into something that is ours. Colors, warmth, and filling the audible spectrum with the sounds of wildlife, birds, horses the geese that live behind and around the property. I see the lilies in the yard that are blooming and coming to life as a metaphor for my life at the moment. A new life blooming, I finally have a fresh start in a place that is mine, and a family to share it with. 

Two Energies

I've never connected with a person as I have with you.

Our energies twisting and dancing , embracing each other.

Akin to wisps being carried on the gentle wind. Or,

light beams racing through time and space.

Our souls, playing a friendly game of chase;

Like two children playing on a grassy knoll.

Though apart, I can still feel your glow.

Like, a radiant light that warms up my soul.

That helps to bring healing , a reminder of ;

What was, and can be,

Because of the connection between you and me.

So, let us heal, and come back as one.

Let our passion grow as hot as the sun.

Entangled together we make love in the sky,

while the laughter of two children can be heard

As the wisps float on by.....

Sleeping in

I think I can speak to the vast majority of people out there when I say that the 2020 year has been extremely difficult on many fronts this year.  I hear talk from close friends that family life has been stressed, relationships have been stressed, some are out of work, many are tired of the confines of apartment life, and negativity is every direction that you turn, especially politically. I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't had my fair share of trials this year as well.  I will certainly be glad when 2020 comes to and end, and we can welcome a new year. 

I know that things will continue to remain tough for the first few months, but at least there is a light at the end of the tunnel for the turmoil that we have seen. The last few years have been a tough ride, moving back home, divorce, drab little bachelor pads, stressed out about living situations and making things work in the area I moved back to, the feeling like I don't belong in my own space, worrying about rejection, declining health of close family members. however, I am happy to report that after a tough few years that it appears I will be purchasing my own home for my son and I. This has been a goal since moving back to Maine in 2017. I am happy about it, and it will be a good place for my son to balance out and for me to plant my roots to be able to provide for him. Finally, I will have the space to be able to breathe and create again.  I feel a little bit lighter this week knowing that this is now a reality and not a pipedream I'm chasing. At some point I would love nothing more than to fill this home with the laughter and warmth of not only my son and I, but a few others as well. There may be no rebounding from this. 

Relationships are funny. It's one of those life things that you should have had classes on when you are a kid. However, we all know the school systems doesn't want to teach us anything that is actually useful in life. I try to nurture that wonderfully beautiful connection,  put forth effort, try to provide warmth, love , support and worry about not screwing up another relationship, just to watch it unfold. The irony of a relationship being on life support during the year of Covid  is not lost on me. My heart is heavy because of it. I'm tired of my heart being heavy. I'm tired of messing things up, I'm tired of failing, I'm tired of letting people down,  I'm just.......tired.  Maybe I just need to sleep in. 

 

I don't know what to expect for the coming year. I wasn't at all expecting the current year to play out and end as it has. I have experienced panic, sorrow, joy, heartache, and happiness this year. However, I have had the opportunity to wake up  every day, I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, a wonderful son, a wonderful family. I need to accept that what will be, will be. I may not like the outcome, and those are lessons that I have earned.  

Cultural Taboos about suicide and depression.

This ties into my last post. It's a really powerful story. The Stigma needs to change in order to have the discussion. Enjoy.

What do you want your child to remember?

Recent events today had me strolling through youtube and listening to some Tedtalks. This is an interesting listen in regards to building memories and not setting expectations. Hug your child. Make those minutes count. What do you want your child to remember?

I'm just "Dad."

People come and go in life. Sometimes you know them, other times you really don't. Sometimes you realize how much a neurotic mess they have turned out to be. Even though those friendships may no longer be there it is rather sad to witness a perceived decline. The one thing that doesn't seem to change however are the excuses or placing of blame. Negating ownership of their own issues that drag on like a sinking fishing trawler destined for the sea floor. Always pointing the finger. A projection of their insecurities upon others. A reflection of ones self? Probably. 

How does one deal with someone like this, when they are tied biologically together? Sure, one can put up barriers. There is also only so long one can avoid the other.  One normally does not want to find themselves wishing days to pass as our time on this rock is short. However, I find myself counting the days until all of those awkward conversations are a distant memory. The daily or weekly interactions are a continuing punishment for a failed marriage. A constant reminder, as is phantom pain to the amputee who keeps reliving the accident that took his or her limb. 

Over the course of the last few years I have trudged through the pits of hell, dragging myself on broken hand and knee to the sunlight reaching and grasping for any shred of hope to make it through. I have struggled with navigating the waters of parenting my child in a fucked up post divorce situation. Finding out what works best for the connection that my son and I have. Anxiety, depression, second guessing myself, but always owning the situation with as much grace I can muster. Some days are better than others. Point being, is that regardless of the bad days, I have reached into myself to make that connection with my son the best way that I know how. I can only say what works for me. I can't tell you how to parent your own child.

The bitter me from two years ago would have told you that everything you have gone through the last two years was brought about because of your actions. However, I've moved past being a bitter person. Is it your fault that you are a neurotic mess because of how you grew up? No, but it's how you choose to deal with the situation.  Adding unnecessary anxiety to a situation doesn't help either party, especially when the situation is stressful enough as it is and that party is your son. We are divorced, yet here I find myself still helping out. Not because I want to help you, but because I feel bad for him. Through all the escalations we cannot grasp the fact that it could possibly be anything of your doing, so, let's just throw another clinical term out there. 

So, I will keep being there as a rock for my flesh and blood. I'll be there to give him a hug when he comes running through the door. I'll try not to count the days for the next ten years, and I'll continue to pick up the slack for him from any shortcomings that arise in his life. When I can't find a way to reach him, I will try another way and not escalate it, because that's what we are supposed to do.  What do I know though? I'm just "Dad."

The Arbiter.

The ongoing process of self healing and becoming a better person post divorce always seems to have me thinking. Over the last few months, a reoccurring thought has kept coming back to me in regards to the the Music scene and the impact that It had on shaping who I was through my twenties and into my early thirties. I initially got into the local hardcore and punk scene as a form of release and therapy during a time in my life where I did not really fit in. Of course I am referencing high school. Trying to find out who you are, trying to find the place the world where you fit. I was bit by the music bug. I was at the point where nothing that I was hearing on the radio really spoke to me, or I was able to see through the commercial garbage that it was. Once I found the hardcore and punk scene it was easy for me to know where my time was going to be invested over the course of the next two decades.

I attended every show that I could, weather that be in state, or out of state. I made friends. I supported their bands, I was blown away at the fact that I could have a release, an outlet of all the angst and rage that I had inside of me through music, or moshing, stage diving etc. We hit all the shows in state, and whatever shows we could out of state. I was in a band, I wrote a fanzine and I tried to give as much back to the music scene as it gave to me. At the end of the day we were a bunch outcasts, listening to outcast music. Although rather violent in nature, I often took it to be a positive thing. A positive outlet and channel for everything that I felt and was going through in life. Not that I came from a broken home or a bad environment, but mental illness and the every day pressures of life made a confusing world that much more confusing. Finally, it gave me something to believe in.

I find that it reached a point though where it started to become a negative thing. Looking back on it , it was probably the people that I surrounded myself with, and the fact that much of the music is negative. The further I got into the music scene, the more that it started to consume me. I found that I started to turn into someone that I was not. There was a lot of hard posturing, and a lot of negative talk. A lot of shit talking. The values that drew me to the music in the first place had started to become diluted  and dissipated over time. Not that I had turned into a complete asshole, but I became very narrow sighted, and certainly highly judgmental during my time in that particular scene. I had lost sight of why I became part of this in the first place.  It provided me a place to fit in when I didn't have a place to fit in to begin with. Why was I then denying or making it hard for new kids to appreciate the same feeling that I had. Why was I looking down on them as a lesser of a person because they didn't fit my exact definition of what that music was about. What the fuck. I wasn't born with a Minor Threat t-shirt on. I had to learn, and cut my teeth and come up the ranks as well. Who am I to be judgmental?

I'm not sure what caused me to become that in the end. Was it the people that I was hanging around with? Was it the years of negativity? Was it hive mentality and elitism of the music scene? When the fuck did the punk/hardcore scene become serious business? It's not. It's supposed to be about community, and fun. It certainly wasn't in the end. I'm sure I was a jerk to a lot of people, and I shouldn't have been. For that I apologize. Part of the reason that I became part of that music scene is because it gave me a place to go where I wasn't judged, and I became the one judging. A lot of us did, and sadly this many years removed, a handful of those people still are. I see it every day on the internet, or hear it through conversations, or in passing.

I have since removed myself from that music scene, and most of the people that I used to associate with in that time frame. I still hold that music in high regard, and most of it I do not regret in the slightest, with the exception of becoming the person I did in the end. I bring this up, because it's something that I have certainly been working on since my divorce. I've been doing a lot of soul searching, and I am trying to not be a judgmental person  anymore, realizing that everyone's situation is different. That person that just unloaded on you at work might have just lost a loved one, or have received news they didn't want. There seems to be so many judgmental people out there now a days, especially with the political state of our country.  It doesn't make sense to be part of the problem, when you can be part of the solution. 

Surviving Divorce

An interesting Ted talk about surviving divorce and three positive things that you can do to help aid you in your journey of self realization and healing. Step three is the part that really hit home for me. Pulling yourself back together and realizing who you are, what you you do, who your friends are.  connecting to people and activities that help define who you are. It was a fairly painful process to go through, but necessary.  

1. Sleep

2. Cultivate Self compassion

3. Pull yourself back together again

Living with a person who has Narcissistic traits

Over the last two years I have been trying to not only figure myself out, but also learn from the past. What can I take away from divorce and my situation to learn from as I rise from the ashes. Sure, I'm not perfect, I realize that. There are things that I could have done differently, as to if it would have made a difference, who knows. I have been, however, dissecting the many facets of who I was married to as a person. trying to peel the layers back, and look deeper into that person based on red flags, and research that I have been doing. I have been wrestling with the fact that the person that I was married to indeed is a Narcissist, not a full blown Narcissist, but certainly hitting multiple points. It's an interesting situation because the image that is painted or portrayed is of someone who is empathetic, and, as of now, immersed in the world of  self healing and helping others. At first glance one would think that narcissism is not the case, which is why I have been wrestling with this revelation, and the irony of the situation at hand.

If one does research on the internet you will be quick to find that there are a handful of reasons why one can be narcissistic. Now, everyone has narcissistic tendencies, however there are a handful of reasons that the person I was married to seems to hit.  The constant manipulation and twisting of conversations to her favor, after what I feel was me being gas lighted for the last few years of our marriage. The fact that she was never wrong, ever, and to this day still is not wrong if there is a disagreement. How about the fact that my anxiety is half of what it used to be when I was around her, most of her old long term friends have cut her off, as well as her burning bridges with most of her family for some wrong doing of theirs, never hers (Part of me wonders if her new boo is working the isolation angle as most of her relationships that have been burned or strained have been since he has come into the picture. ) over the years has been and continues to be  judgmental of other people to the point of ruining past friendships. She would get upset if I chose to not respond to her when I knew she was trying to bait me in an argument. That used to drive her nuts, and it still does to this day.  The list goes on, again not all points are hit, but there are plenty that she does hit. 

The weird thing is that all of this stuff never really hit me while I was in the marriage, I just knew something was wrong. It wasn't until we split, that I started paying attention to the other relationships that she was involved in and they were starting to fall apart. I began connecting what other people were saying to my own experiences. I have my own suspicions that she was cheating on me when we moved back to Maine, if not physically then certainly emotionally as she was very quick to move her interest into the house after I moved out. Yet another common trait found among people with narcissistic tendencies.  I have also heard they met at my current place of employment, and then both quit together to ultimately work for another employer together.  I'll never truly know. 
               
What I do find interesting is that through out the years a common conversation was about how her mother was very much the same way, and that she wanted to become nothing like her mother. This seemed to be a reoccurring conversation over the almost 15 years that we were together. It wasn't an every day conversation, but something that came up a few times a year. To hear members of the family mention in the past that she is headed in that direction makes me feel sad for her. So much time and effort over the years talking about what she didn't want to be, and she is headed down that same path. I find that to certainly be about as ironic as ironic gets. It's been interesting having these revelations, and it was certainly painful living in that situation during the last two years of my marriage. I knew that we were drifting apart, my anxiety was off the charts, she started spending more and more time involved with projects, or going to friends houses from morning until later in the evening while I was at home with our son. feeling like I had to walk on eggshells around her . It made it hard to exist. It certainly took a toll on my nerves and my mental health. To the point where it makes me hyper aware of things now and question the things that she does or her motive. on the Plus side, my anxiety is since under control, and the crashing waves of stress from the initial fall out of divorce has subsided. I'm starting to see things more clearly, and still getting used to my new routines, and new life that I have started forging for myself post divorce. I have a great support system. I wish I would have seen the signs, while I was in my marriage. I also failed to make the connection that the traits that haunted her from her mother may also lead into her behavior later down the road. 

if you find yourself living with a person who has Narcissistic tendencies or traits and are not sure where to look or what to do, I have provided a few links below. 

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder
How to deal with a Narcissist

The Art of Living

It's a shame when something amazing gets ruined. Especially when at your own hands. Hind sight is 20/20. She was right though. I let my insecurities from my previous marriage play a role in destroying us. We had a good thing, and I fucked it up. She was pretty, caring, had a fucking heart of gold. She would have done anything for me. She was so good with my son, and my son loves her to pieces. Her kids are great, I continue to be absolutely head over heels about them. She had the wildest eyes to stare into. Last night she came over with my things in a paper bag. I let them sit on the counter for a few minutes, and to tell you the truth I didn't want to open the bag. I wanted to ignore it. But I couldn't. I had a fear that everything that I gave her, or wrote her was going to be in there. Could I handle the rejection for a second time? 

There was a few items that were in there. My sons flannel shirt, socks, my sweatshirt - which still smelled like her. I couldn't help but smell that item of clothing. The smell of her and her house, and sage, brought back a flood of memories, and I broke down. I bawled like a baby for about 10 minutes in the living room. All of those memories, time at the beach, car rides, making love, great conversations, holidays, camping. It was a lot to handle. To be honest it hit me harder than getting divorced. The thing about divorce is that I was distraught about getting kicked out, and losing time with my son. knowing that my time with my son was cut in half, and coming home to an empty house on the nights were killer. Silence was deafening. With Esther it was different. We had a real connection. There was substance. The last few months I found myself creeping back into my own head which made it hard to express things  (If I love someone, how why do I have a hard time verbalizing  it?) My head is my worst enemy. She asked for help and I panicked. I didn't know what I could do.... I never asked her what I could do. If only I would have asked her what I can do to help her. How could I be so blinded in my own head and stupid. 

I went back to that paper bag and found a book that was tucked neatly at the bottom of the bag. The Art of Living- the classical manual on virtue, Happiness, and Effectiveness. She hit the damned nail on the head with that one. As much as it hurt to read those words, I knew that it was coming from a good place from her. She wants me to be happy, control what I can control, and to not worry about the rest. The book is based on Epictetus's writings. He was a philosopher who was born a slave. Once he was free (and eventually exiled) he devoted much of his life to  studying what makes a person happy and gives them a meaningful life. She had apparently already read the book as there were notes scrawled on the pages and passages underlined. The Ironic thing to this arriving in that paper bag is that last week I was thinking about ordering some sort of self help books. Ahead of the curve, She is continuing to help, even though she has departed. That speaks to her compassionate nature. Under that shell is a kind, loving person.  I get why she did. She needs to be stable, not only for her, but for her boys. 

I need to be strong. I needed to be strong for her. Now I see her walking the opposite direction instead of us walking together. I started reading that book last night. As much heart ache that I have, I look at this as my time to rise. Become a stronger person, or at least get back to where I was. I feel like I used to be a strong person, but was just kicked and beaten down emotionally over the last five years. I want to be a strong person again, for me, for Orion, for my family........ you fight for the things you love, and this is something I need to fight for.