Hard Conversations were had today

I had been thinking most of the night last night about the events that unfolded yesterday and the conversations that were had. I replayed sequence of you saying "I don't hate you, I hate what happened..." and then getting in the van and driving away in my head,  maybe a 100 times. I eventually fell asleep and woke up early. I was in the need of something uplifting, so, we got ready for church and ran into an old friend and had some good conversation before coming back home. 

Continuing with the uplifting theme, I purchased last minute tickets to the Elton John Tribute show "Yellow brick road" that was playing at the waldo theatre, and hit the road for the show. Killer show. Played pretty much every hit you would want to hear from Elton. On the way down, of course, my mind was wandering in and out of thoughts from yesterday again. I thought I was going to shake it once we got to the show.  However, the universe, or divine intervention, or SOMETHING, had a different idea of what was going to happen. The show started, and it was like the universe was sending messages to me. It seemed as if these Elton songs were talking directly to me, as if he wrote every single hit song about what was going on in my life at this exact moment. Telling me what I need to do, and it was very loud, and very clear. A few times during the show I felt myself tearing up. Quite the emotional experience. Over all the show was great, and Orion really seemed to enjoy it as well. 

When we got home, know that I was going to be dropping Orion off at his moms shortly, I messaged her and let her know that we needed to talk. I know that in order to move on processing certain traumas that I need to officially lay this old tired divorce to bed so shrouded the true intention of the conversation with this. She came out to talk when I pulled up. Now she is the type of person that needs to be stroked so I went into the conversation letting her know that I can accept the divorce and that I forgive her for the divorce, not really for her but so that I can move on. I let her know that the divorce was easy for her because she was from the area and has friends and the ability to be social and that she left me totally isolated. she tried to break into a sob story about how she doesn't have anyone and I told her that I don't feel bad, she made her bed, time to lay in it. 

I then went into that during my isolation A family had taken me in and that this family over the course of the last 5 years were now MY family. I told her that I had to watch my family drive away yesterday and that a major reason for them driving away was because of the massive wedge that she put in between me and the one that I love. I proceeded to tell her that I am no longer allowing her to scare or lure me into making irrational decisions by dangling time with my son in my face. That she ruined my family once and I am not going to let her ruin my family again, and I am done playing games. If that means that you want to end up in court then by all means I will meet you there. I am done and no longer scared of her. That I will do what I need to do to protect my family moving forward. This segued into letting her know that I will be having a conversation with her in the near future about new boundaries that will be laid down and a potential change in time with Orion, possibly one week on and one week off.

i'm so over her bullshit and effect that it has had. Fuck around and find out. 

Surprisingly, this conversation came to me very easily and with a calming effect for me instead of the usual anxiety ridden mess that my conversations with her tend to be. I got back in the car feeling really good that I was able to lay it down, and that she was crying on the way into the house. I think all this crying the last few weeks and watching you drive away has finally cleared the last of my hazy brain of mine. Everything seems clear. I'm looking forward to my next session with the therapist.

Soar

Today

I threw my hands in the air,

and, I let you go,

so you can fly. 

The world is cruel,

but my love is not. 

I will miss you.

Soar. 

Bean

Something I wrote a back around mid October. You'd be arriving in two more months. I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I'm not well. Maybe you could be with me, just for a little while. 

I never thought I would be in a position in my life where I would be writing a letter to my unborn child. I know you were only a few weeks old, but I believe life starts at conception. You were only the size of a bean, but you were on your way to becoming a major part of my life in just a few short months. I won't have that chance to meet you.

    I said I believe life starts at conception, but I also believe the unborn choose who they want to be with. I take comfort in the fact you know who I am. I'm your father. Although I was not planning on having you , you chose us. I'd be lying if I would say I wasn't scared. I was, but I knew that I would have made it work I would have found a way to be a good father to you. I always wanted a daughter. I'm not sure if that's what you would have been been, but I can imagine.

    You were created out of love. Your Mother is very beautiful and I have no doubt you would have followed in her footsteps. You would have had 3 brothers. All different in their own right, but full of love. They would have done a wonderful job of protecting and looking out for you. you would have been surrounded by love and you would have provided the same to us. I've spent the last few weeks wondering what you would have looked like. What your interests would have been, what and or who you would have turned out to be. I didn't get a chance to meet you, but I love you. I love you because you are a part of me and because I love your mother. Even though you were to small to have a heartbeat, your heart would have been big and you would have been able to love deeply. 

I am saddened that I won't get to rock you, or have late nights with you, or see your first toothless smile and all of the other things that I would have loved to experience with you. I won't forget you. Weird to verbalize since I never met you, I'm sure you understand what I mean. I hope to meet you some day, maybe when the time comes for me to pass. I know your mom won't forget you either. Thank you for bringing us closer together & please look after her and your brothers. They would have loved  you. Say hello to Leigh , Doris, and Normand for me. You would have been my little princess. 

Your name would have been Lane Leigh Dionne. 

Love,

Dad

A Lesson in Perception

An interesting thing about life is that any specific scenario that is to play out when looked at through the lens by different people can be perceived a totally different way. A lesson that I am learning at the moment. Sometimes actions, though backed by good intentions, can be perceived a totally different way than I am seeing them. Is anyone's perception incorrect? Are they wrong for feeling the way they do about the scenario that is unfolding? One side of the fence sees the scenario playing out because of love and not wanting any more hurt to come to them. The other side sees them being abandoned, and the feeling they were never loved. This of course hurts to hear, but I can't change their perception, and that is their reality of the situation. one scenario, and two different realities that come with it.......

"There are always two people in every picture: the photographer and the viewer."

            - Ansel Adams 

Looking from the outside In

 I like walking around the city at night in the winter time. Aside from the exercise it's nice to strap on a set of headphones and bomb around the streets in the dark. I've always liked walking when it's dark. It's peaceful, you can clear your head or get things sorted out. I've figured out many of my life's problems while on walks. The other thing that I do enjoy about it, especially in the winter time, are the small glimpses of other peoples lives that you see while walking by houses or apartments. You get to see just a glimpse of where people are at in their lives. Some are sitting and eating dinner with their family, others are watching television, working on art projects, taking a break from doing dishes to give their significant other a hug, while some folks are sitting at their tables working on paperwork or playing cards. With the amount of time that I have spent at the apartment in the last 12 months, it's nice to see these simple, yet wonderful human actions while I am walking by. It was especially nice, however, equally depressing during the holiday season. It was nice to see the family's in their homes, talking, or sharing laughs and drinks. Yet I found myself at times missing my family. the street lights are nice, and some of the folks still have their Christmas lights up, although it's getting fewer and fewer. The glow of the lights was a nice touch, even the folks that are growing pot plants in their windows under black lights. It's nice reminder that there is calm in the world and that people are still human, and even though a lot of folks are quarantining, they are still making connections with their loved ones. Maybe it's just because I want a family. 

The time spent this past week helping out has been a nice reminder of that. I miss the interaction with everyone. The laughs, and excitement, and snuggles. It's nice to know that we are working on things, it's nice  to have open and deep discussion about what we are and where we are going. Of course I realize there are some things that I need to focus on to make me a better partner. 

1. Communicating effectively

2. providing a safe environment 

3. be aware

These need to happen.

Being Erased

 The wounds are starting to heal today, although they remain tender. The band aid that was placed over the wound was ripped off yesterday in an ugly release that had been building up for a while. It was exhausting. The feeling of rejection and being erased was more than I could bare, but something that I needed to see, and feel for the point to be made and really driven home. It hurt, and It was exhausting.  You got to see a side of me last night that very few people in my life have seen. Even though both of us are hurting right now, and even though I felt like I was breaking, and being torn in half in an emotional agony you stayed by my side to help me work through it, you stayed tender & showed me comfort that no other partner has shown me. You never cease to amaze me the ability for you to show love and empathy for those that you truly care about. You have a wonderful soul, and I'm blessed to have you ,at the very least, for now,  a friend in my life. 

Personal goals for 2021

Hitting the reset button the last few weeks has been nice to say the least. the feeling of exhaustion has dissipated. I have had a chance to have some real quality one on one time with my son, and I have made it a point to get outside and go for long walks around town at night. Just me, my headphones, and the cold, dark, crisp winter nights that come with living in Maine. It's been refreshing, and has given me a chance to get some perspective on where I am headed on my soul journey. It's given me a chance to dissect and reflect on the relationships with people whom I love, and lastly it's given me the reset I need to feel a bit more vibrant than I am usually during this time of year. The SAD light coupled with the extra vitamin D that I have been taking may also be aiding in that struggle as well. 

The reflection on myself has been an interesting one thus far. To look back on the last three years and realize how much of an utter train wreck that I was is rather scary to think about. I'd like to think of the progress that I have made instead. The miles that I have traveled to accomplish this was no small feat, and the tears were plenty. The important thing is that I no longer feel black on the inside (yes, I do realize I am not going through a low as I write this, but nor am I manic high.)  The light is getting brighter, and instead of a constant destructive emotional storm, the landscape is starting to become serene. Partly cloudy skies, sunbeams kissing the landscape with a gentle warm breeze rolling across the harbor, with the sounds of laughter from the little eyes that are happy to have his Daddy back.  Of course, there are always things that need to be worked on. Like an old farm house that always has something needing to be done. Maintenance will continue.

Communication is one of those Items that I have struggled with all my life. Music was my escape as a kid. Always donning headphones so I wouldn't have to communicate with classmates that I loathed. Unfortunately, I feel as though because of that escape, coupled with wanting to withdraw due to depression, I stifled my learning of the ability to communicate effectively.  The Ironic part being that I am a communications major who facilitates corporate training classes who has a hard time communicating in my personal life. The thing that really bothers me about it, is that my inability to communicate effectively has hurt people that I love. This in turn hurts others as well as myself. This is something that I am going to have to continue to work on. It will be hard for me, but it needs to be done. The funny thing is since I have really been thinking about that and letting it sink in I have had a few scenarios where I needed to have discussions with family. These conversations where not easy, but they were accomplished. So this CAN be done.  

In other news I need to better regulate my depression & anxiety better. I have been on my current medication long enough where I now have a much better understanding on how it actually effects me. I have contacted my doctor to try to alter the medications that I am on. I find that they work most of the time, however, I find they tend to make me a bit agitated, because of this I find that I can become snappy, or I am more apt to just reprimand, versus reprimand and then educate my son when he does something wrong. This is not fair to him. I know this doesn't help my relationship with him, especially where he is wired to have big feelings. I want to be a father, not a dad. This is not to say that we have a bad relationship, we have an excellent relationship, I just want to become a better leader and mentor for him. 

I have (as well as others close to me) have noticed that behavioral issues have started to emerge with with my little eyes. Nothing major, but issues with not being kind, being sneaky, and lack of respect towards certain people. He has also verbalized that he is having a hard time with the divorce. Because of this, his mom and I have decided it would be a good idea to get him into counseling  to help sort out feelings, and has someone else to talk to besides me and his mom. Better to curb that behavior now than have it continue and explode into something uncontrollable when he is a teenager. I'm hoping for the best. I never went through the situation that he is in, so I can only imagine how confusing it can be. 

My Goals for 2021:

Communication

Managing my depression / anxiety better

Being more patient with my son

Help my son deal with the emotional aftermath of the divorce

Be more active