Personal goals for 2021

Hitting the reset button the last few weeks has been nice to say the least. the feeling of exhaustion has dissipated. I have had a chance to have some real quality one on one time with my son, and I have made it a point to get outside and go for long walks around town at night. Just me, my headphones, and the cold, dark, crisp winter nights that come with living in Maine. It's been refreshing, and has given me a chance to get some perspective on where I am headed on my soul journey. It's given me a chance to dissect and reflect on the relationships with people whom I love, and lastly it's given me the reset I need to feel a bit more vibrant than I am usually during this time of year. The SAD light coupled with the extra vitamin D that I have been taking may also be aiding in that struggle as well. 

The reflection on myself has been an interesting one thus far. To look back on the last three years and realize how much of an utter train wreck that I was is rather scary to think about. I'd like to think of the progress that I have made instead. The miles that I have traveled to accomplish this was no small feat, and the tears were plenty. The important thing is that I no longer feel black on the inside (yes, I do realize I am not going through a low as I write this, but nor am I manic high.)  The light is getting brighter, and instead of a constant destructive emotional storm, the landscape is starting to become serene. Partly cloudy skies, sunbeams kissing the landscape with a gentle warm breeze rolling across the harbor, with the sounds of laughter from the little eyes that are happy to have his Daddy back.  Of course, there are always things that need to be worked on. Like an old farm house that always has something needing to be done. Maintenance will continue.

Communication is one of those Items that I have struggled with all my life. Music was my escape as a kid. Always donning headphones so I wouldn't have to communicate with classmates that I loathed. Unfortunately, I feel as though because of that escape, coupled with wanting to withdraw due to depression, I stifled my learning of the ability to communicate effectively.  The Ironic part being that I am a communications major who facilitates corporate training classes who has a hard time communicating in my personal life. The thing that really bothers me about it, is that my inability to communicate effectively has hurt people that I love. This in turn hurts others as well as myself. This is something that I am going to have to continue to work on. It will be hard for me, but it needs to be done. The funny thing is since I have really been thinking about that and letting it sink in I have had a few scenarios where I needed to have discussions with family. These conversations where not easy, but they were accomplished. So this CAN be done.  

In other news I need to better regulate my depression & anxiety better. I have been on my current medication long enough where I now have a much better understanding on how it actually effects me. I have contacted my doctor to try to alter the medications that I am on. I find that they work most of the time, however, I find they tend to make me a bit agitated, because of this I find that I can become snappy, or I am more apt to just reprimand, versus reprimand and then educate my son when he does something wrong. This is not fair to him. I know this doesn't help my relationship with him, especially where he is wired to have big feelings. I want to be a father, not a dad. This is not to say that we have a bad relationship, we have an excellent relationship, I just want to become a better leader and mentor for him. 

I have (as well as others close to me) have noticed that behavioral issues have started to emerge with with my little eyes. Nothing major, but issues with not being kind, being sneaky, and lack of respect towards certain people. He has also verbalized that he is having a hard time with the divorce. Because of this, his mom and I have decided it would be a good idea to get him into counseling  to help sort out feelings, and has someone else to talk to besides me and his mom. Better to curb that behavior now than have it continue and explode into something uncontrollable when he is a teenager. I'm hoping for the best. I never went through the situation that he is in, so I can only imagine how confusing it can be. 

My Goals for 2021:

Communication

Managing my depression / anxiety better

Being more patient with my son

Help my son deal with the emotional aftermath of the divorce

Be more active

I'm Good.

Living with depression is something that I have grown accustom to. I have dealt with it on and off through out the course of my life. It was something I was always aware of growing up. I saw my mother deal with it while I was entering my teenage years. My maternal grandfather has anxiety issues, and my paternal grandfather was a manic depressive. I almost missed one of my good friends weddings when I was in my early twenties because of it.  It manifests itself in different forms, sometimes Anxiety, sometimes a dark hole consumes me and I struggle to climb my way back out. It's always the same pattern. Climb out of my hole and ascend to a manic high, then crash within a day or two and enter a world of shadows and cold even though the sun is shinning, this might last a day or a few weeks.
       Most of the time I am able to mask or hide from most of the world what is going on, I can get by with a simple one liner..."I'm good or I'm fine." My girlfriend seems to always know when I am not feeling well. There have also been times when my son has asked me if was okay. He's seven, but he's not stupid. He knows when I am not feeling well. The worst feeling in the world is knowing you are not okay, and having to answer that question that you are fine to your son. He knows I'm sad, but it's not a world that he needs to know anything about right now. I'm afraid it will be a part of his life.

The worst part about it are the games that it plays with your head. It's something that I struggle with. Even on medication  The ways depression effects me.

• Tells me I'm a bad Father
• Tells me I'm a bad partner
• Tells me I'm horrible at my job
• Tells me I'll never be able to afford a life
• Mental pain
• Physical pain
• Feelings of emptiness or despair
• Disconnected (thousand yard stare)
• Intrusive images
• Agitation
• Lower sex drive
• Guilt about my son having to bounce between two houses
• Crying at random
• Isolation / Withdrawing 
• Hard time concentrating

But I trudge through it day by day. Some days are better than others. I mention these things because it's a way for me to process and finally put out into the open and visualize how this effects me. Maybe someone else will see this and realize they are not alone. There is a big stigma with mental health in our country, especially with the male population. We shouldn't be embarrassed, we shouldn't  feel like we need to default to "I'm fine." We should hold each other accountable and have that discussion, as hard as it may be. Those discussions can make a difference, especially when you have little ones watching you.

A winter wonderland

Well, there it is. Mid-coast Maine has officially been transformed into a chilly, blustery winter wonderland. Storm came through yesterday afternoon, and brought plenty of freezing rain. It seemed to continue through the night, and then the wind came. woke up this morning to a comfortable 19 degrees with about twenty mile per hour winds blowing over the harbor into town. Certainly a way to wake up, especially having to help Lou with changing her tire out in it. Brisk!

I had a better day yesterday when I got home from work than the previous day. This let me focus on unpacking more boxes and installing shelving units in Orion's bedroom. The new place is coming together nicely. Most of the evening was spent however listening to J. Mascis records, reading the book that Esther had given me. While reading the passages in the book she had given me, I noticed there are handful of things that I have heard while growing up. I find that interesting. I look forward to continuing through the book. I have been highlighting passages that I happen to like.  

I  I had chatted a bit with Esther yesterday through messaging each other. I had let her know when she is ready I had something I wanted her to read ( The items in a paper bag.) I wasn't expecting to have her read it for a few weeks, however she sent me a message last night that she wanted to read it. I got the impression she didn't want to read it. Although she did say it was good. I have always been honest with Esther, and what was in that is straight how I feel through and through from the bottom on my heart.  It's hard.  I haven't taken any pictures down yet because I don't want to tell Orion. He will be crushed if I tell him. So i'm leaving everything up as if nothing has changed. 

It was still cold at lunch time today, but I felt it necessary to make my way down the walking path around the call center into harbor park. The wind was frigid, but the sun felt nice. Especially on my face once I looped around to the board walk and the landscape blocked the wind. The crisp air was nice to breath in. I felt refreshed if only for a brief few minutes before I went back into the building. I'm trying to find joy in the little things in life. Especially since we are going to be snowed in for the next few months. 

New place, more of the same

I finally made it in. Mostly set up and in a place where my son has his own space now. it's nice to be able to put him to bed in his own room now, it's nice knowing that he has a place to go to, to call his own. The over all area, I feel is better. the yard is much bigger, there is a playground next door for him to go to, the street is quiet yet we are right in the middle of town. He has the space to have his friends over if he chooses. Even though he misses the other apartment, he'll come to appreciate this place. It was a long weekend, and the last few days have been long between work, meeting with folks for utilities, parent teacher conferences, and trying to unpack and get his space situated and set up. I am however making progress.

I am now almost thirty days into my first round of prescription for depression. I'm not really sure how I feel, there still seems to be days that are okay, and days that are not so good. I don't know if it's because of the stress of the moving situation or what. I guess more time will tell. so far, no major adverse effects. The time change has been messing with me this week, and it's rather depressing to get out of work and have it be dark. This is only the beginning, at this rate it is going to be a long winter. Better brace yourself, because it's coming like a freight train off it's tracks and when it hits it's not going to be pretty.

 I'm tired of feeling this way. I can't shake the horrible feeling of not having a support system up in the immediate area. the feeling of being alone is overwhelming at times. knowing that my house can be so full of joy with Orion here, and then a few minutes later it's completely quiet and empty when he goes back with his mother. It's a pain my heart will never quite get over.

A Side Effect

Getting help for depression can be a ironic thing at times. We preach talking about mental health, and mental health awareness now in this world like it is going out of style. Which, I am happy for. Open lines of communication is a great thing, to vent , explore ideas about yourself, and to help offer support to others that may need it. There are new breakthroughs every day in medicines that people need to navigate their way through in order to try to help themselves. 

Try this, try that, why don't you add this other drug to what you're currently taking. No drug out there comes without it's side effects, and anyone who has been on any sort of SSRI knows that already. The side effects can range from being drowsy, to feeling like a robot, to becoming suicidal, or maybe more suicidal that you already were. I find that to be rather Ironic. The thing that you are taking to try to make yourself well ultimately could aid in killing you. 

I bring this up because tomorrow I will start taking SSRIs again to help with depression. This is not the first time that I have been on them. I recognize that I have been heading down a dark path, and I'm at the point where I'm tired of dealing with it. feeling like shit all the time. I find that I've been depressed for so long that it's all that I know. The sick thing is I know that I will miss the feeling of not being depressed.  Maybe Kurt Cobain was on to something when he uttered the words "I miss the comfort in being sad." 

so I go into tomorrow with a positive attitude that things will work. maybe I'll get lucky and this will be the only drug that I have to take. Maybe this will be the one that works for me the first time OR Maybe I'll go crazy....

What depression really looks like:

You might kill yourself if you don't take them, and you might kill yourself if you do take them.....