Tuesday, April 25, 2023

A letter to him

 I feel compelled to write this, because there are some things that I want to say, that, well, it would be crossing a boundary if I got ahold of you to tell you in person. So, I'll write a letter that you'll never see so at least I can get what I need to say off my chest and out in the open. If I don't say what I need to I'm going to hold on to it, and it's going to become bitterness. Better, not bitter.


To Him,

I've known you for six years now. You're someone that I look to for support, and someone that always supported me while at work. When I met you I was in seriously bad shape. Freshly kicked out of my house, starting a new job at the company and barely able to make it through the daily grind. Someone that I could laugh with, and joke with and gave me  just enough hope get to the next day. I didn't know it yet, but I was about to meet someone that was about to change my life. Someone that over the next 5 years I would come to love, and know on an extremely intimate level. Someone who quite literally may have saved my life on a few occasions. I didn't know it yet, but you guys had a history. Which ceased to be once I came around. 

She was struggling herself, single  mother with 2 toddlers, and she had her own traumas and wounds to tend to, and she opened her home to me so that I didn't have to be alone. A place to go to, quite literally stare at the wall for hours on end. Our relationship started to continue on, and I established a relationship with her boys, and an absolutely special bond with one of them, and a relationship with her family. she got to know my family as well (albeit it long distance for the most part.) We held hands and walked each other through the divorce process that each of us were going through and what started out as a relationship of support blossomed into love. We had our ups and downs and our share of struggles. some due to outside forces and some due to me being frozen in coping mode and really only being able to see through the tunnel. I know that I was far from a perfect boyfriend, but What I did and do continue to have is love for her and her two boys. Over those years they became my family, to the point where we all lived together. I was the boys dad, a damn good dad, and she is my person.

My family has been through a lot, and I know that some of that is most certainly on me. However, we have a life time of experiences that we achieved and have been through in that five year period. Yes there has been hurt. We could have handled things better in the moment. I could have done things differently, she could have done some things differently. Point is, both of us have a lot of baggage and this was our first time trying to blend a family together post divorce. We didn't really know what we were doing. It's a learn as you go, in this case, with some things, realizing what we should have done. Hindsight twenty-twenty.  

The biggest mistake of my life was letting them walk out of my house. Our relationship was on and off for the next year, well ,you obviously know the story. well.........., not fully. What you haven't learned yet is, is that we created a life, a life out of love. although not planned, she was carrying my child for a short amount of time, she was the size of a pea, and we lost her. She wanted to carry my babies. Even though I  was scared, I didn't panic. I told her we would figure it out, I went with her to her ultrasound, held her hand, I made sure that she wasn't alone. If that baby had come around, I would have been a wonderful father to her. This was hard for the both of us. The last few months her and I were still in contact but contact was limited because I knew she was upset about the situation at basketball. The look that she gave me was that I was to go to hell, and not contact them again. I shouldn't have listened,  I should have patched things up a few days after that instead of letting it drag out. I did A LOT of thinking and realized that I can't lose her and the boys. I was hoping to patch things up with her so that we could continue our relationship, and fix issues. We could have made this work especially after her and I have realized things that we could have done, that we didn't think about at the time. We no longer have that chance.

I missed the boys terribly and I finally reached out for a real conversation to see how they were doing. We had some really good conversations, her and I, solid heart talks. full of emotions and ugly crying . I thought we were making some progress. That's when I find out that you had come back out of the jungle like a lion licking his lips ready to pounce. I'm sure that you had been waiting five years to do that. What I have a hard time with is that you know our history's. You know we both rebuilt each other up from the ashes of divorce and tended to each others wounds, both of us had already lost family's and you came in when we were in a low and roped her in. I'm sure it didn't cross your mind as to what it would do to me to have my second family fall apart completely.....pretty slimy. Now I have to watch you take my family  away from me and of course I need to pretend it's okay every day when we work together. 

I know she is looking for some comfort right now. You are her feel good option for the moment, but you're not her soul mate. although you have a history, from how I see it, your history has been playing the part of the person she goes back to when she's in-between relationships. I get where she is coming from with that, cause I would love to have someone like that during these times too. However,  I heard all sorts of reasons why you weren't good for her and why she never really dated you to begin with. I did the right thing though, I was the bigger man and reached out to you to let you know that I adore her and she deserves to be happy and that there was no hard feelings. truth is, that is the  hardest thing that I have done in a while. That took a lot for me to do that, but it bothers me, clearly.

 I'm giving her the space that she needs and I'm working on myself at the moment, mental & physical training,  but, under this fire and determination that is raging in me right now I'm still hoping that she is enjoying herself, taking the time to decompress, doing some soul searching to realize that we really have something, we have way to many memories (both good and bad) and a special connection  that is not worth throwing away before all options are explored(at least I don't, maybe she sees it that way,) and that I am what the boys need in their life... I hope she realizes these things and comes back......

 I realize that you probably felt the same way when I started dating her. It must have been hard to have some new guy come in and date her, I can understand that. The difference between the situations is that you didn't know me then, we weren't friends at that point. But now that I think of it, were we ever really friends, or were you just being nice to me out of respect for her? Either way that was a knife in the back of someone that you, at the very least, had a extremely good working relationship with and say that you have the utmost respect for....

 You had your opportunities to win her over a few times before I came into the picture, why didn't you do it then? Why are you doing it now? why did you just wait in the shadows for five years? why am I in a position where I can't try to make my family whole again? You could turn those questions around on me, I realize that, however, I have been trying to do these things for the last five years. Everyone heals at their own pace from a traumatic event like divorce, let's toss in covid isolation, trying to merge 5 people  into a house for the first time, passing of many loved ones in my life, my house flooding, losing a child , and almost losing my brother in law last year...... and I was not awake. I am now, I hate that it's taken this for it to get rid of the remaining fog. That wasn't fair to her. But you know what? there's no timeline for that kind of trauma, and  I can't lose another family. I can't watch you come in a wisk them away. because of that I can't see the boys because it will tear me apart every time I go to pick them up & drop them off. They already have a undependable father, and now their dad can't see them..... I miss her and my boys terribly. They need to come home. This is their home. Congratulations, you now have the girl, the big promotion and from what you told me last year, are probably buying a house this year. checkmate, you win. Don't worry though, I'll smile and keep giving you that enthusiastic greeting when I see you at work.... Good talk.

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