The Chains

"I wear the chains I forged in life........"
-Jacob Marley

The last week has been spent putting things into perspectives. There has been a lot of emotional ups and downs. I continue to read the art of living, and have been watching certain TED talks in order to try to find some insight as to what chains have been holding me back with the divorce. This was all started by the conversations and events with Esther over the last week. I am coming up on the two year anniversary of leaving the house and moving into my own place. When I first moved into my own place, I was hit with the trauma of my life getting ripped away, instantly losing fifty percent of my time with my son, and trying to figure out how I am going to survive in an area that does not offer hope to a lot of people. Trying to cope with those three things was incredibly painful, proving to be the darkest time of my life. For me breaking ties with the ex was not nearly as painful. Looking back on it, and I've said it before, my marriage was dead before we moved back to Maine. I should have seen the red flags.  Safe to say that I am ninety percent over the divorce. They say time heals everything so, what has been holding me back? 

Since I have been in my own place, I have found it hard to accept the fact that I once had the American dream, the house, the eight foot privacy fence, the dogs, a 401k and was living a comfortable life. I am now not. I now have no place to call my own, sure I am renting. I accomplished my goal of obtaining a two bedroom apartment finally. It's not the same as home ownership. I am also now living paycheck to paycheck with a professional job like so many other people in the country. I have been getting caught up in the "I used to haves"and it's preventing me from moving forward one hundred percent. Couple that with a brain that is hardwired to worry, overthink everything, and bring me into a tailspin of swirling anxiety and depression. I cannot truly be happy or continue to move forward if I am caught up in the "I used to haves" because it is taking me out of enjoying the moment and continuing to push forward.

 It is also not fair to my partners in my current relationships because they want me walking beside them and not 20 feet behind them dragging this chain of "I used to have this, I used to have that." Can one really plan for the future with someone if you are dragging the chains of the past with you? No, you can't. I see the pain and discourse that It has brought, and it is something that I need to just accept and move on. 

By doing this I will be able to focus my energy, on planning the next steps. Things happen in our life for a reason. As shitty of a situation the divorce was, this has, over the last two years give me a chance to really reflect who I am as a person, learn what my values really are and start fresh in an area, although tough to make a living, is an absolutely gorgeous breathtaking area. For the last six months I have been dragging the final chain with me, and it really wasn't until this week that I was able to piece everything together as to what that weight was. The ocean is one of my my favorite things in life, and has always been a place of refuge for me. A place of healing.. This is a rebirth, a seaside rebirth.