Emotionally exhausted

The last two days have been so emotionally exhausting. A huge chunk of the day yesterday was debriefing everything that has been going on, just to find out that you're already dating someone. I was so angry when I found out. fuming. I went from being sad about the situation to steaming. It took all I had to compose myself to force out the simple phrase "I'm happy that you're happy."  I was just 100% gutted. 

I didn't sleep last night. I tossed and turned, replayed scenarios in my head. What would have happened if I had done this, what would have happened if we had done that. Why didn't we go to therapy. We put the kids in, but didn't go ourselves. why didn't we start therapy before you guys moved in so that we could have had a smooth transition. The hours ticked by. Anger came back, followed by sadness and burning, cramping, nausea in my stomach. Knowing that you were coming over to get your stuff today, I thought about getting up, around 3:30am or so to start bringing all your stuff out of the attic into the garage. I decided not to, and to try to get some sleep. more tossing and turning took place. 

I finally did get out of bed around 6:45. I made coffee, and started taking your stuff out of the attic. I was so sad. That pain in my stomach was still there. My plan was to sit out in the backyard while you loaded your car. I decided to move to the stairs, with no intention of talking to you because the anger started coming back to me. I was able to shake off the anger and composed myself and made my way to you while you were loading the car. I'm glad I did because, because after the awkward small talk I got to debrief with you again. Another emotional breakdown ensued. It was good to chat with you, and I was proud of myself for asking if you settled for this guy or not. I know there is a history, but that's the feeling that I have about it. I don't know what hurts more, losing you as a lover or losing my best friend. 6 months is going to be a long time to see if we can be friends. God I hope you tell me you made a mistake. I need to focus on fixing myself and really doing the hard work. It was so apparent today that the connection is still there. we were so open and raw with each other. 

Once you left I decided to head out of the house. we took sausage down to the ocean for a bit and threw rocks into the ocean. tried to enjoy the weather and have some fun with the little guy. Played basketball for a bit.  I had the urge to message your new lover as I have a good working relationship with him and told him that you deserve to be happy and no hard feelings. it was so hard for me to do that, but i felt like it needed to be done. 

I had a big conversation tonight with Orion. that Daddy cannot live alone for the next 30 years and how incredibly lonely I am up here, and isolated , and I was so happy to have a family and how much I loved the five of us and because of his mothers interference I lost my family. I told him that it's important that when you love someone to never let anyone take that away from you, ever. I told him at some point down the road, hopefully I will have a family again in this house and  he needs to be okay with sharing me, and that he will never be forgotten, and that he doesn't have to fight for time with dad, there is enough of me to go around.

For the few views per entry that I get on this blog, I would absolutely love to think that you are one of the ones who consistently read.  I want you back, I should have told you to come home that day...... we should have gone to family therapy, even if we started  just a few months ago. We owed it to ourselves. I feel like we each worked on ourselves over the last 5 years, but we didn't bring in the outside tools to help us reinforce our relationship from the forces of evil. That deep soul level connection that we have deserved it and that's not fair to US that we didn't explore that path at the very least.