Being Thankful

Thanksgiving is always a time of reflection. A time to put things into perspective again after a crazy year of my anxiety and head telling me different things. Always doubting myself as a person, as a father, as a partner. I am my own worst enemy. This week, however, has been good for my mental health. Esther and I have had some long talks, and we are back together. We have a great thing, and the kids love each other and missed each other terribly on our few week hiatus. On The break I was able to put everything into perspective. The positives and the things I need to work on.  It made me realize the amount of love that I have for her, and really appreciate what I have with her, the connection that we have and the vast amount that both her and I have accomplished together on a personal level as well as a couple.

Work has been both low key, and easy going this week. I have one student that I am putting through the class, and it's a Webex scenario as they are in Lawrence Kansas. Wednesday night was spent over at Esthers house. I'll admit, it was nice to wake up in a house hold on Thanksgiving morning and be surrounded by people that I love and consider my family. By request I made an apple pie with Owen that morning before come back to my apartment to start cooking. Orion spent the first part of the day with his mom, and then came over in the afternoon. I planned on dinner for night time. At some point in the early afternoon Esther and the boys came over to the apartment. We hung out for the afternoon and spent time talking, watching the boys play and prepping for dinner. It brought joy to my heart to be able to share that day with everyone.

The one thing that I have been struggling with for the last year is being caught up on the "I used to haves." Coming out of a divorce and having had the piece of the American dream, my own little kingdom to putter in, or do projects in, and to have that taken away. The course of events that have taken place over the last few weeks, coupled with reflecting on where I am and what I actually have. I have come to realize that I have everything that I need right now. I have a roof over my head, I have a decent and steady job. I have a loving girlfriend that not only sees me as her family, but accepts my son as her own. I live in a gorgeous area (even though hard to make a living.) I have my health, I still have my parents and sister. I'm lucky enough to be almost thirty-eight years old and still have both my maternal grandparents and my paternal memere.  I have quiet Saturday mornings of music, and watching my son find joy in little things like breakfast burritos, youtube, and Iggypop.  when you look at life through that filter, life doesn't seem so terrible after all.

I know that I will always battle with what goes through my head, self doubts, anxiety, depression. That just means I need to thoroughly enjoy these moment even more when I am not in that mental state. I do feel as though my medication has been starting to kick in as I have noticed my last few weeks over all have been better. Sure, I was crushed when we took our break, and I had to process through that information. The face of the demon that is depression hasn't shown it's face as of recent. For that I am thankful.