The Arbiter.

The ongoing process of self healing and becoming a better person post divorce always seems to have me thinking. Over the last few months, a reoccurring thought has kept coming back to me in regards to the the Music scene and the impact that It had on shaping who I was through my twenties and into my early thirties. I initially got into the local hardcore and punk scene as a form of release and therapy during a time in my life where I did not really fit in. Of course I am referencing high school. Trying to find out who you are, trying to find the place the world where you fit. I was bit by the music bug. I was at the point where nothing that I was hearing on the radio really spoke to me, or I was able to see through the commercial garbage that it was. Once I found the hardcore and punk scene it was easy for me to know where my time was going to be invested over the course of the next two decades.

I attended every show that I could, weather that be in state, or out of state. I made friends. I supported their bands, I was blown away at the fact that I could have a release, an outlet of all the angst and rage that I had inside of me through music, or moshing, stage diving etc. We hit all the shows in state, and whatever shows we could out of state. I was in a band, I wrote a fanzine and I tried to give as much back to the music scene as it gave to me. At the end of the day we were a bunch outcasts, listening to outcast music. Although rather violent in nature, I often took it to be a positive thing. A positive outlet and channel for everything that I felt and was going through in life. Not that I came from a broken home or a bad environment, but mental illness and the every day pressures of life made a confusing world that much more confusing. Finally, it gave me something to believe in.

I find that it reached a point though where it started to become a negative thing. Looking back on it , it was probably the people that I surrounded myself with, and the fact that much of the music is negative. The further I got into the music scene, the more that it started to consume me. I found that I started to turn into someone that I was not. There was a lot of hard posturing, and a lot of negative talk. A lot of shit talking. The values that drew me to the music in the first place had started to become diluted  and dissipated over time. Not that I had turned into a complete asshole, but I became very narrow sighted, and certainly highly judgmental during my time in that particular scene. I had lost sight of why I became part of this in the first place.  It provided me a place to fit in when I didn't have a place to fit in to begin with. Why was I then denying or making it hard for new kids to appreciate the same feeling that I had. Why was I looking down on them as a lesser of a person because they didn't fit my exact definition of what that music was about. What the fuck. I wasn't born with a Minor Threat t-shirt on. I had to learn, and cut my teeth and come up the ranks as well. Who am I to be judgmental?

I'm not sure what caused me to become that in the end. Was it the people that I was hanging around with? Was it the years of negativity? Was it hive mentality and elitism of the music scene? When the fuck did the punk/hardcore scene become serious business? It's not. It's supposed to be about community, and fun. It certainly wasn't in the end. I'm sure I was a jerk to a lot of people, and I shouldn't have been. For that I apologize. Part of the reason that I became part of that music scene is because it gave me a place to go where I wasn't judged, and I became the one judging. A lot of us did, and sadly this many years removed, a handful of those people still are. I see it every day on the internet, or hear it through conversations, or in passing.

I have since removed myself from that music scene, and most of the people that I used to associate with in that time frame. I still hold that music in high regard, and most of it I do not regret in the slightest, with the exception of becoming the person I did in the end. I bring this up, because it's something that I have certainly been working on since my divorce. I've been doing a lot of soul searching, and I am trying to not be a judgmental person  anymore, realizing that everyone's situation is different. That person that just unloaded on you at work might have just lost a loved one, or have received news they didn't want. There seems to be so many judgmental people out there now a days, especially with the political state of our country.  It doesn't make sense to be part of the problem, when you can be part of the solution. 

How does divorce effect children

Another great TEDtalk that has been put up on youtube. I have spent a good amount of time over the last few months talking about how the Divorce has effected me. I have talked a little about how it may or may not effect my child. This is just as an important piece of the puzzle to me as everything else. There are some really good points that are made in this video, and something that hits home for myself.   

Something that is often floating through my head is about how my son will ultimately handle the divorce. I find myself thinking about it fairly often, I find myself watching him and taking note of his behavior, and or times of him being quiet. A common question that is in our household is "How is your heart?" Knowing that he may have a hard time expressing how he is feeling, or he may not know the words to explain how he is feeling makes it easier for him to do so. I struggle with dad guilt because he didn't ask to be put in this situation, yet has to deal with it. 

Trying to curb the negative impacts that can arise from the situation is something that I work hard to accomplish. Typically children of divorce have a higher rate of Anxiety, Self esteem issues, depression, as well as higher rates of divorce themselves as adults and even stressed relationships with their parents later in life than children whos parents did not get divorced (in most cases.) That's not to say that children whos parents who chronically fight and remain together won't have their own set of issues, because they can. The below video is around 20 minutes, but brings some good points to light. 

Surviving Divorce

An interesting Ted talk about surviving divorce and three positive things that you can do to help aid you in your journey of self realization and healing. Step three is the part that really hit home for me. Pulling yourself back together and realizing who you are, what you you do, who your friends are.  connecting to people and activities that help define who you are. It was a fairly painful process to go through, but necessary.  

1. Sleep

2. Cultivate Self compassion

3. Pull yourself back together again