Being Alone.

I'm having a hard time as of late. I've been struggling with not having any friendship up here. I'm constantly by myself and find myself in a mundane existence of: work from home, go exercise, come back home and go to bed. I have started by own little record store business (online for now) which helps a little bit as far as keeping my mind occupied. I've been reaching out in places like church in hopes to meet people and gain some sort of friendship amongst people in the area. I have thrown out feelers to folks about hanging out just to get no response. Esther won't respond to me since she told me me that she wasn't gaining anything from our friendship anymore. I had sent her a message after the roe vs. wade debacle that went down as I know that was important to her, and I got no response, I'm blocked on Facebook. she probably blocked my text messages as well. feeling like your alone is something that I am used to as I often feel that way with depression, however it's different when you feel that way compared to, in reality, actually being alone. I feel like I'm looking in with everyone else's relationships whether it be significant others or just their interactions with friends. ....oh....isn't that nice... or the oh....that looks fun, before reality sets in at the fact that I'm sitting at my house alone on 4th of July, with no family around and everyone preoccupied.  

I bought a dog to have a companion at home. I'm tired of not having anything around mon-wed. I find those to be the hardest days, when Orion isn't here. at least I have a dog that I can talk to now, and take for walks. Esther has a birthday coming up. I'm wrestling with the idea of at least sending her a birthday message. I'm sure she doesn't want to hear from me though. exercising has been good at keeping my mind occupied as well. I took tonight off of jogging and took the dog to Lucia beach tonight. he seemed to enjoy it. we came back to the house, I ate supper and to break up the mind numbing monotony decided to sand and paint the trim in the hallway. I sat down with the intention of working through my setting boundaries workbook and can't think long enough to actually make it through anything of substance. so, here I am.  The feeling of dissociation are starting to come back slowly I've noticed. Over the course of the last two weeks or so. Something I haven't had in a while. On the bright side, the intrusive thoughts haven't come around as much. That's a plus.

Orion asked me the other day what it was like to be an uncle. The concept of being an uncle is cool. In reality I don't know my nephews. I do get to hang out with them this coming month when we go down to Florida. a family trip for my moms birthday, post covid lockdown. it'll be nice to see my family. Get to know my nephews a little bit. realistically the next time I will see them will be when they're ten or something. No one is going to come to visit, I'm to out of the way. My dad makes the effort to come up, which is cool. he's been up here twice since I've been stranded in this area because of the divorce. I'd really like to get some time with my mom though. I miss her. 

family. I miss family. I have a house that is capable of a family, but it's empty. I have a patio set that is capable of sitting a family for dinner and creating memories, but it's empty.  I have a good sized yard for a family to spend time in and enjoy, but it's empty. The large firepit that I have in the back yard has two blue Adirondack chairs next to it, but they're empty. My king size bed that I have is empty. My sons room, is empty for half the week. The guest room is empty. an awful lot of space to sit and be alone in. I can't even find companionship through this blog cause no one fucking reads it. Out of all the cars that drive by my house and honk it would be nice for one of them to pull into the drive way. If a man falls and no one is around to hear it does he make a sound?