The Death of friendship & Loyalty

 Yesterday I said good-bye to my fur baby. I had known it was coming, as he was sick and old. I thought I had prepped myself for it mentally. However, it has hit me hard than I anticipated. I had adopted him from a someone, in North Carolina (where I was living at the time,)  who rescued him from a kill shelter at 6mo old. He was formally abused and flea ridden, and for a 6mo old puppy very lethargic, and uninterested in doing much other than curling up in a ball on the floor. 

At the time I didn't realize exactly how much Spanky would come to bond with me. I was jobless at the time as we had just moved down to North Carolina. He spent many hours with me curled up on my feet while I scoured the internet for work. After a month or so of him living with me he started to open up and feel comfortable enough to act like a puppy. Curious about life, and wanting nothing more than someone to love him. we spent many hours going on walks, going to the dog park with his sisters, lola, Moose, and his brother Tanner. He became very much a part of the family. 

I watched him grow, and when I had my first Child, I watched him become the protector of the "little hooman." I was impressed with the explosive power of your run, the height you could attain when chasing squirrels in the back yard. Always walking around with that Pitbull smile on your face and a happy dog. I always got the feeling that he knew how much better he had it with us than with his first owner (who dumped him off at the kill shelter.)  He was always there to greet me at the end of the work day, and always happy that I was there, curled up in the shape of a horseshoe and wiggling your butt. You were quite the welcoming committee. I feel that he helped me as much as I helped him. No matter where my mental state was he was always there to lift my spirits. He always knew if I was in a bout of depression and was off. he was always down to snuggle, or for me to get my ass off the couch and play ball. 

Through out the years, the locations may have changed, and he wasn't a fan of leaving the warmth of the south to return to the north east where the winters became hard on his joints. But he had the perfect place to spend his golden years. Coastal, rural Maine. Surrounded by many acres of woods to roam, a woodstove to warm his bones up to in the winter, and with many family members in the area, no lack of love in his life. Hell, he even became a shop dog. Spending many hours in the hair salon lounging and greeting patrons as they entered. 

He was , by far, one of the most kind, gentle souls that I have had the pleasure of having in my life. Even though he couldn't speak he said a lot. Then the cancer came around. I watched it take the energy away from you and knew that the bad days were going to be more frequent, and I didn't want you to suffer. After providing so much joy to the family over the years I couldn't see you go through that. It wouldn't be fair. You took my suffering away, I couldn't let you suffer. 

Your morning started off normal, until I showed up with your final breakfast of McDonalds sausage mcmuffins and a hash brown. Sitting in the vet yesterday was incredibly tough, as I knew what was coming and you did not. taking the long walk from the car , and watching you be hesitant about where we were going. Then the door opened for us to go into the room and you were even more hesitant about going in. It broke my heart. Although tired and old he was still inquisitive as to what was going on. interested in the catheter that was in his paw, sniffing the palm tree printed medical tape they had wrapped around to keep it in place. Big, sad, tired eyeballs looking at us. 

The doctor had said that it would be quick, but I wasn't expecting it to be as quick as it did. It was so fast, honestly, it caught me off guard. The first injection was a sedative, and the next was the shot that ended his life. with in two seconds of administering the shot, I saw his head drop, followed by a final exhale, and it was done. like turning a light switch off. At 40 years old this was the first time that I had anything ever die in my arms. It was at that moment I realized that we are always a light switch away from not being here. No matter how strong we think we are, no matter how big or tall or broad shouldered we are, we are still extremely fragile. Everything can be taken away at the flick of a switch. Maybe that was your final lesson to me. Live in the moment, and enjoy what you can, because it can be taken away so fast. 

I was heartbroken to see you go. I could only hope that Lola, and Moose were there to bring you into the afterlife. I know that you're not suffering anymore and that you can finally rest those tired bones of yours. I look forward to reuniting with you in another form in a few weeks. I have the perfect spot picked out for you next to that woodstove that you loved so much. Thank you for all of the years of loyalty and Love. you'll be missed dear friend.

Rest In Peace Spanky

aka "Doodle Butts"

2009- 2022

Love is immortal

 "We are one, you and I. From the moment I took your hand on the steps of the great hall of Eoferwic, we were bound as one. You may dislike me, hate me if you wish, despise me at times. But love is immortal. It goes on.” — Uhtred

I'm at it again....

The hardest part of the year for me is coming to a close, the winter. we are leaving the dark behind and coming back to the much welcomed sunshine and warmth. with that being said, this winter was rather mild overall. It was another year of lessons learned scenarios, which culminated into Esther and the boys moving out. Not on their own accord. It was a slurry mess of me not setting boundaries properly with my ex-wife and overall burnout. it was an emotionally challenging year, and where I have had sometime to be quiet and reel myself in from the non stop grind, I find myself sitting in an empty house for half of the week, able to clear my head, but the silence is deafening. 

    We have had time to talk about the situation, It's been hard because I can feel the hurt when we are talking, and I can see the hurt in her eyes when she comes over. There has been many heart to hearts this year, and many shed tears on both of our ends.  Even though both of us are hurt by things that we have done ( or didn't do) I can't help but feel that ultimately it's my fault. Which sucks because we have been through so much together, i feel like we have accomplished more than a lot of couples do in that same time frame. we were brought into each others lives at precisely the right time, because of this i feel like we were brought together for a reason. As much as this situation sucks I feel like we are not through with each other. 

    I know I have work to do, I need to learn to deal with a narcissist, I need to learn how to set boundaries between me and a narcissist, and I need to learn boundaries within my relationships. I need to delve a bit more into what causes me to do the things that I do. It's confusing, because there is SO MUCH information out there that I almost feel like I gas light myself with what I read, which makes it very confusing to know what actually is going on in my brain. Then I of course question if there is anything wrong with me and just go in circles. How are you supposed to fix yourself if you're confused as to what needs fixing, or finding the root cause. Is this trauma related from childhood, is it PTSD from my marriage. I wish life came with a handbook so I knew what to do. I'm tired of hurting myself and others. 

Timelessness

I've felt darkness closing in on me

Chilling shadows surrounding me
I've had the poison leak into my skin

And it corroded my heart away
Bled away
Cut away
Dark night of my soul

Your Person

 A term that has been put out there to me over the years. Never really understanding fully what it meant. I always assumed it was another, yet shorter phrasing for "the person I love." It's really so much more than that, and something, that after reading this I can relate to. I have posted the link below for a better summarization of what it really means. 

When someone says "You're my person."

A Lesson in Perception

An interesting thing about life is that any specific scenario that is to play out when looked at through the lens by different people can be perceived a totally different way. A lesson that I am learning at the moment. Sometimes actions, though backed by good intentions, can be perceived a totally different way than I am seeing them. Is anyone's perception incorrect? Are they wrong for feeling the way they do about the scenario that is unfolding? One side of the fence sees the scenario playing out because of love and not wanting any more hurt to come to them. The other side sees them being abandoned, and the feeling they were never loved. This of course hurts to hear, but I can't change their perception, and that is their reality of the situation. one scenario, and two different realities that come with it.......

"There are always two people in every picture: the photographer and the viewer."

            - Ansel Adams 

What is an Energy Vampire?

 

An Energy Vampire is  something that I wasn't aware of until I started going through my divorce. Hind sight is always 20/20, right? It wasn't until I was doing research on self help, and trying to find constructive ways to deal with the enormous stress that I was going through that I ran across this term. Now that I am aware of it, or maybe because it's become a more popular term over the last few years, I find myself hearing it more and more. This still may be something that you are not familiar with, but find yourself dealing with. 

    In some instances you may be lucky enough to cut that person out of your life completely, but for those of us who have had kids with an energy vampire, it's not a total loss. There are still some things that you can do to limit the conversation so they don't bleed your dry of emotional energy and you find yourself in a position where you are sick. 

".......What makes energy vampires so toxic is that they can be sources of chronic stress, says Northrup. Especially if the energy vampire is someone you can’t avoid — such as a spouse, a parent or a boss — constantly having your energy drained by that individual is a stressor, she says. “You’re constantly walking on eggshells around that person; waiting for the next shoe to drop.”

And that type of chronic stress is well known to have pretty deleterious effects on multiple systems in the body, including the immune, cardiovascular, neuroendocrine and central nervous systems......

    The more research that I do , the more things hit home and the wider my eyes are opening to why dealing with certain people have been so soul draining and exhausting. It's a battle that, at least for now, I cannot cut out of my life completely (another 8 years and 6 months, but who's counting.)  Energy Vampire and Covert Narcissism can certainly take a toll on their prey. Because the relationship is such a stressor it can lead to immune, cardiovascular issues and effect the nervous system. All of which is not good, especially if you want to be there for your Kids.  How does one actually deal with this. It's hard. For me it's a constant battle. A struggle I live with every day. Some conversations I can negate, and I certainly try to limit my contact with the person. I tend to have my conversations via text or messenger rather than in person. The interesting thing being that I am not the only one having to deal with the unbalanced nature of the Energy Vampire, the rest of their family would be quick to tell you the same. There is some sort of twisted comfort in that, knowing it's not just directed at me, but Everyone. I have included the link below, good read if the concept is new to you as it was for me. 

    

Energy Vampires

it's that time of year, Seasonal Affective Disorder!

The Cycle 

Fire emeralds eternal burn

Casting rays down.

Stoke the embers, to nourish life.

Mountains , rivers and woodlands rife.

Cultivate land and harvest begun,

To Autumn blooming, divergent sun.

Turns frostbitten kingdom, where warmth is shunned.

Frozen in time, through Blackberry winter,

When emerald returns and Wintertide hinder.

Rebirth of life through Fire Emerald cinder.

Stoke the embers to nourish life.

Cast your rays down.

Accomplishments.

    What a difference a few months can make in the course of life. Just as my life was turned upside down over night, I have come full circle over night. Around the Christmas holiday I had all but given up on finding a home for my son and I in the area. Lack of inventory and an influx  of out-of-staters (pukes) flocking to the state of Maine with expendable cash had made the house journey seem unattainable. However, I had put one final offer in on a house that had come up on the market in the small village of South Thomaston. To my surprise the owner accepted my offer and I found myself in a whirlwind of realtors, home inspections, bank appraisals, and mountains of paperwork. All during a pandemic no less. I am now the owner of a four bedroom ranch with an attached garage, workshop and a large deck nestled on an acre of land in between two farms. It was a three year journey, but I have finally accomplished what I set out to post divorce. I now have a stable home for my son & I. 

To stare out into the horse field in the morning while drinking my cup of coffee is a welcome relief. The home closing was a busy time between packing, and working. However, no sooner did I close on the home I had felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. The worry of not finding a place and soon to be priced out of the area with rent prices was now behind me. Most importantly I now have a place where my son and I can make memories that we will cherish going forward. Positive memories. 

Among other things, I feel that Esther and I have never been closer. The hiccup that we had this past December shows me that both her and I have what it takes to make the relationship work. That we are able to talk things out and work on it. That for me is a wonderful thing, I cherish her and her two boys. We are working on transitioning them here full time. It's nice to feel complete again, and to wake up and face life with the person that has been there for me the last few years, a person that knows my heart and has seen me at my worst, and at my best. Overall I feel like everything is going well with the transition. Blending five personalities is no easy task, but things are on a positive path and we are marching forward together as a cohesive unit. 

The weather is starting to turn. The trees are budding, blotches of color are returning to the coast. Patches of yellow, purples, blues and white are appearing in the fields and along the craggy ledges of rock in peoples yards. This is a time of year that I look forward to. Feeling the warmth of the sun on my body is an experience coming out of a long cold and windy winter. It warms the soul and pushes away the blues for a few short months. I see this summer being a continuation of the last few months as far as house projects go. Lots of yard work, clearing, burning, reshaping and carving the property into something that is ours. Colors, warmth, and filling the audible spectrum with the sounds of wildlife, birds, horses the geese that live behind and around the property. I see the lilies in the yard that are blooming and coming to life as a metaphor for my life at the moment. A new life blooming, I finally have a fresh start in a place that is mine, and a family to share it with. 

Looking from the outside In

 I like walking around the city at night in the winter time. Aside from the exercise it's nice to strap on a set of headphones and bomb around the streets in the dark. I've always liked walking when it's dark. It's peaceful, you can clear your head or get things sorted out. I've figured out many of my life's problems while on walks. The other thing that I do enjoy about it, especially in the winter time, are the small glimpses of other peoples lives that you see while walking by houses or apartments. You get to see just a glimpse of where people are at in their lives. Some are sitting and eating dinner with their family, others are watching television, working on art projects, taking a break from doing dishes to give their significant other a hug, while some folks are sitting at their tables working on paperwork or playing cards. With the amount of time that I have spent at the apartment in the last 12 months, it's nice to see these simple, yet wonderful human actions while I am walking by. It was especially nice, however, equally depressing during the holiday season. It was nice to see the family's in their homes, talking, or sharing laughs and drinks. Yet I found myself at times missing my family. the street lights are nice, and some of the folks still have their Christmas lights up, although it's getting fewer and fewer. The glow of the lights was a nice touch, even the folks that are growing pot plants in their windows under black lights. It's nice reminder that there is calm in the world and that people are still human, and even though a lot of folks are quarantining, they are still making connections with their loved ones. Maybe it's just because I want a family. 

The time spent this past week helping out has been a nice reminder of that. I miss the interaction with everyone. The laughs, and excitement, and snuggles. It's nice to know that we are working on things, it's nice  to have open and deep discussion about what we are and where we are going. Of course I realize there are some things that I need to focus on to make me a better partner. 

1. Communicating effectively

2. providing a safe environment 

3. be aware

These need to happen.

Being Erased

 The wounds are starting to heal today, although they remain tender. The band aid that was placed over the wound was ripped off yesterday in an ugly release that had been building up for a while. It was exhausting. The feeling of rejection and being erased was more than I could bare, but something that I needed to see, and feel for the point to be made and really driven home. It hurt, and It was exhausting.  You got to see a side of me last night that very few people in my life have seen. Even though both of us are hurting right now, and even though I felt like I was breaking, and being torn in half in an emotional agony you stayed by my side to help me work through it, you stayed tender & showed me comfort that no other partner has shown me. You never cease to amaze me the ability for you to show love and empathy for those that you truly care about. You have a wonderful soul, and I'm blessed to have you ,at the very least, for now,  a friend in my life. 

Two Energies

I've never connected with a person as I have with you.

Our energies twisting and dancing , embracing each other.

Akin to wisps being carried on the gentle wind. Or,

light beams racing through time and space.

Our souls, playing a friendly game of chase;

Like two children playing on a grassy knoll.

Though apart, I can still feel your glow.

Like, a radiant light that warms up my soul.

That helps to bring healing , a reminder of ;

What was, and can be,

Because of the connection between you and me.

So, let us heal, and come back as one.

Let our passion grow as hot as the sun.

Entangled together we make love in the sky,

while the laughter of two children can be heard

As the wisps float on by.....

Putting yourself out there

You know, sometimes you find yourself in certain scenarios where you need to alter the support that you offer up to people because the scenario has changed. The assistance that you offer a spouse will be different than the assistance that you may provide to a friend or visa versa.  Which I did. I offered assistance based on where the boundary line was drawn. Because I love and respect you. Hell, I even went as far as saying tell me what you need, let me know what I can do to help. I put myself out there. In return I got nothing, except for a few hours later to essentially be told that I didn't offer to help.  I offer to help, and it never seems to be enough. I was upset last night, and am annoyed about it today. At least I was able to communicate it last night, which was hard for me to do. 

sigh.

Go to bed now I can tell
Pain is on the way out now
Look away and domino falls away

I know it's hard looking in
Knowing that tomorrow you'll be back again
Hang your head and let me in
I'm waiting
So long

I was staring into the light
When I saw you in the distance, I knew that you'd be mine
Am I moving back in time
Just standing still

I met a man with a broken back
He had a fear in his eyes that I could understand
I can even shake the hand
Without breaking it

I've been pulling on a wire, but it just won't break
I've been turning up the dial, but I hear no sound
I resist what I cannot change
But I wanna find what can't be found

I'm aware of the time we've lost
Like a demon in the doorway, waiting to be born
But I'm here all alone, just begging

Pull me close and let me hold you in
Give me the deeper understanding of who I am
Yeah, I'm moving back again
I'm waiting here

I'm just pulling on a wire, but it just won't break
I've been turning up the dial, but I hear no sound
I resist what I cannot change, own it in your own way
Yeah, I wanna find what can't be found

Personal goals for 2021

Hitting the reset button the last few weeks has been nice to say the least. the feeling of exhaustion has dissipated. I have had a chance to have some real quality one on one time with my son, and I have made it a point to get outside and go for long walks around town at night. Just me, my headphones, and the cold, dark, crisp winter nights that come with living in Maine. It's been refreshing, and has given me a chance to get some perspective on where I am headed on my soul journey. It's given me a chance to dissect and reflect on the relationships with people whom I love, and lastly it's given me the reset I need to feel a bit more vibrant than I am usually during this time of year. The SAD light coupled with the extra vitamin D that I have been taking may also be aiding in that struggle as well. 

The reflection on myself has been an interesting one thus far. To look back on the last three years and realize how much of an utter train wreck that I was is rather scary to think about. I'd like to think of the progress that I have made instead. The miles that I have traveled to accomplish this was no small feat, and the tears were plenty. The important thing is that I no longer feel black on the inside (yes, I do realize I am not going through a low as I write this, but nor am I manic high.)  The light is getting brighter, and instead of a constant destructive emotional storm, the landscape is starting to become serene. Partly cloudy skies, sunbeams kissing the landscape with a gentle warm breeze rolling across the harbor, with the sounds of laughter from the little eyes that are happy to have his Daddy back.  Of course, there are always things that need to be worked on. Like an old farm house that always has something needing to be done. Maintenance will continue.

Communication is one of those Items that I have struggled with all my life. Music was my escape as a kid. Always donning headphones so I wouldn't have to communicate with classmates that I loathed. Unfortunately, I feel as though because of that escape, coupled with wanting to withdraw due to depression, I stifled my learning of the ability to communicate effectively.  The Ironic part being that I am a communications major who facilitates corporate training classes who has a hard time communicating in my personal life. The thing that really bothers me about it, is that my inability to communicate effectively has hurt people that I love. This in turn hurts others as well as myself. This is something that I am going to have to continue to work on. It will be hard for me, but it needs to be done. The funny thing is since I have really been thinking about that and letting it sink in I have had a few scenarios where I needed to have discussions with family. These conversations where not easy, but they were accomplished. So this CAN be done.  

In other news I need to better regulate my depression & anxiety better. I have been on my current medication long enough where I now have a much better understanding on how it actually effects me. I have contacted my doctor to try to alter the medications that I am on. I find that they work most of the time, however, I find they tend to make me a bit agitated, because of this I find that I can become snappy, or I am more apt to just reprimand, versus reprimand and then educate my son when he does something wrong. This is not fair to him. I know this doesn't help my relationship with him, especially where he is wired to have big feelings. I want to be a father, not a dad. This is not to say that we have a bad relationship, we have an excellent relationship, I just want to become a better leader and mentor for him. 

I have (as well as others close to me) have noticed that behavioral issues have started to emerge with with my little eyes. Nothing major, but issues with not being kind, being sneaky, and lack of respect towards certain people. He has also verbalized that he is having a hard time with the divorce. Because of this, his mom and I have decided it would be a good idea to get him into counseling  to help sort out feelings, and has someone else to talk to besides me and his mom. Better to curb that behavior now than have it continue and explode into something uncontrollable when he is a teenager. I'm hoping for the best. I never went through the situation that he is in, so I can only imagine how confusing it can be. 

My Goals for 2021:

Communication

Managing my depression / anxiety better

Being more patient with my son

Help my son deal with the emotional aftermath of the divorce

Be more active

Sleeping in

I think I can speak to the vast majority of people out there when I say that the 2020 year has been extremely difficult on many fronts this year.  I hear talk from close friends that family life has been stressed, relationships have been stressed, some are out of work, many are tired of the confines of apartment life, and negativity is every direction that you turn, especially politically. I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't had my fair share of trials this year as well.  I will certainly be glad when 2020 comes to and end, and we can welcome a new year. 

I know that things will continue to remain tough for the first few months, but at least there is a light at the end of the tunnel for the turmoil that we have seen. The last few years have been a tough ride, moving back home, divorce, drab little bachelor pads, stressed out about living situations and making things work in the area I moved back to, the feeling like I don't belong in my own space, worrying about rejection, declining health of close family members. however, I am happy to report that after a tough few years that it appears I will be purchasing my own home for my son and I. This has been a goal since moving back to Maine in 2017. I am happy about it, and it will be a good place for my son to balance out and for me to plant my roots to be able to provide for him. Finally, I will have the space to be able to breathe and create again.  I feel a little bit lighter this week knowing that this is now a reality and not a pipedream I'm chasing. At some point I would love nothing more than to fill this home with the laughter and warmth of not only my son and I, but a few others as well. There may be no rebounding from this. 

Relationships are funny. It's one of those life things that you should have had classes on when you are a kid. However, we all know the school systems doesn't want to teach us anything that is actually useful in life. I try to nurture that wonderfully beautiful connection,  put forth effort, try to provide warmth, love , support and worry about not screwing up another relationship, just to watch it unfold. The irony of a relationship being on life support during the year of Covid  is not lost on me. My heart is heavy because of it. I'm tired of my heart being heavy. I'm tired of messing things up, I'm tired of failing, I'm tired of letting people down,  I'm just.......tired.  Maybe I just need to sleep in. 

 

I don't know what to expect for the coming year. I wasn't at all expecting the current year to play out and end as it has. I have experienced panic, sorrow, joy, heartache, and happiness this year. However, I have had the opportunity to wake up  every day, I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, a wonderful son, a wonderful family. I need to accept that what will be, will be. I may not like the outcome, and those are lessons that I have earned.  

Cultural Taboos about suicide and depression.

This ties into my last post. It's a really powerful story. The Stigma needs to change in order to have the discussion. Enjoy.

I'm Good.

Living with depression is something that I have grown accustom to. I have dealt with it on and off through out the course of my life. It was something I was always aware of growing up. I saw my mother deal with it while I was entering my teenage years. My maternal grandfather has anxiety issues, and my paternal grandfather was a manic depressive. I almost missed one of my good friends weddings when I was in my early twenties because of it.  It manifests itself in different forms, sometimes Anxiety, sometimes a dark hole consumes me and I struggle to climb my way back out. It's always the same pattern. Climb out of my hole and ascend to a manic high, then crash within a day or two and enter a world of shadows and cold even though the sun is shinning, this might last a day or a few weeks.
       Most of the time I am able to mask or hide from most of the world what is going on, I can get by with a simple one liner..."I'm good or I'm fine." My girlfriend seems to always know when I am not feeling well. There have also been times when my son has asked me if was okay. He's seven, but he's not stupid. He knows when I am not feeling well. The worst feeling in the world is knowing you are not okay, and having to answer that question that you are fine to your son. He knows I'm sad, but it's not a world that he needs to know anything about right now. I'm afraid it will be a part of his life.

The worst part about it are the games that it plays with your head. It's something that I struggle with. Even on medication  The ways depression effects me.

• Tells me I'm a bad Father
• Tells me I'm a bad partner
• Tells me I'm horrible at my job
• Tells me I'll never be able to afford a life
• Mental pain
• Physical pain
• Feelings of emptiness or despair
• Disconnected (thousand yard stare)
• Intrusive images
• Agitation
• Lower sex drive
• Guilt about my son having to bounce between two houses
• Crying at random
• Isolation / Withdrawing 
• Hard time concentrating

But I trudge through it day by day. Some days are better than others. I mention these things because it's a way for me to process and finally put out into the open and visualize how this effects me. Maybe someone else will see this and realize they are not alone. There is a big stigma with mental health in our country, especially with the male population. We shouldn't be embarrassed, we shouldn't  feel like we need to default to "I'm fine." We should hold each other accountable and have that discussion, as hard as it may be. Those discussions can make a difference, especially when you have little ones watching you.

What do you want your child to remember?

Recent events today had me strolling through youtube and listening to some Tedtalks. This is an interesting listen in regards to building memories and not setting expectations. Hug your child. Make those minutes count. What do you want your child to remember?

I'm just "Dad."

People come and go in life. Sometimes you know them, other times you really don't. Sometimes you realize how much a neurotic mess they have turned out to be. Even though those friendships may no longer be there it is rather sad to witness a perceived decline. The one thing that doesn't seem to change however are the excuses or placing of blame. Negating ownership of their own issues that drag on like a sinking fishing trawler destined for the sea floor. Always pointing the finger. A projection of their insecurities upon others. A reflection of ones self? Probably. 

How does one deal with someone like this, when they are tied biologically together? Sure, one can put up barriers. There is also only so long one can avoid the other.  One normally does not want to find themselves wishing days to pass as our time on this rock is short. However, I find myself counting the days until all of those awkward conversations are a distant memory. The daily or weekly interactions are a continuing punishment for a failed marriage. A constant reminder, as is phantom pain to the amputee who keeps reliving the accident that took his or her limb. 

Over the course of the last few years I have trudged through the pits of hell, dragging myself on broken hand and knee to the sunlight reaching and grasping for any shred of hope to make it through. I have struggled with navigating the waters of parenting my child in a fucked up post divorce situation. Finding out what works best for the connection that my son and I have. Anxiety, depression, second guessing myself, but always owning the situation with as much grace I can muster. Some days are better than others. Point being, is that regardless of the bad days, I have reached into myself to make that connection with my son the best way that I know how. I can only say what works for me. I can't tell you how to parent your own child.

The bitter me from two years ago would have told you that everything you have gone through the last two years was brought about because of your actions. However, I've moved past being a bitter person. Is it your fault that you are a neurotic mess because of how you grew up? No, but it's how you choose to deal with the situation.  Adding unnecessary anxiety to a situation doesn't help either party, especially when the situation is stressful enough as it is and that party is your son. We are divorced, yet here I find myself still helping out. Not because I want to help you, but because I feel bad for him. Through all the escalations we cannot grasp the fact that it could possibly be anything of your doing, so, let's just throw another clinical term out there. 

So, I will keep being there as a rock for my flesh and blood. I'll be there to give him a hug when he comes running through the door. I'll try not to count the days for the next ten years, and I'll continue to pick up the slack for him from any shortcomings that arise in his life. When I can't find a way to reach him, I will try another way and not escalate it, because that's what we are supposed to do.  What do I know though? I'm just "Dad."