untitled.

Been a long bit since I last jotted thoughts down. Ran out of meds and waiting for them to get called in. Bad timing after running on adrenaline throughout the holidays. Yesterday and today have been a struggle. Needless to say my head is telling me all sorts of wonderful things. I'm a horrible partner, I'm a shitty father/step father. I'm not a good provider. The list goes on. maybe I should jump on the exercise bike, or crawl under a rock. 

reality check.

I Finally got around to finishing the mini series, the pacific. great show. Really put into perspective the living hell that those soldiers went through. They were certainly the greatest generation for a reason. Those men accomplished astonishing things at half my age. Will I ever achieve anything great?

The Kave

 There is a documentary that is underway for Kathy and the club that she ran for the better course of a decade. I was asked to write something in regards to my part and what I experienced at the kave. 

it was never about the bands, it was about the sense of being and the fact that Kathy understood us. The hundreds of bands, both big and small that passed through there was just a perk. I grew up in the Southern Maine hardcore scene in the 90s, so by the time I got around to going to the Kave I was already in college. I was familiar with Kathy as she would frequently come down to southern Maine to hit shows at the Asylum, The Industry, The Fermatta club, The Presumpscot grange hall & Zootz with her daughter. I was aware that she booked the occasional show up in the Bangor area, but never actually ventured up that far for shows. It wasn't until I had moved to Bangor, and she had established the Kave that I had started searching out her shows.  At first the Kave wasn't much to look at, it was a garage that was converted into a makeshift venue. bands played on the floor, it was dark, in the summer time it was hot and you froze your ass off in the winter time (that would change once the pizza oven started cranking in the winter!) Although the club wasn't much to look at, the heart and passion that Kathy had for running the place stood out. Sure, she loved the outcast kind of music, but it was really rooted in giving bored, creative, or troubled kids a positive place to go. She was looking after her community. She was always supportive of the local bands. If you weren't in a band, she found ways for you to be part of the local music scene. parking lot detail, running the pizza bar, being a runner for the bigger bands, security (although we did a great job at policing our scene as it was,) allowing us to book our own shows, supporting fanzines, the list goes on. When I was humming and hawing about starting a band, she called me and said that we were opening for Agnostic Front, so "we better have material to play 3 weeks from now...." 

As time passed, and I feel like I can speak for many, Kathy became a mom figure for a lot of us. No matter how busy she was, she always had an ear for us, food for us, and most importantly an understanding of us and our passion for music. She went miles beyond the roll of  a promoter. The same compassion that she had for her local community of kids and music scene she had for bands as well, often times spending DAYS preparing leading up to a show. Cooking, cleaning, last minute advertising cooking some more, and more last minute cooking or baking, Often times going as far to do the laundry of the touring bands. Now, I've been to dozens of clubs through out the northeast, been to hundreds of shows, and met a lot of cool people and promoters, but there ain't NO WAY  that them Brockton boys are washing your fucking duds for you when you roll into town.  That was the type of commitment that she had to her brand and everyone loved her for it. If you had a problem with Kathy you were shown the door real quick. Quite possibly even chased out of the club by the Kathy herself brandishing the testical skewer (a large 2 tined . 

The community she helped stitch together was indeed like a family. Sure, there were spats, scuffs, and at time some wild fights that took place at the shows (but what music scene is without that type of drama?)To me that's no different than fighting with siblings or your friends siblings. Some friendships get lost due to father time, but a majority of the friendships that I had made while involved with the Kave I still have today. I could go on and on about my love for Kathy & The Kave, and write about all of the amazing bands and shows throughout the years. At the end of the day, the Kave was my home and This club, to me, is just as legendary as clubs like CBGBs in NY, The Rat or Bills Bar in Boston, Gilman St or chain reaction in CA, The Met / Lupos in RI,  the El-en-Gee or Toads place in CT. My time spent playing shows, attending almost every other show, interviewing bands for my fanzine, and helping to run the place ran from 2002-2009 when I moved out of state. I kept up with the club from a distance until it's closure. I was sad to see it close, and although I won't be able to inhale another piece of Kave pizza, the memories and the stories will live on. 

I am

I am loved.

I am worthy.

I am happy.

So in love

Vacation is starting to come to an end. We are approaching the end of week two. Flying back to Maine on Saturday. On our way to St. Augustine yesterday we had a discussion in the car about sun light, and how the sun light in Florida has been great to help battle depression and how Maine is a tough place to live. I had mentioned that I have been focusing on the things that make Maine a great place to live. Naturally, through out the course of the day my mind kept going through the list of things that I am thankful to have due to living there. One of the things that I kept coming back to is my family. How truly blessed I am to have such a wonderful family. I will be sad to leave my parents and the sunlight, but I am very much excited to come back to you and have you in my arms again. I miss daily life with you. Everything from chasing kids, planning our days, running errands, talking about the things we want to do, and our sweaty love making sessions. I love and appreciate everything we have and are working towards. Most of all, I love you and appreciate you. My life is better with you in it. 

So in love

You do so many things with that smilin' face

So in love

Every time we kiss, it's such a pleasant taste

That's why I know this feelin' good and strong

Tryin' I was, was here to get along

I wanna testify you mean so much to me

Let me write the fact, I mean it honestly

Life is strange, believe me it is true

We don't always mean the things we sometimes do

Look at me, look at you

You know we're so in love

Baby, don't ask why

You're movin' my emotions

So in love

You don't have to worry

You have my devotion

This love affair is bigger than we two

Lose the faith and it will swallow you

Loving you is what I'll always feel

Never ever doin' things against our will

Nothing is, nothing required any kind of cares

You being you and I being me

You don't worry 'bout the rest

And our love is your confession

That we're so in love

So in love

I'll try to do the best that a man can do

So in love

The key to our success to see each other through

So in love

So in love

So in love

Baby, don't ask why

You're movin' my emotions

So in love

So in love

So in love

-Curtis Mayfield

Big things, much anxiety.

 is it just me, or is the summer screaming by. This summer has been alright so far. The weather has been awful, rain, fog, rain, more fog. Very few days of good weather. The days that we have had though have been gorgeous. The record shop has been doing well though, and am making slow and steady preparations to vendor the comic convention in October. just need a few more large orders and I think i'll have enough inventory for the full three day weekend. Regardless, it will be a good time spent with the little guy and friends. 

Our Florida trip is fast approaching, we leave PWM on Saturday at 5:30 in the morning. After the last flight fiasco the thought of traveling makes me want to puke. However, I am looking forward to spending time with my parents. No sooner will I get back and my trip down to Georgia will be here before you know it. I'm already exhausted thinking about it. 

Things are going well around the house. It's busy, and there isn't enough time in the day to get anything done, but it slow and steady wins the race. I'm trying to relax and not be so uptight about the little things. The boys seem to be doing better this go around, they still bicker, but it's not like it used to be, and the general feeling and attitude coming from them about the situation feels different this time around. I think it finally clicked. 

This morning was rather stressful. I've been filling out paperwork to restructure the 50/50 agreement that the Ex-wife and I have. We have been doing 50/50 time spent and expenses, but we have been doing half week on and half week off. This has been a bit of a concern from the little as he never has a chance to fully settle and feels like he is bouncing around all the time. Because I have him on the weekends he also never really has any quality time with his mom to do things. Thus, the restructure. I'm trying to get 1 week on & 1 week off. This will give him the ability to settle a bit, and also give him some time with his mother on the weekends (two weekends a month.) I filled out 90% of it, and she was dragging her feet on giving me her financials so I could fully finish the paperwork, so I decided to just mail it to her direct, and then filed a copy with the court so we can do mediation. This was a big step for me, and the anxiety this morning was big. I'm proud of myself for doing it, and am expecting blowback, cause, well, that's what she does. fingers crossed.

In other news, I did a big boy adult thing again. The laundry machine shit the bed, so I took the plunge and bought a new front load washer and dryer. Should be here tomorrow. I'm pretty excited. 

The Summer is picking up

 Another week almost done and rushing into the summer. It seems like this year has gone by faster than it normally does. With the good weather amongst us I have decided to finish the work day out on the deck under the canopy enjoying the view. The last few weeks have been a whirlwind. I'm finally fully settled from my trip back from Georgia. I had a blast with the boys and it was nice to be able to help my sister out with the things that she needed. The trip back home was a shit show as usual. Missed flights, and 12+ hours of hanging around the Atlanta airport. I made the best of it, and had some decent Chinese food to boot, and for less than twenty-dollars! 

Baseball has officially ended for the season. Quite the experience this year. Little guy made it to a new league this year, and was on a fairly young team. Over all their spent most of the season getting destroyed by the other teams. However, it was nice to see him grow as a team player and an individual player. Even though they lost all but 1 of their games they seemed to have fun, and take it in stride. I'm already looking forward to next season (even though this league is way busier than the previous.) We hit another milestone this week as well. Little man officially finished elementary school and is on his way to Middle school. He had his 5th grade graduation yesterday. It's wild to me that he is already on his way to 6th grade. It seems like he just started Kindergarten not to long ago. I'm actually sad to see his leave Ash Pointe school. The facility was brand new as of him entering in 1st grade, and the staff / faculty have been nothing but awesome and supportive there. I know he is stressing about the transition into the new school, this coming year. 

Things have been going well as of recent. still waiting for that low to come, and it doesn't seem to be arriving, which is proof the medication is working. My energy level seems to be staying high as well. Maybe not being in a low and my body no longer fighting an ear infection is helping in that department as well. The new hire class that I am currently doing seems to be flowing smooth with no issues thus far. 1 more week to go before they finish. As always it will be nice for the class to be done with, will miss staying busy 100% of the work day. 

We celebrated Esthers birthday early yesterday. The boys were excited to give her gifts, and her birthday dinner that she requested (Marinated steak tips & red potatoes with garlic green beans) came out awesome. For her cake, I made a white cake with lemon marmalade filling, and vanilla frosting. So.Good. Her actual birthday is next weekend, and she will be headed to Boston with the ladies to get away from Maine, and to see the band Cake. She's excited, and I'm happy that she is getting the chance to head south. That means I will be wrangling the boys for a "man weekend," A trip to Portland is in the works. Overall the boys have been doing well with each other. Orion has stepped it up quite a bit as far as his patience and grace with the boys, and if he is overwhelmed he is starting to remove himself from situations where previously he would retaliate. It's been nice to see. 

Things are going smooth so far. Conversations, and planning for things are taking place. The paperwork for altering my 50/50 is for the most part done, I need to make a correction, a copy of the paperwork, and send it registered mail to the ex-wife. We have come up with a plan to ultimately transition, but to keep her boys in the Camden school system where they have better resources. I was sitting in church this morning with the boys and I had a calming, good feeling like this is the right choice. It's a nice feeling because I feel like it backs up how I feel about the decision. It's been nice to be together as a family again. working on little house projects and planning for others. It's been nice to make progress and not only see some of it, but also nice to hear that I am starting to progress from my therapist as well. It's busy, but a good busy. I look forward to the future. 

After The Boston weekend, Orions birthday follows. The music community is planning on doing a open mic for him, and then we will have some sort of small shin dig at the house the following day with family and a few of his friends. Cake, bbq, chips etc. After that it will be off to Florida to visit my family for two weeks. I'll be working the first week and then on vacation the second week. Orion is looking forward to time with his grandparents. 

Busy weekend

Hard to believe the weekend is already over. It feels like I just left work on Friday afternoon. Even though the weekend was short it was a decent weekend overall. My Nephews were up early both days and just non stop. I took them to the playground up the road on Saturday morning, and then took them swimming in the afternoon after their nap time at the community pool followed by Chick-fil A kids meals for dinner. It was nice to treat them a little bit and they seemed to enjoy it. Yesterday was a difficult day as far as the kids goes. My oldest Nephew was being very difficult and not listening. It was a long day for for myself and his mom. I found myself having to step out of the roll of "Uncle Matt" and drop into dad mode as he was getting out of hand. I'm sure that some of his behavior is stemming from the situation taking place down here. As busy as it is I've enjoyed spending time with my sister and nephews. I'm also looking forward to treating them to ice cream this week. I've also started the official countdown to when uncle Matt is leaving to help make the transition smoother for them when the time comes. 

My sister finally told me the whole story of what happened to my brother in law. How he is still alive is beyond me. I feel like she made the right choice by not giving up on him and I commend her for making that decision even though life will not be the same for her, and in many ways, much more difficult. It's been interesting to observe the family dynamics and really solidifies the things that are important in life. I will leave here tired, but I will also leave here with a stronger sense of family and knowing that the family I love is waiting for me back home. I'm blessed for what I have, and finding joy in every moment is important because as tough as we think we are, it can all be taken away in the blink of an eye. 

Family matters

 Today marks the fourth day that I have been down in Georgia to help my sister with the kids and the house as she tends to my brother in law. It's been bittersweet to see  my nephews as I don't get a lot of time with them due to the distance between where I live and where they live. However, on the flip side it's been hard seeing my brother in law and the condition that he is in. I can't imagine going through something like that. My sister has been great with him though. She has a lot on her plate, but she epitomizes what a union  should be like. The amount of work that she is putting in to him is astonishing. Really, at this point I'm not sure who is the tougher person. Him for making it through his situation or her for having to pick up everything, including taking care of him. The irony of the situation is that I am here to help, and that he can barely talk and when he does he's extremely soft spoken, I happen to be half deaf so I'm sure you can imagine how that goes! It turns into a lot of pointing at things.

Even though I haven't (and hopefully never) had to go through that it's been great to see how this is playing out as far as their relationship goes. They clearly have a solid relationship and my sister is not backing down from the hardest thing that she has had to contend with in her life. I have a lot of respect for her. It's also nice to know that I have a person that I would do the same thing for if ever need be. So this thought process isn't all bad, it's been amazing to see the amount of work that my brother in law does during the day for physical therapy. He's putting in a solid 8 hours a day as far as rehab goes.  

We are coming up on the weekend, not sure of what is going to transpire. There is talk of me taking the boys to Chick-fil-a and to the playground. Whatever we do, I'm sure that I'll be exhausted. Even though it's only been a few days I miss my family back home, and I miss my dog. I don't want to wish this trip away, but I'm looking forward to seeing them again. 

9 Months & The Vacancy that's here

I woke up and my thoughts were immediately with you. You would have been born this month, and you're not going to be. I've spent the last few months trying to come to terms with this. You would have been my world. Please look down on your mother today, I think she is going to really need it. She loves you, too. Your brothers love you, they just don't know it yet. Thank you for choosing me to be your father, I can't wait to meet you someday. I love you, Princess.

Energies entwined, to create ecstasy.

Fruit of the womb, takes the seed.

To create new life , a part of me

Scared & joyous, overly.

You were but, just a pea.

To learn that you will never be,

Crushed my soul, so heavily. 

You would have been a Sister to three,

Beautiful, smart, and carefree.

I'd ask that you could sit with me

but, since you can't, I hope you see,

that my love will always be.

                             -Dad

June goals

Pushups- x 60

Bike (while in Atlanta) 30min

Run (when back at home) 3 days a week

Finish book

Finish modification paperwork

Positive affirmations

Full bucket

 Last couple of weeks overall have been good. It's been busy, but a good busy as far as connecting and family repairs go. It's nice to see the people I love smiling, and it's nice that I have been smiling a lot more as well. I've been on my meds for a few weeks now and everything seems to continue to move forward without any major concerns. I have noticed that my levels of anxiety have been much lower, haven't had any lows, and still haven't gone crazy. All good signs. I hope that it continues as the weeks progress. At this point I'm gearing up to head down tot Georgia for a two weeks to help my sisters with my nephews while she tends her family situation. It's going to be busy, but I am looking forward to spending time with my nephews and sister. It will also be nice to be able to see my parents, albeit for very short amount of time. I'm now tasked with finishing the list of things to do to prep for the flight on Sunday. 

I've been feeling good about everything the last few weeks. It's nice to have goals, and something worth working towards, together. Chipping away at working on myself to better ourselves. I've enjoyed my time spent as a family. Gardening, video games, basketball. it's been a nice to have a full heart. I'm going to miss you guys while I'm gone.  My main goal after my trip is to get the paperwork finished and submitted. The amount of paperwork to alter the structure of 50/50 is asinine. I guess I should thank my blessing that I'm not one of those guys is stuck filling all this court paperwork out all the time. Family court is a racketeering scheme. New meds still seem to be doing well. I notice that I am a bit groggy in the morning when I wake up. case in point, this morning, I poured my hot water into my creamer instead of into the french press.....

Another busy weekend

Man, another weekend done already. This, much like the last weekend, was busy, and fast. The weather was gorgeous all weekend. It was so nice to be outside and catch the sun. The warmth is finally starting to arrive, and the winds coming off the water are less cold than they were a month ago. I've been waiting for this weather for months. Saturday was spent at the ball field with a double-header against Vinalhaven. A much older team, so needless to say we got destroyed. However, the kids took it in stride, and even though they lost both games they were in good spirits. They had a handful of good plays, and hits to drive runs in. It just wans't enough to surpass the other team. The remainder of the day was spent mowing the lawn, and then having some down time with the little guy to close out the night. 

Yesterday was mothers day. Surprisingly the the little guys mom wanted to spend time with him, so, after a lazy morning he took off with his mom for the remainder of the day. I spent time with the rest of my family for mothers day. Even though it was last minute plans we had a nice picnic at walker park, and then came back to the house and hung out for the afternoon. It was nice to have everyone under the roof again, and nice to spend time with the boys. Night time snuggles was the quite amazing as well. You're an awesome momma, and it was nice to appreciate you. As every good day does, it came to an end too fast, and it's back to the office grind already. 

I'm rounding out the 1st week on my new addition to my meds. So far, so good. no adverse effects that I can tell. We'll see if it stands the test of time and can keep the lows at bay. I'm hoping that this will do the trick. It would be nice to have this on lock down. I went for a jog today on my lunchbreak. I had to force myself to get my shoes on, but once they were on I was good to go. The jog wasn't as hard as the last two, at least from a physical body standpoint. However, on the way back I was jogging into fairly strong headwinds the whole time, which was not too pleasant. It's kind of neat being able to make it from the house up to the museum building and back without stopping. that seemed like an unattainable feat last summer when I started running. 

Tonight I'll be hanging out with the boys for a little bit, and then coming back to the house to do who knows what, probably sitting down to start that paperwork to alter the 50/50 to week on week off. Tonight is really the only night for downtime as the rest of the week is consumed by baseball practice/ games and doing homework with little man. 

Echoists?

Real interesting read about Echoists. A new term for me. The article did resonate with me, and I can see traits of this within myself, as well as some of my family members. Namely my Grandmother. I don't feel like I have these traits because of narcissistic parents, but more so because it was mirrored to me from my mom, who probably learned it directly from my Grandmother.  I have included the link below.

Are you and Echosit?

Your inner child pt.4

In between researching topics, I have been working on healing my inner child. During a letter that I wrote to my inner child I had finally been able to verbalize and talk about an incident that happened when I was in about 5th or 6th grade. This is something that I have always stuffed down deep inside myself and if it ever bubbled up to the surface I immediately  suppressed it back down. It came out during my writing and as uncomfortable as it was to acknowledge it, I was able to hold it and I was able to accept that it happened. That specific incident took place and set forth another incident in motion. A situation that I also stuffed down for years. I figured that this was a good opportunity to move forward with the healing of my inner child, but also a good opportunity to have a really difficult conversation. I reached out to my friend and asked if he could chat after work. I was dreading the conversation, and wasn't quite sure how I was going to approach it. 

The time came for me to call him, which I did. I had a huge spike of anxiety at first, but was able to get it under control. I had let him know that I was on a self help healing journey, and had filled him in on what was going on, talked to him about the concept of the inner child. Talked about how I was trying to heal from childhood traumas. This lead into the incident that took place, and explained the tremendous amount of guilt that I had carried for years about it and apologized. I had asked how it may have affected him over the years, and he said it didn't. He was able to forgive me and understood how that cycle could perpetuate itself. He ended it by saying I feel no different about you now, then before you called and stated that he was glad that I was on this journey and that it helps me to find happiness. It was by far the most awkwardly difficult conversation that I have had, but yet it turned out way better than I anticipated, I was shocked then and I am certainly shocked right now. I am glad that it turned out the way that it did, and I was proud of myself for being able to have that conversation. 

Anxiety high today

I Have this ongoing anxiety today. Can't seem to shake it. I'm not sure if it's just my normal anxiety or if it's due to the new medication that I am taking. The Doctor stated that side effects could last at least a week and then take a few weeks for it to kick in. I was a bit anxious yesterday as well. I'm planning on going for a run on my lunch break. I guess we'll see how the rest of the week goes.