Hey Bacchus, She Hates me...

Another year passes, and another fall in Maine. I really love fall time. It's the perfect combination of good weather during the day, and crisp cool nights. The perfect time for jeans, a sweatshirt, and your favorite Type O Negative record. Tonight it happens to be October Rust, kind of wishing I had apple pie to go with it. Maybe I like the fall so much because it brings back memories when I was a teenager. Spending the nights out at Portland headlight, Spring Point, talking or doing photo shoots with corpse paint, or any number of out of state shows with friends. I always look back fondly on the those times. 

Over the course of my life I have written, and kept journals of some sort since I was a kid. I find that the fall time, for me, was the perfect time to write. I feel like I did more reflecting during the fall months than the other months during the year. Again, I find myself in that same position. A lot has transpired over the last year and a half. Broken foundations have started to be repaired. What was once a fallen kingdom, has now started to regain order, and I find myself standing quite a bit taller now a days than I have been. I am thankful for my girlfriend who has been a huge help, and a huge support for me over the course of time. I know she would tell you that I have been just as much of a help to her, as she was to me. I have a lot to thank her for. The hours of conversation, the hours of staring into space while she sat with me so I wouldn't have to be alone. Checking on me to make sure that I had eaten,  Walking hand in hand getting our divorce paperwork done together, and having the support to make it through such a scary and tumultuous time in my life. 

The best part about her is that she has helped me find the joy in life again, I am happy when I am around her, she makes me smile, she is great with my son as well. I feel like she had a big part in helping him with the transition into his parents no longer being together, and helping accept what has taken place. As much as it has hurt to see him have to deal with certain things, I know she has helped in making it just a little more comfortable for him. I remember talking to friends and family of mine last year and they kept telling me that it would get easier, and a year from now or two years from now I would look back and wonder how I had made it through. I feel like I am starting to get to that point. I have far better weeks. My days are generally better. I do still miss my son on the days that I don't have him, and Sunday drop offs are particularly hard, especially on weeks like this week, where he didn't want to go back to him moms house. He kept telling me the weekend went by too fast, and it damn near broke my heart. 

Those are the days that are still hard. Overall though I feel like I'm in a far better spot then I was mentally last year. I feel as though it has taken a lot of work to get to where I am, and it's been an absolute exhausting process getting here. Processing all of those heavy heart shredding feelings. Constantly wondering if I am making the right decision for my son. Always keeping a high guard up not knowing what is around the bend. defeating all the games my head was and sometimes is trying to play with me.  All the negative energy that I have cast into the atmosphere all over the mid-coast area.  

I recently took a drive out to Port Clyde, a place I had spent many hours driving around losing my mind, and listening to music during beginning and height of my divorce. I have hated driving out in that area, just because of all the negative energy that I had released into the universe. This was one of the first times that I had been out there that in recent hasn't bothered me. it was a pleasant feeling, as it's such a beautiful area that I didn't want it getting tarnished by all the bullshit that was going on in my life. It was a nice feeling to know that I can go out there again, and not be brought right back to where I was. 

I never thought that I would get here. I always thought my Girlfriend (although she wasn't at the time) and family were saying those things to get me through to the next day. Initially they might have been, but I know they truly thought that or else they wouldn't have said it. It's hard to think straight and see the future when your head is in the clouds, or your are thinking of running a knife over your wrists, or driving into on coming traffic. It does get better though. So, if anyone is reading this and your find yourself in the same spot that I was. please know that it does get better, little by little, day by day it does get better. It's so nice to not have my chest be weighed down by the heaviness and blackness that was on me constantly. People change, and that's okay. It's been a tough lesson to learn, but I have learned some things about myself, and I have certainly learned how adaptive and resilient my son can be. 


"Hey Bacchus, she hates me"...….and I've accepted that. 

Leap of faith

I find myself at yes another cross roads. Being pushed out of my apartment that I'm currently month to month in because my Landlord cannot afford the mortgage on the building so she is taking my side over so she can rent out her side of the house. It's always something, and it's really starting to get old. I need to find that steady stride to get back on my feet. The hunt for an apartment is on. not a whole lot in my price range. the outlook in the area is bleak at best. Haunted by my surroundings, haunted by the thoughts that run through my head, and as of recent haunted by a dream that I had years ago.

One of those dreams, that truly has bothered me over the years. I must have had it about 10 years ago, and it stays in the back of my mind, never going away. Maybe it's because of the hard times that I'm going through, the swirling depression, the anxiety. All the things with the divorce, second guessing myself, always on the lookout like a paranoid lunatic. Thinking that I'm going to get broadsided by another surprise from the ex-wife. The ache in my chest, and not ever knowing if it's a heavy heart or if it's a cancer eating away at me. The feeling as though I'm not able to breathe, even though clearly I am. Not knowing how I am going to survive. The feeling of not being able to support my Son to the full  capacity that he needs, or being able to give him his own space as far as affording a two bedroom apartment.  My life is a mess. How can one escape it? End it. Return to the earth.

This dream had me standing on a bridge ready to throw myself off. I am haunted by the image in my head. Desert landscape, A crowd of people behind me, cars stopped, people pleading with me not to leap, Fire trucks and a police car. I was a shaking, trembling mess.  My ex wife is there, and another girl is there, unknown to me. Dark silhouette. It was not my ex-wife who caused me to not jump. It was this figure of a woman that I don't know. I'm not really sure the situation in the dream that had me at the point of crossing into the void. I do know that I had long hair. At the time I thought it odd that I had long hair in the dream.  This dream was also incredibly realistic.  I have wrestled with the meaning of the dream, and who this mysterious silhouetted figure is. what does she represent? Besides the unknowns this dream has grown to bother me over the years, especially now, knowing where I have been in the last year and a half as far as a head space goes. A constant reminder of the dark and scary side of depression. The fear that something like that could happen someday even though I tell myself It won't. Everyone has a breaking point. All of those hidden cries for help that get tossed out over the years, and no one gets it. But someone does get it. My son gets it. He's always watching. Asking if I'm okay, or asking why I sound sad. Quick to give me a hug. Even if I think I'm hiding it well, I'm not. He picks up on it. It's not fair to him to have to see his dad like this. There are days, I swear he is the strongest one in my now small family.....