Leap of faith

I find myself at yes another cross roads. Being pushed out of my apartment that I'm currently month to month in because my Landlord cannot afford the mortgage on the building so she is taking my side over so she can rent out her side of the house. It's always something, and it's really starting to get old. I need to find that steady stride to get back on my feet. The hunt for an apartment is on. not a whole lot in my price range. the outlook in the area is bleak at best. Haunted by my surroundings, haunted by the thoughts that run through my head, and as of recent haunted by a dream that I had years ago.

One of those dreams, that truly has bothered me over the years. I must have had it about 10 years ago, and it stays in the back of my mind, never going away. Maybe it's because of the hard times that I'm going through, the swirling depression, the anxiety. All the things with the divorce, second guessing myself, always on the lookout like a paranoid lunatic. Thinking that I'm going to get broadsided by another surprise from the ex-wife. The ache in my chest, and not ever knowing if it's a heavy heart or if it's a cancer eating away at me. The feeling as though I'm not able to breathe, even though clearly I am. Not knowing how I am going to survive. The feeling of not being able to support my Son to the full  capacity that he needs, or being able to give him his own space as far as affording a two bedroom apartment.  My life is a mess. How can one escape it? End it. Return to the earth.

This dream had me standing on a bridge ready to throw myself off. I am haunted by the image in my head. Desert landscape, A crowd of people behind me, cars stopped, people pleading with me not to leap, Fire trucks and a police car. I was a shaking, trembling mess.  My ex wife is there, and another girl is there, unknown to me. Dark silhouette. It was not my ex-wife who caused me to not jump. It was this figure of a woman that I don't know. I'm not really sure the situation in the dream that had me at the point of crossing into the void. I do know that I had long hair. At the time I thought it odd that I had long hair in the dream.  This dream was also incredibly realistic.  I have wrestled with the meaning of the dream, and who this mysterious silhouetted figure is. what does she represent? Besides the unknowns this dream has grown to bother me over the years, especially now, knowing where I have been in the last year and a half as far as a head space goes. A constant reminder of the dark and scary side of depression. The fear that something like that could happen someday even though I tell myself It won't. Everyone has a breaking point. All of those hidden cries for help that get tossed out over the years, and no one gets it. But someone does get it. My son gets it. He's always watching. Asking if I'm okay, or asking why I sound sad. Quick to give me a hug. Even if I think I'm hiding it well, I'm not. He picks up on it. It's not fair to him to have to see his dad like this. There are days, I swear he is the strongest one in my now small family.....