Coming to an end

As the year comes to a close I can say that a lot of personal progress has been achieved on a personal level this year. I am in a much better place that I was last December at this time, and certainly since the December before that. It has been two years since I was at the beginning of the worst period of my life. I have crawled out of the hole and am now standing much taller that I was.  I find that I am still adjusting, and find myself at times thinking about that. We have officially cleared the Christmas holiday, and where I did Have Orion on Tuesday for Christmas, yesterday just wasn't the same without having him there. I was lucky enough to have been surrounded by my girlfriend and her family, and was invited over to her mothers house. It was nice to be included family dynamics again. However, there was a part of me that was vacant because I wasn't around him.

I am am proud of how much I have achieved in the last two years. I know what I am made of, I have seen some pretty incredible Highs, and I have seen some equally scary lows. I feel like I have become much more in tuned with myself, and I have done a lot of self discovery, and know myself on a multitude of levels now. I am able to recognize things about myself that needed to change, and learn to not dwell on the past. To let things go, and control what you can control. By letting things go I have been able to control what I focus my time and energy on, but also put myself in a position where I am not being hypocritical in my healing. Not making myself out to be the victim. When the divorce first started I wanted very badly to play the victim card, which I did. Rightly so to a point. However, I'm moving on. I'm not holding onto what was. I think people are to comfortable playing the victim, I see it with friends and former family. They hold on to things when there really isn't a point to anymore. When your fifteen years into holding onto something you just come across a bitter. Which, is rather sad.

We are approaching the time of the year where people will be preaching for personal change and resolutions, of which some will achieve and others will fail miserably. I hope for your sake, if you are reading this and are thinking that you are going to make a change, or heal from something that you achieve what you are looking for. I hope that 2020 brings some sort of solidified healing for you, that you are able to let things go , and that you are able to learn a few things about yourself in the process. whatever that may be.

 With the new year approaching I need to compile a list of goals I want to achieve this coming year, something to focus on besides the every day normalcy. Goals in my career, relationships , and other personal goals. I think 2020 will be the year for me where my feet get fully planted underneath me.

Top releases for 2019

I found it hard keeping up with music releases this year. Between working full time and being a single dad half the week it's been hard to keep track with the sheer amount of releases that have come out. I have listened to a quite a bit of new music, but I feel most of the stuff that has come out is just rehashed versions of stuff that came out twenty years ago. Anyway here is my list of my favorite releases for 2019. Some are full lengths, some are EPs. I'm interested to hear your thoughts. Keep in mind I didn't rank these, so they are in no particular order.

Fuming Mouth- The Grand Descent
BBB Records
This album is brutally heavy. Not in the sense of breakdowns, but in a noisy atmosphere combined with harsh vocals and some incredibly heavy riffs. This is a fiery combination of Death Metal, Hardcore and D-beat. Killer stuff.  

Mamiffer- The Brilliant Tabernacle
Sige Records
It goes without saying that I have been a HUGE fan of ISIS for the last twenty years. So knowing that Aaron Turner of ISIS fame has been part of this project  always has me intrigued. Another beautiful release by his partner in crime. beautiful piano passages, ambient noise, and haunting vocals on this record were captured. However I find this album to have a over all bright feel to it. 

Glitterer- Looking through the Shades
Anti Records
Holy shit. what to say about this record? The twenty year old Matt would have hated this album. It's short. It's Ironic, and fucking catchy as hell. This is a masterpiece of punk-ish synth pop, with simple bass lines. This is one record I cannot get out of my head this year.

Fiddlehead- Get my mind right
Run for Cover 
This band helped me through some really hard times. Coming from a deep rooted love of the New England hardcore scene I have the utmost respect for Pat Flynn. Although only a single, this became a easy top favorite release. Think a modern version of Fugazi. 

En Minor- On the Floor
Housecore Records
Great single release by Phil Anselmo, as well as Jimmy Bower of Eyehategod / Down fame. Mellow , depressive, hazey. I feel that this could have a been a b-side on the first DOWN record.

Baroness- Gold & Gray
Relapse Records
Another good release by these guys. The album received some negative reviews because of the mixing and mastering. Artistically these guys have always done what they want, they are clearly moving in a direction opposite of the Red & Blue records. This record is decent effort on their part. I was excited to hear this when they announced it was coming out. 

OM- Live at the BBC
Drag City 
Sure it's been a long time since the release of any studio stuff from OM. however, with the resurgence of interest in Al's other band SLEEP, it made sense to capitalize on serving a new offering to his fans. There was some push-back on this release as they thought it was a money grab. Say what you want this release captures an incredible live studio sound. The mix is great, each instrument has their own space to breathe without over powering each-other. Some great bass tone. The songs have taken on a life of their own developing and changing over time. excellent release.

Sleep- Live at Third Man Records
Third Man Records
What a juggernaut of a release. 4xLP spanning Holy Mountain through The Sciences. Massive sounding record. This album was mixed and cut live. If you want to know where the wall of sound for 2019 is, here it is. This record will not disappoint. 

Vials of Wrath- Dark Winter Memories
Flowing Downward
The newest release from solo Un-black Metal artist. Solid record. Nothing genre defining, but it is well done.

Falls of Rauros- Patterns in Mythology 
Gilead Media
Maine based Black/Folk metal outfit hit us with another great release.  Abrasive and cold, again, nothing genre defining, but these guys do it well. They have stepped up their game with their lead guitar work. some seriously good solo work, and excellent guitar tone through out. 

Alcest- Spiritual Instinct
Nuclear Blast
Pioneers of the Black Gaze genre. These guys did an excellent job of conjuring up heavy atmosphere and emotion on this release. Everything that you have come to expect from the french metal band. 

The Hypocrisy of self healing

It seems that in this day in age everyone is talking about self help and self healing. You might hear it at the water cooler, or at the gym, or in social circles while you are out. You virtually cannot go anywhere on the internet without seeing some sort of meme talking about self help or self healing on Instagram or Facebook as well as newsfeeds. How many articles about self healing are at a click of a button through blogs, or media. I think self care is wonderful, and I think that it certainly serves its purpose for a lot of people. Personal growth is something that we all need to go through. Throughout the course of your life you need to heal from certain traumas, or just grow as an individual to reach the next phase of your life.

With that being said you also need to practice the things that you are preaching about. Being mindful of self help and self care over the last few months, I have kept track and tabs of the things that people are posting on the topics and what they actually end up doing. One of these happened recently. This person, for the last two years, has been extremely vocal on the internet about protecting yourself from toxic relationships,self healing, and being kind to other people. However at the same token, is publicly making fun of people that were in their life fifteen years ago,  because of some wrong doing that had taken place. Clearly, they are still holding on to things that happened ages ago. Can you really preach to other people about self progress, when you clearly cannot let the past go? Can you really preach about being kind to others when in fact you are being the opposite of that, and doing it when it fits your agenda?

 I am guilty of the same thing. I too partook in the same type of behavior for years with this person. It wasn't until the last two years, where I have done some serious re-evaluating of my life, and who I am as a person that I said to myself "why do I still even have something against this person?" I have since apologized to them for my behavior over the years, and have since mended fences. What gets me is that we used to be great friends before this other person came around and ultimately ended up sabotaging the friendship, which seems to be a common trend through out their life. What about your children, how are you going to set the right examples if you're talking about one thing, and practicing another. 

Food for thought. This is something that has rubbed me the wrong way. Yet another façade, a smoke show. In this current age of technology people are way to caught up in making themselves look good, and painting a picture of their lives.Self help is great, but how many people who preach this, In reality,  are miserable? Self help? Sure, if you say so...…..but clearly there hasn't been much mental maturity over the years as you're in the same spot you were all those years ago. It's simply a reflection of yourself upon the people you are insulting through your hypocrisy. But,  I'm sure it does wonders for how many people "like" your posts though.

The Christmas Spirit

It's hard to believe that the Christmas holiday season is well underway already. I'm not quite sure where the year has gone, but it flew by. It seems that Summer arrived to Maine late this year. The entire month of June was rainy and cold. Warm weather didn't make it to us until the Month of July.  Now that we are here in the middle of the season, the days are getting shorter, the air getting colder and the mid-coast isolation is about to set in for the next few months. It's been hard to get into the Christmas spirit this year, mainly due to illness that I have not been able to shake for the last 3 weeks. I have, however, decorated the apartment with what I can, mainly for Orion. After all, that's what it's about, correct?  

The holiday season has been difficult for me since the separation and divorce. Although I am thrilled to be able to have my son during the holiday season, It's still a reminder to me that I am not going to be with him the entirety of it. I'll only get to see him excited for half of the holiday season. I make it a point to continue the traditions that I started with him when his mom and I were together. We set the Christmas tree up thanksgiving weekend, I let him pick out an ornament (this year it was the golden snitch from Harry Potter.) We watch all the usual Christmas movies. The Grinch, Frosty,  Rudolph, and the Muppet Christmas Carol. We do the Advent calendar and the call from Santa etc.   I know the important thing is the time I do spend with him, and the values that I instill in him is what matters. However for me, it comes down to having half the time with him. 

This year we did sponsor an elderly woman for Christmas. I wanted to do something with Orion that shows or solidifies the fact that you should do nice things for other people. The person we are sponsoring was through the place I work, and through the Salvation Army. One of those Christmas trees where you pick the tag off the tree and it tells you a little bit about the person and what they are asking for. I figured that all the little kids would be taken care of, and that the older folks would be looked past. So I decided to take the card for the 87 year old woman, who wanted a lap blanket and lotion. Orion and I took a trip to the store to pick out fleece fabric and lotion. We then made our lap blanket and I brought everything into work where the Salvation Army will come to pick up and distribute to The person we sponsored. While making the blanket I tried to explain to Orion that sometimes the elderly are on a limited income, or they may not have any surviving family, or family that want to visit them. I think he got the point.  It's nice to have a son that has as big of a heart as you do. It's a good thing to witness, and I will always love him for this. 

Today, while reading the Art of Living, this was one of the topics. I thought it was fitting. This is something that should be practiced through-out your daily life,and not just during the Christmas or holidays seasons. If you have the impulse to help a stranger or friend and family member out, then do it. Don't ignore it. 

Mistletoe

The smell of food, 

and candles fill the air.

I've hung the mistletoe,

but there's no one here.

I miss you. 

The end of an era

I want to take some time away from the general topics at hand and talk about the end of an era. After thirty five years of insanity, and a right of passage for many metal heads over the years (including myself,)It's time to say goodbye to a genre defining insanity machine.  I am of course talking about the final show that Slayer played the other night in LA. I however did not make it to the show, but I was lucky enough to have seen them on the first leg of their final tour last year with Lamb of God, Testament, and Anthrax. That show was my ninth or tenth time seeing them over the course of my life, and it was a bittersweet moment for me. As one of the bands that helped to pioneer extreme metal, and was also one of the gateway bands for me to get into extreme metal. The raw energy they still captured, and the heart they still put into their show was incredible. They still brought to the table what captured my attention so long ago. Raw unbridled relentless energy.  The best part about their final set that I saw wasn't about the set list. Sure they played some show stoppers like Dittohead, Mandatory Suicide, Black Magic, Postmortem, Seasons in the Abyss, and Angel of Death (with a touching backdrop to Jeff Henneman.) The best part was being surrounded by my friends, my friends that went with me to war  at Slayer shows many times through out the years and lived to tell about it. Standing next to them, while we were taking it all in. 

See, when I was a kid (before the internet took off) you always heard wild stories while standing in line at concerts. About the sheer carnage, or violence at shows. People stage diving not off the stage, but off the balcony's. The commonality was that the craziest shit always happened at Slayer shows. Slayer fans were fucking crazy. Nailing their tongues to trees to win Slayer tickets during radio contests, carving Slayer into their arms, back and heads (which became famous due to the Serenity in Murder CD single artwork, and the Live Intrusion VHS.)  So when it was my first time going to see Slayer, it was a mixed bag of emotions and feelings. I was excited to see them, and I was also scared to death because you never new what was going to happen at a Slayer show, or if you were even going to survive. 

Some notable experiences were Seeing them at the Tattoo the Earth Festival in Boston outside while the sun was setting. One thousand water bottles flying in the air because of a massive water bottle fight the crowd was having. Seeing them at the Extreme Steel Tour and being part of a line of people that was rushing security to get down onto the floor. Watching the guys in front of the charge running down the stair case of the Worcester Centrum and leap down at least twenty stairs to tackle security so we could all make it down to the floor. Once we were on the floor seeing waves of people around the Centrum charging down the staircases and doing the same thing because being stuck in the seats at a Slayer show is NOT an option. Seeing them on the God hates the world tour shortly after 9/11 took place and spraining my ankle during Postmortum. How about the coincidence that their album God Hates Us All was released on 9/11. Watching them play the Reign in Blood album in it's entirety with their original line up. On their final run watching them break into the intro to Raining Blood for the final time brought a tear to my eye, and looking at my best friend with that look on our face that we will never see this song played again live. Sure, we may see some sub-par rendition of it played by a local band, but it's surely not going to be the same. Slayer always seemed to find a way to push boundaries, sonically, lyrically, and with their imagery. Always singing about the darker things in life. Slayer was not just a show, Slayer was a right of passage. 

It's hard to believe that a band that has been around for the entire duration of me being into extreme metal is finally done. As happy as I am that they get to stop the grind, and be with their families and take the time to do the things that they want to do, I am also saddened as a staple to the genre of music I was so heavily into is over. So, here is a thank you for all the wild times, and memories that you guys have provided over the years. They were some of the best times of my life and I wish you all the best in the future.Here is to all the insane stories I heard about Slayer shows as a kid. Here is to all the awesome people I met over the years at their shows, and their insane fan base across the world.  Here is to Gary Holt for having to fill in a massive roll for Jeff Henneman after his passing and doing so with grace. Here is to Tom Araya, who took the time on each night of the final campaign to stare out into the crowd and take it all in. I know you will miss it, you will miss the legions of fans across the globe that you amassed over the years. Last but not least...

FUCKING SLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAYYYYYYERRRRRR!

Slayer- Angel of Death - November 30th , 2019. The Forum- Los Angeles, CA.