A constant reminder of something better (anniversary edition)

The relationship with my girlfriend has become extremely solid over the last year. She was my rock and the person I would seek refuge with during the year of my divorce. I was also the same for her. Two souls that were going through the same thing at the same time. We were walking through hell together, we were just at different points in hell. without her support I don't know where I would be. we have been hanging out with each other for the last two years, however, we have been officially dating for a year as of two days ago. My relationship with her is different than with my previous relationship in my marriage. She has shown me the way that relationships should be. That there are times for serious discussion, times for laughter, times for intimacy, time to nurture each other, time to decompress. It's very much a two way street. She has been incredibly supportive and has shown me that you are not supposed to be miserable in a relationship, you are not supposed to be so riddled with anxiety that you cannot talk to your partner. We have immersed our families together, and our boys get along together well. It's very much a brotherly situation. We have been introduced to the inner core of each others families. Including her coming on vacation with us last year to Florida. It's been nice, refreshing. A welcomed change to what I was accustomed to. 

We do not get a chance to go out often however because of the schedules that we both have our kids. It seems to be when I have my son, she does not have her boys, and when she has her boys I do not have my son. With that being said we tend to do things as a cohesive family unit. Which is great, but makes it hard for us to have a breather from the joyful chaos that is three boys between the ages of almost four through seven. When we do get quiet time, it is quite welcomed.  Our first anniversary this year fell on a Monday (the twenty-seventh.) Knowing that we really could not celebrate the occasion on a school night we opted to honor it on the Friday before. We didn't go far, we decided to keep it local and stayed two towns up from here in Camden Maine. I am not too familiar with this area as I am not from here originally. She, however, grew up in the town of Rockport and spent her teenage years hanging out in Camden, so she knew the spots. Our plan was to get food and to go back to the room and spend a quiet romantic evening. Let me tell you what, she found the absolute perfect place. It was a cute swanky Boutique hotel called 16 Bayview that was designed after 1930s New Orleans hotel with a modern flare to it. I was totally blown away by the building, the service, and the rooms. We ended up with a street side suite which included a king sized bed, fireplace, large bathroom with a large hot tub and a full glass and stone shower with a shower fixture that looked like it was designed to not only wash you, but scan for bomb residue (like in the airports.) It was wild.  She had fresh flowers ordered for the room, with a card that was made out to Mr. & Mrs. as they thought it was our first wedding anniversary, also a small box of chocolates. This made for quite the laugh. Such a feel good moment. 

Once we were checked in and got over the initial, what I like to call "holy shit" moment we decided to head up the street on foot to pick up the food that we ordered. We hit this Asian fusion restaurant in the heart of town called Long Grains. It was a special occasion, and again, we don't get out much (on average two dates a year) so we didn't spare any expense. Eighty-dollars later (which is reasonable for an anniversary dinner) we walked back down the street arm in arm with a brown bag of Asain cuisine takeout fit for a king and queen.  Dinner included steamed coconut lemongrass mussels, Maine crab fried rice, Chinese yellow noodles, and ginger chicken with mixed mushrooms. we ate with the fireplace going and listened to Mazzy Star. The food was absolutely to die for, I cannot speak highly enough of all the flavors and the quality of the food that was locally sourced. 

We had received complementary drink vouchers, so, after dinner we decided to make our way down to the bar on the first level of the hotel. we enjoyed our blue cocktails on a comfortable couch, before making our way back upstairs to utilize the hot tub and enjoy each others company. The following morning we took a quick stroll outside to the waterfront and pier before going back into the bar to have breakfast and before taking a further stroll down Main street to the stone library before going home. What was nice about this was the fact that we had a good discussion about what we wanted to do, and she took it upon her self to do some research and really try to put something special together for the two of us. It was so nice to be on the other end of that for a change, instead of being the one to try to put something together, and then hear complaining because they had to dress up, and then go back to the house to have them play on their phone the rest of the night. I sincerely appreciated the time and effort that she put into coming up with ideas of where to go for dinner, and she just made the judgement call to get the room (which she got at  a great price due to it being the off season.) It's nice to be on the same page with someone, and recognize that a relationship is a two way street, not just a take most of the time and give a little scenario. She is certainly a good one, has an incredible heart,  and I can't wait to see what the future holds.

Long Grain Camden

16 Bayview Hotel

Living with a person who has Narcissistic traits

Over the last two years I have been trying to not only figure myself out, but also learn from the past. What can I take away from divorce and my situation to learn from as I rise from the ashes. Sure, I'm not perfect, I realize that. There are things that I could have done differently, as to if it would have made a difference, who knows. I have been, however, dissecting the many facets of who I was married to as a person. trying to peel the layers back, and look deeper into that person based on red flags, and research that I have been doing. I have been wrestling with the fact that the person that I was married to indeed is a Narcissist, not a full blown Narcissist, but certainly hitting multiple points. It's an interesting situation because the image that is painted or portrayed is of someone who is empathetic, and, as of now, immersed in the world of  self healing and helping others. At first glance one would think that narcissism is not the case, which is why I have been wrestling with this revelation, and the irony of the situation at hand.

If one does research on the internet you will be quick to find that there are a handful of reasons why one can be narcissistic. Now, everyone has narcissistic tendencies, however there are a handful of reasons that the person I was married to seems to hit.  The constant manipulation and twisting of conversations to her favor, after what I feel was me being gas lighted for the last few years of our marriage. The fact that she was never wrong, ever, and to this day still is not wrong if there is a disagreement. How about the fact that my anxiety is half of what it used to be when I was around her, most of her old long term friends have cut her off, as well as her burning bridges with most of her family for some wrong doing of theirs, never hers (Part of me wonders if her new boo is working the isolation angle as most of her relationships that have been burned or strained have been since he has come into the picture. ) over the years has been and continues to be  judgmental of other people to the point of ruining past friendships. She would get upset if I chose to not respond to her when I knew she was trying to bait me in an argument. That used to drive her nuts, and it still does to this day.  The list goes on, again not all points are hit, but there are plenty that she does hit. 

The weird thing is that all of this stuff never really hit me while I was in the marriage, I just knew something was wrong. It wasn't until we split, that I started paying attention to the other relationships that she was involved in and they were starting to fall apart. I began connecting what other people were saying to my own experiences. I have my own suspicions that she was cheating on me when we moved back to Maine, if not physically then certainly emotionally as she was very quick to move her interest into the house after I moved out. Yet another common trait found among people with narcissistic tendencies.  I have also heard they met at my current place of employment, and then both quit together to ultimately work for another employer together.  I'll never truly know. 
               
What I do find interesting is that through out the years a common conversation was about how her mother was very much the same way, and that she wanted to become nothing like her mother. This seemed to be a reoccurring conversation over the almost 15 years that we were together. It wasn't an every day conversation, but something that came up a few times a year. To hear members of the family mention in the past that she is headed in that direction makes me feel sad for her. So much time and effort over the years talking about what she didn't want to be, and she is headed down that same path. I find that to certainly be about as ironic as ironic gets. It's been interesting having these revelations, and it was certainly painful living in that situation during the last two years of my marriage. I knew that we were drifting apart, my anxiety was off the charts, she started spending more and more time involved with projects, or going to friends houses from morning until later in the evening while I was at home with our son. feeling like I had to walk on eggshells around her . It made it hard to exist. It certainly took a toll on my nerves and my mental health. To the point where it makes me hyper aware of things now and question the things that she does or her motive. on the Plus side, my anxiety is since under control, and the crashing waves of stress from the initial fall out of divorce has subsided. I'm starting to see things more clearly, and still getting used to my new routines, and new life that I have started forging for myself post divorce. I have a great support system. I wish I would have seen the signs, while I was in my marriage. I also failed to make the connection that the traits that haunted her from her mother may also lead into her behavior later down the road. 

if you find yourself living with a person who has Narcissistic tendencies or traits and are not sure where to look or what to do, I have provided a few links below. 

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder
How to deal with a Narcissist

Where is everyone?

The thing that I have learned is that divorce has many different branches to it. Sure there is the direct effect that it has on the two parties involved. It stems out and has direct effect on the families that were initially brought together with the marriage, and it has a huge impact, on the children (if any) that are a product of the marriage as well. A common trend that I have heard from multiple people through out the last two years is that children are resilient. Sure, they are resilient and we hope that the two adults involved directly in the divorce and aftermath are grown-up enough to keep the negativity to a minimum, and ultimately lessen the impact that the situation has on the child. I think that any decent parent would also hope that the circle of support for that child remains a constant from both separate camps as well. At the end of the day it is not the child's fault that the marriage didn't work out. Hell, the child had no say weather they were brought into the world to begin with. The least you can do is to support the child. 

Now, with that being said, I get that we live in a day and age where our society is always on the go. People cannot afford to live unless people are working 40+  hours a week. It's tough for a working family to succeed now a days, let alone a single parent. Time is precious, and things need to get done. People need to prioritize.  However, the things that need to get done also include supporting your developing child emotionally, and being there physically and mentally for them as well. This should always take top priority. 

  I'm starting to get far enough into fatherhood and post divorce now where I have started to notice small things. My son has started to notice small things as well and he is starting to make those connections. We were at his basketball game this past weekend. I of course was in the stands, as always. The holder of the water, the snacks, the jackets, the extra shoes, and of course the supporter, and the encourager (is that a word?)  This was another week of basketball where I was the only one of his family member there for him. He didn't say anything directly to me about no one else from the family being there, however he did mention that his friend had a lot of people there to see her play. which was true, historically she usually has many of her family members in the stands cheering for her.  I tried to spin it back around that I was there for him and that I was excited to root for him in the bleachers. Shortly after the game started and  I noticed that through out the game he was looking into the stands to see if anyone else had shown up, of course no one did. It broke my heart. Life happens, I get it, however there always seems to be  excuses.

Now, I know that it is my job to worry about what I am able to control. I do the best I can to make sure that my son feels like he is supported, whether I am not feeling well or if I have to cancel plans to make sure something happens. Not being there for my sons basketball game (as an example) is just not an option. This goes for anything that he does or wants to do. That might be music lessons, swim lessons etc. As parents we have a choice, we can choose to be in our children's lives, and if we make that choice it needs to be all or nothing.  It shouldn't matter if it puts you out of your comfort zone or encroaches on something else that you would rather be doing. Life stopped being about you when you made the decision to have children, let's start acting like it and show some support because one day it's going to be too late and they will know who was there for them and who was there for them when it was convenient.  As we progress through the rest of the basketball season, and other events this year I hope to see more participation on the part of other people, although I am not hopeful. 

.....Of head-walks and sing-a-longs.

Coming out of the Holiday and New Year season, I find myself drawn to songs and albums that bring me back to a simpler time. A time when I was still cutting my teeth on the music scene, when I was realizing there was beauty in chaos and aggression, that music could be used as a weapon for change and the DIY ethic that came with it. A time before I was constantly tired, and every weekend was filled with friends, stage dives and high fives ( to quote a favorite New England band, I'll let you figure that one out.) Is part of my life. It's Unfortunate, but for a time I was completely burned out on it. Shows every weekend, writing a fanzine, interviewing bands,  starting my own band, playing my own gigs on top of 40 hour work weeks. I have been removed from this music scene ultimately for the last ten years. I have found myself being drawn back to it as of recent.  I think as therapeutic as it was for me as a teenager and into my late 20's it still proves to be a huge part of who I am and a much therapeutic release for me today.

A flood of memories comes back to me from hundreds of shows over the years. Meeting so many wonderful people. So many good times leading up to shows, giving all of my blood , sweat , and sometimes tears ( in the case of the Hatebreed set in New Hampshire at the Bombshelter shortly after my cousin died in the Station night club in Rhode Island.) I think that when I was a kid it was a way for me to feel like I had a place to fit in, a place to quell anxieties that I had at the time. Very much my therapy. I could deal with whatever bullshit I needed to during the week, but on the weekend we were hitting the shows all over New England. I look back on that time fondly and wouldn't change it for the world.

Now a days, it's therapeutic to me in the sense of bringing back good feelings. If i'm having a hard time I know if I put on, say,  Terrors "Lowest of the Low" album, or Strife's "in this defiance" album that it's an instant mood changer for me. The aggression of those albums, and the great memories that they bring back to me are monumental.  who every says aggressive music cannot be positive is full of shit. These feelings have been elevated for me over the last week with the announcement of the Death Before Dishonor show at Genos in Portland. A lot of old heads are going to be coming out for the show, and my best friends band will be opening up for the show.

This will be big for me as well in the sense that this is the first time in 15 years that I will be going to a hardcore show without my ex-wife. To be honest it's a little weird as she was always with me. So, I feel that this is really the final step to leaving the old life behind. I'm being reborn in the sense of gravitating back towards the music scene I cut my teeth with something that meant so much to me, and something that truly made me happy, with a woman I love that also makes me happy, and will be surrounded by friends that make me happy as well.  I was extremely moved that my girlfriend wanted to go to the show, because she knows how much this world and life meant to me and helped define who I am as a person.  It's nice to continue marching forward with someone who is truly into it and not going through the motions and to be able to share something so special with someone special.