Looking from the outside In

 I like walking around the city at night in the winter time. Aside from the exercise it's nice to strap on a set of headphones and bomb around the streets in the dark. I've always liked walking when it's dark. It's peaceful, you can clear your head or get things sorted out. I've figured out many of my life's problems while on walks. The other thing that I do enjoy about it, especially in the winter time, are the small glimpses of other peoples lives that you see while walking by houses or apartments. You get to see just a glimpse of where people are at in their lives. Some are sitting and eating dinner with their family, others are watching television, working on art projects, taking a break from doing dishes to give their significant other a hug, while some folks are sitting at their tables working on paperwork or playing cards. With the amount of time that I have spent at the apartment in the last 12 months, it's nice to see these simple, yet wonderful human actions while I am walking by. It was especially nice, however, equally depressing during the holiday season. It was nice to see the family's in their homes, talking, or sharing laughs and drinks. Yet I found myself at times missing my family. the street lights are nice, and some of the folks still have their Christmas lights up, although it's getting fewer and fewer. The glow of the lights was a nice touch, even the folks that are growing pot plants in their windows under black lights. It's nice reminder that there is calm in the world and that people are still human, and even though a lot of folks are quarantining, they are still making connections with their loved ones. Maybe it's just because I want a family. 

The time spent this past week helping out has been a nice reminder of that. I miss the interaction with everyone. The laughs, and excitement, and snuggles. It's nice to know that we are working on things, it's nice  to have open and deep discussion about what we are and where we are going. Of course I realize there are some things that I need to focus on to make me a better partner. 

1. Communicating effectively

2. providing a safe environment 

3. be aware

These need to happen.

Being Erased

 The wounds are starting to heal today, although they remain tender. The band aid that was placed over the wound was ripped off yesterday in an ugly release that had been building up for a while. It was exhausting. The feeling of rejection and being erased was more than I could bare, but something that I needed to see, and feel for the point to be made and really driven home. It hurt, and It was exhausting.  You got to see a side of me last night that very few people in my life have seen. Even though both of us are hurting right now, and even though I felt like I was breaking, and being torn in half in an emotional agony you stayed by my side to help me work through it, you stayed tender & showed me comfort that no other partner has shown me. You never cease to amaze me the ability for you to show love and empathy for those that you truly care about. You have a wonderful soul, and I'm blessed to have you ,at the very least, for now,  a friend in my life. 

Two Energies

I've never connected with a person as I have with you.

Our energies twisting and dancing , embracing each other.

Akin to wisps being carried on the gentle wind. Or,

light beams racing through time and space.

Our souls, playing a friendly game of chase;

Like two children playing on a grassy knoll.

Though apart, I can still feel your glow.

Like, a radiant light that warms up my soul.

That helps to bring healing , a reminder of ;

What was, and can be,

Because of the connection between you and me.

So, let us heal, and come back as one.

Let our passion grow as hot as the sun.

Entangled together we make love in the sky,

while the laughter of two children can be heard

As the wisps float on by.....

Putting yourself out there

You know, sometimes you find yourself in certain scenarios where you need to alter the support that you offer up to people because the scenario has changed. The assistance that you offer a spouse will be different than the assistance that you may provide to a friend or visa versa.  Which I did. I offered assistance based on where the boundary line was drawn. Because I love and respect you. Hell, I even went as far as saying tell me what you need, let me know what I can do to help. I put myself out there. In return I got nothing, except for a few hours later to essentially be told that I didn't offer to help.  I offer to help, and it never seems to be enough. I was upset last night, and am annoyed about it today. At least I was able to communicate it last night, which was hard for me to do. 

sigh.

Go to bed now I can tell
Pain is on the way out now
Look away and domino falls away

I know it's hard looking in
Knowing that tomorrow you'll be back again
Hang your head and let me in
I'm waiting
So long

I was staring into the light
When I saw you in the distance, I knew that you'd be mine
Am I moving back in time
Just standing still

I met a man with a broken back
He had a fear in his eyes that I could understand
I can even shake the hand
Without breaking it

I've been pulling on a wire, but it just won't break
I've been turning up the dial, but I hear no sound
I resist what I cannot change
But I wanna find what can't be found

I'm aware of the time we've lost
Like a demon in the doorway, waiting to be born
But I'm here all alone, just begging

Pull me close and let me hold you in
Give me the deeper understanding of who I am
Yeah, I'm moving back again
I'm waiting here

I'm just pulling on a wire, but it just won't break
I've been turning up the dial, but I hear no sound
I resist what I cannot change, own it in your own way
Yeah, I wanna find what can't be found

Personal goals for 2021

Hitting the reset button the last few weeks has been nice to say the least. the feeling of exhaustion has dissipated. I have had a chance to have some real quality one on one time with my son, and I have made it a point to get outside and go for long walks around town at night. Just me, my headphones, and the cold, dark, crisp winter nights that come with living in Maine. It's been refreshing, and has given me a chance to get some perspective on where I am headed on my soul journey. It's given me a chance to dissect and reflect on the relationships with people whom I love, and lastly it's given me the reset I need to feel a bit more vibrant than I am usually during this time of year. The SAD light coupled with the extra vitamin D that I have been taking may also be aiding in that struggle as well. 

The reflection on myself has been an interesting one thus far. To look back on the last three years and realize how much of an utter train wreck that I was is rather scary to think about. I'd like to think of the progress that I have made instead. The miles that I have traveled to accomplish this was no small feat, and the tears were plenty. The important thing is that I no longer feel black on the inside (yes, I do realize I am not going through a low as I write this, but nor am I manic high.)  The light is getting brighter, and instead of a constant destructive emotional storm, the landscape is starting to become serene. Partly cloudy skies, sunbeams kissing the landscape with a gentle warm breeze rolling across the harbor, with the sounds of laughter from the little eyes that are happy to have his Daddy back.  Of course, there are always things that need to be worked on. Like an old farm house that always has something needing to be done. Maintenance will continue.

Communication is one of those Items that I have struggled with all my life. Music was my escape as a kid. Always donning headphones so I wouldn't have to communicate with classmates that I loathed. Unfortunately, I feel as though because of that escape, coupled with wanting to withdraw due to depression, I stifled my learning of the ability to communicate effectively.  The Ironic part being that I am a communications major who facilitates corporate training classes who has a hard time communicating in my personal life. The thing that really bothers me about it, is that my inability to communicate effectively has hurt people that I love. This in turn hurts others as well as myself. This is something that I am going to have to continue to work on. It will be hard for me, but it needs to be done. The funny thing is since I have really been thinking about that and letting it sink in I have had a few scenarios where I needed to have discussions with family. These conversations where not easy, but they were accomplished. So this CAN be done.  

In other news I need to better regulate my depression & anxiety better. I have been on my current medication long enough where I now have a much better understanding on how it actually effects me. I have contacted my doctor to try to alter the medications that I am on. I find that they work most of the time, however, I find they tend to make me a bit agitated, because of this I find that I can become snappy, or I am more apt to just reprimand, versus reprimand and then educate my son when he does something wrong. This is not fair to him. I know this doesn't help my relationship with him, especially where he is wired to have big feelings. I want to be a father, not a dad. This is not to say that we have a bad relationship, we have an excellent relationship, I just want to become a better leader and mentor for him. 

I have (as well as others close to me) have noticed that behavioral issues have started to emerge with with my little eyes. Nothing major, but issues with not being kind, being sneaky, and lack of respect towards certain people. He has also verbalized that he is having a hard time with the divorce. Because of this, his mom and I have decided it would be a good idea to get him into counseling  to help sort out feelings, and has someone else to talk to besides me and his mom. Better to curb that behavior now than have it continue and explode into something uncontrollable when he is a teenager. I'm hoping for the best. I never went through the situation that he is in, so I can only imagine how confusing it can be. 

My Goals for 2021:

Communication

Managing my depression / anxiety better

Being more patient with my son

Help my son deal with the emotional aftermath of the divorce

Be more active