Late night brain dump

I feel like I have to write so much as of late so that I can release all of my thoughts, that way  I don't stew and overthink everything. I've been feeling good as of late, the heaviness i  have within my chest is dissipating, I feel lighter. I have a lot of thoughts in my head, but I have been managing them, and my anxiety has been fairly low, which is great. I have an appointment on the 8th to try a new mood stabilizer.  Hopefully when I do have a low that will help to keep it more even keel than an actual low. I may have already mentioned that. I've written so much that I can't remember anymore. 

Being on that phone tonight really made me feel good. made it feel like old times. I wish we could start fresh. start over, do counseling, hell I'd even take you out on another first date. it's clear we all miss each other.  It's clear that the boys still love me, and  it's clear I still love them. What are we doing?! The excitement in the boys voices when I answered the phone, it brought back memories of when I would knock and they would come running to the door just so excited that I was there. Why are we throwing all of this out? we have so much history to just throw it away , we have a history that is worth fighting for.  I keep hoping that this was a last attempt to get me to get my shit together. I want to make it right, and I want to continue to do right by you. I want to be your container. I want to be your lover.  I want to be all the things. Just come home. All this has me feeling like I just want to go outside in the horse pasture and yell at the top of my lungs right now. let us learn together and Let me heal your wounds. Sometimes I hate being a hopeless romantic. 

I have therapy appointment tomorrow morning, I'm wondering if she has an agenda that she wants to start with? If she doesn't I'm going to ask her to help me create solid boundaries that I can set. I have one or two that I can think of in my head currently. I just don't know what the" Or what" part is going to be yet, I guess that's what I need the help with. I know one of them is "Thursday - Sunday I don't want you randomly stopping by to see our son. He will call you at 8pm on those days." But what is the repercussion of that if she did stop by? I guess we'll see. I need a release. I'm gonna go give myself one.