Turning the bad into something good

Since my divorce I have holding on to my wedding ring. It's been locked in a box and tucked up into my closet. The paperwork has been done for over a year, but I wasn't ready, for whatever reason to get rid of it prior to this particular day. I had taken the ring with me a few times to get sell it, but I had never actually walked through the door of the jewelers to sell it. what was I waiting for?

I think part of me wanted something good to come out of it. I didn't want to sell the ring and use it to pay bills, or blow it on stupid shit. Something that meant a lot at one point should be reborn into something else that is positive. I decided to use the money to pay for father/ son photos this fall. I am getting ready to transition out of my apartment that I was forced into, and into another place of my choosing. A place that my son has his own room and a large yard to play. He no longer has to worry about the train barreling ,the back yard, we no longer have to share a bed. With us transitioning into our new place, I figured getting photos would be the icing on the cake for our new place.

we went out to St. George, and met with a photographer Jessica Lecaptain. She had pumpkins and hay bales in the yard, as well as patch work quilts. it was a nice little set up. We were only there for about a half hour, and wasn't sure what the results were going to be. The end result came out awesome. I couldn't be happier of how the photos turned out. Taking something like a wedding ring which now symbolized pain, and hard times was turned into something beautiful. its really hard to put into words. But it is exactly what I was looking for. Here is to new beginnings, and moving to a place shortly that will not be full of bad memories, and 2 years worth of dark times.

A reminder for self care

I went out on lunch to the same bench that I always sit at on the Rockland boardwalk, and found this drawn on the planking next to my bench. Sometimes it's nice to randomly see stuff like this when you need it. 

Drown

Get pulled under,

Choke and scream.

Blinded by what used to be.

My salvation is a dream,

Something that will never be.

Further slipping down below.

There is no light, 

Where darkness grows.

Inhale deep,

Don't hold your breath.

Feel the water fill your chest

A cold water eulogy,

an epitaph serene.

Now you will

Cease to be

Drown.

Night time drive

Day three on medication. Had an amazing night at my house last night with my girlfriend. It was  a rare occasion that she is able to make it over to my place. we went for a drive to look at the moon , proceeded to come back to my place and had some tea. Lit candles and just enjoyed the quiet together. I enjoy our quiet time together, as rare as it is. It provides a sense of calm that otherwise is hard to come by in our hectic lives.

I stepped out the door today to grey skies and cold air blowing from the harbor. Typical fall day in Maine coming out of a gorgeous Sunday. I don't know if it was the weather but, the later part of the day I found myself struggling a bit. I made it through work, and it was actually a pretty productive afternoon. My girl friend wanted me to ride with her to go pick up her boys from their dads house. was a bit of a drive out there and figured that it would be nice to see all the bright orange, yellows and reds of the changing fall leaves. I found myself on the verge of a panic attack for most of the way out which put a damper on the ride itself.

I've been struggling since, well, since the divorce that I no longer have the piece of the American dream that I once had. House, dog etc. I have no place to call my own, and knowing that my family isn't around makes it even harder being reminded of this on a daily basis. Seeing how it is to make a living around here coupled with the housing market really makes me wonder if I'll ever get to that point again. It makes me sad. Sure sad for me, but also sad for my son as . He never asked for this, and yet he is a bystanders of the outcome. Kids are resilient, I get that, but I see him being in limbo between two temporary living situations. driving around and seeing the nice homes nestled in the woods of Camden hills and Lincolnville, smelling the woodstoves; it all made me miss what once was. The castle I had to call my own.

I was rather quiet on the way home. I guess I needed to just allow myself to feel it and work through it. I now sit, eating Chinese food fixated on shitty situation that I find myself in, I miss my son, and I miss my family. It's going to be a long holiday season for me.  What the fuck is wrong with you dude. ugh.

A Side Effect

Getting help for depression can be a ironic thing at times. We preach talking about mental health, and mental health awareness now in this world like it is going out of style. Which, I am happy for. Open lines of communication is a great thing, to vent , explore ideas about yourself, and to help offer support to others that may need it. There are new breakthroughs every day in medicines that people need to navigate their way through in order to try to help themselves. 

Try this, try that, why don't you add this other drug to what you're currently taking. No drug out there comes without it's side effects, and anyone who has been on any sort of SSRI knows that already. The side effects can range from being drowsy, to feeling like a robot, to becoming suicidal, or maybe more suicidal that you already were. I find that to be rather Ironic. The thing that you are taking to try to make yourself well ultimately could aid in killing you. 

I bring this up because tomorrow I will start taking SSRIs again to help with depression. This is not the first time that I have been on them. I recognize that I have been heading down a dark path, and I'm at the point where I'm tired of dealing with it. feeling like shit all the time. I find that I've been depressed for so long that it's all that I know. The sick thing is I know that I will miss the feeling of not being depressed.  Maybe Kurt Cobain was on to something when he uttered the words "I miss the comfort in being sad." 

so I go into tomorrow with a positive attitude that things will work. maybe I'll get lucky and this will be the only drug that I have to take. Maybe this will be the one that works for me the first time OR Maybe I'll go crazy....

What depression really looks like:

You might kill yourself if you don't take them, and you might kill yourself if you do take them.....

Alone

I find myself struggling with the feeling that I am alone, and wandering through my life at the moment. I know that this is not the case, I know that I have my son, I have a loving girl friend, and I do have family in the state. However, it is a feeling that I cannot shake. it's one thing to come home to an empty apartment, but it's another to come home to an empty apartment knowing that my extended family is two hours away, and that my direct family is over a thousand miles away. It makes things hard, especially knowing that we are coming into the winter.  A time of year where the daylight seems to almost be non existent, brutal weather, which turns cute little Rockland Maine into a frozen cesspool of a town.

I have always had family close to me, and surrounded by friends. I find that this so called event in my life has shown me who my friends are. I have heard from less and less over the course of time. it's rather disheartening. however, it has given me a better understanding and appreciation for my real friends. Today I felt the darkness start creeping back in, and it's been hard to crawl out of my own head. I found myself in my what I like to call tunnel vision, or thousand yard stare for a good part of the morning. I started to crawl out of it and be semi productive at work today. Though, dropping my son off at his moms tonight brought back that empty feeling again. Then home to an empty apartment.

I need to be home tonight to hit the reset button. I'm afraid to deplete myself, and end up in a spot where I can't drag myself out of bed. I cannot afford to fail. For my son, for myself, for the people that are standing behind me rooting for me to get my feet back under me.  It's hard when your family is so far away. The phone calls have been less frequent, and I'm having a hard time with that as well. I know they have their plate full with their own things, there are times it feels like I'm forgotten about. I know it's not true, and I know its my head playing tricks with me. Seeing through the fog is tough at times, having that voice in my head tell me that I'm not enough or that I'm not going to be able to survive up here isn't making it easy.

Esther tells me that I need friends up here, and that I need to reach out. I haven't found anyone that I really connect with. I know this winter is going to be hard, and I'm going to have to just move a day at a time. I'm tired of my life feeling like it's a prison sentence, the winter makes it worse. I never thought that I would have lost the spark of life. What the hell is with me.

on a positive note, I have found myself a two bedroom apartment. Orion now has his own room, this makes me incredibly happy.


"I want to be healed, but these wounds are sentimental."
                                                         -Ashbringer-

Sink

Always question why.
Gazing into dark.
This dream lasts forever.
All my dreams float,
Down river.

Voices like sirens.
Cutting through the fog.
Heed our warnings now,
Do not cross the river.

You will be pulled under.
you are going to suffer.
Grass not always greener.
To heavy for what
You are dreaming of.
Sink.