Alone

I find myself struggling with the feeling that I am alone, and wandering through my life at the moment. I know that this is not the case, I know that I have my son, I have a loving girl friend, and I do have family in the state. However, it is a feeling that I cannot shake. it's one thing to come home to an empty apartment, but it's another to come home to an empty apartment knowing that my extended family is two hours away, and that my direct family is over a thousand miles away. It makes things hard, especially knowing that we are coming into the winter.  A time of year where the daylight seems to almost be non existent, brutal weather, which turns cute little Rockland Maine into a frozen cesspool of a town.

I have always had family close to me, and surrounded by friends. I find that this so called event in my life has shown me who my friends are. I have heard from less and less over the course of time. it's rather disheartening. however, it has given me a better understanding and appreciation for my real friends. Today I felt the darkness start creeping back in, and it's been hard to crawl out of my own head. I found myself in my what I like to call tunnel vision, or thousand yard stare for a good part of the morning. I started to crawl out of it and be semi productive at work today. Though, dropping my son off at his moms tonight brought back that empty feeling again. Then home to an empty apartment.

I need to be home tonight to hit the reset button. I'm afraid to deplete myself, and end up in a spot where I can't drag myself out of bed. I cannot afford to fail. For my son, for myself, for the people that are standing behind me rooting for me to get my feet back under me.  It's hard when your family is so far away. The phone calls have been less frequent, and I'm having a hard time with that as well. I know they have their plate full with their own things, there are times it feels like I'm forgotten about. I know it's not true, and I know its my head playing tricks with me. Seeing through the fog is tough at times, having that voice in my head tell me that I'm not enough or that I'm not going to be able to survive up here isn't making it easy.

Esther tells me that I need friends up here, and that I need to reach out. I haven't found anyone that I really connect with. I know this winter is going to be hard, and I'm going to have to just move a day at a time. I'm tired of my life feeling like it's a prison sentence, the winter makes it worse. I never thought that I would have lost the spark of life. What the hell is with me.

on a positive note, I have found myself a two bedroom apartment. Orion now has his own room, this makes me incredibly happy.


"I want to be healed, but these wounds are sentimental."
                                                         -Ashbringer-