Friday, April 28, 2023

Gas Lighting

There has been a lot swirling in my head the last few weeks. Coupled with the deep dive I have been doing I have come to realize a few things. There are absolutely times that I gas lit people . The big one specifically is regarding deep conversations that I would have, and then there would be a lack of change from my end. the talk was there but the actions were not, or if they were, they weren't done enough to establish a pattern of progress. That's a big realization for me, first, I'm actually connecting the fact that this is a form of gas lighting. Secondly that sucks to realize that has been going on. There is a few reasons as to why this sucks. The biggest reason is because it caused pain, and hurt in the people that I love. There is no excuse for it. I'm not sure why that has been a reoccurrence, it's certainly not for lack of caring or lack of love. 

What really brought this topic up for me today was thinking about the tunnel vision aspect of being stuck in survival/coping mode. The fact that you are only focused on what is in front of you at that very minute in time. Interesting when we look at that in the context of a conversation and gas lighting. I am certainly in the conversations at that moment and then after that conversation, we'll say by the next day,  the progress piece is already fallen outside the scope of the tunnel vision because I need to focus on what I have to do to make it to the next part of my day. Interesting cause and effect. Interesting survival mode can set off chain reactions. I'm not sure if that's really the case here, but it makes sense to me, being able to connect the dots. I'm glad that I am aware of that now though so I can work on it. 

The other reason why it sucks is because I try to carry myself with integrity and doing the right thing. it's one of those things that I've always prided myself on. I have some faults in my life but I have always tried to do the right thing (whether that turned out to be the case is a different story) and follow my heart with decisions that need to be made. Gas lighting people is NOT the definition of integrity, intentionally meaning to gas light someone or not ( I would never intentionally gas light someone.) This is something that I am aware of now, and will be working on this. The other piece I want to address is the day at basketball when "it's not a big deal" came flying out of my mouth. It is 100% a big deal, kids were involved, and it disregarded your feelings on the matter. This makes me feel like a complete, total ass. I'm terribly sorry :(



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