Thanksgiving is always a time of reflection. A time to put things into perspective again after a crazy year of my anxiety and head telling me different things. Always doubting myself as a person, as a father, as a partner. I am my own worst enemy. This week, however, has been good for my mental health. Esther and I have had some long talks, and we are back together. We have a great thing, and the kids love each other and missed each other terribly on our few week hiatus. On The break I was able to put everything into perspective. The positives and the things I need to work on. It made me realize the amount of love that I have for her, and really appreciate what I have with her, the connection that we have and the vast amount that both her and I have accomplished together on a personal level as well as a couple.
Work has been both low key, and easy going this week. I have one student that I am putting through the class, and it's a Webex scenario as they are in Lawrence Kansas. Wednesday night was spent over at Esthers house. I'll admit, it was nice to wake up in a house hold on Thanksgiving morning and be surrounded by people that I love and consider my family. By request I made an apple pie with Owen that morning before come back to my apartment to start cooking. Orion spent the first part of the day with his mom, and then came over in the afternoon. I planned on dinner for night time. At some point in the early afternoon Esther and the boys came over to the apartment. We hung out for the afternoon and spent time talking, watching the boys play and prepping for dinner. It brought joy to my heart to be able to share that day with everyone.
The one thing that I have been struggling with for the last year is being caught up on the "I used to haves." Coming out of a divorce and having had the piece of the American dream, my own little kingdom to putter in, or do projects in, and to have that taken away. The course of events that have taken place over the last few weeks, coupled with reflecting on where I am and what I actually have. I have come to realize that I have everything that I need right now. I have a roof over my head, I have a decent and steady job. I have a loving girlfriend that not only sees me as her family, but accepts my son as her own. I live in a gorgeous area (even though hard to make a living.) I have my health, I still have my parents and sister. I'm lucky enough to be almost thirty-eight years old and still have both my maternal grandparents and my paternal memere. I have quiet Saturday mornings of music, and watching my son find joy in little things like breakfast burritos, youtube, and Iggypop. when you look at life through that filter, life doesn't seem so terrible after all.
I know that I will always battle with what goes through my head, self doubts, anxiety, depression. That just means I need to thoroughly enjoy these moment even more when I am not in that mental state. I do feel as though my medication has been starting to kick in as I have noticed my last few weeks over all have been better. Sure, I was crushed when we took our break, and I had to process through that information. The face of the demon that is depression hasn't shown it's face as of recent. For that I am thankful.
Saturday, November 30, 2019
Monday, November 18, 2019
Are you Fulfilled?
The Chains
"I wear the chains I forged in life........"
-Jacob Marley
The last week has been spent putting things into perspectives. There has been a lot of emotional ups and downs. I continue to read the art of living, and have been watching certain TED talks in order to try to find some insight as to what chains have been holding me back with the divorce. This was all started by the conversations and events with Esther over the last week. I am coming up on the two year anniversary of leaving the house and moving into my own place. When I first moved into my own place, I was hit with the trauma of my life getting ripped away, instantly losing fifty percent of my time with my son, and trying to figure out how I am going to survive in an area that does not offer hope to a lot of people. Trying to cope with those three things was incredibly painful, proving to be the darkest time of my life. For me breaking ties with the ex was not nearly as painful. Looking back on it, and I've said it before, my marriage was dead before we moved back to Maine. I should have seen the red flags. Safe to say that I am ninety percent over the divorce. They say time heals everything so, what has been holding me back?
Since I have been in my own place, I have found it hard to accept the fact that I once had the American dream, the house, the eight foot privacy fence, the dogs, a 401k and was living a comfortable life. I am now not. I now have no place to call my own, sure I am renting. I accomplished my goal of obtaining a two bedroom apartment finally. It's not the same as home ownership. I am also now living paycheck to paycheck with a professional job like so many other people in the country. I have been getting caught up in the "I used to haves"and it's preventing me from moving forward one hundred percent. Couple that with a brain that is hardwired to worry, overthink everything, and bring me into a tailspin of swirling anxiety and depression. I cannot truly be happy or continue to move forward if I am caught up in the "I used to haves" because it is taking me out of enjoying the moment and continuing to push forward.
It is also not fair to my partners in my current relationships because they want me walking beside them and not 20 feet behind them dragging this chain of "I used to have this, I used to have that." Can one really plan for the future with someone if you are dragging the chains of the past with you? No, you can't. I see the pain and discourse that It has brought, and it is something that I need to just accept and move on.
By doing this I will be able to focus my energy, on planning the next steps. Things happen in our life for a reason. As shitty of a situation the divorce was, this has, over the last two years give me a chance to really reflect who I am as a person, learn what my values really are and start fresh in an area, although tough to make a living, is an absolutely gorgeous breathtaking area. For the last six months I have been dragging the final chain with me, and it really wasn't until this week that I was able to piece everything together as to what that weight was. The ocean is one of my my favorite things in life, and has always been a place of refuge for me. A place of healing.. This is a rebirth, a seaside rebirth.
-Jacob Marley
The last week has been spent putting things into perspectives. There has been a lot of emotional ups and downs. I continue to read the art of living, and have been watching certain TED talks in order to try to find some insight as to what chains have been holding me back with the divorce. This was all started by the conversations and events with Esther over the last week. I am coming up on the two year anniversary of leaving the house and moving into my own place. When I first moved into my own place, I was hit with the trauma of my life getting ripped away, instantly losing fifty percent of my time with my son, and trying to figure out how I am going to survive in an area that does not offer hope to a lot of people. Trying to cope with those three things was incredibly painful, proving to be the darkest time of my life. For me breaking ties with the ex was not nearly as painful. Looking back on it, and I've said it before, my marriage was dead before we moved back to Maine. I should have seen the red flags. Safe to say that I am ninety percent over the divorce. They say time heals everything so, what has been holding me back?
Since I have been in my own place, I have found it hard to accept the fact that I once had the American dream, the house, the eight foot privacy fence, the dogs, a 401k and was living a comfortable life. I am now not. I now have no place to call my own, sure I am renting. I accomplished my goal of obtaining a two bedroom apartment finally. It's not the same as home ownership. I am also now living paycheck to paycheck with a professional job like so many other people in the country. I have been getting caught up in the "I used to haves"and it's preventing me from moving forward one hundred percent. Couple that with a brain that is hardwired to worry, overthink everything, and bring me into a tailspin of swirling anxiety and depression. I cannot truly be happy or continue to move forward if I am caught up in the "I used to haves" because it is taking me out of enjoying the moment and continuing to push forward.
It is also not fair to my partners in my current relationships because they want me walking beside them and not 20 feet behind them dragging this chain of "I used to have this, I used to have that." Can one really plan for the future with someone if you are dragging the chains of the past with you? No, you can't. I see the pain and discourse that It has brought, and it is something that I need to just accept and move on.
By doing this I will be able to focus my energy, on planning the next steps. Things happen in our life for a reason. As shitty of a situation the divorce was, this has, over the last two years give me a chance to really reflect who I am as a person, learn what my values really are and start fresh in an area, although tough to make a living, is an absolutely gorgeous breathtaking area. For the last six months I have been dragging the final chain with me, and it really wasn't until this week that I was able to piece everything together as to what that weight was. The ocean is one of my my favorite things in life, and has always been a place of refuge for me. A place of healing.. This is a rebirth, a seaside rebirth.
Thursday, November 14, 2019
Skills for healthy relationships
I was doing some research today in regards to being a better romantic partner. Trying to learn from my mistakes. I ran into a TEDtalk with Dr. Joanne Davila. She made some good points. She discussed having insight, mutuality and emotion regulation. Romantic Competence.
Insight- Why are you doing the things that you are doing? with insight you can learn from your mistakes and develop a better understanding for what is right for you.
Mutuality- Both people have needs & Both sets of needs matter. Needing to be willing to meet your partners needs.
Emotion Regulation- Regulating your emotion in response to things that happen in your relationship.
she goes into each point a little more in depth, and has some examples for each one. There is a lot of information in a short amount of time. It's worth the watch.
Insight- Why are you doing the things that you are doing? with insight you can learn from your mistakes and develop a better understanding for what is right for you.
Mutuality- Both people have needs & Both sets of needs matter. Needing to be willing to meet your partners needs.
Emotion Regulation- Regulating your emotion in response to things that happen in your relationship.
she goes into each point a little more in depth, and has some examples for each one. There is a lot of information in a short amount of time. It's worth the watch.
Wednesday, November 13, 2019
A winter wonderland
Well, there it is. Mid-coast Maine has officially been transformed into a chilly, blustery winter wonderland. Storm came through yesterday afternoon, and brought plenty of freezing rain. It seemed to continue through the night, and then the wind came. woke up this morning to a comfortable 19 degrees with about twenty mile per hour winds blowing over the harbor into town. Certainly a way to wake up, especially having to help Lou with changing her tire out in it. Brisk!
I had a better day yesterday when I got home from work than the previous day. This let me focus on unpacking more boxes and installing shelving units in Orion's bedroom. The new place is coming together nicely. Most of the evening was spent however listening to J. Mascis records, reading the book that Esther had given me. While reading the passages in the book she had given me, I noticed there are handful of things that I have heard while growing up. I find that interesting. I look forward to continuing through the book. I have been highlighting passages that I happen to like.
I I had chatted a bit with Esther yesterday through messaging each other. I had let her know when she is ready I had something I wanted her to read ( The items in a paper bag.) I wasn't expecting to have her read it for a few weeks, however she sent me a message last night that she wanted to read it. I got the impression she didn't want to read it. Although she did say it was good. I have always been honest with Esther, and what was in that is straight how I feel through and through from the bottom on my heart. It's hard. I haven't taken any pictures down yet because I don't want to tell Orion. He will be crushed if I tell him. So i'm leaving everything up as if nothing has changed.
It was still cold at lunch time today, but I felt it necessary to make my way down the walking path around the call center into harbor park. The wind was frigid, but the sun felt nice. Especially on my face once I looped around to the board walk and the landscape blocked the wind. The crisp air was nice to breath in. I felt refreshed if only for a brief few minutes before I went back into the building. I'm trying to find joy in the little things in life. Especially since we are going to be snowed in for the next few months.
Tuesday, November 12, 2019
The Art of Living
It's a shame when something amazing gets ruined. Especially when at your own hands. Hind sight is 20/20. She was right though. I let my insecurities from my previous marriage play a role in destroying us. We had a good thing, and I fucked it up. She was pretty, caring, had a fucking heart of gold. She would have done anything for me. She was so good with my son, and my son loves her to pieces. Her kids are great, I continue to be absolutely head over heels about them. She had the wildest eyes to stare into. Last night she came over with my things in a paper bag. I let them sit on the counter for a few minutes, and to tell you the truth I didn't want to open the bag. I wanted to ignore it. But I couldn't. I had a fear that everything that I gave her, or wrote her was going to be in there. Could I handle the rejection for a second time?
There was a few items that were in there. My sons flannel shirt, socks, my sweatshirt - which still smelled like her. I couldn't help but smell that item of clothing. The smell of her and her house, and sage, brought back a flood of memories, and I broke down. I bawled like a baby for about 10 minutes in the living room. All of those memories, time at the beach, car rides, making love, great conversations, holidays, camping. It was a lot to handle. To be honest it hit me harder than getting divorced. The thing about divorce is that I was distraught about getting kicked out, and losing time with my son. knowing that my time with my son was cut in half, and coming home to an empty house on the nights were killer. Silence was deafening. With Esther it was different. We had a real connection. There was substance. The last few months I found myself creeping back into my own head which made it hard to express things (If I love someone, how why do I have a hard time verbalizing it?) My head is my worst enemy. She asked for help and I panicked. I didn't know what I could do.... I never asked her what I could do. If only I would have asked her what I can do to help her. How could I be so blinded in my own head and stupid.
I went back to that paper bag and found a book that was tucked neatly at the bottom of the bag. The Art of Living- the classical manual on virtue, Happiness, and Effectiveness. She hit the damned nail on the head with that one. As much as it hurt to read those words, I knew that it was coming from a good place from her. She wants me to be happy, control what I can control, and to not worry about the rest. The book is based on Epictetus's writings. He was a philosopher who was born a slave. Once he was free (and eventually exiled) he devoted much of his life to studying what makes a person happy and gives them a meaningful life. She had apparently already read the book as there were notes scrawled on the pages and passages underlined. The Ironic thing to this arriving in that paper bag is that last week I was thinking about ordering some sort of self help books. Ahead of the curve, She is continuing to help, even though she has departed. That speaks to her compassionate nature. Under that shell is a kind, loving person. I get why she did. She needs to be stable, not only for her, but for her boys.
I need to be strong. I needed to be strong for her. Now I see her walking the opposite direction instead of us walking together. I started reading that book last night. As much heart ache that I have, I look at this as my time to rise. Become a stronger person, or at least get back to where I was. I feel like I used to be a strong person, but was just kicked and beaten down emotionally over the last five years. I want to be a strong person again, for me, for Orion, for my family........ you fight for the things you love, and this is something I need to fight for.
There was a few items that were in there. My sons flannel shirt, socks, my sweatshirt - which still smelled like her. I couldn't help but smell that item of clothing. The smell of her and her house, and sage, brought back a flood of memories, and I broke down. I bawled like a baby for about 10 minutes in the living room. All of those memories, time at the beach, car rides, making love, great conversations, holidays, camping. It was a lot to handle. To be honest it hit me harder than getting divorced. The thing about divorce is that I was distraught about getting kicked out, and losing time with my son. knowing that my time with my son was cut in half, and coming home to an empty house on the nights were killer. Silence was deafening. With Esther it was different. We had a real connection. There was substance. The last few months I found myself creeping back into my own head which made it hard to express things (If I love someone, how why do I have a hard time verbalizing it?) My head is my worst enemy. She asked for help and I panicked. I didn't know what I could do.... I never asked her what I could do. If only I would have asked her what I can do to help her. How could I be so blinded in my own head and stupid.
I went back to that paper bag and found a book that was tucked neatly at the bottom of the bag. The Art of Living- the classical manual on virtue, Happiness, and Effectiveness. She hit the damned nail on the head with that one. As much as it hurt to read those words, I knew that it was coming from a good place from her. She wants me to be happy, control what I can control, and to not worry about the rest. The book is based on Epictetus's writings. He was a philosopher who was born a slave. Once he was free (and eventually exiled) he devoted much of his life to studying what makes a person happy and gives them a meaningful life. She had apparently already read the book as there were notes scrawled on the pages and passages underlined. The Ironic thing to this arriving in that paper bag is that last week I was thinking about ordering some sort of self help books. Ahead of the curve, She is continuing to help, even though she has departed. That speaks to her compassionate nature. Under that shell is a kind, loving person. I get why she did. She needs to be stable, not only for her, but for her boys.
I need to be strong. I needed to be strong for her. Now I see her walking the opposite direction instead of us walking together. I started reading that book last night. As much heart ache that I have, I look at this as my time to rise. Become a stronger person, or at least get back to where I was. I feel like I used to be a strong person, but was just kicked and beaten down emotionally over the last five years. I want to be a strong person again, for me, for Orion, for my family........ you fight for the things you love, and this is something I need to fight for.
Monday, November 11, 2019
Items in a paper bag
Items in a paper bag,
my clothing smells like you.
Inhale sweet memories,
candle lights, and the melding of two.
A way with words,
right straight from our hearts.
Culminating in that electric spark
of a first touch on that couch,
so long ago.
The mending of hearts,
their journeys entwined.
moving hand in hand,
the final lines of
two finished chapters,
are written.
A new book started,
together as one.
Do you remember, making love?
Third floor window,
under moon and stars
above.
Taking down walls,
to nurture, so pure.
To cover those scars
that we have endured.
Together.
How did it go wrong?
An angel let down.
Words cannot undo
what has been wrought.
Ashamed.
You cried for help,
and I did not hear.
How did I let what we had
get ruined by fear?
Blinded.
What was I afraid of?
too deep in my head.
I should have taken your love
that you gave me instead;
for courage.
You needed strength,
A rock to support.
A foundation to hold
and not to warp.
Broken.
My heart aches
for what could have been
for what could have been
I have failed you dear
and for that, I regret.
Deeply.
The tears that you show,
that stream down your face
are because of me,
and my ghastly mistake.
I'm sorry.
I will become a stronger man,
because it is a need.
I want to have a family,
and I want it to succeed.
Happily.
Reflecting is not easy,
and for this I take the blame
One thing that I do know is
One thing that I do know is
I hope that we can rise again.
Strong.
Strong.
Although it may not happen,
and you may build up your wall,
What we had was special
and we should not forget at all.
Hope.
.
.
.
Thursday, November 7, 2019
New place, more of the same
I finally made it in. Mostly set up and in a place where my son has his own space now. it's nice to be able to put him to bed in his own room now, it's nice knowing that he has a place to go to, to call his own. The over all area, I feel is better. the yard is much bigger, there is a playground next door for him to go to, the street is quiet yet we are right in the middle of town. He has the space to have his friends over if he chooses. Even though he misses the other apartment, he'll come to appreciate this place. It was a long weekend, and the last few days have been long between work, meeting with folks for utilities, parent teacher conferences, and trying to unpack and get his space situated and set up. I am however making progress.
I am now almost thirty days into my first round of prescription for depression. I'm not really sure how I feel, there still seems to be days that are okay, and days that are not so good. I don't know if it's because of the stress of the moving situation or what. I guess more time will tell. so far, no major adverse effects. The time change has been messing with me this week, and it's rather depressing to get out of work and have it be dark. This is only the beginning, at this rate it is going to be a long winter. Better brace yourself, because it's coming like a freight train off it's tracks and when it hits it's not going to be pretty.
I'm tired of feeling this way. I can't shake the horrible feeling of not having a support system up in the immediate area. the feeling of being alone is overwhelming at times. knowing that my house can be so full of joy with Orion here, and then a few minutes later it's completely quiet and empty when he goes back with his mother. It's a pain my heart will never quite get over.
I am now almost thirty days into my first round of prescription for depression. I'm not really sure how I feel, there still seems to be days that are okay, and days that are not so good. I don't know if it's because of the stress of the moving situation or what. I guess more time will tell. so far, no major adverse effects. The time change has been messing with me this week, and it's rather depressing to get out of work and have it be dark. This is only the beginning, at this rate it is going to be a long winter. Better brace yourself, because it's coming like a freight train off it's tracks and when it hits it's not going to be pretty.
I'm tired of feeling this way. I can't shake the horrible feeling of not having a support system up in the immediate area. the feeling of being alone is overwhelming at times. knowing that my house can be so full of joy with Orion here, and then a few minutes later it's completely quiet and empty when he goes back with his mother. It's a pain my heart will never quite get over.
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