A Lesson in Perception

An interesting thing about life is that any specific scenario that is to play out when looked at through the lens by different people can be perceived a totally different way. A lesson that I am learning at the moment. Sometimes actions, though backed by good intentions, can be perceived a totally different way than I am seeing them. Is anyone's perception incorrect? Are they wrong for feeling the way they do about the scenario that is unfolding? One side of the fence sees the scenario playing out because of love and not wanting any more hurt to come to them. The other side sees them being abandoned, and the feeling they were never loved. This of course hurts to hear, but I can't change their perception, and that is their reality of the situation. one scenario, and two different realities that come with it.......

"There are always two people in every picture: the photographer and the viewer."

            - Ansel Adams 

What is an Energy Vampire?

 

An Energy Vampire is  something that I wasn't aware of until I started going through my divorce. Hind sight is always 20/20, right? It wasn't until I was doing research on self help, and trying to find constructive ways to deal with the enormous stress that I was going through that I ran across this term. Now that I am aware of it, or maybe because it's become a more popular term over the last few years, I find myself hearing it more and more. This still may be something that you are not familiar with, but find yourself dealing with. 

    In some instances you may be lucky enough to cut that person out of your life completely, but for those of us who have had kids with an energy vampire, it's not a total loss. There are still some things that you can do to limit the conversation so they don't bleed your dry of emotional energy and you find yourself in a position where you are sick. 

".......What makes energy vampires so toxic is that they can be sources of chronic stress, says Northrup. Especially if the energy vampire is someone you can’t avoid — such as a spouse, a parent or a boss — constantly having your energy drained by that individual is a stressor, she says. “You’re constantly walking on eggshells around that person; waiting for the next shoe to drop.”

And that type of chronic stress is well known to have pretty deleterious effects on multiple systems in the body, including the immune, cardiovascular, neuroendocrine and central nervous systems......

    The more research that I do , the more things hit home and the wider my eyes are opening to why dealing with certain people have been so soul draining and exhausting. It's a battle that, at least for now, I cannot cut out of my life completely (another 8 years and 6 months, but who's counting.)  Energy Vampire and Covert Narcissism can certainly take a toll on their prey. Because the relationship is such a stressor it can lead to immune, cardiovascular issues and effect the nervous system. All of which is not good, especially if you want to be there for your Kids.  How does one actually deal with this. It's hard. For me it's a constant battle. A struggle I live with every day. Some conversations I can negate, and I certainly try to limit my contact with the person. I tend to have my conversations via text or messenger rather than in person. The interesting thing being that I am not the only one having to deal with the unbalanced nature of the Energy Vampire, the rest of their family would be quick to tell you the same. There is some sort of twisted comfort in that, knowing it's not just directed at me, but Everyone. I have included the link below, good read if the concept is new to you as it was for me. 

    

Energy Vampires

it's that time of year, Seasonal Affective Disorder!

The Cycle 

Fire emeralds eternal burn

Casting rays down.

Stoke the embers, to nourish life.

Mountains , rivers and woodlands rife.

Cultivate land and harvest begun,

To Autumn blooming, divergent sun.

Turns frostbitten kingdom, where warmth is shunned.

Frozen in time, through Blackberry winter,

When emerald returns and Wintertide hinder.

Rebirth of life through Fire Emerald cinder.

Stoke the embers to nourish life.

Cast your rays down.

Accomplishments.

    What a difference a few months can make in the course of life. Just as my life was turned upside down over night, I have come full circle over night. Around the Christmas holiday I had all but given up on finding a home for my son and I in the area. Lack of inventory and an influx  of out-of-staters (pukes) flocking to the state of Maine with expendable cash had made the house journey seem unattainable. However, I had put one final offer in on a house that had come up on the market in the small village of South Thomaston. To my surprise the owner accepted my offer and I found myself in a whirlwind of realtors, home inspections, bank appraisals, and mountains of paperwork. All during a pandemic no less. I am now the owner of a four bedroom ranch with an attached garage, workshop and a large deck nestled on an acre of land in between two farms. It was a three year journey, but I have finally accomplished what I set out to post divorce. I now have a stable home for my son & I. 

To stare out into the horse field in the morning while drinking my cup of coffee is a welcome relief. The home closing was a busy time between packing, and working. However, no sooner did I close on the home I had felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. The worry of not finding a place and soon to be priced out of the area with rent prices was now behind me. Most importantly I now have a place where my son and I can make memories that we will cherish going forward. Positive memories. 

Among other things, I feel that Esther and I have never been closer. The hiccup that we had this past December shows me that both her and I have what it takes to make the relationship work. That we are able to talk things out and work on it. That for me is a wonderful thing, I cherish her and her two boys. We are working on transitioning them here full time. It's nice to feel complete again, and to wake up and face life with the person that has been there for me the last few years, a person that knows my heart and has seen me at my worst, and at my best. Overall I feel like everything is going well with the transition. Blending five personalities is no easy task, but things are on a positive path and we are marching forward together as a cohesive unit. 

The weather is starting to turn. The trees are budding, blotches of color are returning to the coast. Patches of yellow, purples, blues and white are appearing in the fields and along the craggy ledges of rock in peoples yards. This is a time of year that I look forward to. Feeling the warmth of the sun on my body is an experience coming out of a long cold and windy winter. It warms the soul and pushes away the blues for a few short months. I see this summer being a continuation of the last few months as far as house projects go. Lots of yard work, clearing, burning, reshaping and carving the property into something that is ours. Colors, warmth, and filling the audible spectrum with the sounds of wildlife, birds, horses the geese that live behind and around the property. I see the lilies in the yard that are blooming and coming to life as a metaphor for my life at the moment. A new life blooming, I finally have a fresh start in a place that is mine, and a family to share it with. 

Looking from the outside In

 I like walking around the city at night in the winter time. Aside from the exercise it's nice to strap on a set of headphones and bomb around the streets in the dark. I've always liked walking when it's dark. It's peaceful, you can clear your head or get things sorted out. I've figured out many of my life's problems while on walks. The other thing that I do enjoy about it, especially in the winter time, are the small glimpses of other peoples lives that you see while walking by houses or apartments. You get to see just a glimpse of where people are at in their lives. Some are sitting and eating dinner with their family, others are watching television, working on art projects, taking a break from doing dishes to give their significant other a hug, while some folks are sitting at their tables working on paperwork or playing cards. With the amount of time that I have spent at the apartment in the last 12 months, it's nice to see these simple, yet wonderful human actions while I am walking by. It was especially nice, however, equally depressing during the holiday season. It was nice to see the family's in their homes, talking, or sharing laughs and drinks. Yet I found myself at times missing my family. the street lights are nice, and some of the folks still have their Christmas lights up, although it's getting fewer and fewer. The glow of the lights was a nice touch, even the folks that are growing pot plants in their windows under black lights. It's nice reminder that there is calm in the world and that people are still human, and even though a lot of folks are quarantining, they are still making connections with their loved ones. Maybe it's just because I want a family. 

The time spent this past week helping out has been a nice reminder of that. I miss the interaction with everyone. The laughs, and excitement, and snuggles. It's nice to know that we are working on things, it's nice  to have open and deep discussion about what we are and where we are going. Of course I realize there are some things that I need to focus on to make me a better partner. 

1. Communicating effectively

2. providing a safe environment 

3. be aware

These need to happen.

Being Erased

 The wounds are starting to heal today, although they remain tender. The band aid that was placed over the wound was ripped off yesterday in an ugly release that had been building up for a while. It was exhausting. The feeling of rejection and being erased was more than I could bare, but something that I needed to see, and feel for the point to be made and really driven home. It hurt, and It was exhausting.  You got to see a side of me last night that very few people in my life have seen. Even though both of us are hurting right now, and even though I felt like I was breaking, and being torn in half in an emotional agony you stayed by my side to help me work through it, you stayed tender & showed me comfort that no other partner has shown me. You never cease to amaze me the ability for you to show love and empathy for those that you truly care about. You have a wonderful soul, and I'm blessed to have you ,at the very least, for now,  a friend in my life. 

Two Energies

I've never connected with a person as I have with you.

Our energies twisting and dancing , embracing each other.

Akin to wisps being carried on the gentle wind. Or,

light beams racing through time and space.

Our souls, playing a friendly game of chase;

Like two children playing on a grassy knoll.

Though apart, I can still feel your glow.

Like, a radiant light that warms up my soul.

That helps to bring healing , a reminder of ;

What was, and can be,

Because of the connection between you and me.

So, let us heal, and come back as one.

Let our passion grow as hot as the sun.

Entangled together we make love in the sky,

while the laughter of two children can be heard

As the wisps float on by.....

Putting yourself out there

You know, sometimes you find yourself in certain scenarios where you need to alter the support that you offer up to people because the scenario has changed. The assistance that you offer a spouse will be different than the assistance that you may provide to a friend or visa versa.  Which I did. I offered assistance based on where the boundary line was drawn. Because I love and respect you. Hell, I even went as far as saying tell me what you need, let me know what I can do to help. I put myself out there. In return I got nothing, except for a few hours later to essentially be told that I didn't offer to help.  I offer to help, and it never seems to be enough. I was upset last night, and am annoyed about it today. At least I was able to communicate it last night, which was hard for me to do. 

sigh.

Go to bed now I can tell
Pain is on the way out now
Look away and domino falls away

I know it's hard looking in
Knowing that tomorrow you'll be back again
Hang your head and let me in
I'm waiting
So long

I was staring into the light
When I saw you in the distance, I knew that you'd be mine
Am I moving back in time
Just standing still

I met a man with a broken back
He had a fear in his eyes that I could understand
I can even shake the hand
Without breaking it

I've been pulling on a wire, but it just won't break
I've been turning up the dial, but I hear no sound
I resist what I cannot change
But I wanna find what can't be found

I'm aware of the time we've lost
Like a demon in the doorway, waiting to be born
But I'm here all alone, just begging

Pull me close and let me hold you in
Give me the deeper understanding of who I am
Yeah, I'm moving back again
I'm waiting here

I'm just pulling on a wire, but it just won't break
I've been turning up the dial, but I hear no sound
I resist what I cannot change, own it in your own way
Yeah, I wanna find what can't be found

Personal goals for 2021

Hitting the reset button the last few weeks has been nice to say the least. the feeling of exhaustion has dissipated. I have had a chance to have some real quality one on one time with my son, and I have made it a point to get outside and go for long walks around town at night. Just me, my headphones, and the cold, dark, crisp winter nights that come with living in Maine. It's been refreshing, and has given me a chance to get some perspective on where I am headed on my soul journey. It's given me a chance to dissect and reflect on the relationships with people whom I love, and lastly it's given me the reset I need to feel a bit more vibrant than I am usually during this time of year. The SAD light coupled with the extra vitamin D that I have been taking may also be aiding in that struggle as well. 

The reflection on myself has been an interesting one thus far. To look back on the last three years and realize how much of an utter train wreck that I was is rather scary to think about. I'd like to think of the progress that I have made instead. The miles that I have traveled to accomplish this was no small feat, and the tears were plenty. The important thing is that I no longer feel black on the inside (yes, I do realize I am not going through a low as I write this, but nor am I manic high.)  The light is getting brighter, and instead of a constant destructive emotional storm, the landscape is starting to become serene. Partly cloudy skies, sunbeams kissing the landscape with a gentle warm breeze rolling across the harbor, with the sounds of laughter from the little eyes that are happy to have his Daddy back.  Of course, there are always things that need to be worked on. Like an old farm house that always has something needing to be done. Maintenance will continue.

Communication is one of those Items that I have struggled with all my life. Music was my escape as a kid. Always donning headphones so I wouldn't have to communicate with classmates that I loathed. Unfortunately, I feel as though because of that escape, coupled with wanting to withdraw due to depression, I stifled my learning of the ability to communicate effectively.  The Ironic part being that I am a communications major who facilitates corporate training classes who has a hard time communicating in my personal life. The thing that really bothers me about it, is that my inability to communicate effectively has hurt people that I love. This in turn hurts others as well as myself. This is something that I am going to have to continue to work on. It will be hard for me, but it needs to be done. The funny thing is since I have really been thinking about that and letting it sink in I have had a few scenarios where I needed to have discussions with family. These conversations where not easy, but they were accomplished. So this CAN be done.  

In other news I need to better regulate my depression & anxiety better. I have been on my current medication long enough where I now have a much better understanding on how it actually effects me. I have contacted my doctor to try to alter the medications that I am on. I find that they work most of the time, however, I find they tend to make me a bit agitated, because of this I find that I can become snappy, or I am more apt to just reprimand, versus reprimand and then educate my son when he does something wrong. This is not fair to him. I know this doesn't help my relationship with him, especially where he is wired to have big feelings. I want to be a father, not a dad. This is not to say that we have a bad relationship, we have an excellent relationship, I just want to become a better leader and mentor for him. 

I have (as well as others close to me) have noticed that behavioral issues have started to emerge with with my little eyes. Nothing major, but issues with not being kind, being sneaky, and lack of respect towards certain people. He has also verbalized that he is having a hard time with the divorce. Because of this, his mom and I have decided it would be a good idea to get him into counseling  to help sort out feelings, and has someone else to talk to besides me and his mom. Better to curb that behavior now than have it continue and explode into something uncontrollable when he is a teenager. I'm hoping for the best. I never went through the situation that he is in, so I can only imagine how confusing it can be. 

My Goals for 2021:

Communication

Managing my depression / anxiety better

Being more patient with my son

Help my son deal with the emotional aftermath of the divorce

Be more active

Sleeping in

I think I can speak to the vast majority of people out there when I say that the 2020 year has been extremely difficult on many fronts this year.  I hear talk from close friends that family life has been stressed, relationships have been stressed, some are out of work, many are tired of the confines of apartment life, and negativity is every direction that you turn, especially politically. I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't had my fair share of trials this year as well.  I will certainly be glad when 2020 comes to and end, and we can welcome a new year. 

I know that things will continue to remain tough for the first few months, but at least there is a light at the end of the tunnel for the turmoil that we have seen. The last few years have been a tough ride, moving back home, divorce, drab little bachelor pads, stressed out about living situations and making things work in the area I moved back to, the feeling like I don't belong in my own space, worrying about rejection, declining health of close family members. however, I am happy to report that after a tough few years that it appears I will be purchasing my own home for my son and I. This has been a goal since moving back to Maine in 2017. I am happy about it, and it will be a good place for my son to balance out and for me to plant my roots to be able to provide for him. Finally, I will have the space to be able to breathe and create again.  I feel a little bit lighter this week knowing that this is now a reality and not a pipedream I'm chasing. At some point I would love nothing more than to fill this home with the laughter and warmth of not only my son and I, but a few others as well. There may be no rebounding from this. 

Relationships are funny. It's one of those life things that you should have had classes on when you are a kid. However, we all know the school systems doesn't want to teach us anything that is actually useful in life. I try to nurture that wonderfully beautiful connection,  put forth effort, try to provide warmth, love , support and worry about not screwing up another relationship, just to watch it unfold. The irony of a relationship being on life support during the year of Covid  is not lost on me. My heart is heavy because of it. I'm tired of my heart being heavy. I'm tired of messing things up, I'm tired of failing, I'm tired of letting people down,  I'm just.......tired.  Maybe I just need to sleep in. 

 

I don't know what to expect for the coming year. I wasn't at all expecting the current year to play out and end as it has. I have experienced panic, sorrow, joy, heartache, and happiness this year. However, I have had the opportunity to wake up  every day, I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, a wonderful son, a wonderful family. I need to accept that what will be, will be. I may not like the outcome, and those are lessons that I have earned.  

Cultural Taboos about suicide and depression.

This ties into my last post. It's a really powerful story. The Stigma needs to change in order to have the discussion. Enjoy.

I'm Good.

Living with depression is something that I have grown accustom to. I have dealt with it on and off through out the course of my life. It was something I was always aware of growing up. I saw my mother deal with it while I was entering my teenage years. My maternal grandfather has anxiety issues, and my paternal grandfather was a manic depressive. I almost missed one of my good friends weddings when I was in my early twenties because of it.  It manifests itself in different forms, sometimes Anxiety, sometimes a dark hole consumes me and I struggle to climb my way back out. It's always the same pattern. Climb out of my hole and ascend to a manic high, then crash within a day or two and enter a world of shadows and cold even though the sun is shinning, this might last a day or a few weeks.
       Most of the time I am able to mask or hide from most of the world what is going on, I can get by with a simple one liner..."I'm good or I'm fine." My girlfriend seems to always know when I am not feeling well. There have also been times when my son has asked me if was okay. He's seven, but he's not stupid. He knows when I am not feeling well. The worst feeling in the world is knowing you are not okay, and having to answer that question that you are fine to your son. He knows I'm sad, but it's not a world that he needs to know anything about right now. I'm afraid it will be a part of his life.

The worst part about it are the games that it plays with your head. It's something that I struggle with. Even on medication  The ways depression effects me.

• Tells me I'm a bad Father
• Tells me I'm a bad partner
• Tells me I'm horrible at my job
• Tells me I'll never be able to afford a life
• Mental pain
• Physical pain
• Feelings of emptiness or despair
• Disconnected (thousand yard stare)
• Intrusive images
• Agitation
• Lower sex drive
• Guilt about my son having to bounce between two houses
• Crying at random
• Isolation / Withdrawing 
• Hard time concentrating

But I trudge through it day by day. Some days are better than others. I mention these things because it's a way for me to process and finally put out into the open and visualize how this effects me. Maybe someone else will see this and realize they are not alone. There is a big stigma with mental health in our country, especially with the male population. We shouldn't be embarrassed, we shouldn't  feel like we need to default to "I'm fine." We should hold each other accountable and have that discussion, as hard as it may be. Those discussions can make a difference, especially when you have little ones watching you.

What do you want your child to remember?

Recent events today had me strolling through youtube and listening to some Tedtalks. This is an interesting listen in regards to building memories and not setting expectations. Hug your child. Make those minutes count. What do you want your child to remember?

I'm just "Dad."

People come and go in life. Sometimes you know them, other times you really don't. Sometimes you realize how much a neurotic mess they have turned out to be. Even though those friendships may no longer be there it is rather sad to witness a perceived decline. The one thing that doesn't seem to change however are the excuses or placing of blame. Negating ownership of their own issues that drag on like a sinking fishing trawler destined for the sea floor. Always pointing the finger. A projection of their insecurities upon others. A reflection of ones self? Probably. 

How does one deal with someone like this, when they are tied biologically together? Sure, one can put up barriers. There is also only so long one can avoid the other.  One normally does not want to find themselves wishing days to pass as our time on this rock is short. However, I find myself counting the days until all of those awkward conversations are a distant memory. The daily or weekly interactions are a continuing punishment for a failed marriage. A constant reminder, as is phantom pain to the amputee who keeps reliving the accident that took his or her limb. 

Over the course of the last few years I have trudged through the pits of hell, dragging myself on broken hand and knee to the sunlight reaching and grasping for any shred of hope to make it through. I have struggled with navigating the waters of parenting my child in a fucked up post divorce situation. Finding out what works best for the connection that my son and I have. Anxiety, depression, second guessing myself, but always owning the situation with as much grace I can muster. Some days are better than others. Point being, is that regardless of the bad days, I have reached into myself to make that connection with my son the best way that I know how. I can only say what works for me. I can't tell you how to parent your own child.

The bitter me from two years ago would have told you that everything you have gone through the last two years was brought about because of your actions. However, I've moved past being a bitter person. Is it your fault that you are a neurotic mess because of how you grew up? No, but it's how you choose to deal with the situation.  Adding unnecessary anxiety to a situation doesn't help either party, especially when the situation is stressful enough as it is and that party is your son. We are divorced, yet here I find myself still helping out. Not because I want to help you, but because I feel bad for him. Through all the escalations we cannot grasp the fact that it could possibly be anything of your doing, so, let's just throw another clinical term out there. 

So, I will keep being there as a rock for my flesh and blood. I'll be there to give him a hug when he comes running through the door. I'll try not to count the days for the next ten years, and I'll continue to pick up the slack for him from any shortcomings that arise in his life. When I can't find a way to reach him, I will try another way and not escalate it, because that's what we are supposed to do.  What do I know though? I'm just "Dad."

Outbreak.

Today is day 17 or 18 of Quarantine from the COVID-19 virus that we have been blessed with. I've been working from home for the last few weeks, and have only left the house to go for a drive out to Port Clyde and to go grocery shopping at one point. We are are supposedly under a shelter in place order until the end of April per state Governor. Today is the 7th, it's going to be a long couple of weeks. Everything is crazy at the moment and no one really seems to know what is going on. We are self distancing as much as possible, however, for the folks that have actually been maintaining their social distancing we are starting to go stir crazy. The balance ( for those of us who still have work) of working and also trying to keep up with our kids homeschooling is proving to be tough. Tensions seem to be on high with a lot of people, neighborhoods are quiet. Thank god for the big yard that we have for Orion to play in. That will be out saving grace i think for the next few weeks. 

There is a weird vibe while on foot in town. You can see the look of panic in peoples eyes as they peer over their face masks. Judging, calculating if the person that they walk past are infected. Everything seems to be falling apart. I feel like we are all running on adrenaline. The crash is going to come for a lot of people. It's weird how fast things can change. Large truck trailers have been brought into NYC to use as makeshift morgues. They are talking about using the public parks in NYC as makeshift grave sites if the cemetery and crematories get over run. There is no leadership at the state or the federal level. It's crazy. They make movies out of this stuff. it's very surreal, and where we are in the moment, I don't know if it will truly hit until everything is said and done to the tunes 100-200 thousand deaths in just our country alone. I've never seen anything like this before. The whole country has come to a halt. The world for that matter. Much of the world is on a lock down. 

Sanitize, wash your hands, sanitize, wear a mask, wipe down your groceries, wipe down your wipes, wipe down the door knobs, disinfect your mail. disinfect your disinfectant. Chaos. Media hype, all at the same time trying to maintain your house, your children, your friendships, your sanity. The eye opening thing has been how the general public has handled the situation. we are not at the point of riots, and general pandemonium, and hopefully we never reach that point. It has come out in the entitlement that Americans have. The hoarding, the defying stay at home orders, the general disregard for the health of the elderly and others they come in contact with. The instant gratification generation cannot be bothered to alter their life for the sake of others. On the flip side it is not all negative, I have seen communities get together to try to help each other out Weather that be shopping for others, pop up PPE stations to assist the healthcare workers on the front line, Keeping people informed of where certain products (Toilet paper, cleaning essentials, etc.) are being located. There has been some good to say the least. I can't wait for this to be over.

Interesting comparison

I heard someone describe everything going on with COVID-19 today as: "they feel they are sitting around waiting to die." I thought to myself, oh good, now you understand how depression feels. 

The bringer of gifts

When going through a divorce, and post divorce I find myself dealing with the aggravating experience of people building relationships with my son. Watching this as an outsider is a rather frustrating experience. I hear talk of them, he shows up to the house with things that this other person has bought for him. I try to be open minded, and I try to make the argument in my head that the more people that support this kid the better, right?  This has been a constant throughout. This is rooted with the person that the ex cheated on me with (if not physically, then certainly emotionally) and has since moved in with. I've mentioned before in different posts that I keep my ears open as this person doesn't have a good reputation around this area. Although I have not heard anything I still keep my ears open. My son refers to him as his friend, and it's like nails on a chalkboard. In my head I'm telling him that he isn't his friend. I feel as though items are being purchased as a way to get into my sons good graces. Is it a jealousy thing, that this person gets to spend time with my son when I don't? I find myself worrying that over time I will be slowly replaced. I find myself worrying about manipulation taking place as other members of his family have been pushed out of his life in the name of  "self healing  and over coming trauma." Am I going to be pushed away or isolated?

It's not that I am proactively thinking about this type of stuff, hell, it's not like I proactively even think about them or that situation. However, when your son is mentioning things like this it's hard to avoid. I try to shrug it off when he is around and show interest. However, it's extremely hard. I'd like to think that it makes me a better person to take the high ground.  I am also aware that it makes me a hypocrite to talk about this as my girlfriend loves my son, and does the same types of things for him. I'm sure it drives his mom nuts, or then again, maybe not. After all, she is the one who decided to break the whole thing off. Does it also makes me a hypocrite because I do the same things for my girlfriends kids? Does their dad think or feel the same way about me? It's interesting waters to navigate, and even though it's been over two years since we have separated it doesn't seem to get any easier in certain aspects, this being one of them.

I try to get my thoughts into check. I find that I tell myself to control the controllables. This is something that I cannot control, so there is not point in wasting energy on dwelling over this. Easier said than done. As my son gets older I hope he is smart enough to see through the bullshit. However, there is that chance that he doesn't see it for what it is. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

The Arbiter.

The ongoing process of self healing and becoming a better person post divorce always seems to have me thinking. Over the last few months, a reoccurring thought has kept coming back to me in regards to the the Music scene and the impact that It had on shaping who I was through my twenties and into my early thirties. I initially got into the local hardcore and punk scene as a form of release and therapy during a time in my life where I did not really fit in. Of course I am referencing high school. Trying to find out who you are, trying to find the place the world where you fit. I was bit by the music bug. I was at the point where nothing that I was hearing on the radio really spoke to me, or I was able to see through the commercial garbage that it was. Once I found the hardcore and punk scene it was easy for me to know where my time was going to be invested over the course of the next two decades.

I attended every show that I could, weather that be in state, or out of state. I made friends. I supported their bands, I was blown away at the fact that I could have a release, an outlet of all the angst and rage that I had inside of me through music, or moshing, stage diving etc. We hit all the shows in state, and whatever shows we could out of state. I was in a band, I wrote a fanzine and I tried to give as much back to the music scene as it gave to me. At the end of the day we were a bunch outcasts, listening to outcast music. Although rather violent in nature, I often took it to be a positive thing. A positive outlet and channel for everything that I felt and was going through in life. Not that I came from a broken home or a bad environment, but mental illness and the every day pressures of life made a confusing world that much more confusing. Finally, it gave me something to believe in.

I find that it reached a point though where it started to become a negative thing. Looking back on it , it was probably the people that I surrounded myself with, and the fact that much of the music is negative. The further I got into the music scene, the more that it started to consume me. I found that I started to turn into someone that I was not. There was a lot of hard posturing, and a lot of negative talk. A lot of shit talking. The values that drew me to the music in the first place had started to become diluted  and dissipated over time. Not that I had turned into a complete asshole, but I became very narrow sighted, and certainly highly judgmental during my time in that particular scene. I had lost sight of why I became part of this in the first place.  It provided me a place to fit in when I didn't have a place to fit in to begin with. Why was I then denying or making it hard for new kids to appreciate the same feeling that I had. Why was I looking down on them as a lesser of a person because they didn't fit my exact definition of what that music was about. What the fuck. I wasn't born with a Minor Threat t-shirt on. I had to learn, and cut my teeth and come up the ranks as well. Who am I to be judgmental?

I'm not sure what caused me to become that in the end. Was it the people that I was hanging around with? Was it the years of negativity? Was it hive mentality and elitism of the music scene? When the fuck did the punk/hardcore scene become serious business? It's not. It's supposed to be about community, and fun. It certainly wasn't in the end. I'm sure I was a jerk to a lot of people, and I shouldn't have been. For that I apologize. Part of the reason that I became part of that music scene is because it gave me a place to go where I wasn't judged, and I became the one judging. A lot of us did, and sadly this many years removed, a handful of those people still are. I see it every day on the internet, or hear it through conversations, or in passing.

I have since removed myself from that music scene, and most of the people that I used to associate with in that time frame. I still hold that music in high regard, and most of it I do not regret in the slightest, with the exception of becoming the person I did in the end. I bring this up, because it's something that I have certainly been working on since my divorce. I've been doing a lot of soul searching, and I am trying to not be a judgmental person  anymore, realizing that everyone's situation is different. That person that just unloaded on you at work might have just lost a loved one, or have received news they didn't want. There seems to be so many judgmental people out there now a days, especially with the political state of our country.  It doesn't make sense to be part of the problem, when you can be part of the solution. 

How does divorce effect children

Another great TEDtalk that has been put up on youtube. I have spent a good amount of time over the last few months talking about how the Divorce has effected me. I have talked a little about how it may or may not effect my child. This is just as an important piece of the puzzle to me as everything else. There are some really good points that are made in this video, and something that hits home for myself.   

Something that is often floating through my head is about how my son will ultimately handle the divorce. I find myself thinking about it fairly often, I find myself watching him and taking note of his behavior, and or times of him being quiet. A common question that is in our household is "How is your heart?" Knowing that he may have a hard time expressing how he is feeling, or he may not know the words to explain how he is feeling makes it easier for him to do so. I struggle with dad guilt because he didn't ask to be put in this situation, yet has to deal with it. 

Trying to curb the negative impacts that can arise from the situation is something that I work hard to accomplish. Typically children of divorce have a higher rate of Anxiety, Self esteem issues, depression, as well as higher rates of divorce themselves as adults and even stressed relationships with their parents later in life than children whos parents did not get divorced (in most cases.) That's not to say that children whos parents who chronically fight and remain together won't have their own set of issues, because they can. The below video is around 20 minutes, but brings some good points to light. 

Surviving Divorce

An interesting Ted talk about surviving divorce and three positive things that you can do to help aid you in your journey of self realization and healing. Step three is the part that really hit home for me. Pulling yourself back together and realizing who you are, what you you do, who your friends are.  connecting to people and activities that help define who you are. It was a fairly painful process to go through, but necessary.  

1. Sleep

2. Cultivate Self compassion

3. Pull yourself back together again

A constant reminder of something better (anniversary edition)

The relationship with my girlfriend has become extremely solid over the last year. She was my rock and the person I would seek refuge with during the year of my divorce. I was also the same for her. Two souls that were going through the same thing at the same time. We were walking through hell together, we were just at different points in hell. without her support I don't know where I would be. we have been hanging out with each other for the last two years, however, we have been officially dating for a year as of two days ago. My relationship with her is different than with my previous relationship in my marriage. She has shown me the way that relationships should be. That there are times for serious discussion, times for laughter, times for intimacy, time to nurture each other, time to decompress. It's very much a two way street. She has been incredibly supportive and has shown me that you are not supposed to be miserable in a relationship, you are not supposed to be so riddled with anxiety that you cannot talk to your partner. We have immersed our families together, and our boys get along together well. It's very much a brotherly situation. We have been introduced to the inner core of each others families. Including her coming on vacation with us last year to Florida. It's been nice, refreshing. A welcomed change to what I was accustomed to. 

We do not get a chance to go out often however because of the schedules that we both have our kids. It seems to be when I have my son, she does not have her boys, and when she has her boys I do not have my son. With that being said we tend to do things as a cohesive family unit. Which is great, but makes it hard for us to have a breather from the joyful chaos that is three boys between the ages of almost four through seven. When we do get quiet time, it is quite welcomed.  Our first anniversary this year fell on a Monday (the twenty-seventh.) Knowing that we really could not celebrate the occasion on a school night we opted to honor it on the Friday before. We didn't go far, we decided to keep it local and stayed two towns up from here in Camden Maine. I am not too familiar with this area as I am not from here originally. She, however, grew up in the town of Rockport and spent her teenage years hanging out in Camden, so she knew the spots. Our plan was to get food and to go back to the room and spend a quiet romantic evening. Let me tell you what, she found the absolute perfect place. It was a cute swanky Boutique hotel called 16 Bayview that was designed after 1930s New Orleans hotel with a modern flare to it. I was totally blown away by the building, the service, and the rooms. We ended up with a street side suite which included a king sized bed, fireplace, large bathroom with a large hot tub and a full glass and stone shower with a shower fixture that looked like it was designed to not only wash you, but scan for bomb residue (like in the airports.) It was wild.  She had fresh flowers ordered for the room, with a card that was made out to Mr. & Mrs. as they thought it was our first wedding anniversary, also a small box of chocolates. This made for quite the laugh. Such a feel good moment. 

Once we were checked in and got over the initial, what I like to call "holy shit" moment we decided to head up the street on foot to pick up the food that we ordered. We hit this Asian fusion restaurant in the heart of town called Long Grains. It was a special occasion, and again, we don't get out much (on average two dates a year) so we didn't spare any expense. Eighty-dollars later (which is reasonable for an anniversary dinner) we walked back down the street arm in arm with a brown bag of Asain cuisine takeout fit for a king and queen.  Dinner included steamed coconut lemongrass mussels, Maine crab fried rice, Chinese yellow noodles, and ginger chicken with mixed mushrooms. we ate with the fireplace going and listened to Mazzy Star. The food was absolutely to die for, I cannot speak highly enough of all the flavors and the quality of the food that was locally sourced. 

We had received complementary drink vouchers, so, after dinner we decided to make our way down to the bar on the first level of the hotel. we enjoyed our blue cocktails on a comfortable couch, before making our way back upstairs to utilize the hot tub and enjoy each others company. The following morning we took a quick stroll outside to the waterfront and pier before going back into the bar to have breakfast and before taking a further stroll down Main street to the stone library before going home. What was nice about this was the fact that we had a good discussion about what we wanted to do, and she took it upon her self to do some research and really try to put something special together for the two of us. It was so nice to be on the other end of that for a change, instead of being the one to try to put something together, and then hear complaining because they had to dress up, and then go back to the house to have them play on their phone the rest of the night. I sincerely appreciated the time and effort that she put into coming up with ideas of where to go for dinner, and she just made the judgement call to get the room (which she got at  a great price due to it being the off season.) It's nice to be on the same page with someone, and recognize that a relationship is a two way street, not just a take most of the time and give a little scenario. She is certainly a good one, has an incredible heart,  and I can't wait to see what the future holds.

Long Grain Camden

16 Bayview Hotel

Living with a person who has Narcissistic traits

Over the last two years I have been trying to not only figure myself out, but also learn from the past. What can I take away from divorce and my situation to learn from as I rise from the ashes. Sure, I'm not perfect, I realize that. There are things that I could have done differently, as to if it would have made a difference, who knows. I have been, however, dissecting the many facets of who I was married to as a person. trying to peel the layers back, and look deeper into that person based on red flags, and research that I have been doing. I have been wrestling with the fact that the person that I was married to indeed is a Narcissist, not a full blown Narcissist, but certainly hitting multiple points. It's an interesting situation because the image that is painted or portrayed is of someone who is empathetic, and, as of now, immersed in the world of  self healing and helping others. At first glance one would think that narcissism is not the case, which is why I have been wrestling with this revelation, and the irony of the situation at hand.

If one does research on the internet you will be quick to find that there are a handful of reasons why one can be narcissistic. Now, everyone has narcissistic tendencies, however there are a handful of reasons that the person I was married to seems to hit.  The constant manipulation and twisting of conversations to her favor, after what I feel was me being gas lighted for the last few years of our marriage. The fact that she was never wrong, ever, and to this day still is not wrong if there is a disagreement. How about the fact that my anxiety is half of what it used to be when I was around her, most of her old long term friends have cut her off, as well as her burning bridges with most of her family for some wrong doing of theirs, never hers (Part of me wonders if her new boo is working the isolation angle as most of her relationships that have been burned or strained have been since he has come into the picture. ) over the years has been and continues to be  judgmental of other people to the point of ruining past friendships. She would get upset if I chose to not respond to her when I knew she was trying to bait me in an argument. That used to drive her nuts, and it still does to this day.  The list goes on, again not all points are hit, but there are plenty that she does hit. 

The weird thing is that all of this stuff never really hit me while I was in the marriage, I just knew something was wrong. It wasn't until we split, that I started paying attention to the other relationships that she was involved in and they were starting to fall apart. I began connecting what other people were saying to my own experiences. I have my own suspicions that she was cheating on me when we moved back to Maine, if not physically then certainly emotionally as she was very quick to move her interest into the house after I moved out. Yet another common trait found among people with narcissistic tendencies.  I have also heard they met at my current place of employment, and then both quit together to ultimately work for another employer together.  I'll never truly know. 
               
What I do find interesting is that through out the years a common conversation was about how her mother was very much the same way, and that she wanted to become nothing like her mother. This seemed to be a reoccurring conversation over the almost 15 years that we were together. It wasn't an every day conversation, but something that came up a few times a year. To hear members of the family mention in the past that she is headed in that direction makes me feel sad for her. So much time and effort over the years talking about what she didn't want to be, and she is headed down that same path. I find that to certainly be about as ironic as ironic gets. It's been interesting having these revelations, and it was certainly painful living in that situation during the last two years of my marriage. I knew that we were drifting apart, my anxiety was off the charts, she started spending more and more time involved with projects, or going to friends houses from morning until later in the evening while I was at home with our son. feeling like I had to walk on eggshells around her . It made it hard to exist. It certainly took a toll on my nerves and my mental health. To the point where it makes me hyper aware of things now and question the things that she does or her motive. on the Plus side, my anxiety is since under control, and the crashing waves of stress from the initial fall out of divorce has subsided. I'm starting to see things more clearly, and still getting used to my new routines, and new life that I have started forging for myself post divorce. I have a great support system. I wish I would have seen the signs, while I was in my marriage. I also failed to make the connection that the traits that haunted her from her mother may also lead into her behavior later down the road. 

if you find yourself living with a person who has Narcissistic tendencies or traits and are not sure where to look or what to do, I have provided a few links below. 

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder
How to deal with a Narcissist

Where is everyone?

The thing that I have learned is that divorce has many different branches to it. Sure there is the direct effect that it has on the two parties involved. It stems out and has direct effect on the families that were initially brought together with the marriage, and it has a huge impact, on the children (if any) that are a product of the marriage as well. A common trend that I have heard from multiple people through out the last two years is that children are resilient. Sure, they are resilient and we hope that the two adults involved directly in the divorce and aftermath are grown-up enough to keep the negativity to a minimum, and ultimately lessen the impact that the situation has on the child. I think that any decent parent would also hope that the circle of support for that child remains a constant from both separate camps as well. At the end of the day it is not the child's fault that the marriage didn't work out. Hell, the child had no say weather they were brought into the world to begin with. The least you can do is to support the child. 

Now, with that being said, I get that we live in a day and age where our society is always on the go. People cannot afford to live unless people are working 40+  hours a week. It's tough for a working family to succeed now a days, let alone a single parent. Time is precious, and things need to get done. People need to prioritize.  However, the things that need to get done also include supporting your developing child emotionally, and being there physically and mentally for them as well. This should always take top priority. 

  I'm starting to get far enough into fatherhood and post divorce now where I have started to notice small things. My son has started to notice small things as well and he is starting to make those connections. We were at his basketball game this past weekend. I of course was in the stands, as always. The holder of the water, the snacks, the jackets, the extra shoes, and of course the supporter, and the encourager (is that a word?)  This was another week of basketball where I was the only one of his family member there for him. He didn't say anything directly to me about no one else from the family being there, however he did mention that his friend had a lot of people there to see her play. which was true, historically she usually has many of her family members in the stands cheering for her.  I tried to spin it back around that I was there for him and that I was excited to root for him in the bleachers. Shortly after the game started and  I noticed that through out the game he was looking into the stands to see if anyone else had shown up, of course no one did. It broke my heart. Life happens, I get it, however there always seems to be  excuses.

Now, I know that it is my job to worry about what I am able to control. I do the best I can to make sure that my son feels like he is supported, whether I am not feeling well or if I have to cancel plans to make sure something happens. Not being there for my sons basketball game (as an example) is just not an option. This goes for anything that he does or wants to do. That might be music lessons, swim lessons etc. As parents we have a choice, we can choose to be in our children's lives, and if we make that choice it needs to be all or nothing.  It shouldn't matter if it puts you out of your comfort zone or encroaches on something else that you would rather be doing. Life stopped being about you when you made the decision to have children, let's start acting like it and show some support because one day it's going to be too late and they will know who was there for them and who was there for them when it was convenient.  As we progress through the rest of the basketball season, and other events this year I hope to see more participation on the part of other people, although I am not hopeful. 

.....Of head-walks and sing-a-longs.

Coming out of the Holiday and New Year season, I find myself drawn to songs and albums that bring me back to a simpler time. A time when I was still cutting my teeth on the music scene, when I was realizing there was beauty in chaos and aggression, that music could be used as a weapon for change and the DIY ethic that came with it. A time before I was constantly tired, and every weekend was filled with friends, stage dives and high fives ( to quote a favorite New England band, I'll let you figure that one out.) Is part of my life. It's Unfortunate, but for a time I was completely burned out on it. Shows every weekend, writing a fanzine, interviewing bands,  starting my own band, playing my own gigs on top of 40 hour work weeks. I have been removed from this music scene ultimately for the last ten years. I have found myself being drawn back to it as of recent.  I think as therapeutic as it was for me as a teenager and into my late 20's it still proves to be a huge part of who I am and a much therapeutic release for me today.

A flood of memories comes back to me from hundreds of shows over the years. Meeting so many wonderful people. So many good times leading up to shows, giving all of my blood , sweat , and sometimes tears ( in the case of the Hatebreed set in New Hampshire at the Bombshelter shortly after my cousin died in the Station night club in Rhode Island.) I think that when I was a kid it was a way for me to feel like I had a place to fit in, a place to quell anxieties that I had at the time. Very much my therapy. I could deal with whatever bullshit I needed to during the week, but on the weekend we were hitting the shows all over New England. I look back on that time fondly and wouldn't change it for the world.

Now a days, it's therapeutic to me in the sense of bringing back good feelings. If i'm having a hard time I know if I put on, say,  Terrors "Lowest of the Low" album, or Strife's "in this defiance" album that it's an instant mood changer for me. The aggression of those albums, and the great memories that they bring back to me are monumental.  who every says aggressive music cannot be positive is full of shit. These feelings have been elevated for me over the last week with the announcement of the Death Before Dishonor show at Genos in Portland. A lot of old heads are going to be coming out for the show, and my best friends band will be opening up for the show.

This will be big for me as well in the sense that this is the first time in 15 years that I will be going to a hardcore show without my ex-wife. To be honest it's a little weird as she was always with me. So, I feel that this is really the final step to leaving the old life behind. I'm being reborn in the sense of gravitating back towards the music scene I cut my teeth with something that meant so much to me, and something that truly made me happy, with a woman I love that also makes me happy, and will be surrounded by friends that make me happy as well.  I was extremely moved that my girlfriend wanted to go to the show, because she knows how much this world and life meant to me and helped define who I am as a person.  It's nice to continue marching forward with someone who is truly into it and not going through the motions and to be able to share something so special with someone special.

Coming to an end

As the year comes to a close I can say that a lot of personal progress has been achieved on a personal level this year. I am in a much better place that I was last December at this time, and certainly since the December before that. It has been two years since I was at the beginning of the worst period of my life. I have crawled out of the hole and am now standing much taller that I was.  I find that I am still adjusting, and find myself at times thinking about that. We have officially cleared the Christmas holiday, and where I did Have Orion on Tuesday for Christmas, yesterday just wasn't the same without having him there. I was lucky enough to have been surrounded by my girlfriend and her family, and was invited over to her mothers house. It was nice to be included family dynamics again. However, there was a part of me that was vacant because I wasn't around him.

I am am proud of how much I have achieved in the last two years. I know what I am made of, I have seen some pretty incredible Highs, and I have seen some equally scary lows. I feel like I have become much more in tuned with myself, and I have done a lot of self discovery, and know myself on a multitude of levels now. I am able to recognize things about myself that needed to change, and learn to not dwell on the past. To let things go, and control what you can control. By letting things go I have been able to control what I focus my time and energy on, but also put myself in a position where I am not being hypocritical in my healing. Not making myself out to be the victim. When the divorce first started I wanted very badly to play the victim card, which I did. Rightly so to a point. However, I'm moving on. I'm not holding onto what was. I think people are to comfortable playing the victim, I see it with friends and former family. They hold on to things when there really isn't a point to anymore. When your fifteen years into holding onto something you just come across a bitter. Which, is rather sad.

We are approaching the time of the year where people will be preaching for personal change and resolutions, of which some will achieve and others will fail miserably. I hope for your sake, if you are reading this and are thinking that you are going to make a change, or heal from something that you achieve what you are looking for. I hope that 2020 brings some sort of solidified healing for you, that you are able to let things go , and that you are able to learn a few things about yourself in the process. whatever that may be.

 With the new year approaching I need to compile a list of goals I want to achieve this coming year, something to focus on besides the every day normalcy. Goals in my career, relationships , and other personal goals. I think 2020 will be the year for me where my feet get fully planted underneath me.

Top releases for 2019

I found it hard keeping up with music releases this year. Between working full time and being a single dad half the week it's been hard to keep track with the sheer amount of releases that have come out. I have listened to a quite a bit of new music, but I feel most of the stuff that has come out is just rehashed versions of stuff that came out twenty years ago. Anyway here is my list of my favorite releases for 2019. Some are full lengths, some are EPs. I'm interested to hear your thoughts. Keep in mind I didn't rank these, so they are in no particular order.

Fuming Mouth- The Grand Descent
BBB Records
This album is brutally heavy. Not in the sense of breakdowns, but in a noisy atmosphere combined with harsh vocals and some incredibly heavy riffs. This is a fiery combination of Death Metal, Hardcore and D-beat. Killer stuff.  

Mamiffer- The Brilliant Tabernacle
Sige Records
It goes without saying that I have been a HUGE fan of ISIS for the last twenty years. So knowing that Aaron Turner of ISIS fame has been part of this project  always has me intrigued. Another beautiful release by his partner in crime. beautiful piano passages, ambient noise, and haunting vocals on this record were captured. However I find this album to have a over all bright feel to it. 

Glitterer- Looking through the Shades
Anti Records
Holy shit. what to say about this record? The twenty year old Matt would have hated this album. It's short. It's Ironic, and fucking catchy as hell. This is a masterpiece of punk-ish synth pop, with simple bass lines. This is one record I cannot get out of my head this year.

Fiddlehead- Get my mind right
Run for Cover 
This band helped me through some really hard times. Coming from a deep rooted love of the New England hardcore scene I have the utmost respect for Pat Flynn. Although only a single, this became a easy top favorite release. Think a modern version of Fugazi. 

En Minor- On the Floor
Housecore Records
Great single release by Phil Anselmo, as well as Jimmy Bower of Eyehategod / Down fame. Mellow , depressive, hazey. I feel that this could have a been a b-side on the first DOWN record.

Baroness- Gold & Gray
Relapse Records
Another good release by these guys. The album received some negative reviews because of the mixing and mastering. Artistically these guys have always done what they want, they are clearly moving in a direction opposite of the Red & Blue records. This record is decent effort on their part. I was excited to hear this when they announced it was coming out. 

OM- Live at the BBC
Drag City 
Sure it's been a long time since the release of any studio stuff from OM. however, with the resurgence of interest in Al's other band SLEEP, it made sense to capitalize on serving a new offering to his fans. There was some push-back on this release as they thought it was a money grab. Say what you want this release captures an incredible live studio sound. The mix is great, each instrument has their own space to breathe without over powering each-other. Some great bass tone. The songs have taken on a life of their own developing and changing over time. excellent release.

Sleep- Live at Third Man Records
Third Man Records
What a juggernaut of a release. 4xLP spanning Holy Mountain through The Sciences. Massive sounding record. This album was mixed and cut live. If you want to know where the wall of sound for 2019 is, here it is. This record will not disappoint. 

Vials of Wrath- Dark Winter Memories
Flowing Downward
The newest release from solo Un-black Metal artist. Solid record. Nothing genre defining, but it is well done.

Falls of Rauros- Patterns in Mythology 
Gilead Media
Maine based Black/Folk metal outfit hit us with another great release.  Abrasive and cold, again, nothing genre defining, but these guys do it well. They have stepped up their game with their lead guitar work. some seriously good solo work, and excellent guitar tone through out. 

Alcest- Spiritual Instinct
Nuclear Blast
Pioneers of the Black Gaze genre. These guys did an excellent job of conjuring up heavy atmosphere and emotion on this release. Everything that you have come to expect from the french metal band. 

The Hypocrisy of self healing

It seems that in this day in age everyone is talking about self help and self healing. You might hear it at the water cooler, or at the gym, or in social circles while you are out. You virtually cannot go anywhere on the internet without seeing some sort of meme talking about self help or self healing on Instagram or Facebook as well as newsfeeds. How many articles about self healing are at a click of a button through blogs, or media. I think self care is wonderful, and I think that it certainly serves its purpose for a lot of people. Personal growth is something that we all need to go through. Throughout the course of your life you need to heal from certain traumas, or just grow as an individual to reach the next phase of your life.

With that being said you also need to practice the things that you are preaching about. Being mindful of self help and self care over the last few months, I have kept track and tabs of the things that people are posting on the topics and what they actually end up doing. One of these happened recently. This person, for the last two years, has been extremely vocal on the internet about protecting yourself from toxic relationships,self healing, and being kind to other people. However at the same token, is publicly making fun of people that were in their life fifteen years ago,  because of some wrong doing that had taken place. Clearly, they are still holding on to things that happened ages ago. Can you really preach to other people about self progress, when you clearly cannot let the past go? Can you really preach about being kind to others when in fact you are being the opposite of that, and doing it when it fits your agenda?

 I am guilty of the same thing. I too partook in the same type of behavior for years with this person. It wasn't until the last two years, where I have done some serious re-evaluating of my life, and who I am as a person that I said to myself "why do I still even have something against this person?" I have since apologized to them for my behavior over the years, and have since mended fences. What gets me is that we used to be great friends before this other person came around and ultimately ended up sabotaging the friendship, which seems to be a common trend through out their life. What about your children, how are you going to set the right examples if you're talking about one thing, and practicing another. 

Food for thought. This is something that has rubbed me the wrong way. Yet another façade, a smoke show. In this current age of technology people are way to caught up in making themselves look good, and painting a picture of their lives.Self help is great, but how many people who preach this, In reality,  are miserable? Self help? Sure, if you say so...…..but clearly there hasn't been much mental maturity over the years as you're in the same spot you were all those years ago. It's simply a reflection of yourself upon the people you are insulting through your hypocrisy. But,  I'm sure it does wonders for how many people "like" your posts though.

The Christmas Spirit

It's hard to believe that the Christmas holiday season is well underway already. I'm not quite sure where the year has gone, but it flew by. It seems that Summer arrived to Maine late this year. The entire month of June was rainy and cold. Warm weather didn't make it to us until the Month of July.  Now that we are here in the middle of the season, the days are getting shorter, the air getting colder and the mid-coast isolation is about to set in for the next few months. It's been hard to get into the Christmas spirit this year, mainly due to illness that I have not been able to shake for the last 3 weeks. I have, however, decorated the apartment with what I can, mainly for Orion. After all, that's what it's about, correct?  

The holiday season has been difficult for me since the separation and divorce. Although I am thrilled to be able to have my son during the holiday season, It's still a reminder to me that I am not going to be with him the entirety of it. I'll only get to see him excited for half of the holiday season. I make it a point to continue the traditions that I started with him when his mom and I were together. We set the Christmas tree up thanksgiving weekend, I let him pick out an ornament (this year it was the golden snitch from Harry Potter.) We watch all the usual Christmas movies. The Grinch, Frosty,  Rudolph, and the Muppet Christmas Carol. We do the Advent calendar and the call from Santa etc.   I know the important thing is the time I do spend with him, and the values that I instill in him is what matters. However for me, it comes down to having half the time with him. 

This year we did sponsor an elderly woman for Christmas. I wanted to do something with Orion that shows or solidifies the fact that you should do nice things for other people. The person we are sponsoring was through the place I work, and through the Salvation Army. One of those Christmas trees where you pick the tag off the tree and it tells you a little bit about the person and what they are asking for. I figured that all the little kids would be taken care of, and that the older folks would be looked past. So I decided to take the card for the 87 year old woman, who wanted a lap blanket and lotion. Orion and I took a trip to the store to pick out fleece fabric and lotion. We then made our lap blanket and I brought everything into work where the Salvation Army will come to pick up and distribute to The person we sponsored. While making the blanket I tried to explain to Orion that sometimes the elderly are on a limited income, or they may not have any surviving family, or family that want to visit them. I think he got the point.  It's nice to have a son that has as big of a heart as you do. It's a good thing to witness, and I will always love him for this. 

Today, while reading the Art of Living, this was one of the topics. I thought it was fitting. This is something that should be practiced through-out your daily life,and not just during the Christmas or holidays seasons. If you have the impulse to help a stranger or friend and family member out, then do it. Don't ignore it. 

Mistletoe

The smell of food, 

and candles fill the air.

I've hung the mistletoe,

but there's no one here.

I miss you. 

The end of an era

I want to take some time away from the general topics at hand and talk about the end of an era. After thirty five years of insanity, and a right of passage for many metal heads over the years (including myself,)It's time to say goodbye to a genre defining insanity machine.  I am of course talking about the final show that Slayer played the other night in LA. I however did not make it to the show, but I was lucky enough to have seen them on the first leg of their final tour last year with Lamb of God, Testament, and Anthrax. That show was my ninth or tenth time seeing them over the course of my life, and it was a bittersweet moment for me. As one of the bands that helped to pioneer extreme metal, and was also one of the gateway bands for me to get into extreme metal. The raw energy they still captured, and the heart they still put into their show was incredible. They still brought to the table what captured my attention so long ago. Raw unbridled relentless energy.  The best part about their final set that I saw wasn't about the set list. Sure they played some show stoppers like Dittohead, Mandatory Suicide, Black Magic, Postmortem, Seasons in the Abyss, and Angel of Death (with a touching backdrop to Jeff Henneman.) The best part was being surrounded by my friends, my friends that went with me to war  at Slayer shows many times through out the years and lived to tell about it. Standing next to them, while we were taking it all in. 

See, when I was a kid (before the internet took off) you always heard wild stories while standing in line at concerts. About the sheer carnage, or violence at shows. People stage diving not off the stage, but off the balcony's. The commonality was that the craziest shit always happened at Slayer shows. Slayer fans were fucking crazy. Nailing their tongues to trees to win Slayer tickets during radio contests, carving Slayer into their arms, back and heads (which became famous due to the Serenity in Murder CD single artwork, and the Live Intrusion VHS.)  So when it was my first time going to see Slayer, it was a mixed bag of emotions and feelings. I was excited to see them, and I was also scared to death because you never new what was going to happen at a Slayer show, or if you were even going to survive. 

Some notable experiences were Seeing them at the Tattoo the Earth Festival in Boston outside while the sun was setting. One thousand water bottles flying in the air because of a massive water bottle fight the crowd was having. Seeing them at the Extreme Steel Tour and being part of a line of people that was rushing security to get down onto the floor. Watching the guys in front of the charge running down the stair case of the Worcester Centrum and leap down at least twenty stairs to tackle security so we could all make it down to the floor. Once we were on the floor seeing waves of people around the Centrum charging down the staircases and doing the same thing because being stuck in the seats at a Slayer show is NOT an option. Seeing them on the God hates the world tour shortly after 9/11 took place and spraining my ankle during Postmortum. How about the coincidence that their album God Hates Us All was released on 9/11. Watching them play the Reign in Blood album in it's entirety with their original line up. On their final run watching them break into the intro to Raining Blood for the final time brought a tear to my eye, and looking at my best friend with that look on our face that we will never see this song played again live. Sure, we may see some sub-par rendition of it played by a local band, but it's surely not going to be the same. Slayer always seemed to find a way to push boundaries, sonically, lyrically, and with their imagery. Always singing about the darker things in life. Slayer was not just a show, Slayer was a right of passage. 

It's hard to believe that a band that has been around for the entire duration of me being into extreme metal is finally done. As happy as I am that they get to stop the grind, and be with their families and take the time to do the things that they want to do, I am also saddened as a staple to the genre of music I was so heavily into is over. So, here is a thank you for all the wild times, and memories that you guys have provided over the years. They were some of the best times of my life and I wish you all the best in the future.Here is to all the insane stories I heard about Slayer shows as a kid. Here is to all the awesome people I met over the years at their shows, and their insane fan base across the world.  Here is to Gary Holt for having to fill in a massive roll for Jeff Henneman after his passing and doing so with grace. Here is to Tom Araya, who took the time on each night of the final campaign to stare out into the crowd and take it all in. I know you will miss it, you will miss the legions of fans across the globe that you amassed over the years. Last but not least...

FUCKING SLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAYYYYYYERRRRRR!

Slayer- Angel of Death - November 30th , 2019. The Forum- Los Angeles, CA.