It's a go

Tonight was a good first session with the therapist. I think that it's going to go well. It was typical intake stuff, but I was able to get a good read on her and I felt comfortable talking to her. I'm looking forward to to getting into the meat and potatoes of everything I need to work through. It'll be a journey It was nice to get some stuff off my chest tonight anyway. I'm not sure where we are going to start, but both her and I certainly have our work cut out for us. My first homework assignment is to be self aware of where I am feeing these feelings and report back to her. Other than that it was a pretty low key day. I was able to go out jogging again tonight. For now it's gelato, Eldamar, and a hot tub. 

First day of therapy

I have my first therapy appointment today, I hope it goes well and that I feel comfortable with the person. I'm looking forward to starting this, I have a lot that I need to work through. Not only with this recent breakup, but just a lot of loss and trauma to deal with. Connections are being made and the truth will be revealed. The post that I wrote the other day was really eye opening to me regarding all of the things that happened just last year. That's not even factoring in childhood stuff.  I'm so twisted over the ending of this relationship right now. I feel like it has me questioning everything about myself. Some days are better than others. I had that churning burning ball in my stomach all day yesterday. I'm out of tears, I'm just left with that dull constant ache.  It had me researching attachment styles the last day and a half to try to figure this out. I try to stay busy to keep my mind occupied. You always come back. when I do get you out of my head,  you creep back again, and then I find myself doing push-ups to get you back out of my head. I broke down the other night and invited you over, I know I shouldn't have. I knew you weren't going to come over. Is it wrong of me to admit I was hoping you would, so you could take your frustrations out on me during a much needed release?

Research list

I developed a list of things that I want to either start or continue researching. I'm putting it here so If I lose my physical list I have a backup. I'll be crossing them off as I research them. 

- Reactionary decisions w/ anxiety

- Trauma Bonds vs. Soul Mates

- The art of letting go

- The happiness mindset

- Moving Forward

- Having hard conversations

- Self forgiveness

- Boundaries

- Open Communication tips

Your inner child pt. 3

For those that are wondering if they have a wounded inner child. Here's a A fairly short video that may be able to help answer the question for you. One would imagine that everyone has some sort of wounded inner child. I wouldn't think that anyone would have made it out of childhood unscathed. I think the question would be to what level of wound has everyone sustained. 

Things suddenly snap into place (holy shit)

I'm taking a break from work at the moment. I had a hard time concentrating this morning, so I figured that I would change up the scenery. I took a shower, packed my stuff up and went down to Rockcity to work for a few hours. It was nice to get out of the house. I treated myself to a Rueben sandwich, seemed like the right thing to do since Monday - Wednesday most of my meals consist of grazing on what ever is available.  A handful of nuts here, some snap peas and hummus there, protein shake etc. It was nice to be around people, even though I wasn't interacting with them. 

I continued to work on my ASPPA certification course that I am currently enrolled in, however, I found out pretty quick that my mind was just wandering, and I kept having to try to refocus. needless to say I wasn't getting much accomplished. I entertained the thought of letting my mind wander a bit, as I've been doing some seemingly endless work on deciphering what went wrong. It really just dawned on me how incredibly stressful of a year it was last year. I knew of everything that was going on as each piece came into play, but it seemed like I didn't have any time to reflect before the next thing happened. No wonder I couldn't hold my shit together, no wonder I had a ton of issues with stress, severe brain fog, disorganization, communication, sorting feelings out. I've been searching for a reason,it just seemed like it snapped into place for me today. 

The beginning of the year saw the passing of my Memere (my fathers mother.) Where I wasn't all too close with that side of the family (due to distance,) I was saddened to see her pass. Shortly after that my girlfriend and her kids moved out of the house due to a number of things, but the major reason at the time was due to a reactionary decision I made which was purely based on anxiety. Was this the only reason why our relationship failed? No, it wasn't. Could our relationship have been saved even if we tried to work through this situation? I'm not sure. Why the fuck didn't we go to couples counseling? I don't know....

As I write this tomorrow is the 1 year anniversary since I lost one of my most favorite people in my life. My Grandmother. After a rapid decline in her physical and cognitive ability she passed away in her sleep finally succumbing to Parkinson's disease. it was a traumatic thing for me to see this happen, and hurt my heart every time that I saw her. I was incredibly saddened to lose her, but I was happy that she was no longer suffering. I look at the photo on my wall daily of me walking her over the sand dunes in Florida. This was the last time that I saw her where she was close to the person that I once knew. Every time I look at this I see it as a metaphor as helping to escort her to the afterlife. 

Things in the family had been high stress surrounding my Grandmother as my Grandfather had been stirring shit within the family for the previous two years, pitting both sides of the family against each other. Two months after my grandmothers passing we lost him. What he actually died from is hard to say. He was hospitalized due to complications of heart failure, however, he contracted covid while in the hospital, so that may officially be his cause of death. I haven't seen his death certificate, so I have no way to tell what the actual cause was. Even though things were bad within the family for the last two years, his passing still impacted me. He loved his grandkids and he was always good to me growing up. He had a lot of anger going through him those last two years due to the split between him and my grandmother. Being 88 years old, and living in an apartment alone, he had nothing better to do than become bitter and resentful. I can somewhat relate to his situation as I had a lot of bitterness and resentment during my divorce as well. The difference between him and I is that I worked through the anger, and have not let is over take my life and consume me. 

No sooner did the funerals for both of my grandparents take place we had to put our dogs down. Spanky contracted cancer, and Lola had the start of  respiratory failure. We opted to put them down before they suffered to much. you can read more about Spanky if you want in another blog post that I have. He was a great friend to me, and even though the last 5 years of his life I wasn't able to keep him in my care, i looked forward to the times that I was able to see him. he was a great companion over the years. 

If we fast forward to the end of the year. We found out that we lost a baby, my little girl who I always wanted. This was just soul crushing. This lead directly into my brother in law having a Major stroke which almost took his life. The doctors still don't know how he is alive. That rocked our family, and watching my kid sister have to go through something like that while I am sitting 1600 miles away was hard for me. I was powerless to really do anything to help her at the time. ( I will be going down at the end of next month to help her with my nephews.) 

Each of these I saw, and felt, and accepted as they came. Due to the immense stress stemming from tension in relationships, loss, grief,  By the time the summer came around I was in a heavy brain fog, which was effecting my daily life, my work life, friendships, relationships & and we hadn't even reached the 2 other major events of the year. Let's take a quick look at how this breakdown.  

Memere dies + My family moving out + Grandmother dies + Grandfather dies + family dogs put down + house flooding+ Losing my baby + almost losing my brother in law + Depression + Anxiety + Job stressors + Fatherhood struggles + Financial struggles =  no. fucking. wonder.

This was a crushing year, this would have been enough to cripple most men i would think. I spent all of last year beating myself up, severely, guilt, sadness, anger...... Did I make some rash decisions, yes I did. Do I wish I would have made some different choices & decisions? I absolutely do 100%.  I admit and I accept that. However, I need to realize and accept that this was an incredibly difficult year (Even harder than the year I got divorced,) and I need to treat myself with some sort of tenderness and grace. stop beating myself up and forgive myself.  How I didn't really put all of this together and add it up to see what this equated to is beyond me. I think I kept on moving forward as a coping mechanism. That's the only way that I could see how I made it through. Make it through one shitstorm before dealing with the next one. I'm really interested to see what my Therapist has to say about all of this on Wednesday. That's fucking heavy. I wish that others could recognize that....

Despite all of the loss and craziness that happened last year, I was at least still able to find some beauty. I enjoyed the weather last summer, I was able to start jogging and did it on a fairly consistent basis. Lost enough weight to no longer be borderline diabetic,  Had a great time on our family vacation in Florida. I also shared an amazing weekend in NH with a beautiful person, in a beautiful place. I'm proud of myself for being able to see that, because sometimes when the going gets tough, and the stress, depression and anxiety kick in, it forces me to get into my head & then I focus on the negatives. Amongst all the death there was some beauty. 

Fernalds Neck

    Last nights BBQ was a good time. The weather turned, so it was a bit chilly as the night carried on. Food was good, the kids got to play in the yard and use the outdoor hot tub and I met a few new people. It was nice to have adult conversation, laugh, and have a few beers by the fire. Today was rather low key. spent some time catching up with family, and was able to meet up with my old friend who happened to be in town for the weekend. We hit up a Fernalds Neck out in Lincolnville. Awesome hike, great wooded trail, tons of huge trees, great view over Megunticook lake. A lake that I have been to a hundred times, however this was a whole other area and perspective that I have not seen yet. 

    The interesting thing is that I have driven by the road a hundred times on my way to Belfast and never knew that there was a hike at the end of it. We only did one trail, so I plan on going back to do the Orange trail next. Pretty easy hike but the whole hike was gorgeous. We spent the hike catching up and reminiscing the old days when we were road hardened show goers. Overall I am super glad that we were able to meet up.

 I headed back to South Thomaston an old familiar way. I probably should have traveled a different path as I immediately was flooded with memories, and a lot of feelings. I had a anxious fiery pang in my chest, it's been with me most of the afternoon. I'm exceptionally horny tonight. I just want to get dirty with you. ugh. This is so hard. Tub is definitely on the agenda tonight.  

 

Your Inner Child pt. 2

 I found a pretty neat resource on youtube that explains some pretty complex issues in a easier to understand format. This is proving to be useful and is opening my eyes to some things. To continue with the inner child concept that I am working on absorbing I wanted to share two short videos. The first one is about how what you experience as a child shapes your love style. I'm 100% the pleaser. I think this stems from growing up in a household with a father who was military who needed things done a certain way, and, to me, nothing could ever be done good enough. whether it be chores, or being compared academically to my sister. I have partial memories of me giving things to my parents or being overly friendly, specifically to try to earn that feeling of acceptance. 

This absolutely ties into what I do in my relationships. I want to make my partner happy I want that feeling of acceptance and love, so I will do anything to help. I find myself picking up extra slack around the house, alter plans last minute if they need help etc.. I do realize that this is to a fault as sometimes I do so much that I don't stop and this leads to burnout. 

This second video is about how your childhood experiences shape your personality. I find these to be pretty interesting and I find myself being comprised of a different elements across different categories. There is going to be one other video that I will post regarding having a "wounded inner child," but that's for a different post. 

 Are you able to determine which ones you are? If so, I'd be happy to hear about it. feel free to leave comments. You can find the youtube channel down below. I recommend checking them out. they have hundreds of videos covering all sorts of different topics. If you have something that you are trying to work through, you'll probably be able to find it here:

Psych2go youtube channel

The Sunny Days

The weekend! I slept in today, until 8. it was nice to stay wrapped up in the blankets and not have to rush this morning. I was able to catch up with my sister, which is always nice. I find that the older we get the better of a relationship that we have. I'm looking forward to going out there next month to help her with my nephews. Did a few quick errands, shipped out some mail orders and stopped at the record shop to fill the bins. Had a nice conversation with a guy that was flipping through records when I went in. He was stoked to find a copy of The carpenters for his wife and an REO Speedwagon record. Once I made it back to the house, I found myself with the opportunity to be kid free for a few hours today so I took the opportunity to head out to Port Clyde. With sun out, it just seemed like a good idea to head out for a drive. I had a chance to stop in at one of my favorite roadside stands on the way and picked up a fresh loaf of Molasses & Oat bread, as well as some home made BBQ sauce (I was going for the hot sauce, but they were out.)

 Next stop was to drift in beach where where I found myself a nice spot on a rock and continued reading the book that I am in the middle of. The book is called the hilarious world of depression. Kind of like a memoir of some ones experience with depression while growing up. This was one of those "read 1 paragraph on the back cover to see if you'll like it sort of things." I decided to take a chance on it. Turns out it's pretty good. I find myself having a lot in common with the Author. Childhood trauma, and the feeling of not fitting in slowly turning into depression, finding his outlet through hardcore punk music like Black Flag & the Freeze. that was a nice surprise as it didn't mention anything of the sort on the back cover. Interesting enough I was in a conversation yesterday about channeling my sadness and anger into that kind of music when I was growing up.  It was nice to soak in the sun, the warmth felt nice. The ride home was spent jamming tunes and singing along. I noticed that I have started getting goose bumps again when I listen to music, I love the Euphoric feeling. I missed it and I'm glad it's back.

I was invited to a BBQ later today, so I figured this is a chance to get out of the house, and maybe meet some new people. At the very least, I can eat a burger and talk about music & records with James. I received and email from my old high-school friend John, he said he is going to be in town and  staying at the Tradewinds this weekend. Hopefully tomorrow we can link up and maybe go hiking. would be nice to say that I actually had established plans ALL WEEKEND aside from the usual chores and puttering that I find myself doing.  Tonight I think i'm gonna treat myself to another tub, might even splurge and get the bubble bath i'm so fond of. May attempt another contact of my younger self tonight to let him know he is loved and safe. 

Your Inner Child pt. 1

 This is going to be quick because I'm tired, but felt compelled to update. After copious amounts of research this week, and a common theme of reaching out to your inner child. I decided to do just that. I won't share the letter here as there was information that I divulged that I was actually able to express out loud for the 1st time, and it's not something that I want going public. I was proud of myself though for holding it, staring at it and accepting it for what it was. the point of this letter was to let the 10 year old version of myself that is scared know that he is loved and cherished. He matters and is worthy. I read through it many times today with the intent of this letter permeating my conscious so he could hear it. 

Where it has been an emotional week, tonight I decided to fill up the tub, took some cannabis oil, put on some 432hz healing music and closed my eyes. the intent aside from relaxing was to wander the corridors of my inner self and try to find 10yr old Matt. I'm not sure how long I was trying to find him, I do know that I didn't find him and I was jolted out of it. I'll try again this weekend. I did lay in the tub for a bit and reflected on the week, and conversations had. My mind wandered off at one point and started thinking about the nights we had. I snapped to mid fantasy and realized what I was thinking. God i'd love to have just one more night with you.... 

Female Covert Narcissism

I've been going down the self help rabbit hole with podcasts, books and reading. I feel like there is never enough information in regards to Narcs. Helpful information for those who a questioning who their partner is. 

 

Soar

Today

I threw my hands in the air,

and, I let you go,

so you can fly. 

The world is cruel,

but my love is not. 

I will miss you.

Soar. 

Bean

Something I wrote a back around mid October. You'd be arriving in two more months. I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I'm not well. Maybe you could be with me, just for a little while. 

I never thought I would be in a position in my life where I would be writing a letter to my unborn child. I know you were only a few weeks old, but I believe life starts at conception. You were only the size of a bean, but you were on your way to becoming a major part of my life in just a few short months. I won't have that chance to meet you.

    I said I believe life starts at conception, but I also believe the unborn choose who they want to be with. I take comfort in the fact you know who I am. I'm your father. Although I was not planning on having you , you chose us. I'd be lying if I would say I wasn't scared. I was, but I knew that I would have made it work I would have found a way to be a good father to you. I always wanted a daughter. I'm not sure if that's what you would have been been, but I can imagine.

    You were created out of love. Your Mother is very beautiful and I have no doubt you would have followed in her footsteps. You would have had 3 brothers. All different in their own right, but full of love. They would have done a wonderful job of protecting and looking out for you. you would have been surrounded by love and you would have provided the same to us. I've spent the last few weeks wondering what you would have looked like. What your interests would have been, what and or who you would have turned out to be. I didn't get a chance to meet you, but I love you. I love you because you are a part of me and because I love your mother. Even though you were to small to have a heartbeat, your heart would have been big and you would have been able to love deeply. 

I am saddened that I won't get to rock you, or have late nights with you, or see your first toothless smile and all of the other things that I would have loved to experience with you. I won't forget you. Weird to verbalize since I never met you, I'm sure you understand what I mean. I hope to meet you some day, maybe when the time comes for me to pass. I know your mom won't forget you either. Thank you for bringing us closer together & please look after her and your brothers. They would have loved  you. Say hello to Leigh , Doris, and Normand for me. You would have been my little princess. 

Your name would have been Lane Leigh Dionne. 

Love,

Dad

Time

It's an overcast day in late March. Old man Winter is laying down to sleep, and the Spring is waking it's tired bones to breath new life into the world. It's currently 38 degrees out, and as of this week ,the Robins have started to come out. The owner of the horse farm behind me has started to let the horses out to roam in the pasture. The trees are still barren of leaves and should be budding in the next few weeks. Clocks have recently changed, so, the glowing fire in the sky stays up just a bit longer than it has during the winter providing comfort and reassurance that warm weather is around the corner. 

It's been a while since I've decided to take a crack at this. It's hard to find the time to write, or, maybe it's there isn't enough time in the day to lay these words down. Being as single father, working full time, side hustles, and trying to spend time with they boy and house projects. My time is spread as thin as the ice is currently in Chickawaukie Lake. I suppose that's what's been on my mind as of late, time. We're not getting any younger and the older I get the fast that life seems to go by. Long gone are the days of carefree summers that lasted for ever. I was 18 yesterday, and I am approaching my 41st birthday next week. Orion has started to become his own person, with his own interests. It seems like yesterday he was my 4 year old toe-headed kid that was eager to go on adventures. He's now almost 11. The time went by fast. I feel like I lost 5 years time with him, as it's taken me a few years to get my mind right from the divorce. Where I am in a better place now, and can focus on him It still saddens me that my head wasn't 100% in the game at all times.

There's been a lot of loss in the family and close calls over the last year. I'm not going to get into the details, but certainly a loss of  old family and new family. It's been a lot to process and probably the catalyst to me getting wrapped up around this whole time thing. We don't have as much time as we think we do, enjoy it, hug your family because we don't know if we are going to wake up tomorrow. 

Being Alone.

I'm having a hard time as of late. I've been struggling with not having any friendship up here. I'm constantly by myself and find myself in a mundane existence of: work from home, go exercise, come back home and go to bed. I have started by own little record store business (online for now) which helps a little bit as far as keeping my mind occupied. I've been reaching out in places like church in hopes to meet people and gain some sort of friendship amongst people in the area. I have thrown out feelers to folks about hanging out just to get no response. Esther won't respond to me since she told me me that she wasn't gaining anything from our friendship anymore. I had sent her a message after the roe vs. wade debacle that went down as I know that was important to her, and I got no response, I'm blocked on Facebook. she probably blocked my text messages as well. feeling like your alone is something that I am used to as I often feel that way with depression, however it's different when you feel that way compared to, in reality, actually being alone. I feel like I'm looking in with everyone else's relationships whether it be significant others or just their interactions with friends. ....oh....isn't that nice... or the oh....that looks fun, before reality sets in at the fact that I'm sitting at my house alone on 4th of July, with no family around and everyone preoccupied.  

I bought a dog to have a companion at home. I'm tired of not having anything around mon-wed. I find those to be the hardest days, when Orion isn't here. at least I have a dog that I can talk to now, and take for walks. Esther has a birthday coming up. I'm wrestling with the idea of at least sending her a birthday message. I'm sure she doesn't want to hear from me though. exercising has been good at keeping my mind occupied as well. I took tonight off of jogging and took the dog to Lucia beach tonight. he seemed to enjoy it. we came back to the house, I ate supper and to break up the mind numbing monotony decided to sand and paint the trim in the hallway. I sat down with the intention of working through my setting boundaries workbook and can't think long enough to actually make it through anything of substance. so, here I am.  The feeling of dissociation are starting to come back slowly I've noticed. Over the course of the last two weeks or so. Something I haven't had in a while. On the bright side, the intrusive thoughts haven't come around as much. That's a plus.

Orion asked me the other day what it was like to be an uncle. The concept of being an uncle is cool. In reality I don't know my nephews. I do get to hang out with them this coming month when we go down to Florida. a family trip for my moms birthday, post covid lockdown. it'll be nice to see my family. Get to know my nephews a little bit. realistically the next time I will see them will be when they're ten or something. No one is going to come to visit, I'm to out of the way. My dad makes the effort to come up, which is cool. he's been up here twice since I've been stranded in this area because of the divorce. I'd really like to get some time with my mom though. I miss her. 

family. I miss family. I have a house that is capable of a family, but it's empty. I have a patio set that is capable of sitting a family for dinner and creating memories, but it's empty.  I have a good sized yard for a family to spend time in and enjoy, but it's empty. The large firepit that I have in the back yard has two blue Adirondack chairs next to it, but they're empty. My king size bed that I have is empty. My sons room, is empty for half the week. The guest room is empty. an awful lot of space to sit and be alone in. I can't even find companionship through this blog cause no one fucking reads it. Out of all the cars that drive by my house and honk it would be nice for one of them to pull into the drive way. If a man falls and no one is around to hear it does he make a sound?

 I just

miss

my

friend.

The Death of friendship & Loyalty

 Yesterday I said good-bye to my fur baby. I had known it was coming, as he was sick and old. I thought I had prepped myself for it mentally. However, it has hit me hard than I anticipated. I had adopted him from a someone, in North Carolina (where I was living at the time,)  who rescued him from a kill shelter at 6mo old. He was formally abused and flea ridden, and for a 6mo old puppy very lethargic, and uninterested in doing much other than curling up in a ball on the floor. 

At the time I didn't realize exactly how much Spanky would come to bond with me. I was jobless at the time as we had just moved down to North Carolina. He spent many hours with me curled up on my feet while I scoured the internet for work. After a month or so of him living with me he started to open up and feel comfortable enough to act like a puppy. Curious about life, and wanting nothing more than someone to love him. we spent many hours going on walks, going to the dog park with his sisters, lola, Moose, and his brother Tanner. He became very much a part of the family. 

I watched him grow, and when I had my first Child, I watched him become the protector of the "little hooman." I was impressed with the explosive power of your run, the height you could attain when chasing squirrels in the back yard. Always walking around with that Pitbull smile on your face and a happy dog. I always got the feeling that he knew how much better he had it with us than with his first owner (who dumped him off at the kill shelter.)  He was always there to greet me at the end of the work day, and always happy that I was there, curled up in the shape of a horseshoe and wiggling your butt. You were quite the welcoming committee. I feel that he helped me as much as I helped him. No matter where my mental state was he was always there to lift my spirits. He always knew if I was in a bout of depression and was off. he was always down to snuggle, or for me to get my ass off the couch and play ball. 

Through out the years, the locations may have changed, and he wasn't a fan of leaving the warmth of the south to return to the north east where the winters became hard on his joints. But he had the perfect place to spend his golden years. Coastal, rural Maine. Surrounded by many acres of woods to roam, a woodstove to warm his bones up to in the winter, and with many family members in the area, no lack of love in his life. Hell, he even became a shop dog. Spending many hours in the hair salon lounging and greeting patrons as they entered. 

He was , by far, one of the most kind, gentle souls that I have had the pleasure of having in my life. Even though he couldn't speak he said a lot. Then the cancer came around. I watched it take the energy away from you and knew that the bad days were going to be more frequent, and I didn't want you to suffer. After providing so much joy to the family over the years I couldn't see you go through that. It wouldn't be fair. You took my suffering away, I couldn't let you suffer. 

Your morning started off normal, until I showed up with your final breakfast of McDonalds sausage mcmuffins and a hash brown. Sitting in the vet yesterday was incredibly tough, as I knew what was coming and you did not. taking the long walk from the car , and watching you be hesitant about where we were going. Then the door opened for us to go into the room and you were even more hesitant about going in. It broke my heart. Although tired and old he was still inquisitive as to what was going on. interested in the catheter that was in his paw, sniffing the palm tree printed medical tape they had wrapped around to keep it in place. Big, sad, tired eyeballs looking at us. 

The doctor had said that it would be quick, but I wasn't expecting it to be as quick as it did. It was so fast, honestly, it caught me off guard. The first injection was a sedative, and the next was the shot that ended his life. with in two seconds of administering the shot, I saw his head drop, followed by a final exhale, and it was done. like turning a light switch off. At 40 years old this was the first time that I had anything ever die in my arms. It was at that moment I realized that we are always a light switch away from not being here. No matter how strong we think we are, no matter how big or tall or broad shouldered we are, we are still extremely fragile. Everything can be taken away at the flick of a switch. Maybe that was your final lesson to me. Live in the moment, and enjoy what you can, because it can be taken away so fast. 

I was heartbroken to see you go. I could only hope that Lola, and Moose were there to bring you into the afterlife. I know that you're not suffering anymore and that you can finally rest those tired bones of yours. I look forward to reuniting with you in another form in a few weeks. I have the perfect spot picked out for you next to that woodstove that you loved so much. Thank you for all of the years of loyalty and Love. you'll be missed dear friend.

Rest In Peace Spanky

aka "Doodle Butts"

2009- 2022

Love is immortal

 "We are one, you and I. From the moment I took your hand on the steps of the great hall of Eoferwic, we were bound as one. You may dislike me, hate me if you wish, despise me at times. But love is immortal. It goes on.” — Uhtred

I'm at it again....

The hardest part of the year for me is coming to a close, the winter. we are leaving the dark behind and coming back to the much welcomed sunshine and warmth. with that being said, this winter was rather mild overall. It was another year of lessons learned scenarios, which culminated into Esther and the boys moving out. Not on their own accord. It was a slurry mess of me not setting boundaries properly with my ex-wife and overall burnout. it was an emotionally challenging year, and where I have had sometime to be quiet and reel myself in from the non stop grind, I find myself sitting in an empty house for half of the week, able to clear my head, but the silence is deafening. 

    We have had time to talk about the situation, It's been hard because I can feel the hurt when we are talking, and I can see the hurt in her eyes when she comes over. There has been many heart to hearts this year, and many shed tears on both of our ends.  Even though both of us are hurt by things that we have done ( or didn't do) I can't help but feel that ultimately it's my fault. Which sucks because we have been through so much together, i feel like we have accomplished more than a lot of couples do in that same time frame. we were brought into each others lives at precisely the right time, because of this i feel like we were brought together for a reason. As much as this situation sucks I feel like we are not through with each other. 

    I know I have work to do, I need to learn to deal with a narcissist, I need to learn how to set boundaries between me and a narcissist, and I need to learn boundaries within my relationships. I need to delve a bit more into what causes me to do the things that I do. It's confusing, because there is SO MUCH information out there that I almost feel like I gas light myself with what I read, which makes it very confusing to know what actually is going on in my brain. Then I of course question if there is anything wrong with me and just go in circles. How are you supposed to fix yourself if you're confused as to what needs fixing, or finding the root cause. Is this trauma related from childhood, is it PTSD from my marriage. I wish life came with a handbook so I knew what to do. I'm tired of hurting myself and others. 

Timelessness

I've felt darkness closing in on me

Chilling shadows surrounding me
I've had the poison leak into my skin

And it corroded my heart away
Bled away
Cut away
Dark night of my soul

Your Person

 A term that has been put out there to me over the years. Never really understanding fully what it meant. I always assumed it was another, yet shorter phrasing for "the person I love." It's really so much more than that, and something, that after reading this I can relate to. I have posted the link below for a better summarization of what it really means. 

When someone says "You're my person."