I am

I am loved.

I am worthy.

I am happy.

So in love

Vacation is starting to come to an end. We are approaching the end of week two. Flying back to Maine on Saturday. On our way to St. Augustine yesterday we had a discussion in the car about sun light, and how the sun light in Florida has been great to help battle depression and how Maine is a tough place to live. I had mentioned that I have been focusing on the things that make Maine a great place to live. Naturally, through out the course of the day my mind kept going through the list of things that I am thankful to have due to living there. One of the things that I kept coming back to is my family. How truly blessed I am to have such a wonderful family. I will be sad to leave my parents and the sunlight, but I am very much excited to come back to you and have you in my arms again. I miss daily life with you. Everything from chasing kids, planning our days, running errands, talking about the things we want to do, and our sweaty love making sessions. I love and appreciate everything we have and are working towards. Most of all, I love you and appreciate you. My life is better with you in it. 

So in love

You do so many things with that smilin' face

So in love

Every time we kiss, it's such a pleasant taste

That's why I know this feelin' good and strong

Tryin' I was, was here to get along

I wanna testify you mean so much to me

Let me write the fact, I mean it honestly

Life is strange, believe me it is true

We don't always mean the things we sometimes do

Look at me, look at you

You know we're so in love

Baby, don't ask why

You're movin' my emotions

So in love

You don't have to worry

You have my devotion

This love affair is bigger than we two

Lose the faith and it will swallow you

Loving you is what I'll always feel

Never ever doin' things against our will

Nothing is, nothing required any kind of cares

You being you and I being me

You don't worry 'bout the rest

And our love is your confession

That we're so in love

So in love

I'll try to do the best that a man can do

So in love

The key to our success to see each other through

So in love

So in love

So in love

Baby, don't ask why

You're movin' my emotions

So in love

So in love

So in love

-Curtis Mayfield

Big things, much anxiety.

 is it just me, or is the summer screaming by. This summer has been alright so far. The weather has been awful, rain, fog, rain, more fog. Very few days of good weather. The days that we have had though have been gorgeous. The record shop has been doing well though, and am making slow and steady preparations to vendor the comic convention in October. just need a few more large orders and I think i'll have enough inventory for the full three day weekend. Regardless, it will be a good time spent with the little guy and friends. 

Our Florida trip is fast approaching, we leave PWM on Saturday at 5:30 in the morning. After the last flight fiasco the thought of traveling makes me want to puke. However, I am looking forward to spending time with my parents. No sooner will I get back and my trip down to Georgia will be here before you know it. I'm already exhausted thinking about it. 

Things are going well around the house. It's busy, and there isn't enough time in the day to get anything done, but it slow and steady wins the race. I'm trying to relax and not be so uptight about the little things. The boys seem to be doing better this go around, they still bicker, but it's not like it used to be, and the general feeling and attitude coming from them about the situation feels different this time around. I think it finally clicked. 

This morning was rather stressful. I've been filling out paperwork to restructure the 50/50 agreement that the Ex-wife and I have. We have been doing 50/50 time spent and expenses, but we have been doing half week on and half week off. This has been a bit of a concern from the little as he never has a chance to fully settle and feels like he is bouncing around all the time. Because I have him on the weekends he also never really has any quality time with his mom to do things. Thus, the restructure. I'm trying to get 1 week on & 1 week off. This will give him the ability to settle a bit, and also give him some time with his mother on the weekends (two weekends a month.) I filled out 90% of it, and she was dragging her feet on giving me her financials so I could fully finish the paperwork, so I decided to just mail it to her direct, and then filed a copy with the court so we can do mediation. This was a big step for me, and the anxiety this morning was big. I'm proud of myself for doing it, and am expecting blowback, cause, well, that's what she does. fingers crossed.

In other news, I did a big boy adult thing again. The laundry machine shit the bed, so I took the plunge and bought a new front load washer and dryer. Should be here tomorrow. I'm pretty excited. 

The Summer is picking up

 Another week almost done and rushing into the summer. It seems like this year has gone by faster than it normally does. With the good weather amongst us I have decided to finish the work day out on the deck under the canopy enjoying the view. The last few weeks have been a whirlwind. I'm finally fully settled from my trip back from Georgia. I had a blast with the boys and it was nice to be able to help my sister out with the things that she needed. The trip back home was a shit show as usual. Missed flights, and 12+ hours of hanging around the Atlanta airport. I made the best of it, and had some decent Chinese food to boot, and for less than twenty-dollars! 

Baseball has officially ended for the season. Quite the experience this year. Little guy made it to a new league this year, and was on a fairly young team. Over all their spent most of the season getting destroyed by the other teams. However, it was nice to see him grow as a team player and an individual player. Even though they lost all but 1 of their games they seemed to have fun, and take it in stride. I'm already looking forward to next season (even though this league is way busier than the previous.) We hit another milestone this week as well. Little man officially finished elementary school and is on his way to Middle school. He had his 5th grade graduation yesterday. It's wild to me that he is already on his way to 6th grade. It seems like he just started Kindergarten not to long ago. I'm actually sad to see his leave Ash Pointe school. The facility was brand new as of him entering in 1st grade, and the staff / faculty have been nothing but awesome and supportive there. I know he is stressing about the transition into the new school, this coming year. 

Things have been going well as of recent. still waiting for that low to come, and it doesn't seem to be arriving, which is proof the medication is working. My energy level seems to be staying high as well. Maybe not being in a low and my body no longer fighting an ear infection is helping in that department as well. The new hire class that I am currently doing seems to be flowing smooth with no issues thus far. 1 more week to go before they finish. As always it will be nice for the class to be done with, will miss staying busy 100% of the work day. 

We celebrated Esthers birthday early yesterday. The boys were excited to give her gifts, and her birthday dinner that she requested (Marinated steak tips & red potatoes with garlic green beans) came out awesome. For her cake, I made a white cake with lemon marmalade filling, and vanilla frosting. So.Good. Her actual birthday is next weekend, and she will be headed to Boston with the ladies to get away from Maine, and to see the band Cake. She's excited, and I'm happy that she is getting the chance to head south. That means I will be wrangling the boys for a "man weekend," A trip to Portland is in the works. Overall the boys have been doing well with each other. Orion has stepped it up quite a bit as far as his patience and grace with the boys, and if he is overwhelmed he is starting to remove himself from situations where previously he would retaliate. It's been nice to see. 

Things are going smooth so far. Conversations, and planning for things are taking place. The paperwork for altering my 50/50 is for the most part done, I need to make a correction, a copy of the paperwork, and send it registered mail to the ex-wife. We have come up with a plan to ultimately transition, but to keep her boys in the Camden school system where they have better resources. I was sitting in church this morning with the boys and I had a calming, good feeling like this is the right choice. It's a nice feeling because I feel like it backs up how I feel about the decision. It's been nice to be together as a family again. working on little house projects and planning for others. It's been nice to make progress and not only see some of it, but also nice to hear that I am starting to progress from my therapist as well. It's busy, but a good busy. I look forward to the future. 

After The Boston weekend, Orions birthday follows. The music community is planning on doing a open mic for him, and then we will have some sort of small shin dig at the house the following day with family and a few of his friends. Cake, bbq, chips etc. After that it will be off to Florida to visit my family for two weeks. I'll be working the first week and then on vacation the second week. Orion is looking forward to time with his grandparents. 

Busy weekend

Hard to believe the weekend is already over. It feels like I just left work on Friday afternoon. Even though the weekend was short it was a decent weekend overall. My Nephews were up early both days and just non stop. I took them to the playground up the road on Saturday morning, and then took them swimming in the afternoon after their nap time at the community pool followed by Chick-fil A kids meals for dinner. It was nice to treat them a little bit and they seemed to enjoy it. Yesterday was a difficult day as far as the kids goes. My oldest Nephew was being very difficult and not listening. It was a long day for for myself and his mom. I found myself having to step out of the roll of "Uncle Matt" and drop into dad mode as he was getting out of hand. I'm sure that some of his behavior is stemming from the situation taking place down here. As busy as it is I've enjoyed spending time with my sister and nephews. I'm also looking forward to treating them to ice cream this week. I've also started the official countdown to when uncle Matt is leaving to help make the transition smoother for them when the time comes. 

My sister finally told me the whole story of what happened to my brother in law. How he is still alive is beyond me. I feel like she made the right choice by not giving up on him and I commend her for making that decision even though life will not be the same for her, and in many ways, much more difficult. It's been interesting to observe the family dynamics and really solidifies the things that are important in life. I will leave here tired, but I will also leave here with a stronger sense of family and knowing that the family I love is waiting for me back home. I'm blessed for what I have, and finding joy in every moment is important because as tough as we think we are, it can all be taken away in the blink of an eye. 

Family matters

 Today marks the fourth day that I have been down in Georgia to help my sister with the kids and the house as she tends to my brother in law. It's been bittersweet to see  my nephews as I don't get a lot of time with them due to the distance between where I live and where they live. However, on the flip side it's been hard seeing my brother in law and the condition that he is in. I can't imagine going through something like that. My sister has been great with him though. She has a lot on her plate, but she epitomizes what a union  should be like. The amount of work that she is putting in to him is astonishing. Really, at this point I'm not sure who is the tougher person. Him for making it through his situation or her for having to pick up everything, including taking care of him. The irony of the situation is that I am here to help, and that he can barely talk and when he does he's extremely soft spoken, I happen to be half deaf so I'm sure you can imagine how that goes! It turns into a lot of pointing at things.

Even though I haven't (and hopefully never) had to go through that it's been great to see how this is playing out as far as their relationship goes. They clearly have a solid relationship and my sister is not backing down from the hardest thing that she has had to contend with in her life. I have a lot of respect for her. It's also nice to know that I have a person that I would do the same thing for if ever need be. So this thought process isn't all bad, it's been amazing to see the amount of work that my brother in law does during the day for physical therapy. He's putting in a solid 8 hours a day as far as rehab goes.  

We are coming up on the weekend, not sure of what is going to transpire. There is talk of me taking the boys to Chick-fil-a and to the playground. Whatever we do, I'm sure that I'll be exhausted. Even though it's only been a few days I miss my family back home, and I miss my dog. I don't want to wish this trip away, but I'm looking forward to seeing them again. 

9 Months & The Vacancy that's here

I woke up and my thoughts were immediately with you. You would have been born this month, and you're not going to be. I've spent the last few months trying to come to terms with this. You would have been my world. Please look down on your mother today, I think she is going to really need it. She loves you, too. Your brothers love you, they just don't know it yet. Thank you for choosing me to be your father, I can't wait to meet you someday. I love you, Princess.

Energies entwined, to create ecstasy.

Fruit of the womb, takes the seed.

To create new life , a part of me

Scared & joyous, overly.

You were but, just a pea.

To learn that you will never be,

Crushed my soul, so heavily. 

You would have been a Sister to three,

Beautiful, smart, and carefree.

I'd ask that you could sit with me

but, since you can't, I hope you see,

that my love will always be.

                             -Dad

June goals

Pushups- x 60

Bike (while in Atlanta) 30min

Run (when back at home) 3 days a week

Finish book

Finish modification paperwork

Positive affirmations

Full bucket

 Last couple of weeks overall have been good. It's been busy, but a good busy as far as connecting and family repairs go. It's nice to see the people I love smiling, and it's nice that I have been smiling a lot more as well. I've been on my meds for a few weeks now and everything seems to continue to move forward without any major concerns. I have noticed that my levels of anxiety have been much lower, haven't had any lows, and still haven't gone crazy. All good signs. I hope that it continues as the weeks progress. At this point I'm gearing up to head down tot Georgia for a two weeks to help my sisters with my nephews while she tends her family situation. It's going to be busy, but I am looking forward to spending time with my nephews and sister. It will also be nice to be able to see my parents, albeit for very short amount of time. I'm now tasked with finishing the list of things to do to prep for the flight on Sunday. 

I've been feeling good about everything the last few weeks. It's nice to have goals, and something worth working towards, together. Chipping away at working on myself to better ourselves. I've enjoyed my time spent as a family. Gardening, video games, basketball. it's been a nice to have a full heart. I'm going to miss you guys while I'm gone.  My main goal after my trip is to get the paperwork finished and submitted. The amount of paperwork to alter the structure of 50/50 is asinine. I guess I should thank my blessing that I'm not one of those guys is stuck filling all this court paperwork out all the time. Family court is a racketeering scheme. New meds still seem to be doing well. I notice that I am a bit groggy in the morning when I wake up. case in point, this morning, I poured my hot water into my creamer instead of into the french press.....

Another busy weekend

Man, another weekend done already. This, much like the last weekend, was busy, and fast. The weather was gorgeous all weekend. It was so nice to be outside and catch the sun. The warmth is finally starting to arrive, and the winds coming off the water are less cold than they were a month ago. I've been waiting for this weather for months. Saturday was spent at the ball field with a double-header against Vinalhaven. A much older team, so needless to say we got destroyed. However, the kids took it in stride, and even though they lost both games they were in good spirits. They had a handful of good plays, and hits to drive runs in. It just wans't enough to surpass the other team. The remainder of the day was spent mowing the lawn, and then having some down time with the little guy to close out the night. 

Yesterday was mothers day. Surprisingly the the little guys mom wanted to spend time with him, so, after a lazy morning he took off with his mom for the remainder of the day. I spent time with the rest of my family for mothers day. Even though it was last minute plans we had a nice picnic at walker park, and then came back to the house and hung out for the afternoon. It was nice to have everyone under the roof again, and nice to spend time with the boys. Night time snuggles was the quite amazing as well. You're an awesome momma, and it was nice to appreciate you. As every good day does, it came to an end too fast, and it's back to the office grind already. 

I'm rounding out the 1st week on my new addition to my meds. So far, so good. no adverse effects that I can tell. We'll see if it stands the test of time and can keep the lows at bay. I'm hoping that this will do the trick. It would be nice to have this on lock down. I went for a jog today on my lunchbreak. I had to force myself to get my shoes on, but once they were on I was good to go. The jog wasn't as hard as the last two, at least from a physical body standpoint. However, on the way back I was jogging into fairly strong headwinds the whole time, which was not too pleasant. It's kind of neat being able to make it from the house up to the museum building and back without stopping. that seemed like an unattainable feat last summer when I started running. 

Tonight I'll be hanging out with the boys for a little bit, and then coming back to the house to do who knows what, probably sitting down to start that paperwork to alter the 50/50 to week on week off. Tonight is really the only night for downtime as the rest of the week is consumed by baseball practice/ games and doing homework with little man. 

Echoists?

Real interesting read about Echoists. A new term for me. The article did resonate with me, and I can see traits of this within myself, as well as some of my family members. Namely my Grandmother. I don't feel like I have these traits because of narcissistic parents, but more so because it was mirrored to me from my mom, who probably learned it directly from my Grandmother.  I have included the link below.

Are you and Echosit?

Your inner child pt.4

In between researching topics, I have been working on healing my inner child. During a letter that I wrote to my inner child I had finally been able to verbalize and talk about an incident that happened when I was in about 5th or 6th grade. This is something that I have always stuffed down deep inside myself and if it ever bubbled up to the surface I immediately  suppressed it back down. It came out during my writing and as uncomfortable as it was to acknowledge it, I was able to hold it and I was able to accept that it happened. That specific incident took place and set forth another incident in motion. A situation that I also stuffed down for years. I figured that this was a good opportunity to move forward with the healing of my inner child, but also a good opportunity to have a really difficult conversation. I reached out to my friend and asked if he could chat after work. I was dreading the conversation, and wasn't quite sure how I was going to approach it. 

The time came for me to call him, which I did. I had a huge spike of anxiety at first, but was able to get it under control. I had let him know that I was on a self help healing journey, and had filled him in on what was going on, talked to him about the concept of the inner child. Talked about how I was trying to heal from childhood traumas. This lead into the incident that took place, and explained the tremendous amount of guilt that I had carried for years about it and apologized. I had asked how it may have affected him over the years, and he said it didn't. He was able to forgive me and understood how that cycle could perpetuate itself. He ended it by saying I feel no different about you now, then before you called and stated that he was glad that I was on this journey and that it helps me to find happiness. It was by far the most awkwardly difficult conversation that I have had, but yet it turned out way better than I anticipated, I was shocked then and I am certainly shocked right now. I am glad that it turned out the way that it did, and I was proud of myself for being able to have that conversation. 

Anxiety high today

I Have this ongoing anxiety today. Can't seem to shake it. I'm not sure if it's just my normal anxiety or if it's due to the new medication that I am taking. The Doctor stated that side effects could last at least a week and then take a few weeks for it to kick in. I was a bit anxious yesterday as well. I'm planning on going for a run on my lunch break. I guess we'll see how the rest of the week goes. 

Until the ink runs out...

One of my favorite Y2K metalcore releases (and one the favorite metalcore releases list in general) arrived today. I've been wanting the repress of this for a while as I didn't want to pay the price for an original trustkill records copy, although I must admit, the original copy on pink wax woulda have been awesome. I wish they would have kept the original artwork as it's one of my favorite album covers of all time, however, I do love the artsy photographs of the original artwork that they used. I still remember the last time I saw these guys, they hit the breakdown of Tower of Snakes as cartons of lo mien, eggrolls, teriyaki pork, and fried rice were launched across pit, and the dance floor erupted from the stage back to the merch tables. Crab rangoons and crowdkills? Don't mind if I do! by the way did we ever find out who the fuck shot John Lennon?

"How long will I hide behind this pen, and how long will you wait for me?

I guess until the ink runs out..."

In other news, I had my yearly physical today. Blood pressure a tad high, also had bloodwork done to make sure that my A1-C is still in check. I'm hoping it is. I've put a lot of work into getting that down to normal range. I am also starting a new SSRI to take in conjunction with the Wellbutrin that I am on. Hoping that this keeps my lows balanced out. I hate fucking with SSRIs. You never know the outcome, they may work, they may not work, they make you lose your fucking mind. I'm hoping for the best, and I've been on this stuff before, but it was so long ago that I don't remember what the outcome of them were. 

How to make hard decisions

 

I was listening to something this morning in regards to making hard decisions and how do we know if it is the right thing to be doing. These are my take aways from it

The way you make a decision. think about options, the decision that aligns with you that is the right decision is expansive.

-        It creates growth.

-        Exciting, even if it is scary.

If you feel yourself shrinking or a contraction in energy, then it’s a no!

Always use your heart to know what the truth is for you. You brain is used to figure out the analytics of it

-        How will I make it happen?

-        What’s the time frame etc.

 

What you will regret are the things you didn’t do. You will regret not going back to school, you’ll regret if you don’t take your health seriously, you’ll regret not saving for that trip etc. Don’t let your fears hold you back from what you know in your heart you want to do.

 

1.How you feel about someone, or something is very different than how that person makes you feel, Put the weight of your decision in how the person/ place makes you feel.

 

2. you must know the difference between what the right decision is in your heart vs. your fear of making that decision. Always find the courage to make the decision that is in your heart. You will never, ever regret it.

 

 

In other news, I called the clerks office at knox county court and they  stated even though we are restructuring the 50/50 agreement that we could still go into mediation for the 1 week on 1 week off scenario. They also stated that it’s hard to pinpoint the time frame as to how long it takes to get into a hearing for the time you submit paperwork. She did state that if we got in well before the beginning of the school year that we can request to have the start date take place in September.

That was a fast weekend

 I can't believe that this weekend is over already. I feel pretty good tonight despite how busy we were and the amount of stuff that was accomplished. Two college graduations. Friday was my sons mothers graduation, and then yesterday was my best friends wifes graduation. A lot of miles traveled in the last few days. Last night was a good evening however. you came over to hang out with little man and I. Ice cream, tv and some brief hangouts before he went to bed. Once that took place it was time for a tub and then to bed for snuggles. It was nice to cuddle, and feel the warmth and softness of each other. The next morning was a super lazy morning. Breakfast, followed by grocery pickup. Came back to plant some more morning glories for bean, and hung out a bit longer. At this point I had received an email from that ex wife in response to the email about boundaries that I sent her a week ago. I knew she wouldn't be able to read that without responding. I won't be responding as she is looking to hook me into some circular dialog that goes nowhere per usual. Can you imagine being such a snowflake that anytime someone needs to talk to you about a divorce that you caused you are requesting a therapeutic space. sounds more of like a control tactic to me.  However, based on some of her bullet points that she thinks she knows, I had a conversation with my son afterwards to find out if the things he told me about being happy she was around again, and missing her boys was really something that he felt or if he was saying it because he thought it would make daddy happy. He said that he said it because he felt that way. I also asked him if he felt safe around her and safe at home and he said that he did. rest of the day was pretty mellow. we watched fox and the hound and I took a dad nap on the couch, we ate supper and the next thing I knew it was time to bring little man back to his moms. 

Whirlwind day

 holy moly, what a whirlwind of a day, and another set for tomorrow. Gonna keep this short. However, today I brought the little guy up to orono so he could watch his mother graduate. This was the first time that I have seen her since I emailed the boundaries to her. I really wasn't sure what to expect. Surprisingly she gave me my space, and when we did interact with her (mainly to snap some photos of her and the little guy) it's was pretty brief. I pretended I had a energy shield surrounding me to deflect any bullshit. Prior to the graduation, I got to meet up with a dear friend of mine at his place in Milford. To my surprise he had two racks of ribs and jalapeno cornbread waiting for us when we arrived. Talk about taking us to chow town. It was good to catch up with him, albeit fairly brief. Tomorrow is graduation number two, only this time in Augusta followed by baseball practice. afterward, if all works out, my love will be coming over so integrate her with little man again, and so that we can have some quality time tomorrow night and breakfast the next morning. I hope it works out. 

Wildflowers.

 

This song has a very Townes Van Zandt feel to it, but it makes me think of you. It's a beautiful song. I'd pick all the wildflowers, and bring them all to you.

first time back

Yesterday was certainly a long day at work, with not a whole lot to do. Last night, however, was a lot of fun. Once work was done for the day I took care of the dog and then packed up and went over to her house for my date with the boys. It was a little weird rolling up to the house and I felt a little uneasy because I wasn't sure what to expect when I got there. I wasn't sure what was going to happen with her family when they saw me over there. I know she gave them heads up, but I was still apprehensive. Doggos was with me, and he was happy to be sniffing and running around the with other dogs. Surprisingly, not a whole lot was mentioned, Her sister did make a comment about the dog, but, if that's all the backlash that I received for the night then it was alright by me. The boys were really happy to see me, and were eager to have me come upstairs to play video games with them. I was eager to crack dad jokes and and learn all about Minecraft and Super Mario deluxe. I can't believe how much they changed in a fairly short amount of time. Not only growth wise, but maturity wise as well. It was really a great thing to see. You're doing a great job with them. 

They were both chatty and excited to see me, I got quite a few hugs from the little one followed by "I missed you so much" each time. This melted my heart. I missed them too. I'm so glad the connection with the boys is still there. They are great kids and I am glad to have them in my life. I'm honored to be dad. Once we were well into our adventure with Super Mario Brothers Deluxe it was time for supper. I hadn't eaten before I  came over, nor was I expecting to eat at your place. to my surprise, when I came down she had fixed me a plate of mac n cheese, dino nuggets, and carrots. That was super sweet. I got to eat with my family again. Another full bucket experience. I was taken back a bit more when the little one asked me if I could say grace, and that you let me say it. As awkward as it was for me to do that, especially in a house that's not mine, was an honor. I took it as the first step at leading my family into something with this second chance I have been blessed with. I would like to make that a tradition moving forward. To top it off I even got to have some of the oldest's left over birthday cake. I know she wasn't specifically saving it for me, but I can pretend that she was. 

After supper it was back to Mario brothers. We never made it to the boss in the land that we were in at that moment, but that's okay. we had a fun time stealing each others power-ups, accidently killing each other and then all sighing when it was time for bed. Another melt your heart moment was about to take place. Both boys wanted me to stay the night, and each of them brought me one of their blankets in the event that I chose to stay. Those boys are so sweet. I'm sure they were bummed that I had to head back to the house last night. Not because I didn't want to stay, because believe me, I did. I wanted to so badly spend the night with her. But I chose not to out of respect for her parents. 

Once the kids went to bed we got to spend some alone time together. We sat down and spent some time creating a list of things that need to happen within the time span that we have to work with. I thought it was a pretty good list. I was also able to give you your foot rub that I told you that i would give you. it was nice to see you relax for a little bit. This followed by some snuggle time, and tender kisses before I headed back to the house. Overall it was a good night. I was very happy that it happened. I was happy. 

Anxiety & the Butterflies within

Today is Wednesday. I got up and did my affirmations, and actually made myself an omelet for breakfast and some toast with your moms blackberry jam. I'm feeling pretty good, a little tired from running. Based on the weather and only giving myself a 1 day break from running since I have started, I think i'm going to take today off from running. If the rain holds off I'll take doggos for a walk. Today marks the first day that I get to go over and see you and the boys since we split., hang out, have some feel good moments together, and then to continue discussing a plan to transition. I'm excited, 41 years old and I have butterflies. An awakening realization of what I'm lucky to have, and the time spent apart. I guess absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Needless to say it is going to be a long day at work. 

per morning routine of the last few months, I listened to our horoscopes and started listening to Mel Robbins. Today was about the different kinds of anxiety. Under reacting and over reacting anxiety. She recognizes that she is an over reactor and interviewed her family members to see how it made them feel when she went into that mode. She also brought up a few different scenarios that happened in their family life, and how she responded. Sounds like we have something in common Mel. Overthinking and reactionary decisions? yep. That's me! 

She talked about being able to reign yourself in, and to have your partner keep you in check when they sense that is what you are up to. This spoke to me as this has been a talking point in our relationship at different points, and something I am going to work very hard on. I recognize this was a huge blow to our relationship last year (and a few other points.) It's us versus the world, not Matt versus the world. 

It was nice to see your face last night on our video chat. Although you had a long day of travel, work, and then tending to the kids, I appreciate you carving out time for me. It means a lot. You're a wonderful soul. You also found one of my favorite pictures of you. I was so excited when you sent it to me yesterday over text message. I thought it was lost forever. Stay beautiful<3