Coming to an end

As the year comes to a close I can say that a lot of personal progress has been achieved on a personal level this year. I am in a much better place that I was last December at this time, and certainly since the December before that. It has been two years since I was at the beginning of the worst period of my life. I have crawled out of the hole and am now standing much taller that I was.  I find that I am still adjusting, and find myself at times thinking about that. We have officially cleared the Christmas holiday, and where I did Have Orion on Tuesday for Christmas, yesterday just wasn't the same without having him there. I was lucky enough to have been surrounded by my girlfriend and her family, and was invited over to her mothers house. It was nice to be included family dynamics again. However, there was a part of me that was vacant because I wasn't around him.

I am am proud of how much I have achieved in the last two years. I know what I am made of, I have seen some pretty incredible Highs, and I have seen some equally scary lows. I feel like I have become much more in tuned with myself, and I have done a lot of self discovery, and know myself on a multitude of levels now. I am able to recognize things about myself that needed to change, and learn to not dwell on the past. To let things go, and control what you can control. By letting things go I have been able to control what I focus my time and energy on, but also put myself in a position where I am not being hypocritical in my healing. Not making myself out to be the victim. When the divorce first started I wanted very badly to play the victim card, which I did. Rightly so to a point. However, I'm moving on. I'm not holding onto what was. I think people are to comfortable playing the victim, I see it with friends and former family. They hold on to things when there really isn't a point to anymore. When your fifteen years into holding onto something you just come across a bitter. Which, is rather sad.

We are approaching the time of the year where people will be preaching for personal change and resolutions, of which some will achieve and others will fail miserably. I hope for your sake, if you are reading this and are thinking that you are going to make a change, or heal from something that you achieve what you are looking for. I hope that 2020 brings some sort of solidified healing for you, that you are able to let things go , and that you are able to learn a few things about yourself in the process. whatever that may be.

 With the new year approaching I need to compile a list of goals I want to achieve this coming year, something to focus on besides the every day normalcy. Goals in my career, relationships , and other personal goals. I think 2020 will be the year for me where my feet get fully planted underneath me.

Top releases for 2019

I found it hard keeping up with music releases this year. Between working full time and being a single dad half the week it's been hard to keep track with the sheer amount of releases that have come out. I have listened to a quite a bit of new music, but I feel most of the stuff that has come out is just rehashed versions of stuff that came out twenty years ago. Anyway here is my list of my favorite releases for 2019. Some are full lengths, some are EPs. I'm interested to hear your thoughts. Keep in mind I didn't rank these, so they are in no particular order.

Fuming Mouth- The Grand Descent
BBB Records
This album is brutally heavy. Not in the sense of breakdowns, but in a noisy atmosphere combined with harsh vocals and some incredibly heavy riffs. This is a fiery combination of Death Metal, Hardcore and D-beat. Killer stuff.  

Mamiffer- The Brilliant Tabernacle
Sige Records
It goes without saying that I have been a HUGE fan of ISIS for the last twenty years. So knowing that Aaron Turner of ISIS fame has been part of this project  always has me intrigued. Another beautiful release by his partner in crime. beautiful piano passages, ambient noise, and haunting vocals on this record were captured. However I find this album to have a over all bright feel to it. 

Glitterer- Looking through the Shades
Anti Records
Holy shit. what to say about this record? The twenty year old Matt would have hated this album. It's short. It's Ironic, and fucking catchy as hell. This is a masterpiece of punk-ish synth pop, with simple bass lines. This is one record I cannot get out of my head this year.

Fiddlehead- Get my mind right
Run for Cover 
This band helped me through some really hard times. Coming from a deep rooted love of the New England hardcore scene I have the utmost respect for Pat Flynn. Although only a single, this became a easy top favorite release. Think a modern version of Fugazi. 

En Minor- On the Floor
Housecore Records
Great single release by Phil Anselmo, as well as Jimmy Bower of Eyehategod / Down fame. Mellow , depressive, hazey. I feel that this could have a been a b-side on the first DOWN record.

Baroness- Gold & Gray
Relapse Records
Another good release by these guys. The album received some negative reviews because of the mixing and mastering. Artistically these guys have always done what they want, they are clearly moving in a direction opposite of the Red & Blue records. This record is decent effort on their part. I was excited to hear this when they announced it was coming out. 

OM- Live at the BBC
Drag City 
Sure it's been a long time since the release of any studio stuff from OM. however, with the resurgence of interest in Al's other band SLEEP, it made sense to capitalize on serving a new offering to his fans. There was some push-back on this release as they thought it was a money grab. Say what you want this release captures an incredible live studio sound. The mix is great, each instrument has their own space to breathe without over powering each-other. Some great bass tone. The songs have taken on a life of their own developing and changing over time. excellent release.

Sleep- Live at Third Man Records
Third Man Records
What a juggernaut of a release. 4xLP spanning Holy Mountain through The Sciences. Massive sounding record. This album was mixed and cut live. If you want to know where the wall of sound for 2019 is, here it is. This record will not disappoint. 

Vials of Wrath- Dark Winter Memories
Flowing Downward
The newest release from solo Un-black Metal artist. Solid record. Nothing genre defining, but it is well done.

Falls of Rauros- Patterns in Mythology 
Gilead Media
Maine based Black/Folk metal outfit hit us with another great release.  Abrasive and cold, again, nothing genre defining, but these guys do it well. They have stepped up their game with their lead guitar work. some seriously good solo work, and excellent guitar tone through out. 

Alcest- Spiritual Instinct
Nuclear Blast
Pioneers of the Black Gaze genre. These guys did an excellent job of conjuring up heavy atmosphere and emotion on this release. Everything that you have come to expect from the french metal band. 

The Hypocrisy of self healing

It seems that in this day in age everyone is talking about self help and self healing. You might hear it at the water cooler, or at the gym, or in social circles while you are out. You virtually cannot go anywhere on the internet without seeing some sort of meme talking about self help or self healing on Instagram or Facebook as well as newsfeeds. How many articles about self healing are at a click of a button through blogs, or media. I think self care is wonderful, and I think that it certainly serves its purpose for a lot of people. Personal growth is something that we all need to go through. Throughout the course of your life you need to heal from certain traumas, or just grow as an individual to reach the next phase of your life.

With that being said you also need to practice the things that you are preaching about. Being mindful of self help and self care over the last few months, I have kept track and tabs of the things that people are posting on the topics and what they actually end up doing. One of these happened recently. This person, for the last two years, has been extremely vocal on the internet about protecting yourself from toxic relationships,self healing, and being kind to other people. However at the same token, is publicly making fun of people that were in their life fifteen years ago,  because of some wrong doing that had taken place. Clearly, they are still holding on to things that happened ages ago. Can you really preach to other people about self progress, when you clearly cannot let the past go? Can you really preach about being kind to others when in fact you are being the opposite of that, and doing it when it fits your agenda?

 I am guilty of the same thing. I too partook in the same type of behavior for years with this person. It wasn't until the last two years, where I have done some serious re-evaluating of my life, and who I am as a person that I said to myself "why do I still even have something against this person?" I have since apologized to them for my behavior over the years, and have since mended fences. What gets me is that we used to be great friends before this other person came around and ultimately ended up sabotaging the friendship, which seems to be a common trend through out their life. What about your children, how are you going to set the right examples if you're talking about one thing, and practicing another. 

Food for thought. This is something that has rubbed me the wrong way. Yet another façade, a smoke show. In this current age of technology people are way to caught up in making themselves look good, and painting a picture of their lives.Self help is great, but how many people who preach this, In reality,  are miserable? Self help? Sure, if you say so...…..but clearly there hasn't been much mental maturity over the years as you're in the same spot you were all those years ago. It's simply a reflection of yourself upon the people you are insulting through your hypocrisy. But,  I'm sure it does wonders for how many people "like" your posts though.

The Christmas Spirit

It's hard to believe that the Christmas holiday season is well underway already. I'm not quite sure where the year has gone, but it flew by. It seems that Summer arrived to Maine late this year. The entire month of June was rainy and cold. Warm weather didn't make it to us until the Month of July.  Now that we are here in the middle of the season, the days are getting shorter, the air getting colder and the mid-coast isolation is about to set in for the next few months. It's been hard to get into the Christmas spirit this year, mainly due to illness that I have not been able to shake for the last 3 weeks. I have, however, decorated the apartment with what I can, mainly for Orion. After all, that's what it's about, correct?  

The holiday season has been difficult for me since the separation and divorce. Although I am thrilled to be able to have my son during the holiday season, It's still a reminder to me that I am not going to be with him the entirety of it. I'll only get to see him excited for half of the holiday season. I make it a point to continue the traditions that I started with him when his mom and I were together. We set the Christmas tree up thanksgiving weekend, I let him pick out an ornament (this year it was the golden snitch from Harry Potter.) We watch all the usual Christmas movies. The Grinch, Frosty,  Rudolph, and the Muppet Christmas Carol. We do the Advent calendar and the call from Santa etc.   I know the important thing is the time I do spend with him, and the values that I instill in him is what matters. However for me, it comes down to having half the time with him. 

This year we did sponsor an elderly woman for Christmas. I wanted to do something with Orion that shows or solidifies the fact that you should do nice things for other people. The person we are sponsoring was through the place I work, and through the Salvation Army. One of those Christmas trees where you pick the tag off the tree and it tells you a little bit about the person and what they are asking for. I figured that all the little kids would be taken care of, and that the older folks would be looked past. So I decided to take the card for the 87 year old woman, who wanted a lap blanket and lotion. Orion and I took a trip to the store to pick out fleece fabric and lotion. We then made our lap blanket and I brought everything into work where the Salvation Army will come to pick up and distribute to The person we sponsored. While making the blanket I tried to explain to Orion that sometimes the elderly are on a limited income, or they may not have any surviving family, or family that want to visit them. I think he got the point.  It's nice to have a son that has as big of a heart as you do. It's a good thing to witness, and I will always love him for this. 

Today, while reading the Art of Living, this was one of the topics. I thought it was fitting. This is something that should be practiced through-out your daily life,and not just during the Christmas or holidays seasons. If you have the impulse to help a stranger or friend and family member out, then do it. Don't ignore it. 

Mistletoe

The smell of food, 

and candles fill the air.

I've hung the mistletoe,

but there's no one here.

I miss you. 

The end of an era

I want to take some time away from the general topics at hand and talk about the end of an era. After thirty five years of insanity, and a right of passage for many metal heads over the years (including myself,)It's time to say goodbye to a genre defining insanity machine.  I am of course talking about the final show that Slayer played the other night in LA. I however did not make it to the show, but I was lucky enough to have seen them on the first leg of their final tour last year with Lamb of God, Testament, and Anthrax. That show was my ninth or tenth time seeing them over the course of my life, and it was a bittersweet moment for me. As one of the bands that helped to pioneer extreme metal, and was also one of the gateway bands for me to get into extreme metal. The raw energy they still captured, and the heart they still put into their show was incredible. They still brought to the table what captured my attention so long ago. Raw unbridled relentless energy.  The best part about their final set that I saw wasn't about the set list. Sure they played some show stoppers like Dittohead, Mandatory Suicide, Black Magic, Postmortem, Seasons in the Abyss, and Angel of Death (with a touching backdrop to Jeff Henneman.) The best part was being surrounded by my friends, my friends that went with me to war  at Slayer shows many times through out the years and lived to tell about it. Standing next to them, while we were taking it all in. 

See, when I was a kid (before the internet took off) you always heard wild stories while standing in line at concerts. About the sheer carnage, or violence at shows. People stage diving not off the stage, but off the balcony's. The commonality was that the craziest shit always happened at Slayer shows. Slayer fans were fucking crazy. Nailing their tongues to trees to win Slayer tickets during radio contests, carving Slayer into their arms, back and heads (which became famous due to the Serenity in Murder CD single artwork, and the Live Intrusion VHS.)  So when it was my first time going to see Slayer, it was a mixed bag of emotions and feelings. I was excited to see them, and I was also scared to death because you never new what was going to happen at a Slayer show, or if you were even going to survive. 

Some notable experiences were Seeing them at the Tattoo the Earth Festival in Boston outside while the sun was setting. One thousand water bottles flying in the air because of a massive water bottle fight the crowd was having. Seeing them at the Extreme Steel Tour and being part of a line of people that was rushing security to get down onto the floor. Watching the guys in front of the charge running down the stair case of the Worcester Centrum and leap down at least twenty stairs to tackle security so we could all make it down to the floor. Once we were on the floor seeing waves of people around the Centrum charging down the staircases and doing the same thing because being stuck in the seats at a Slayer show is NOT an option. Seeing them on the God hates the world tour shortly after 9/11 took place and spraining my ankle during Postmortum. How about the coincidence that their album God Hates Us All was released on 9/11. Watching them play the Reign in Blood album in it's entirety with their original line up. On their final run watching them break into the intro to Raining Blood for the final time brought a tear to my eye, and looking at my best friend with that look on our face that we will never see this song played again live. Sure, we may see some sub-par rendition of it played by a local band, but it's surely not going to be the same. Slayer always seemed to find a way to push boundaries, sonically, lyrically, and with their imagery. Always singing about the darker things in life. Slayer was not just a show, Slayer was a right of passage. 

It's hard to believe that a band that has been around for the entire duration of me being into extreme metal is finally done. As happy as I am that they get to stop the grind, and be with their families and take the time to do the things that they want to do, I am also saddened as a staple to the genre of music I was so heavily into is over. So, here is a thank you for all the wild times, and memories that you guys have provided over the years. They were some of the best times of my life and I wish you all the best in the future.Here is to all the insane stories I heard about Slayer shows as a kid. Here is to all the awesome people I met over the years at their shows, and their insane fan base across the world.  Here is to Gary Holt for having to fill in a massive roll for Jeff Henneman after his passing and doing so with grace. Here is to Tom Araya, who took the time on each night of the final campaign to stare out into the crowd and take it all in. I know you will miss it, you will miss the legions of fans across the globe that you amassed over the years. Last but not least...

FUCKING SLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAYYYYYYERRRRRR!

Slayer- Angel of Death - November 30th , 2019. The Forum- Los Angeles, CA. 

Being Thankful

Thanksgiving is always a time of reflection. A time to put things into perspective again after a crazy year of my anxiety and head telling me different things. Always doubting myself as a person, as a father, as a partner. I am my own worst enemy. This week, however, has been good for my mental health. Esther and I have had some long talks, and we are back together. We have a great thing, and the kids love each other and missed each other terribly on our few week hiatus. On The break I was able to put everything into perspective. The positives and the things I need to work on.  It made me realize the amount of love that I have for her, and really appreciate what I have with her, the connection that we have and the vast amount that both her and I have accomplished together on a personal level as well as a couple.

Work has been both low key, and easy going this week. I have one student that I am putting through the class, and it's a Webex scenario as they are in Lawrence Kansas. Wednesday night was spent over at Esthers house. I'll admit, it was nice to wake up in a house hold on Thanksgiving morning and be surrounded by people that I love and consider my family. By request I made an apple pie with Owen that morning before come back to my apartment to start cooking. Orion spent the first part of the day with his mom, and then came over in the afternoon. I planned on dinner for night time. At some point in the early afternoon Esther and the boys came over to the apartment. We hung out for the afternoon and spent time talking, watching the boys play and prepping for dinner. It brought joy to my heart to be able to share that day with everyone.

The one thing that I have been struggling with for the last year is being caught up on the "I used to haves." Coming out of a divorce and having had the piece of the American dream, my own little kingdom to putter in, or do projects in, and to have that taken away. The course of events that have taken place over the last few weeks, coupled with reflecting on where I am and what I actually have. I have come to realize that I have everything that I need right now. I have a roof over my head, I have a decent and steady job. I have a loving girlfriend that not only sees me as her family, but accepts my son as her own. I live in a gorgeous area (even though hard to make a living.) I have my health, I still have my parents and sister. I'm lucky enough to be almost thirty-eight years old and still have both my maternal grandparents and my paternal memere.  I have quiet Saturday mornings of music, and watching my son find joy in little things like breakfast burritos, youtube, and Iggypop.  when you look at life through that filter, life doesn't seem so terrible after all.

I know that I will always battle with what goes through my head, self doubts, anxiety, depression. That just means I need to thoroughly enjoy these moment even more when I am not in that mental state. I do feel as though my medication has been starting to kick in as I have noticed my last few weeks over all have been better. Sure, I was crushed when we took our break, and I had to process through that information. The face of the demon that is depression hasn't shown it's face as of recent. For that I am thankful.

Are you Fulfilled?

This was a good video by Tony Robins talking about what really helps makes a happy life. I've started my day for the last three days watching this video. It's great mental food, and I believe it has helped me have better days.

The Chains

"I wear the chains I forged in life........"
-Jacob Marley

The last week has been spent putting things into perspectives. There has been a lot of emotional ups and downs. I continue to read the art of living, and have been watching certain TED talks in order to try to find some insight as to what chains have been holding me back with the divorce. This was all started by the conversations and events with Esther over the last week. I am coming up on the two year anniversary of leaving the house and moving into my own place. When I first moved into my own place, I was hit with the trauma of my life getting ripped away, instantly losing fifty percent of my time with my son, and trying to figure out how I am going to survive in an area that does not offer hope to a lot of people. Trying to cope with those three things was incredibly painful, proving to be the darkest time of my life. For me breaking ties with the ex was not nearly as painful. Looking back on it, and I've said it before, my marriage was dead before we moved back to Maine. I should have seen the red flags.  Safe to say that I am ninety percent over the divorce. They say time heals everything so, what has been holding me back? 

Since I have been in my own place, I have found it hard to accept the fact that I once had the American dream, the house, the eight foot privacy fence, the dogs, a 401k and was living a comfortable life. I am now not. I now have no place to call my own, sure I am renting. I accomplished my goal of obtaining a two bedroom apartment finally. It's not the same as home ownership. I am also now living paycheck to paycheck with a professional job like so many other people in the country. I have been getting caught up in the "I used to haves"and it's preventing me from moving forward one hundred percent. Couple that with a brain that is hardwired to worry, overthink everything, and bring me into a tailspin of swirling anxiety and depression. I cannot truly be happy or continue to move forward if I am caught up in the "I used to haves" because it is taking me out of enjoying the moment and continuing to push forward.

 It is also not fair to my partners in my current relationships because they want me walking beside them and not 20 feet behind them dragging this chain of "I used to have this, I used to have that." Can one really plan for the future with someone if you are dragging the chains of the past with you? No, you can't. I see the pain and discourse that It has brought, and it is something that I need to just accept and move on. 

By doing this I will be able to focus my energy, on planning the next steps. Things happen in our life for a reason. As shitty of a situation the divorce was, this has, over the last two years give me a chance to really reflect who I am as a person, learn what my values really are and start fresh in an area, although tough to make a living, is an absolutely gorgeous breathtaking area. For the last six months I have been dragging the final chain with me, and it really wasn't until this week that I was able to piece everything together as to what that weight was. The ocean is one of my my favorite things in life, and has always been a place of refuge for me. A place of healing.. This is a rebirth, a seaside rebirth. 

Skills for healthy relationships

I was doing some research today in regards to being a better romantic partner. Trying to learn from my mistakes. I ran into a TEDtalk with Dr. Joanne Davila. She made some good points.  She discussed having insight, mutuality and emotion regulation. Romantic Competence. 

Insight- Why are you doing the things that you are doing? with insight you can learn from your mistakes and develop a better understanding for what is right for you.

Mutuality- Both people have needs & Both sets of needs matter. Needing to be willing to meet your partners needs.

Emotion Regulation- Regulating your emotion in response to things that happen in your relationship.

she goes into each point a little more in depth, and has some examples for each one. There is a lot of information in a short amount of time. It's worth the watch.

A winter wonderland

Well, there it is. Mid-coast Maine has officially been transformed into a chilly, blustery winter wonderland. Storm came through yesterday afternoon, and brought plenty of freezing rain. It seemed to continue through the night, and then the wind came. woke up this morning to a comfortable 19 degrees with about twenty mile per hour winds blowing over the harbor into town. Certainly a way to wake up, especially having to help Lou with changing her tire out in it. Brisk!

I had a better day yesterday when I got home from work than the previous day. This let me focus on unpacking more boxes and installing shelving units in Orion's bedroom. The new place is coming together nicely. Most of the evening was spent however listening to J. Mascis records, reading the book that Esther had given me. While reading the passages in the book she had given me, I noticed there are handful of things that I have heard while growing up. I find that interesting. I look forward to continuing through the book. I have been highlighting passages that I happen to like.  

I  I had chatted a bit with Esther yesterday through messaging each other. I had let her know when she is ready I had something I wanted her to read ( The items in a paper bag.) I wasn't expecting to have her read it for a few weeks, however she sent me a message last night that she wanted to read it. I got the impression she didn't want to read it. Although she did say it was good. I have always been honest with Esther, and what was in that is straight how I feel through and through from the bottom on my heart.  It's hard.  I haven't taken any pictures down yet because I don't want to tell Orion. He will be crushed if I tell him. So i'm leaving everything up as if nothing has changed. 

It was still cold at lunch time today, but I felt it necessary to make my way down the walking path around the call center into harbor park. The wind was frigid, but the sun felt nice. Especially on my face once I looped around to the board walk and the landscape blocked the wind. The crisp air was nice to breath in. I felt refreshed if only for a brief few minutes before I went back into the building. I'm trying to find joy in the little things in life. Especially since we are going to be snowed in for the next few months. 

The Art of Living

It's a shame when something amazing gets ruined. Especially when at your own hands. Hind sight is 20/20. She was right though. I let my insecurities from my previous marriage play a role in destroying us. We had a good thing, and I fucked it up. She was pretty, caring, had a fucking heart of gold. She would have done anything for me. She was so good with my son, and my son loves her to pieces. Her kids are great, I continue to be absolutely head over heels about them. She had the wildest eyes to stare into. Last night she came over with my things in a paper bag. I let them sit on the counter for a few minutes, and to tell you the truth I didn't want to open the bag. I wanted to ignore it. But I couldn't. I had a fear that everything that I gave her, or wrote her was going to be in there. Could I handle the rejection for a second time? 

There was a few items that were in there. My sons flannel shirt, socks, my sweatshirt - which still smelled like her. I couldn't help but smell that item of clothing. The smell of her and her house, and sage, brought back a flood of memories, and I broke down. I bawled like a baby for about 10 minutes in the living room. All of those memories, time at the beach, car rides, making love, great conversations, holidays, camping. It was a lot to handle. To be honest it hit me harder than getting divorced. The thing about divorce is that I was distraught about getting kicked out, and losing time with my son. knowing that my time with my son was cut in half, and coming home to an empty house on the nights were killer. Silence was deafening. With Esther it was different. We had a real connection. There was substance. The last few months I found myself creeping back into my own head which made it hard to express things  (If I love someone, how why do I have a hard time verbalizing  it?) My head is my worst enemy. She asked for help and I panicked. I didn't know what I could do.... I never asked her what I could do. If only I would have asked her what I can do to help her. How could I be so blinded in my own head and stupid. 

I went back to that paper bag and found a book that was tucked neatly at the bottom of the bag. The Art of Living- the classical manual on virtue, Happiness, and Effectiveness. She hit the damned nail on the head with that one. As much as it hurt to read those words, I knew that it was coming from a good place from her. She wants me to be happy, control what I can control, and to not worry about the rest. The book is based on Epictetus's writings. He was a philosopher who was born a slave. Once he was free (and eventually exiled) he devoted much of his life to  studying what makes a person happy and gives them a meaningful life. She had apparently already read the book as there were notes scrawled on the pages and passages underlined. The Ironic thing to this arriving in that paper bag is that last week I was thinking about ordering some sort of self help books. Ahead of the curve, She is continuing to help, even though she has departed. That speaks to her compassionate nature. Under that shell is a kind, loving person.  I get why she did. She needs to be stable, not only for her, but for her boys. 

I need to be strong. I needed to be strong for her. Now I see her walking the opposite direction instead of us walking together. I started reading that book last night. As much heart ache that I have, I look at this as my time to rise. Become a stronger person, or at least get back to where I was. I feel like I used to be a strong person, but was just kicked and beaten down emotionally over the last five years. I want to be a strong person again, for me, for Orion, for my family........ you fight for the things you love, and this is something I need to fight for. 

Items in a paper bag

Items in a paper bag,

my clothing smells like you.

Inhale sweet memories,

candle lights, and the melding of two.

A way with words,

right straight from our hearts.

Culminating in that electric spark

of a first touch on that couch,

so long ago.

The mending of hearts,

their journeys entwined.

moving hand in hand,

the final lines of

two finished chapters,

are written.

A new book started,

together as one.

Do you remember, making love?

Third floor window,

under moon and stars

above.

Taking down walls,

to nurture, so pure.

To cover those scars

that we have endured.

Together. 

How did it go wrong?

An angel let down.

Words cannot undo

what has been wrought.

Ashamed.

You cried for help,

and I did not hear.

How did I let what we had

get ruined by fear?

Blinded.

What was I afraid of?

too deep in my head.

I should have taken your love

that you gave me instead;

for courage.

You needed strength,

A rock to support.

A foundation to hold

and not to warp.

Broken.

My heart aches 
for what could have been

I have failed you dear

and for that, I regret.

Deeply.

The tears that you show,

that stream down your face

are because of me,

and my ghastly mistake.

I'm sorry.

I will become a stronger man,

because it is a need.

I want to have a family, 

and I want it to succeed.

Happily.

Reflecting is not easy, 

and for this I take the blame
One thing that I do know is 

I hope that we can rise again.
Strong. 

Although it may not happen,

and you may build up your wall,

What we had was special

and we should not forget at all.

Hope.

.

.

.

New place, more of the same

I finally made it in. Mostly set up and in a place where my son has his own space now. it's nice to be able to put him to bed in his own room now, it's nice knowing that he has a place to go to, to call his own. The over all area, I feel is better. the yard is much bigger, there is a playground next door for him to go to, the street is quiet yet we are right in the middle of town. He has the space to have his friends over if he chooses. Even though he misses the other apartment, he'll come to appreciate this place. It was a long weekend, and the last few days have been long between work, meeting with folks for utilities, parent teacher conferences, and trying to unpack and get his space situated and set up. I am however making progress.

I am now almost thirty days into my first round of prescription for depression. I'm not really sure how I feel, there still seems to be days that are okay, and days that are not so good. I don't know if it's because of the stress of the moving situation or what. I guess more time will tell. so far, no major adverse effects. The time change has been messing with me this week, and it's rather depressing to get out of work and have it be dark. This is only the beginning, at this rate it is going to be a long winter. Better brace yourself, because it's coming like a freight train off it's tracks and when it hits it's not going to be pretty.

 I'm tired of feeling this way. I can't shake the horrible feeling of not having a support system up in the immediate area. the feeling of being alone is overwhelming at times. knowing that my house can be so full of joy with Orion here, and then a few minutes later it's completely quiet and empty when he goes back with his mother. It's a pain my heart will never quite get over.

Turning the bad into something good

Since my divorce I have holding on to my wedding ring. It's been locked in a box and tucked up into my closet. The paperwork has been done for over a year, but I wasn't ready, for whatever reason to get rid of it prior to this particular day. I had taken the ring with me a few times to get sell it, but I had never actually walked through the door of the jewelers to sell it. what was I waiting for?

I think part of me wanted something good to come out of it. I didn't want to sell the ring and use it to pay bills, or blow it on stupid shit. Something that meant a lot at one point should be reborn into something else that is positive. I decided to use the money to pay for father/ son photos this fall. I am getting ready to transition out of my apartment that I was forced into, and into another place of my choosing. A place that my son has his own room and a large yard to play. He no longer has to worry about the train barreling ,the back yard, we no longer have to share a bed. With us transitioning into our new place, I figured getting photos would be the icing on the cake for our new place.

we went out to St. George, and met with a photographer Jessica Lecaptain. She had pumpkins and hay bales in the yard, as well as patch work quilts. it was a nice little set up. We were only there for about a half hour, and wasn't sure what the results were going to be. The end result came out awesome. I couldn't be happier of how the photos turned out. Taking something like a wedding ring which now symbolized pain, and hard times was turned into something beautiful. its really hard to put into words. But it is exactly what I was looking for. Here is to new beginnings, and moving to a place shortly that will not be full of bad memories, and 2 years worth of dark times.

A reminder for self care

I went out on lunch to the same bench that I always sit at on the Rockland boardwalk, and found this drawn on the planking next to my bench. Sometimes it's nice to randomly see stuff like this when you need it. 

Drown

Get pulled under,

Choke and scream.

Blinded by what used to be.

My salvation is a dream,

Something that will never be.

Further slipping down below.

There is no light, 

Where darkness grows.

Inhale deep,

Don't hold your breath.

Feel the water fill your chest

A cold water eulogy,

an epitaph serene.

Now you will

Cease to be

Drown.

Night time drive

Day three on medication. Had an amazing night at my house last night with my girlfriend. It was  a rare occasion that she is able to make it over to my place. we went for a drive to look at the moon , proceeded to come back to my place and had some tea. Lit candles and just enjoyed the quiet together. I enjoy our quiet time together, as rare as it is. It provides a sense of calm that otherwise is hard to come by in our hectic lives.

I stepped out the door today to grey skies and cold air blowing from the harbor. Typical fall day in Maine coming out of a gorgeous Sunday. I don't know if it was the weather but, the later part of the day I found myself struggling a bit. I made it through work, and it was actually a pretty productive afternoon. My girl friend wanted me to ride with her to go pick up her boys from their dads house. was a bit of a drive out there and figured that it would be nice to see all the bright orange, yellows and reds of the changing fall leaves. I found myself on the verge of a panic attack for most of the way out which put a damper on the ride itself.

I've been struggling since, well, since the divorce that I no longer have the piece of the American dream that I once had. House, dog etc. I have no place to call my own, and knowing that my family isn't around makes it even harder being reminded of this on a daily basis. Seeing how it is to make a living around here coupled with the housing market really makes me wonder if I'll ever get to that point again. It makes me sad. Sure sad for me, but also sad for my son as . He never asked for this, and yet he is a bystanders of the outcome. Kids are resilient, I get that, but I see him being in limbo between two temporary living situations. driving around and seeing the nice homes nestled in the woods of Camden hills and Lincolnville, smelling the woodstoves; it all made me miss what once was. The castle I had to call my own.

I was rather quiet on the way home. I guess I needed to just allow myself to feel it and work through it. I now sit, eating Chinese food fixated on shitty situation that I find myself in, I miss my son, and I miss my family. It's going to be a long holiday season for me.  What the fuck is wrong with you dude. ugh.

A Side Effect

Getting help for depression can be a ironic thing at times. We preach talking about mental health, and mental health awareness now in this world like it is going out of style. Which, I am happy for. Open lines of communication is a great thing, to vent , explore ideas about yourself, and to help offer support to others that may need it. There are new breakthroughs every day in medicines that people need to navigate their way through in order to try to help themselves. 

Try this, try that, why don't you add this other drug to what you're currently taking. No drug out there comes without it's side effects, and anyone who has been on any sort of SSRI knows that already. The side effects can range from being drowsy, to feeling like a robot, to becoming suicidal, or maybe more suicidal that you already were. I find that to be rather Ironic. The thing that you are taking to try to make yourself well ultimately could aid in killing you. 

I bring this up because tomorrow I will start taking SSRIs again to help with depression. This is not the first time that I have been on them. I recognize that I have been heading down a dark path, and I'm at the point where I'm tired of dealing with it. feeling like shit all the time. I find that I've been depressed for so long that it's all that I know. The sick thing is I know that I will miss the feeling of not being depressed.  Maybe Kurt Cobain was on to something when he uttered the words "I miss the comfort in being sad." 

so I go into tomorrow with a positive attitude that things will work. maybe I'll get lucky and this will be the only drug that I have to take. Maybe this will be the one that works for me the first time OR Maybe I'll go crazy....

What depression really looks like:

You might kill yourself if you don't take them, and you might kill yourself if you do take them.....

Alone

I find myself struggling with the feeling that I am alone, and wandering through my life at the moment. I know that this is not the case, I know that I have my son, I have a loving girl friend, and I do have family in the state. However, it is a feeling that I cannot shake. it's one thing to come home to an empty apartment, but it's another to come home to an empty apartment knowing that my extended family is two hours away, and that my direct family is over a thousand miles away. It makes things hard, especially knowing that we are coming into the winter.  A time of year where the daylight seems to almost be non existent, brutal weather, which turns cute little Rockland Maine into a frozen cesspool of a town.

I have always had family close to me, and surrounded by friends. I find that this so called event in my life has shown me who my friends are. I have heard from less and less over the course of time. it's rather disheartening. however, it has given me a better understanding and appreciation for my real friends. Today I felt the darkness start creeping back in, and it's been hard to crawl out of my own head. I found myself in my what I like to call tunnel vision, or thousand yard stare for a good part of the morning. I started to crawl out of it and be semi productive at work today. Though, dropping my son off at his moms tonight brought back that empty feeling again. Then home to an empty apartment.

I need to be home tonight to hit the reset button. I'm afraid to deplete myself, and end up in a spot where I can't drag myself out of bed. I cannot afford to fail. For my son, for myself, for the people that are standing behind me rooting for me to get my feet back under me.  It's hard when your family is so far away. The phone calls have been less frequent, and I'm having a hard time with that as well. I know they have their plate full with their own things, there are times it feels like I'm forgotten about. I know it's not true, and I know its my head playing tricks with me. Seeing through the fog is tough at times, having that voice in my head tell me that I'm not enough or that I'm not going to be able to survive up here isn't making it easy.

Esther tells me that I need friends up here, and that I need to reach out. I haven't found anyone that I really connect with. I know this winter is going to be hard, and I'm going to have to just move a day at a time. I'm tired of my life feeling like it's a prison sentence, the winter makes it worse. I never thought that I would have lost the spark of life. What the hell is with me.

on a positive note, I have found myself a two bedroom apartment. Orion now has his own room, this makes me incredibly happy.


"I want to be healed, but these wounds are sentimental."
                                                         -Ashbringer-