June goals

Pushups- x 60

Bike (while in Atlanta) 30min

Run (when back at home) 3 days a week

Finish book

Finish modification paperwork

Positive affirmations

Full bucket

 Last couple of weeks overall have been good. It's been busy, but a good busy as far as connecting and family repairs go. It's nice to see the people I love smiling, and it's nice that I have been smiling a lot more as well. I've been on my meds for a few weeks now and everything seems to continue to move forward without any major concerns. I have noticed that my levels of anxiety have been much lower, haven't had any lows, and still haven't gone crazy. All good signs. I hope that it continues as the weeks progress. At this point I'm gearing up to head down tot Georgia for a two weeks to help my sisters with my nephews while she tends her family situation. It's going to be busy, but I am looking forward to spending time with my nephews and sister. It will also be nice to be able to see my parents, albeit for very short amount of time. I'm now tasked with finishing the list of things to do to prep for the flight on Sunday. 

I've been feeling good about everything the last few weeks. It's nice to have goals, and something worth working towards, together. Chipping away at working on myself to better ourselves. I've enjoyed my time spent as a family. Gardening, video games, basketball. it's been a nice to have a full heart. I'm going to miss you guys while I'm gone.  My main goal after my trip is to get the paperwork finished and submitted. The amount of paperwork to alter the structure of 50/50 is asinine. I guess I should thank my blessing that I'm not one of those guys is stuck filling all this court paperwork out all the time. Family court is a racketeering scheme. New meds still seem to be doing well. I notice that I am a bit groggy in the morning when I wake up. case in point, this morning, I poured my hot water into my creamer instead of into the french press.....

Another busy weekend

Man, another weekend done already. This, much like the last weekend, was busy, and fast. The weather was gorgeous all weekend. It was so nice to be outside and catch the sun. The warmth is finally starting to arrive, and the winds coming off the water are less cold than they were a month ago. I've been waiting for this weather for months. Saturday was spent at the ball field with a double-header against Vinalhaven. A much older team, so needless to say we got destroyed. However, the kids took it in stride, and even though they lost both games they were in good spirits. They had a handful of good plays, and hits to drive runs in. It just wans't enough to surpass the other team. The remainder of the day was spent mowing the lawn, and then having some down time with the little guy to close out the night. 

Yesterday was mothers day. Surprisingly the the little guys mom wanted to spend time with him, so, after a lazy morning he took off with his mom for the remainder of the day. I spent time with the rest of my family for mothers day. Even though it was last minute plans we had a nice picnic at walker park, and then came back to the house and hung out for the afternoon. It was nice to have everyone under the roof again, and nice to spend time with the boys. Night time snuggles was the quite amazing as well. You're an awesome momma, and it was nice to appreciate you. As every good day does, it came to an end too fast, and it's back to the office grind already. 

I'm rounding out the 1st week on my new addition to my meds. So far, so good. no adverse effects that I can tell. We'll see if it stands the test of time and can keep the lows at bay. I'm hoping that this will do the trick. It would be nice to have this on lock down. I went for a jog today on my lunchbreak. I had to force myself to get my shoes on, but once they were on I was good to go. The jog wasn't as hard as the last two, at least from a physical body standpoint. However, on the way back I was jogging into fairly strong headwinds the whole time, which was not too pleasant. It's kind of neat being able to make it from the house up to the museum building and back without stopping. that seemed like an unattainable feat last summer when I started running. 

Tonight I'll be hanging out with the boys for a little bit, and then coming back to the house to do who knows what, probably sitting down to start that paperwork to alter the 50/50 to week on week off. Tonight is really the only night for downtime as the rest of the week is consumed by baseball practice/ games and doing homework with little man. 

Echoists?

Real interesting read about Echoists. A new term for me. The article did resonate with me, and I can see traits of this within myself, as well as some of my family members. Namely my Grandmother. I don't feel like I have these traits because of narcissistic parents, but more so because it was mirrored to me from my mom, who probably learned it directly from my Grandmother.  I have included the link below.

Are you and Echosit?

Your inner child pt.4

In between researching topics, I have been working on healing my inner child. During a letter that I wrote to my inner child I had finally been able to verbalize and talk about an incident that happened when I was in about 5th or 6th grade. This is something that I have always stuffed down deep inside myself and if it ever bubbled up to the surface I immediately  suppressed it back down. It came out during my writing and as uncomfortable as it was to acknowledge it, I was able to hold it and I was able to accept that it happened. That specific incident took place and set forth another incident in motion. A situation that I also stuffed down for years. I figured that this was a good opportunity to move forward with the healing of my inner child, but also a good opportunity to have a really difficult conversation. I reached out to my friend and asked if he could chat after work. I was dreading the conversation, and wasn't quite sure how I was going to approach it. 

The time came for me to call him, which I did. I had a huge spike of anxiety at first, but was able to get it under control. I had let him know that I was on a self help healing journey, and had filled him in on what was going on, talked to him about the concept of the inner child. Talked about how I was trying to heal from childhood traumas. This lead into the incident that took place, and explained the tremendous amount of guilt that I had carried for years about it and apologized. I had asked how it may have affected him over the years, and he said it didn't. He was able to forgive me and understood how that cycle could perpetuate itself. He ended it by saying I feel no different about you now, then before you called and stated that he was glad that I was on this journey and that it helps me to find happiness. It was by far the most awkwardly difficult conversation that I have had, but yet it turned out way better than I anticipated, I was shocked then and I am certainly shocked right now. I am glad that it turned out the way that it did, and I was proud of myself for being able to have that conversation. 

Anxiety high today

I Have this ongoing anxiety today. Can't seem to shake it. I'm not sure if it's just my normal anxiety or if it's due to the new medication that I am taking. The Doctor stated that side effects could last at least a week and then take a few weeks for it to kick in. I was a bit anxious yesterday as well. I'm planning on going for a run on my lunch break. I guess we'll see how the rest of the week goes. 

Until the ink runs out...

One of my favorite Y2K metalcore releases (and one the favorite metalcore releases list in general) arrived today. I've been wanting the repress of this for a while as I didn't want to pay the price for an original trustkill records copy, although I must admit, the original copy on pink wax woulda have been awesome. I wish they would have kept the original artwork as it's one of my favorite album covers of all time, however, I do love the artsy photographs of the original artwork that they used. I still remember the last time I saw these guys, they hit the breakdown of Tower of Snakes as cartons of lo mien, eggrolls, teriyaki pork, and fried rice were launched across pit, and the dance floor erupted from the stage back to the merch tables. Crab rangoons and crowdkills? Don't mind if I do! by the way did we ever find out who the fuck shot John Lennon?

"How long will I hide behind this pen, and how long will you wait for me?

I guess until the ink runs out..."

In other news, I had my yearly physical today. Blood pressure a tad high, also had bloodwork done to make sure that my A1-C is still in check. I'm hoping it is. I've put a lot of work into getting that down to normal range. I am also starting a new SSRI to take in conjunction with the Wellbutrin that I am on. Hoping that this keeps my lows balanced out. I hate fucking with SSRIs. You never know the outcome, they may work, they may not work, they make you lose your fucking mind. I'm hoping for the best, and I've been on this stuff before, but it was so long ago that I don't remember what the outcome of them were. 

How to make hard decisions

 

I was listening to something this morning in regards to making hard decisions and how do we know if it is the right thing to be doing. These are my take aways from it

The way you make a decision. think about options, the decision that aligns with you that is the right decision is expansive.

-        It creates growth.

-        Exciting, even if it is scary.

If you feel yourself shrinking or a contraction in energy, then it’s a no!

Always use your heart to know what the truth is for you. You brain is used to figure out the analytics of it

-        How will I make it happen?

-        What’s the time frame etc.

 

What you will regret are the things you didn’t do. You will regret not going back to school, you’ll regret if you don’t take your health seriously, you’ll regret not saving for that trip etc. Don’t let your fears hold you back from what you know in your heart you want to do.

 

1.How you feel about someone, or something is very different than how that person makes you feel, Put the weight of your decision in how the person/ place makes you feel.

 

2. you must know the difference between what the right decision is in your heart vs. your fear of making that decision. Always find the courage to make the decision that is in your heart. You will never, ever regret it.

 

 

In other news, I called the clerks office at knox county court and they  stated even though we are restructuring the 50/50 agreement that we could still go into mediation for the 1 week on 1 week off scenario. They also stated that it’s hard to pinpoint the time frame as to how long it takes to get into a hearing for the time you submit paperwork. She did state that if we got in well before the beginning of the school year that we can request to have the start date take place in September.

That was a fast weekend

 I can't believe that this weekend is over already. I feel pretty good tonight despite how busy we were and the amount of stuff that was accomplished. Two college graduations. Friday was my sons mothers graduation, and then yesterday was my best friends wifes graduation. A lot of miles traveled in the last few days. Last night was a good evening however. you came over to hang out with little man and I. Ice cream, tv and some brief hangouts before he went to bed. Once that took place it was time for a tub and then to bed for snuggles. It was nice to cuddle, and feel the warmth and softness of each other. The next morning was a super lazy morning. Breakfast, followed by grocery pickup. Came back to plant some more morning glories for bean, and hung out a bit longer. At this point I had received an email from that ex wife in response to the email about boundaries that I sent her a week ago. I knew she wouldn't be able to read that without responding. I won't be responding as she is looking to hook me into some circular dialog that goes nowhere per usual. Can you imagine being such a snowflake that anytime someone needs to talk to you about a divorce that you caused you are requesting a therapeutic space. sounds more of like a control tactic to me.  However, based on some of her bullet points that she thinks she knows, I had a conversation with my son afterwards to find out if the things he told me about being happy she was around again, and missing her boys was really something that he felt or if he was saying it because he thought it would make daddy happy. He said that he said it because he felt that way. I also asked him if he felt safe around her and safe at home and he said that he did. rest of the day was pretty mellow. we watched fox and the hound and I took a dad nap on the couch, we ate supper and the next thing I knew it was time to bring little man back to his moms. 

Whirlwind day

 holy moly, what a whirlwind of a day, and another set for tomorrow. Gonna keep this short. However, today I brought the little guy up to orono so he could watch his mother graduate. This was the first time that I have seen her since I emailed the boundaries to her. I really wasn't sure what to expect. Surprisingly she gave me my space, and when we did interact with her (mainly to snap some photos of her and the little guy) it's was pretty brief. I pretended I had a energy shield surrounding me to deflect any bullshit. Prior to the graduation, I got to meet up with a dear friend of mine at his place in Milford. To my surprise he had two racks of ribs and jalapeno cornbread waiting for us when we arrived. Talk about taking us to chow town. It was good to catch up with him, albeit fairly brief. Tomorrow is graduation number two, only this time in Augusta followed by baseball practice. afterward, if all works out, my love will be coming over so integrate her with little man again, and so that we can have some quality time tomorrow night and breakfast the next morning. I hope it works out. 

Wildflowers.

 

This song has a very Townes Van Zandt feel to it, but it makes me think of you. It's a beautiful song. I'd pick all the wildflowers, and bring them all to you.

first time back

Yesterday was certainly a long day at work, with not a whole lot to do. Last night, however, was a lot of fun. Once work was done for the day I took care of the dog and then packed up and went over to her house for my date with the boys. It was a little weird rolling up to the house and I felt a little uneasy because I wasn't sure what to expect when I got there. I wasn't sure what was going to happen with her family when they saw me over there. I know she gave them heads up, but I was still apprehensive. Doggos was with me, and he was happy to be sniffing and running around the with other dogs. Surprisingly, not a whole lot was mentioned, Her sister did make a comment about the dog, but, if that's all the backlash that I received for the night then it was alright by me. The boys were really happy to see me, and were eager to have me come upstairs to play video games with them. I was eager to crack dad jokes and and learn all about Minecraft and Super Mario deluxe. I can't believe how much they changed in a fairly short amount of time. Not only growth wise, but maturity wise as well. It was really a great thing to see. You're doing a great job with them. 

They were both chatty and excited to see me, I got quite a few hugs from the little one followed by "I missed you so much" each time. This melted my heart. I missed them too. I'm so glad the connection with the boys is still there. They are great kids and I am glad to have them in my life. I'm honored to be dad. Once we were well into our adventure with Super Mario Brothers Deluxe it was time for supper. I hadn't eaten before I  came over, nor was I expecting to eat at your place. to my surprise, when I came down she had fixed me a plate of mac n cheese, dino nuggets, and carrots. That was super sweet. I got to eat with my family again. Another full bucket experience. I was taken back a bit more when the little one asked me if I could say grace, and that you let me say it. As awkward as it was for me to do that, especially in a house that's not mine, was an honor. I took it as the first step at leading my family into something with this second chance I have been blessed with. I would like to make that a tradition moving forward. To top it off I even got to have some of the oldest's left over birthday cake. I know she wasn't specifically saving it for me, but I can pretend that she was. 

After supper it was back to Mario brothers. We never made it to the boss in the land that we were in at that moment, but that's okay. we had a fun time stealing each others power-ups, accidently killing each other and then all sighing when it was time for bed. Another melt your heart moment was about to take place. Both boys wanted me to stay the night, and each of them brought me one of their blankets in the event that I chose to stay. Those boys are so sweet. I'm sure they were bummed that I had to head back to the house last night. Not because I didn't want to stay, because believe me, I did. I wanted to so badly spend the night with her. But I chose not to out of respect for her parents. 

Once the kids went to bed we got to spend some alone time together. We sat down and spent some time creating a list of things that need to happen within the time span that we have to work with. I thought it was a pretty good list. I was also able to give you your foot rub that I told you that i would give you. it was nice to see you relax for a little bit. This followed by some snuggle time, and tender kisses before I headed back to the house. Overall it was a good night. I was very happy that it happened. I was happy. 

Anxiety & the Butterflies within

Today is Wednesday. I got up and did my affirmations, and actually made myself an omelet for breakfast and some toast with your moms blackberry jam. I'm feeling pretty good, a little tired from running. Based on the weather and only giving myself a 1 day break from running since I have started, I think i'm going to take today off from running. If the rain holds off I'll take doggos for a walk. Today marks the first day that I get to go over and see you and the boys since we split., hang out, have some feel good moments together, and then to continue discussing a plan to transition. I'm excited, 41 years old and I have butterflies. An awakening realization of what I'm lucky to have, and the time spent apart. I guess absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Needless to say it is going to be a long day at work. 

per morning routine of the last few months, I listened to our horoscopes and started listening to Mel Robbins. Today was about the different kinds of anxiety. Under reacting and over reacting anxiety. She recognizes that she is an over reactor and interviewed her family members to see how it made them feel when she went into that mode. She also brought up a few different scenarios that happened in their family life, and how she responded. Sounds like we have something in common Mel. Overthinking and reactionary decisions? yep. That's me! 

She talked about being able to reign yourself in, and to have your partner keep you in check when they sense that is what you are up to. This spoke to me as this has been a talking point in our relationship at different points, and something I am going to work very hard on. I recognize this was a huge blow to our relationship last year (and a few other points.) It's us versus the world, not Matt versus the world. 

It was nice to see your face last night on our video chat. Although you had a long day of travel, work, and then tending to the kids, I appreciate you carving out time for me. It means a lot. You're a wonderful soul. You also found one of my favorite pictures of you. I was so excited when you sent it to me yesterday over text message. I thought it was lost forever. Stay beautiful<3

Words ring true

This song has really hit home the last year. I found tears streaming down my face this morning. There's many verses that I connect with on a personal level, but the last two lines of the song really spoke to me, and they hit me hard. Thinking about how lost in my own darkness I was. I'm glad I found direction, However,  In the eyes of other people it was such a long time for me to be gone, but for me ,it was a short time to be there...... 

Look out of any window

Any morning, any evening, any day

Maybe the sun is shining

Birds are winging or rain is falling from a heavy sky

What do you want me to do

To do for you to see you through?

For this is all a dream we dreamed

One afternoon long ago

Walk out of any doorway

Feel your way, feel your way like the day before

Maybe you'll find direction

Around some corner where it's been waiting to meet you

What do you want me to do

To watch for you while you're sleeping?

Then please don't be surprised

When you find me dreaming too

Look into any eyes you find by you

You can see clear through to another day

Maybe it's been seen before through other eyes

On other days while going home

What do you want me to do

To do for you to see you through?

It's all a dream we dreamed

One afternoon long ago

Walk into splintered sunlight

Inch your way through dead dreams to another land

Maybe you're tired and broken

Your tongue is twisted with words half spoken

And thoughts unclear

What do you want me to do

To do for you to see you through?

A box of rain will ease the pain

And love will see you through

Just a box of rain, wind and water

Believe it if you need it

If you don't, just pass it on

Sun and shower, wind and rain

In and out the window

Like a moth before a flame

And it's just a box of rain

I don't know who put it there

Believe it if you need it

Or leave it if you dare

And it's just a box of rain

Or a ribbon for your hair

Such a long, long time to be gone

And a short time to be there

Take Control pt. 3

 I sat down this morning for a bit before work to finish the third class in Mel Robbins Take Control course. For a free course it was pretty decent. I was at least able to see why I was feeling "Meh" about things in my life, and why I didn't have energy.  What are my take aways from This course?

1. I want to excel

2. I was burned out & in survival/coping mode

3. I need to add things to my life that give me happiness

4. Over time that happiness will fill my cup, pushing a lot of my worries and stress out of my life. This provides clarity to see the bigger picture. 

5. My superpower is a being a "brick layer." I know each calculated step to get from point A to point B. Coping mode puts me in tunnel vision and I can't see the bigger picture. I can get lost along the way and not reach my end goal.  You are a dreamer. Your strength is my weakness, and my strength is your weakness.

6. Sitting down and writing 5 things per day that I want, big or small will help me balance the Brick layer vs. the dreamer mentality, and help to keep the bigger picture in focus.

What I want in life

Now that I have a clear head and am awake, I took some time to think about the things that I want in my life. I don't know if all these things will happen, but It's a list of things I really want. Things that sit in my heart. These are all things that I can envision when I close my eyes.  I try to keep names  out of my posts, so some of these things may be a bit genericized, but who knows, maybe you still read this thing........

Things that I want in life:

-You and the boys. The five us us under one roof

-I want to be a supportive partner

-I want to be a supportive father to all the kids

-I want to have fun & be more carefree

-Happy & Healthy (including healing traumas)

-Develop a house that's safe & full of love

-Do well in my career / Success

-Continue to do the record shop

-Travel out of the country at some point

-Continue to grow personally, mentally, spiritually

- Be a man with Integrity & teach the boys to live to that code

- Volunteer in the community at some point (the elderly?)

- Continue to grow and be more comfortable in my sexual life

-To be more present

- Have a back yard of kids playing 

-Grow old with the one that I love 

Monday dump

Rather slow day at work today, so I shifted my focus to catching up or organizing, cleaning, and pricing records. I had received word that the bins at the shop got hit rather hard over the weekend, so grabbed a crate full of choice selections and filled them up on my lunch break.  The rest of the afternoon was actually spent pricing records and doing laundry. I have noticed a big change in my energy levels as of late. It's nice to be able to do a bunch of tasks and not be totally wiped out like is the case normally. The storm system moved through way faster than anticipated, and the sun actually came out. I took the opportunity after work to go running up to the Owls head transportation museum. The music in the headphones made me feel good. I went with Florida hardcore band Know the Score, their record all time low still gets my blood flowing. I may have been jogging, but in my head I was throwing spinkicks, crowd-killing people, and throwing those ever crucial finger points. It felt good to sweat and breath deep. 2.3 miles in 24 minutes. Not bad, certainly way better than my 20 minute miles in high school. Once I get in the zone and nail my pace I get flashbacks of doing PT with my fellow officers at the prison. What a shitty job that was. 

I had another phone date tonight with my boys. It made me happy. we got to do video chat tonight, so I got to see their faces. They have changed so much. Wednesday is a big step, I get to go back over to see them, and spend time with them. I'm kind of nervous as this is the first time I will have seen the rest of her family since we split. Not really sure what to expect. It was nice to see your face tonight. I miss it. I'm glad that you notice the clarity that I have now. It validates that I am right about the clarity and not just making it up or thinking it's gone when it's really not. I hope that aids in your feelings and comfort about coming home. I want this to be as easy as possible for you.  On a completely different note, this Wipers album is totally hitting that sweet spot tonight. 

A calm in the air

 I decided to celebrate my promotion and work, so I splurged last night while out shopping and picked up the new Metallica record that recently came out. I've been a life long fan, and still remember the copy of Master of Puppets that my supervisor, Michelle, slipped me at the nursing home when I used to volunteer when I was just a boy. Life altering moment. At the very least I figured I need to get prepped for the Metallica weekend that I am going to next year with the boys. They may very well be a dad rock band at this point, but They put on a hell of a show. Tailgating is also fun as hell. Bring on the Whiskey and burgers (i fucking hate whiskey.) 

We're in May already, can you fucking believe it?! I have already posted my goals for the month in my journal, and have printed and taped them to the wall in my bedroom. I am happy with the progress that I made last month. I feel stronger, my mind is clearer, push-ups are getting a little easier, planks are smoother and not as choppy. The next few days will be tough to get through as it's supposed to rain the entire time. I had pushed myself for the last 6 days, so I didn't go running. I did my push ups and planks. I also took the day off from doing any self care stuff with the exception of reading my book a bit, just to give my brain a rest. Tonight I plan on finishing the last part of the take control course by Mel Robbins after I talk with the boys. I'll probably clean, price and bag some records as well. 

The last 48 hours has been a lot to process. I officially sent off the boundaries to the ex-wife, surprisingly I haven't heard anything at this point. I can't imagine that she will let me stand my ground without giving some sort of pushback. So I am anticipating some sort of rebuttal.  I need to protect my family. I was tired yesterday from all the emotional energy that has been expelled over the last few days. It was nice to have conversation with you last night, and start coming up with needs and coming up with some boundaries. I understand your scared, and I understand there may be unease, it's also nice to hear the excitement, and happiness come through in your voice. At the end of the day , that 's what I want. You to be happy. I want my queen to thrive, feel safe, and be in a spot where you feel at home, are able to add that love & softness that we all need to our family, and have the strength to get out of survival mode and excel. It's been reassuring, and I feel blessed to have this second chance. 

Tonight I have a phone date with the boys, that is, if they are feeling up to it as they are not feeling well. I miss them, and I feel like although it's only been a few months since I have seen them, that I have missed a lot. They have grown, their little faces are maturing, they sound clearer on the phone. I'm looking forward to strengthening our bond, and continuing to be the good dad that I have been to them for the last five years. Being a father/ dad is the hardest job that I have had, but the rewards are so worth it, and watching these little individuals grow and aspire to continue to be good people as they mature, knowing that you had some sort positive role in that is, well, what it's all about. Even if they are all annoying at times! If I'm on my death bed, and I see my three boys all grown up, with families of their own and operate with integrity and love, and holding your hand,  I can die easy knowing that I have fulfilled my role as a father. I hope they take the lessons I can teach them, and instill in them, and also instill them in my grand children (if I'm so lucky to have them.) 

I feel good about the future. I feel good about what I feel towards my family. What we have for connection and substance is way more memorable than anything on this new Metallica Record! I'm looking forward to the future. I love you, Poopface.

May Goals

I wrote my April goals down on paper, but moving forward I think I will generate my list of goals and just publish them here. It's going to be a mix of physical and mental work so I can implement things that I have been reading about. There are so many things that I have been reading up on and digesting that it will help me organize and prioritize what I want to work on. Each item will be worked on in some manor every day. I picked up the 3 steps to change your life from Mel Robbins, so I plan on sitting down this weekend to visualize this stuff and implementing it. 

Physical goals:

• Pushups- 60 every day
• Planks- as long as I can hold them for 
• Jogging- to the transportation museum building and back

Mental Goals:

• Recite my affirmation statements
• Practice my empathy skills
• Talk to my inner child
• Write/ blog daily
• Finish my book - the hilarious world of depression
• Research- Communication & Having hard conversation

   3 STEPS TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE

Step 1- MAKE A WISH

    -Close your eyes and think about what you want the next year of your life to look at

    - Change your attitude

Step 2- START TAKING ACTIONS THAT ALIGN WITH WHAT YOU WANT

    - act like the person you want to be no matter how you feel at the moment. Day by day, brick by brick. Build the path

Step 3- FIND PROOF THAT YOU CAN DO IT

    - Find people who made the change, use people as evidence that it can be done.