Yesterday was..........eventful

 Yesterday was a whirlwind of a day. In the morning I had taken care of the stuff that needed be taken care of. Typical stuff, clean house, dump run, sent out mail orders and then played some basketball in the drive way leading up to my therapy appointment. It was a really good session, I had filled her in as to what has transpired since we last met. I had let her know that I had sat down to set some boundaries with my ex-wife, which she wanted me to read to her. So, I did and she was rathe impressed with them She helped me reword them so that they weren't so much on the attack. She said they were solid boundaries, straight to the point and well worded. She armed me with some rebuttal statements as I am expecting to get flak for setting boundaries for myself . My plan is to email them tonight when I get back from dropping my son off. If I get any pushback I can use my rebuttal statements and if the boundaries are not honored then she will guide me as to what my options are at that point.

After working on the boundaries I had started talking to her about how I was losing my second family, and that my heart was telling me that we have been through entirely too much to throw out what we have. I whole heartedly believe that if we were to transition like we should have and seek help of a counselor that we could survive this and my goal is that it brings us closer together. I had let her know what my plan was. That I was going to honor your boundary of giving you space, but that I know if I give you six months like you had asked, that you would be gone and that I would have missed my opportunity. Knowing who you were with, knowing he was looking for a house, I saw the writing on the wall that you were going to settle for him and move in. I couldn't let that happen and told her that I need to fight and if you say no, then I will accept it and move on. 

I told her that I was struggling with the time frame, torn between honoring your request, to a point, but addressing the situation sooner than later. I had a handful of loose talking points that I wanted to bring up. My plan was to give you to the end of May, and then find you, and have my High Fidelity moment. My therapist said that I was worried about things that were out of my control. Don't worry about the timing, when the conversation is meant to happen, it's meant to happen and go from there. Stop worrying about the what ifs. So I said okay. I'll stop worrying about the what ifs, but I'm still planning on talking to her end of May before I head down to Georgia to help with my Nephews for two weeks. My thought was that it would give you two weeks to stew it over and more than likely reject me. I have  been praying for this situation for quite a few months at this point, since last year actually. I recently told God that This is so much bigger than I am, and I need help, I can't do this alone and that if he see's it that we are to be together it'll happen. Great conversation with the therapist overall. I made an appointment for next week.

After the appointment, we ate lunch and then decided to go hiking, Rheault Trail  near the Camden Snowbowl. Great little hike down through Mossy woods, following a really beautiful creek, The trail then winds up a hill and through the woods and dumps you out into the middle of these insanely gorgeous Blueberry fields. Know that we are supposed to get dumped with four days of rain, and the weather being gorgeous, we absolutely made the correct call to go hiking. We came home and played some more basket ball. Until you sent me a text. I glanced down and noticed it was quite a lengthy message, read through how you were reading my journal, proud of my progress and it's encouraging, but were also furious that I am just waking up now. I thought to myself "Well, I guess this is the opportunity, my last stand at the Alamo." I decided to call you at that moment instead of texting you back. You were crying when you answered, and I went into my dialog. I was proud of myself as I was able to get my points across with conviction, and without being an asshole about it (let's face it, i'm not wired to be an asshole.)  I spent the next 40 minutes pacing around my back yard, making points, and pointing at the ground vigorously with each point that I made. I emptied my soul out, it was raw. To the point that I had nothing else to say and stated that the ball was in your court now and that I would accept any outcome. 

You called me an Ass, but in a way that was caring if that makes sense, laugh crying. You heard me. I was finally awake &  I had gotten through to you. My prayers were answered and I couldn't have been happier. I am blessed to have another chance to save my family. To my surprise you wanted to come over to continue the conversation, AND you broke it off with the other guy. I was totally floored, and everything seemed surreal.   You came over last night, and we ate Chinese food and talked, talked a little bit about how we need a plan and don't want to rush it. Making sure it's done right. We then took a tub. It was nice for the both of us to be back in our talking tub. The water was hot, Emotions were high, and you had quite the release. It felt good to comfort you in my arms and rock you, and little you back and forth in the water. 

You brought face masks with you, which I was happy about as we used to do that together on our self pampering nights. It was nice to share that experience with you again. Watching silly video shorts that you sister sent you. White lady's of America! The rest of the evening is only for our minds and bodies to remember. However, a combination of love making and raw pounding I think is just what we needed, followed by soft kisses and cuddles.  We haven't missed a beat, and that connection is still there. I thought it was all a dream, I expected to wake up this morning and to find out that it was a dream and never took place. I peaked my eye open and there you were. Head on the pillow, peaceful calm on your face, and your naked body pressed up against mine. You were there, it really did happened. I felt a peace in my chest that I hadn't felt in a while. I'm going to be okay, WE are going to be okay.

Little guy and I at Rheault Trail

Did I really appreciate you?

One of the things that I have been trying to work through is appreciation. The fact that I made you feel like you were not appreciated. Again, I can't deny your feelings, and if I made you feel that way, I am sorry. Did all the things I appreciate you for get lost in the mix?  Fact is, that has been sitting with me for a few weeks now. I took some time to think about it. I asked myself some questions. Did I really appreciate her? Did I value her? If I did really appreciate her, what did I actually appreciate her for? The answer is yes, I do. Very much so.  I made a pretty lengthy list so I can visualize all the things that I appreciate her for, this of course doesn't encapsulate the full list:

Why I appreciate you:

- You're a supportive partner

- You have a big heart

-You're a great mother 

- You're determined in all things that you do

- You're passionate about life 

- You seek to understand 

-You expect more out of people and push them to be the best version of themselves

-You are beautiful 

-You're beautiful on the inside down to a soul level

- You are a great friend to people

- You know what you want

-You complete me

-You love hard

-You love your family

-You're tender but also know when not to be

-You allowed me to take care of you when you were sick 

-You helped me grow as a person 

-You carried my child

-You're fun and bring out the best in me

-You make home, home.

-You're a hard worker

-You're cooking

-You're appreciation for life & connection with it

-You're empathic ability

-You're passion & curiosity about things

-You're love for plants, and turning me on to them

-You know me better than anyone

-I love you're ability of intuition & to see patterns

-I love your artwork

- That you are sentimental

-You're a straight shooter (even when it's hard to hear things)

-That you're an adventurer & free spirit

-Your passion in the bedroom and willingness to teach

-You strive for more than what you had

-Tremendous amount of work you have done understanding and adapting to special needs

-I love your soul

-The connection that you made with me and the bond that we have/had

-Always bringing me coffee in the morning (even if you were mad)

-The way that you look at me from across the room

-The sparkle in your eyes

-Your smile

-The way that you make me feel

-Allowing the connection between me and your boys to take place

Solutions for transitioning two families under one roof

I have been thinking about how I would handle getting back together with an ex or potentially my next transitional experience with my next family. I have learned from a lot reflecting on the last two years, and also on things that never crossed my mind to do. This is what I have come up with, a list of items that I would present to my partner, we could add any steps that she would feel needed to be included, but I think this would be a really good skeleton of how we could make things work. Looking at this list, this is something that I feel really should have been implemented. I let the excitement of buying the house and my eagerness to get the ball rolling on the next step cloud my already clouded vision of how it would work. 

How I would Handle getting back together OR my next family transitional experience

- Forgive for past transgressions and start with the clean slate mindset

- Sit down & Develop clear written expectations so we are on the same page

- Generate written list of Needs & Share with partner ( so partner can use to reference)

- Set any boundaries needed, verbalize to partner and give to partner (so they can use to reference)

- Start transitional counseling

- Set a target date to move in advance so we can ramp up the kids

- Mini morning check ins to discuss daily needs or concerns

- Sunday night weekly check in to write down needs of coming week or current concerns

- Open dialog about concerns if need be to prevent snowballing to explosive outcomes

-Remind partner it's us against the world and not us against each other or Matt against the world

Woke up to this

I woke up early this morning. As I was staring out of the window, I was thinking about the last two months of really working on myself, both physically, mentally & spiritually. I know I've got a long way to go, but I am proud of myself for making the progress that I have made. I've already seen progress with my running, in my pushups, in the time I can hold my planks, being more positive, the hard realization about sexual abuse and having an open discussion about it and accepting it, making the connections about how i wronged and hurt you and sitting in those moments to understand how you may have felt, or even though it's a pain in the ass at times, how much I love writing and how therapeutic it is for me. and starting to find the joy with many things, like remembering how much i loved playing basketball. It's amazing to think about how much I lost myself  between the marriage, living in survival mode for so long and mental illness.  It's nice knowing that it's not stemming from a determination to get someone back (don't get me wrong, I have hopes, but it's not my drive.) But from a viewpoint of wanting to fix myself so this never happens again because I can't repair myself from losing a third family.  Either way, I picked up my phone to check something and this was the first thing that greeted me today. I take it as a sign that I'm on the right path, I took comfort in that. I am better than just "okay." I am worthy, I am loved & and I deserve and on my way to being happy. I want to try to find some sage this weekend so that I can smudge the house and get rid of the negativity that is leaving me so it doesn't linger. I'm not even sure where to find them. 

Late night brain dump

I feel like I have to write so much as of late so that I can release all of my thoughts, that way  I don't stew and overthink everything. I've been feeling good as of late, the heaviness i  have within my chest is dissipating, I feel lighter. I have a lot of thoughts in my head, but I have been managing them, and my anxiety has been fairly low, which is great. I have an appointment on the 8th to try a new mood stabilizer.  Hopefully when I do have a low that will help to keep it more even keel than an actual low. I may have already mentioned that. I've written so much that I can't remember anymore. 

Being on that phone tonight really made me feel good. made it feel like old times. I wish we could start fresh. start over, do counseling, hell I'd even take you out on another first date. it's clear we all miss each other.  It's clear that the boys still love me, and  it's clear I still love them. What are we doing?! The excitement in the boys voices when I answered the phone, it brought back memories of when I would knock and they would come running to the door just so excited that I was there. Why are we throwing all of this out? we have so much history to just throw it away , we have a history that is worth fighting for.  I keep hoping that this was a last attempt to get me to get my shit together. I want to make it right, and I want to continue to do right by you. I want to be your container. I want to be your lover.  I want to be all the things. Just come home. All this has me feeling like I just want to go outside in the horse pasture and yell at the top of my lungs right now. let us learn together and Let me heal your wounds. Sometimes I hate being a hopeless romantic. 

I have therapy appointment tomorrow morning, I'm wondering if she has an agenda that she wants to start with? If she doesn't I'm going to ask her to help me create solid boundaries that I can set. I have one or two that I can think of in my head currently. I just don't know what the" Or what" part is going to be yet, I guess that's what I need the help with. I know one of them is "Thursday - Sunday I don't want you randomly stopping by to see our son. He will call you at 8pm on those days." But what is the repercussion of that if she did stop by? I guess we'll see. I need a release. I'm gonna go give myself one. 

Birthday talks

It was so nice to hear your voices tonight. 

You guys sounded so excited.

It filled my heart to hear your joys

It made me so happy, my heart swelled

I can't believe you're nine & seven

It seems like yesterday you were toddlers

So many memories flooded my head.

For a moment it felt like old times.

I miss those times.

I miss reading to you

And hearing the sound of laughter

All the little art projects

And all of the pig piles

Swinging you upside down

Most of all, I miss being dad. 

Gut feelings & Validation

I have been trusting my gut feeling and following my heart, this has helped me stay motivated. Slowly chipping away at progress in the journey to heal and mold the person that I want to be. This morning I had my son doing positive affirmations with me. I'm sure that sausage (our dog) was looking at us and wondering what the hell we were doing. We had some fun with it this morning. I had a great heart to heart today with an old friend and it was nice to be validated in my feelings and that I have laid out the proper goals for the next month anyway. The last two months have scared me out of survival mode, and it's so nice to be able to see clearly and not have the brain fog that has been lingering for the last 5 years. My brain is still scattered a bit in the way, i guess, someone with ADDs brain is scattered, but things are actually clear. I'm going to be sitting down this weekend to write down exactly what I want so that I can visualize it. 

I think the running has helped with that as well. I took that positive energy and ran from the house up to the owls head transportation museum on my lunch break. It only took me 30 minutes lol. It felt good to sweat, and it felt good to channel some positive energy, the sun was also nice. I have a project to complete this afternoon and then we have baseball practice tonight followed by a special phone call with two little boys. I'm excited to talk to them, I miss them. I'm looking forward to hearing how they have been doing and hear what they have been up to. I miss the commotion, and the pure innocent excitement and wonder that those boys have. Although I am okay with being by my self now, the silence is deafening at times. while I was running I had a picture in my head on the way back to the house of you guys standing in the driveway waiting for me to come back from the run. This gave me the motivation to push through to the finish line. even though my hips were achy. 

Total side note, I played basketball by myself this week and had fun doing it. I forgot how much I used to like playing basketball. 

Gas Lighting

There has been a lot swirling in my head the last few weeks. Coupled with the deep dive I have been doing I have come to realize a few things. There are absolutely times that I gas lit people . The big one specifically is regarding deep conversations that I would have, and then there would be a lack of change from my end. the talk was there but the actions were not, or if they were, they weren't done enough to establish a pattern of progress. That's a big realization for me, first, I'm actually connecting the fact that this is a form of gas lighting. Secondly that sucks to realize that has been going on. There is a few reasons as to why this sucks. The biggest reason is because it caused pain, and hurt in the people that I love. There is no excuse for it. I'm not sure why that has been a reoccurrence, it's certainly not for lack of caring or lack of love. 

What really brought this topic up for me today was thinking about the tunnel vision aspect of being stuck in survival/coping mode. The fact that you are only focused on what is in front of you at that very minute in time. Interesting when we look at that in the context of a conversation and gas lighting. I am certainly in the conversations at that moment and then after that conversation, we'll say by the next day,  the progress piece is already fallen outside the scope of the tunnel vision because I need to focus on what I have to do to make it to the next part of my day. Interesting cause and effect. Interesting survival mode can set off chain reactions. I'm not sure if that's really the case here, but it makes sense to me, being able to connect the dots. I'm glad that I am aware of that now though so I can work on it. 

The other reason why it sucks is because I try to carry myself with integrity and doing the right thing. it's one of those things that I've always prided myself on. I have some faults in my life but I have always tried to do the right thing (whether that turned out to be the case is a different story) and follow my heart with decisions that need to be made. Gas lighting people is NOT the definition of integrity, intentionally meaning to gas light someone or not ( I would never intentionally gas light someone.) This is something that I am aware of now, and will be working on this. The other piece I want to address is the day at basketball when "it's not a big deal" came flying out of my mouth. It is 100% a big deal, kids were involved, and it disregarded your feelings on the matter. This makes me feel like a complete, total ass. I'm terribly sorry :(

Full Custody pt.3 & Insurance

This morning was productive at least. I had a meeting with a lawyer regarding the water damage situation that took place last summer. We had a consultation about potential representation and taking the company to court. Due to the claim being upwards of $21,000 I am not able to handle this in small claims court. It's going to cost at least $3000 to get to the mediation table and no guarantees on an offer to settle, and may lead to trial at that point. on top of that if I do win my case he's gonna take another $5000 off the top of what ever is awarded. So I may have to spend $8000-$10000 to pocket $2000-$3000 bucks. Talk about discouraging. He's going to forward all of the information that we talked about and I've got some analyzing and thinking to do on this. I'm not sure how the hell I'm gonna get that paid off. Insurance companies are such a fucking scam. They make a living off of other peoples misfortunes and somehow sleep well at night. Talk about sociopaths....

I paid for a full hour consultation on the matter and had time left over so I decided to get a second opinion about obtaining full custody of my son based on his mother being manipulative, narcissistic, weaponizing  and having him live with an abusive alcoholic for a year plus and lying to me about said information. That I have a copy of the PFA against her ex and that I didn't find out about it until the day she called to tell me she just put it against him. He stated that I don't have a case. It would need to be a situation of abuse, neglect, drug related for me to have a shot. He concurred that I could change the custody agreement to have me listed as primary resident, which really would only come into play in the case of child support payments, and that I could get allocated rights to make decisions on medical, educational decisions, etc. in the event of disagreement. He stated that it would really just be a "one up" on her on the paperwork . I've got one other law firm I'm contacting for a third opinion on the matter. 

**edit**

Received a phone call from Moncure & Barnicle regarding my inquiry about sole custody. Another confirmation that there is no case for sole custody. They did state that if she gets back with her abusive boyfriend or something to that effect takes place in the future than I can file a motion of change of custody. I discussed Primary Residence and she confirmed that where I'm not currently paying child support it wouldn't have much effect for me with the exception that I could have the right to say I'm primary. It would give me the right to tax returns every year, but based on divorce decree we alternate claiming him. Her recommendation was to wait until he is twelve and and wait for a good time to work it into conversation to see if he verbalizes that he wants to live with me full time, if it's something he wants to do then fill out the paperwork to start the process. 

Taken for granted & Broken Trust

Yesterday was a fairly quiet day at work, and spent some time reading up on broken trust and what it means to be taken for granted. That line "you took me for granted" keep ringing in my head, I can hear the hurt in your voice. This is something that I need to address, and , well, hence me reading up on it so that I can acknowledge what your truth in the matter was. I was gonna write about it in the afternoon, but really didn't know how to start. After work I went for a run, and achieved a new personal best distance wise, almost double what I have been doing. I was both happy and proud of myself because running has always been hard for me. There is a good portion of that run I don't remember because I was in my head again, thinking about the events leading up to the breakup that made you feel like you were not appreciated and broke your trust. It breaks my heart to know that's how I made you feel, because that was never my intent, but I recognize that those events did happen, and I own that. I can absolutely understand why you feel the way that you do, and those feelings are 100% valid. It must have felt like a slap in the face, and I never meant to disregard those feelings, but it happened. The fact that I made you feel alone, when you were scared, the fact that I didn't let you know I was giving her a ride and agreed to watch the boys. That's not fucking fair to you and I'm sorry. an apology is not enough I know. I don't have the opportunity now to repair that. 

I knew what I had, I was blessed to have what I had, no man would ever want to lose that kind of partner. If you only knew how much I do appreciate you, and everything that you have done for me or taught me, and are still continuing to teach me as I reflect , research & connect dots. I wish I could repair that hurt. I wish that I could repair the trust. Build it back.  In order for me to build that back, firstly I need the chance. Secondly I need to know what is needed by you to prevent those things from happening again, what do you want? what do you need? Because I never want you to feel like that again. I'm doing the work I need to do to be a container, and I need to protect you from that stuff. I recognize that I will probably not get another chance to make this right, I have to accept that. I have to own that my actions put me in this spot. 

Full Custody pt. 2

So, I just got off the phone with Portland Legal regarding Obtaining full custody of my son. She stated that I don't have enough to obtain Sole Parental Custody. I do have a good shot at obtaining primary residence as my son spends a lot of his time here, certainly more time here over the course of a year. She also mentioned that I could also try to get allocated parental rights where I would have final say if My ex wife and I couldn't agree on a decision. She also confirmed that when Orion is 12 he can legally decide if he wants to live with me full time or not. I need to see what else Primary Residence details here in the state of Maine, or if there are any other "perks" so to speak. Lawyer confirmed that she also has ZERO say of who I have at my house unless it's some sort of abuse or drugs taking place. To be continued in part three!

insurance consultation tomorrow with a different lawyer to see if I can take these asshole to court for trying to get out of paying what they should on that flood damage.

Taking Control pt. 2

 After running and cleaning the house last night I decided to take a tub and watch the video for the second part of the Take Control course that I am working on. Pretty interesting segment. She had talked about how living to go from one daily task to the next daily task puts you in a place of just getting by. There is no real enrichment. This could be your daily tasks, the same routines with your kids. You're accomplishing things, but really your only doing what you need to do to get by. There is no real enrichment. After a while problems in your life start to build up, you focus on those problems, and before you know it you are in Coping mode and are exhausted. Once you're exhausted, you're burned out. 

She had stated that based on a study from some fancy pants ivy league schools, that adding something enriching, such as a hobby that you love back into your life will aid in giving you enjoyment, giving you more purpose and over time helps to wash away the mundane, gives you more energy and gets you out of coping mode. This is really where I have been. Since before my divorce I was in coping mode, and going through divorce that coping mode was fast tracked to levels I had never been before. Because of the nature of the situation I got stuck there, frozen, and have been in coping mode since. 

Since doing the record shop I have noticed that my energy has been coming back, and that I have found like I have purpose outside of my daily tasks. I guess I have more pep in my step. She showed the really great visual of a glass of dirty water, and she slowly poured a pitcher of blue water into the glass and over the course of about 20 seconds or so the blue water that flowed into the cup pushed all the muddy water out. It was a great visualization of how taking a few minutes a day to do something we enjoy (the blue water) can really add fulfillment and happiness to your life (the cup with the muddy water.) 

She later got into the kinds of people that we are when it comes to end goals and aspirations. Some folks are dreamers, some folks are path layers. Each person has traits of each, but one of those are our "super power" and those super powers can compliment each other. I went through the workbook exercise and without a question (I already knew this) that I was a path layer. What I did learn is that the path layers are generally organized and know what steps you need to take to achieve a certain goal. The problem is that we can be so focused on each step that we can lose sight of the bigger picture. Tunnel vision. That got me reflecting on the the last few years of my life.

Being frozen in coping mode put me in tunnel vision + being a path layer & losing site of the big picture = Double Tunnel vision.

Let's put this into context of my life. I've been trying to recover from divorce and focus on the family that I had. I knew I wanted them as my family and for us to be a happy unit. However, being in coping mode, I had enough bandwidth to make it through day to day tasks. This put me in tunnel vision where I could only focus on that moment. Now, know my endgame with my family, being a path layer I would have steps to normally get from point A to point B looking at these steps through the first filter of tunnel vision made it so that I couldn't see or really comprehend the next step. This gave me my second filter of tunnel vision which, which added to more burnout and just totally got me lost. 

Here's a stupid photo of me sitting down this morning to do my workbook after pacing around the house saying affirmation statements and having an out loud dialogue to my inner child.

Full custody

This morning I had to swing into a lawyers office in town to drop off paperwork for a insurance claim battle that I have been in the middle of. The lawyers office, ironically was across the street for the court house. I've been wanting to get a copy of  the restraining order my ex-wife placed against her new boyfriend at the time so that I could have for my records as my son lives with her half the time. that is something that she hid from me for a year. I didn't find out her boyfriend was abusive until she called me to find out if I could watch my son for the week as she just placed a PFA against her boyfriend. My son was living under the same roof  with an abusive alcoholic for a full year before she told me about it. This struck a nerve. There has also been talk in the past of me trying to obtain full custody of my son and it was something I just couldn't deal with at the time as far as bandwidth goes. while I was there I obtained a copy of the custody modification paperwork to review, and am going to consult with a lawyer about my concerns to see if I have the ability, or, have a shot at getting this accomplished. From what I have been reading online it seems like a tall order as she is not physically abusive, or doing drugs, she has a decent job and a place to live. 

However, this PFA will probably come in handy. she is manipulative,  he also spends a majority of his time at my house. we are split 50/50 on paper but he is here after school mon-wed.. I take care of a majority of his medical stuff, am there to help him with his homework five days a week. The list goes on. I need to create a list and then consult with the lawyer to see what happens from there. I may have to wait until Orion is able to legally express who he wants to live with and then get a modification at that point as well. I'm not sure how this goes. This is uncharted waters for me. 

List:

Time: I have my son full time Thursday- Sunday night + Monday-Wednesday 2-2.5hrs after school + vacations (fall/spring/summer) during the week

Homework support 5 days a week

I handle a majority of his doctor appointments and usually pay for them + health insurance

I get his sports schedules organized and most of his other life experiences such as sporting events, concerts, hiking etc. 

she's manipulative / narcissist

I believe she weaponizes my son against me and partners as he's been caught standing in corners listening to conversations

Had my son living with an abusive alcoholic for at least a year and didn't tell me until she filed a PFA against him. 

has burned bridges with most of her friends and her family 

**Update**

phone consultation tomorrow. Let's see what they say.

A letter to him

 I feel compelled to write this, because there are some things that I want to say, that, well, it would be crossing a boundary if I got ahold of you to tell you in person. So, I'll write a letter that you'll never see so at least I can get what I need to say off my chest and out in the open. If I don't say what I need to I'm going to hold on to it, and it's going to become bitterness. Better, not bitter.

To Him,

I've known you for six years now. You're someone that I look to for support, and someone that always supported me while at work. When I met you I was in seriously bad shape. Freshly kicked out of my house, starting a new job at the company and barely able to make it through the daily grind. Someone that I could laugh with, and joke with and gave me  just enough hope get to the next day. I didn't know it yet, but I was about to meet someone that was about to change my life. Someone that over the next 5 years I would come to love, and know on an extremely intimate level. Someone who quite literally may have saved my life on a few occasions. I didn't know it yet, but you guys had a history. Which ceased to be once I came around. 

She was struggling herself, single  mother with 2 toddlers, and she had her own traumas and wounds to tend to, and she opened her home to me so that I didn't have to be alone. A place to go to, quite literally stare at the wall for hours on end. Our relationship started to continue on, and I established a relationship with her boys, and an absolutely special bond with one of them, and a relationship with her family. she got to know my family as well (albeit it long distance for the most part.) We held hands and walked each other through the divorce process that each of us were going through and what started out as a relationship of support blossomed into love. We had our ups and downs and our share of struggles. some due to outside forces and some due to me being frozen in coping mode and really only being able to see through the tunnel. I know that I was far from a perfect boyfriend, but What I did and do continue to have is love for her and her two boys. Over those years they became my family, to the point where we all lived together. I was the boys dad, a damn good dad, and she is my person.

My family has been through a lot, and I know that some of that is most certainly on me. However, we have a life time of experiences that we achieved and have been through in that five year period. Yes there has been hurt. We could have handled things better in the moment. I could have done things differently, she could have done some things differently. Point is, both of us have a lot of baggage and this was our first time trying to blend a family together post divorce. We didn't really know what we were doing. It's a learn as you go, in this case, with some things, realizing what we should have done. Hindsight twenty-twenty.  

The biggest mistake of my life was letting them walk out of my house. Our relationship was on and off for the next year, well ,you obviously know the story. well.........., not fully. What you haven't learned yet is, is that we created a life, a life out of love. although not planned, she was carrying my child for a short amount of time, she was the size of a pea, and we lost her. She wanted to carry my babies. Even though I  was scared, I didn't panic. I told her we would figure it out, I went with her to her ultrasound, held her hand, I made sure that she wasn't alone. If that baby had come around, I would have been a wonderful father to her. This was hard for the both of us. The last few months her and I were still in contact but contact was limited because I knew she was upset about the situation at basketball. The look that she gave me was that I was to go to hell, and not contact them again. I shouldn't have listened,  I should have patched things up a few days after that instead of letting it drag out. I did A LOT of thinking and realized that I can't lose her and the boys. I was hoping to patch things up with her so that we could continue our relationship, and fix issues. We could have made this work especially after her and I have realized things that we could have done, that we didn't think about at the time. We no longer have that chance.

I missed the boys terribly and I finally reached out for a real conversation to see how they were doing. We had some really good conversations, her and I, solid heart talks. full of emotions and ugly crying . I thought we were making some progress. That's when I find out that you had come back out of the jungle like a lion licking his lips ready to pounce. I'm sure that you had been waiting five years to do that. What I have a hard time with is that you know our history's. You know we both rebuilt each other up from the ashes of divorce and tended to each others wounds, both of us had already lost family's and you came in when we were in a low and roped her in. I'm sure it didn't cross your mind as to what it would do to me to have my second family fall apart completely.....pretty slimy. Now I have to watch you take my family  away from me and of course I need to pretend it's okay every day when we work together. 

I know she is looking for some comfort right now. You are her feel good option for the moment, but you're not her soul mate. although you have a history, from how I see it, your history has been playing the part of the person she goes back to when she's in-between relationships. I get where she is coming from with that, cause I would love to have someone like that during these times too. However,  I heard all sorts of reasons why you weren't good for her and why she never really dated you to begin with. I did the right thing though, I was the bigger man and reached out to you to let you know that I adore her and she deserves to be happy and that there was no hard feelings. truth is, that is the  hardest thing that I have done in a while. That took a lot for me to do that, but it bothers me, clearly.

 I'm giving her the space that she needs and I'm working on myself at the moment, mental & physical training,  but, under this fire and determination that is raging in me right now I'm still hoping that she is enjoying herself, taking the time to decompress, doing some soul searching to realize that we really have something, we have way to many memories (both good and bad) and a special connection  that is not worth throwing away before all options are explored(at least I don't, maybe she sees it that way,) and that I am what the boys need in their life... I hope she realizes these things and comes back......

 I realize that you probably felt the same way when I started dating her. It must have been hard to have some new guy come in and date her, I can understand that. The difference between the situations is that you didn't know me then, we weren't friends at that point. But now that I think of it, were we ever really friends, or were you just being nice to me out of respect for her? Either way that was a knife in the back of someone that you, at the very least, had a extremely good working relationship with and say that you have the utmost respect for....

 You had your opportunities to win her over a few times before I came into the picture, why didn't you do it then? Why are you doing it now? why did you just wait in the shadows for five years? why am I in a position where I can't try to make my family whole again? You could turn those questions around on me, I realize that, however, I have been trying to do these things for the last five years. Everyone heals at their own pace from a traumatic event like divorce, let's toss in covid isolation, trying to merge 5 people  into a house for the first time, passing of many loved ones in my life, my house flooding, losing a child , and almost losing my brother in law last year...... and I was not awake. I am now, I hate that it's taken this for it to get rid of the remaining fog. That wasn't fair to her. But you know what? there's no timeline for that kind of trauma, and  I can't lose another family. I can't watch you come in a wisk them away. because of that I can't see the boys because it will tear me apart every time I go to pick them up & drop them off. They already have a undependable father, and now their dad can't see them..... I miss her and my boys terribly. They need to come home. This is their home. Congratulations, you now have the girl, the big promotion and from what you told me last year, are probably buying a house this year. checkmate, you win. Don't worry though, I'll smile and keep giving you that enthusiastic greeting when I see you at work.... Good talk.

Taking Control

 I was turned onto the Mel Robbins podcast recently. Excellent content, straight forward and she delivers the information in a simple and easy way to understand. She has recently launched a free part course called taking control, and since I'm on a journey I figured that I would officially start it tonight. I made it through the first video and through the 1st part of the workbook. It did make me think about what was going on over the last few years though, and really put it into perspective as to how fucked up and high stress of a situation that we were info. Covid, isolation, blending 5 people under a new roof without the tools to do so, personal traumas, I was most certainly still in the mental fuckery of divorce and dealing with a crazy ex wife, followed buy last years losses.

 It really is no fucking wonder how everything combusted. We always got so caught up in the moment, that I don't think we gave ourselves any grace when it came to the reality of what was going on and exactly how much was going on. I know for me it ties directly into the connections that I made in tonight's segments. What resonated with me tonight was how, clearly, I was stuck in a freeze response due to high levels of stress over the last 5 years. Fight / Flee/ Freeze , a direct stress response to change of all levels and sorts. Because of that I know that I certainly go to a point of low energy because I was constantly overthinking and over analyzing. Basically my brain was operating on survival mode.  Because of this I narrowing my focus where my brain and body only dealt with what was in front of me, but was blind to the bigger picture and solutions to things outside of that narrow focus that I was in. I was stuck in coping mode. 

It's because of this I missed a lot of cues and and lot of things that my partner needed. Which caused more pain and hurt. Things that are easy to see now that I'm not overloaded with stress. Easy things that I missed. I'm 40 minutes into the first segment and there's the 1st knife to the gut. I know there are going to be plenty more of those over the next few hours of the course. The rest of the course tonight was spent talking about the "gas gauge" for all different things in your life, and how they relate to your energy. Going through all of the gauges on paper really made it apparent that I have been stuck in coping mode. Next course we will start getting into the things that we can do to break those cycles. This whole situation has me so motivated to make progress on myself because I can't go through something like this again. It's just too painful. I have included the link to the Site incase you are interested in checking it out. I think it'll help a lot of people, and it's truly free. Not just a teaser lesson and then hitting a pay wall. 

Mel Robbins- Taking Control

Just received good news

 Just received good news from my manager that I have officially made Salary and have received a pretty decent pay bump. Super fucking excited. It's been a lot of work to get here. Seems like not to long ago that I was working at my current company through a temp agency for a miserable hourly rate. At  least some prayers have been answered. Now for the others......

Was this empathic? Was this made up?

I woke up this morning at 4am and couldn't go back to sleep, so I started reading up on different types of connections that people have. Soul mates, karmic, twin flame etc. Reading through this stuff triggered a memory of something that happened a few weeks ago. So I had to ask reddit and am interested to see what peoples thoughts are. Feel free to add your thoughts. 

"This is was a really bizarre experience and am trying to figure out what it was. My Ex and I have recently broken up. We had very deep connection with each other, and still do(she is an empath and I have empathic traits.)

A few weeks ago (before I knew she was seeing someone) I was sitting in my chair in the living room and I had this really quick image in my head. It was my Ex’s body from the shoulders up and The face she was making was the same face she would make when we were making love, this was followed by me having this incredible surge/ gasp (almost like when you wake up abruptly from a nightmare.) However, I wasn’t asleep. it was a few weeks later that I found out that she started seeing a guy around this time that she has a history with. this has lead me to start doing some research, but am still questioning what was going on, I’m interested on your take.

what was this experience? is she still connected to me and I was picking up her having sex with her new partner? was she thinking of me while having sex with her new partner? am I just crazy? Did my brain just make this up? day dreaming?"

 Certainly a weird experience. and it left me with more questions than anything. Not something I'm dwelling on or mulling over, just, weird. This was my second experience like this with in the last few months. The other was about a month and a half ago, this was more of a very panicky feeling with a heavy emphasis that something was wrong. That one was an empathic attack. 

**update** A few redditors seem to think that it is or was known as a waking premonition, something I have never heard of before. I've heard of someone having premonitions, but never heard the reference to waking. Pretty interesting read. 

Waking Premonitions

Hard Conversations were had today

I had been thinking most of the night last night about the events that unfolded yesterday and the conversations that were had. I replayed sequence of you saying "I don't hate you, I hate what happened..." and then getting in the van and driving away in my head,  maybe a 100 times. I eventually fell asleep and woke up early. I was in the need of something uplifting, so, we got ready for church and ran into an old friend and had some good conversation before coming back home. 

Continuing with the uplifting theme, I purchased last minute tickets to the Elton John Tribute show "Yellow brick road" that was playing at the waldo theatre, and hit the road for the show. Killer show. Played pretty much every hit you would want to hear from Elton. On the way down, of course, my mind was wandering in and out of thoughts from yesterday again. I thought I was going to shake it once we got to the show.  However, the universe, or divine intervention, or SOMETHING, had a different idea of what was going to happen. The show started, and it was like the universe was sending messages to me. It seemed as if these Elton songs were talking directly to me, as if he wrote every single hit song about what was going on in my life at this exact moment. Telling me what I need to do, and it was very loud, and very clear. A few times during the show I felt myself tearing up. Quite the emotional experience. Over all the show was great, and Orion really seemed to enjoy it as well. 

When we got home, know that I was going to be dropping Orion off at his moms shortly, I messaged her and let her know that we needed to talk. I know that in order to move on processing certain traumas that I need to officially lay this old tired divorce to bed so shrouded the true intention of the conversation with this. She came out to talk when I pulled up. Now she is the type of person that needs to be stroked so I went into the conversation letting her know that I can accept the divorce and that I forgive her for the divorce, not really for her but so that I can move on. I let her know that the divorce was easy for her because she was from the area and has friends and the ability to be social and that she left me totally isolated. she tried to break into a sob story about how she doesn't have anyone and I told her that I don't feel bad, she made her bed, time to lay in it. 

I then went into that during my isolation A family had taken me in and that this family over the course of the last 5 years were now MY family. I told her that I had to watch my family drive away yesterday and that a major reason for them driving away was because of the massive wedge that she put in between me and the one that I love. I proceeded to tell her that I am no longer allowing her to scare or lure me into making irrational decisions by dangling time with my son in my face. That she ruined my family once and I am not going to let her ruin my family again, and I am done playing games. If that means that you want to end up in court then by all means I will meet you there. I am done and no longer scared of her. That I will do what I need to do to protect my family moving forward. This segued into letting her know that I will be having a conversation with her in the near future about new boundaries that will be laid down and a potential change in time with Orion, possibly one week on and one week off.

i'm so over her bullshit and effect that it has had. Fuck around and find out. 

Surprisingly, this conversation came to me very easily and with a calming effect for me instead of the usual anxiety ridden mess that my conversations with her tend to be. I got back in the car feeling really good that I was able to lay it down, and that she was crying on the way into the house. I think all this crying the last few weeks and watching you drive away has finally cleared the last of my hazy brain of mine. Everything seems clear. I'm looking forward to my next session with the therapist.

I am.

I am worthy.

I am enough.

I am loved.

Emotionally exhausted

The last two days have been so emotionally exhausting. A huge chunk of the day yesterday was debriefing everything that has been going on, just to find out that you're already dating someone. I was so angry when I found out. fuming. I went from being sad about the situation to steaming. It took all I had to compose myself to force out the simple phrase "I'm happy that you're happy."  I was just 100% gutted. 

I didn't sleep last night. I tossed and turned, replayed scenarios in my head. What would have happened if I had done this, what would have happened if we had done that. Why didn't we go to therapy. We put the kids in, but didn't go ourselves. why didn't we start therapy before you guys moved in so that we could have had a smooth transition. The hours ticked by. Anger came back, followed by sadness and burning, cramping, nausea in my stomach. Knowing that you were coming over to get your stuff today, I thought about getting up, around 3:30am or so to start bringing all your stuff out of the attic into the garage. I decided not to, and to try to get some sleep. more tossing and turning took place. 

I finally did get out of bed around 6:45. I made coffee, and started taking your stuff out of the attic. I was so sad. That pain in my stomach was still there. My plan was to sit out in the backyard while you loaded your car. I decided to move to the stairs, with no intention of talking to you because the anger started coming back to me. I was able to shake off the anger and composed myself and made my way to you while you were loading the car. I'm glad I did because, because after the awkward small talk I got to debrief with you again. Another emotional breakdown ensued. It was good to chat with you, and I was proud of myself for asking if you settled for this guy or not. I know there is a history, but that's the feeling that I have about it. I don't know what hurts more, losing you as a lover or losing my best friend. 6 months is going to be a long time to see if we can be friends. God I hope you tell me you made a mistake. I need to focus on fixing myself and really doing the hard work. It was so apparent today that the connection is still there. we were so open and raw with each other. 

Once you left I decided to head out of the house. we took sausage down to the ocean for a bit and threw rocks into the ocean. tried to enjoy the weather and have some fun with the little guy. Played basketball for a bit.  I had the urge to message your new lover as I have a good working relationship with him and told him that you deserve to be happy and no hard feelings. it was so hard for me to do that, but i felt like it needed to be done. 

I had a big conversation tonight with Orion. that Daddy cannot live alone for the next 30 years and how incredibly lonely I am up here, and isolated , and I was so happy to have a family and how much I loved the five of us and because of his mothers interference I lost my family. I told him that it's important that when you love someone to never let anyone take that away from you, ever. I told him at some point down the road, hopefully I will have a family again in this house and  he needs to be okay with sharing me, and that he will never be forgotten, and that he doesn't have to fight for time with dad, there is enough of me to go around.

For the few views per entry that I get on this blog, I would absolutely love to think that you are one of the ones who consistently read.  I want you back, I should have told you to come home that day...... we should have gone to family therapy, even if we started  just a few months ago. We owed it to ourselves. I feel like we each worked on ourselves over the last 5 years, but we didn't bring in the outside tools to help us reinforce our relationship from the forces of evil. That deep soul level connection that we have deserved it and that's not fair to US that we didn't explore that path at the very least.

Who's staring back at me?

I missed you yesterday. I wanted to turn my feelings of missing you into something positive. So I did something silly. This is something that is out of my wheel house, but, I said fuck it. I had a psychic drawing of my "soulmate" done. I take these things with a grain of salt, but I was really hoping to see your face staring back at me. sigh. I'll post the reading that she did in another update as it's pretty lengthy. 

 

 

** edit**

You know, now that I think about it, this resembles a really awesome black and white photo of yourself that you sent me. I love that photo. 

Mindset Reset

I have found myself listening to the Mel Robins podcast as of late. It's been around for a long time, but I'm just discovering it. I listened to a segment this morning about "Mindset Reset." There was a great line that I heard from a guest that was on this segment , "I notice I hold myself back a lot because of how I've been programmed." That resonated with me.  I find myself doing that, whether it be taking chances, playing with my kids , work  , and or exploring / expanding horizons in the bedroom. 

A lot of this is due to the inner voice in my head, fueled by anxiety, and child hood trauma. This is something that I have picked up before, but never really knew how to correct this mindset. One of those easier said than done things. I was able to decern that I need to make it a bit personal. Name this inner voice. Talk to it when you get those thoughts. Tell it to fuck off. I'll be naming mine Jeff. This was probably a subconscious decision stemming from my childhood and high school years, having to deal with the typical Yarmouth prick by the name of Jeff Gray on a daily basis. One of those kids that certainly could have a used a 40mph swing with a metal lunchbox upside the head. I guess I will finally get to tell him off whenever that voice creeps into my head.  

One thing that I learned is that  I can tell myself that I deserve to feel happy, and with any situation ask "does this make me happy?" If the answer is no, then stop. Being a people pleaser, I go out of my way to please everyone else for fear of rejection. This only leads to burnout. When I get burned out, I'm no good to anyone. This includes myself, my son, my partners, friends, family etc. That puts me right back into survival mode. I've been in a constant state of survival mode the last 6 years at the very least. Probably longer than that. Of course not every day is going to be easy. It's okay to have hard days, but I need to at least tell myself that I am a good person, and that I am doing the best that I can. Acknowledge it, add some compassion and self love, to reinforce the mindset reset. If I can love other people deeply, I can love myself deeply. I'm worth it. 

This statement holds true to the term toxic, or toxicity. This statement, is everywhere now a days. Overused and in many cases out of context. Its just another catch-phrase for the self help / awareness pop culture. Sure, there are toxic situations. People are in abusive relationships. Whether it be physical or mental abuse. In this case, it's a toxic relationship. However, Toxic should not be utilized for every situation. Everyone has toxic traits. What we need to focus on is using compassion and empathy to put ourself in an aware state as to why someone may have done what they did, said what they did. It doesn't mean what they did was right, it doesn't mean you have to be okay with the actions. Not everyone is malicious, or vindictive. There needs to be some understanding as to why things play out the way that they do. This is something that I need to work on a bit more. I admit that. 

I couldn't find the exact podcast episode that I was listening to this morning, however here is a segment by Mel Robins that gets into having control of your mind. I suggest grabbing a cup of coffee, some tea, finding a warm spot in the sun and taking it in. 

It's a go

Tonight was a good first session with the therapist. I think that it's going to go well. It was typical intake stuff, but I was able to get a good read on her and I felt comfortable talking to her. I'm looking forward to to getting into the meat and potatoes of everything I need to work through. It'll be a journey It was nice to get some stuff off my chest tonight anyway. I'm not sure where we are going to start, but both her and I certainly have our work cut out for us. My first homework assignment is to be self aware of where I am feeing these feelings and report back to her. Other than that it was a pretty low key day. I was able to go out jogging again tonight. For now it's gelato, Eldamar, and a hot tub. 

First day of therapy

I have my first therapy appointment today, I hope it goes well and that I feel comfortable with the person. I'm looking forward to starting this, I have a lot that I need to work through. Not only with this recent breakup, but just a lot of loss and trauma to deal with. Connections are being made and the truth will be revealed. The post that I wrote the other day was really eye opening to me regarding all of the things that happened just last year. That's not even factoring in childhood stuff.  I'm so twisted over the ending of this relationship right now. I feel like it has me questioning everything about myself. Some days are better than others. I had that churning burning ball in my stomach all day yesterday. I'm out of tears, I'm just left with that dull constant ache.  It had me researching attachment styles the last day and a half to try to figure this out. I try to stay busy to keep my mind occupied. You always come back. when I do get you out of my head,  you creep back again, and then I find myself doing push-ups to get you back out of my head. I broke down the other night and invited you over, I know I shouldn't have. I knew you weren't going to come over. Is it wrong of me to admit I was hoping you would, so you could take your frustrations out on me during a much needed release?

Research list

I developed a list of things that I want to either start or continue researching. I'm putting it here so If I lose my physical list I have a backup. I'll be crossing them off as I research them. 

- Reactionary decisions w/ anxiety

- Trauma Bonds vs. Soul Mates

- The art of letting go

- The happiness mindset

- Moving Forward

- Having hard conversations

- Self forgiveness

- Boundaries

- Open Communication tips

Your inner child pt. 3

For those that are wondering if they have a wounded inner child. Here's a A fairly short video that may be able to help answer the question for you. One would imagine that everyone has some sort of wounded inner child. I wouldn't think that anyone would have made it out of childhood unscathed. I think the question would be to what level of wound has everyone sustained. 

Things suddenly snap into place (holy shit)

I'm taking a break from work at the moment. I had a hard time concentrating this morning, so I figured that I would change up the scenery. I took a shower, packed my stuff up and went down to Rockcity to work for a few hours. It was nice to get out of the house. I treated myself to a Rueben sandwich, seemed like the right thing to do since Monday - Wednesday most of my meals consist of grazing on what ever is available.  A handful of nuts here, some snap peas and hummus there, protein shake etc. It was nice to be around people, even though I wasn't interacting with them. 

I continued to work on my ASPPA certification course that I am currently enrolled in, however, I found out pretty quick that my mind was just wandering, and I kept having to try to refocus. needless to say I wasn't getting much accomplished. I entertained the thought of letting my mind wander a bit, as I've been doing some seemingly endless work on deciphering what went wrong. It really just dawned on me how incredibly stressful of a year it was last year. I knew of everything that was going on as each piece came into play, but it seemed like I didn't have any time to reflect before the next thing happened. No wonder I couldn't hold my shit together, no wonder I had a ton of issues with stress, severe brain fog, disorganization, communication, sorting feelings out. I've been searching for a reason,it just seemed like it snapped into place for me today. 

The beginning of the year saw the passing of my Memere (my fathers mother.) Where I wasn't all too close with that side of the family (due to distance,) I was saddened to see her pass. Shortly after that my girlfriend and her kids moved out of the house due to a number of things, but the major reason at the time was due to a reactionary decision I made which was purely based on anxiety. Was this the only reason why our relationship failed? No, it wasn't. Could our relationship have been saved even if we tried to work through this situation? I'm not sure. Why the fuck didn't we go to couples counseling? I don't know....

As I write this tomorrow is the 1 year anniversary since I lost one of my most favorite people in my life. My Grandmother. After a rapid decline in her physical and cognitive ability she passed away in her sleep finally succumbing to Parkinson's disease. it was a traumatic thing for me to see this happen, and hurt my heart every time that I saw her. I was incredibly saddened to lose her, but I was happy that she was no longer suffering. I look at the photo on my wall daily of me walking her over the sand dunes in Florida. This was the last time that I saw her where she was close to the person that I once knew. Every time I look at this I see it as a metaphor as helping to escort her to the afterlife. 

Things in the family had been high stress surrounding my Grandmother as my Grandfather had been stirring shit within the family for the previous two years, pitting both sides of the family against each other. Two months after my grandmothers passing we lost him. What he actually died from is hard to say. He was hospitalized due to complications of heart failure, however, he contracted covid while in the hospital, so that may officially be his cause of death. I haven't seen his death certificate, so I have no way to tell what the actual cause was. Even though things were bad within the family for the last two years, his passing still impacted me. He loved his grandkids and he was always good to me growing up. He had a lot of anger going through him those last two years due to the split between him and my grandmother. Being 88 years old, and living in an apartment alone, he had nothing better to do than become bitter and resentful. I can somewhat relate to his situation as I had a lot of bitterness and resentment during my divorce as well. The difference between him and I is that I worked through the anger, and have not let is over take my life and consume me. 

No sooner did the funerals for both of my grandparents take place we had to put our dogs down. Spanky contracted cancer, and Lola had the start of  respiratory failure. We opted to put them down before they suffered to much. you can read more about Spanky if you want in another blog post that I have. He was a great friend to me, and even though the last 5 years of his life I wasn't able to keep him in my care, i looked forward to the times that I was able to see him. he was a great companion over the years. 

If we fast forward to the end of the year. We found out that we lost a baby, my little girl who I always wanted. This was just soul crushing. This lead directly into my brother in law having a Major stroke which almost took his life. The doctors still don't know how he is alive. That rocked our family, and watching my kid sister have to go through something like that while I am sitting 1600 miles away was hard for me. I was powerless to really do anything to help her at the time. ( I will be going down at the end of next month to help her with my nephews.) 

Each of these I saw, and felt, and accepted as they came. Due to the immense stress stemming from tension in relationships, loss, grief,  By the time the summer came around I was in a heavy brain fog, which was effecting my daily life, my work life, friendships, relationships & and we hadn't even reached the 2 other major events of the year. Let's take a quick look at how this breakdown.  

Memere dies + My family moving out + Grandmother dies + Grandfather dies + family dogs put down + house flooding+ Losing my baby + almost losing my brother in law + Depression + Anxiety + Job stressors + Fatherhood struggles + Financial struggles =  no. fucking. wonder.

This was a crushing year, this would have been enough to cripple most men i would think. I spent all of last year beating myself up, severely, guilt, sadness, anger...... Did I make some rash decisions, yes I did. Do I wish I would have made some different choices & decisions? I absolutely do 100%.  I admit and I accept that. However, I need to realize and accept that this was an incredibly difficult year (Even harder than the year I got divorced,) and I need to treat myself with some sort of tenderness and grace. stop beating myself up and forgive myself.  How I didn't really put all of this together and add it up to see what this equated to is beyond me. I think I kept on moving forward as a coping mechanism. That's the only way that I could see how I made it through. Make it through one shitstorm before dealing with the next one. I'm really interested to see what my Therapist has to say about all of this on Wednesday. That's fucking heavy. I wish that others could recognize that....

Despite all of the loss and craziness that happened last year, I was at least still able to find some beauty. I enjoyed the weather last summer, I was able to start jogging and did it on a fairly consistent basis. Lost enough weight to no longer be borderline diabetic,  Had a great time on our family vacation in Florida. I also shared an amazing weekend in NH with a beautiful person, in a beautiful place. I'm proud of myself for being able to see that, because sometimes when the going gets tough, and the stress, depression and anxiety kick in, it forces me to get into my head & then I focus on the negatives. Amongst all the death there was some beauty. 

Fernalds Neck

    Last nights BBQ was a good time. The weather turned, so it was a bit chilly as the night carried on. Food was good, the kids got to play in the yard and use the outdoor hot tub and I met a few new people. It was nice to have adult conversation, laugh, and have a few beers by the fire. Today was rather low key. spent some time catching up with family, and was able to meet up with my old friend who happened to be in town for the weekend. We hit up a Fernalds Neck out in Lincolnville. Awesome hike, great wooded trail, tons of huge trees, great view over Megunticook lake. A lake that I have been to a hundred times, however this was a whole other area and perspective that I have not seen yet. 

    The interesting thing is that I have driven by the road a hundred times on my way to Belfast and never knew that there was a hike at the end of it. We only did one trail, so I plan on going back to do the Orange trail next. Pretty easy hike but the whole hike was gorgeous. We spent the hike catching up and reminiscing the old days when we were road hardened show goers. Overall I am super glad that we were able to meet up.

 I headed back to South Thomaston an old familiar way. I probably should have traveled a different path as I immediately was flooded with memories, and a lot of feelings. I had a anxious fiery pang in my chest, it's been with me most of the afternoon. I'm exceptionally horny tonight. I just want to get dirty with you. ugh. This is so hard. Tub is definitely on the agenda tonight.  

 

Your Inner Child pt. 2

 I found a pretty neat resource on youtube that explains some pretty complex issues in a easier to understand format. This is proving to be useful and is opening my eyes to some things. To continue with the inner child concept that I am working on absorbing I wanted to share two short videos. The first one is about how what you experience as a child shapes your love style. I'm 100% the pleaser. I think this stems from growing up in a household with a father who was military who needed things done a certain way, and, to me, nothing could ever be done good enough. whether it be chores, or being compared academically to my sister. I have partial memories of me giving things to my parents or being overly friendly, specifically to try to earn that feeling of acceptance. 

This absolutely ties into what I do in my relationships. I want to make my partner happy I want that feeling of acceptance and love, so I will do anything to help. I find myself picking up extra slack around the house, alter plans last minute if they need help etc.. I do realize that this is to a fault as sometimes I do so much that I don't stop and this leads to burnout. 

This second video is about how your childhood experiences shape your personality. I find these to be pretty interesting and I find myself being comprised of a different elements across different categories. There is going to be one other video that I will post regarding having a "wounded inner child," but that's for a different post. 

 Are you able to determine which ones you are? If so, I'd be happy to hear about it. feel free to leave comments. You can find the youtube channel down below. I recommend checking them out. they have hundreds of videos covering all sorts of different topics. If you have something that you are trying to work through, you'll probably be able to find it here:

Psych2go youtube channel

The Sunny Days

The weekend! I slept in today, until 8. it was nice to stay wrapped up in the blankets and not have to rush this morning. I was able to catch up with my sister, which is always nice. I find that the older we get the better of a relationship that we have. I'm looking forward to going out there next month to help her with my nephews. Did a few quick errands, shipped out some mail orders and stopped at the record shop to fill the bins. Had a nice conversation with a guy that was flipping through records when I went in. He was stoked to find a copy of The carpenters for his wife and an REO Speedwagon record. Once I made it back to the house, I found myself with the opportunity to be kid free for a few hours today so I took the opportunity to head out to Port Clyde. With sun out, it just seemed like a good idea to head out for a drive. I had a chance to stop in at one of my favorite roadside stands on the way and picked up a fresh loaf of Molasses & Oat bread, as well as some home made BBQ sauce (I was going for the hot sauce, but they were out.)

 Next stop was to drift in beach where where I found myself a nice spot on a rock and continued reading the book that I am in the middle of. The book is called the hilarious world of depression. Kind of like a memoir of some ones experience with depression while growing up. This was one of those "read 1 paragraph on the back cover to see if you'll like it sort of things." I decided to take a chance on it. Turns out it's pretty good. I find myself having a lot in common with the Author. Childhood trauma, and the feeling of not fitting in slowly turning into depression, finding his outlet through hardcore punk music like Black Flag & the Freeze. that was a nice surprise as it didn't mention anything of the sort on the back cover. Interesting enough I was in a conversation yesterday about channeling my sadness and anger into that kind of music when I was growing up.  It was nice to soak in the sun, the warmth felt nice. The ride home was spent jamming tunes and singing along. I noticed that I have started getting goose bumps again when I listen to music, I love the Euphoric feeling. I missed it and I'm glad it's back.

I was invited to a BBQ later today, so I figured this is a chance to get out of the house, and maybe meet some new people. At the very least, I can eat a burger and talk about music & records with James. I received and email from my old high-school friend John, he said he is going to be in town and  staying at the Tradewinds this weekend. Hopefully tomorrow we can link up and maybe go hiking. would be nice to say that I actually had established plans ALL WEEKEND aside from the usual chores and puttering that I find myself doing.  Tonight I think i'm gonna treat myself to another tub, might even splurge and get the bubble bath i'm so fond of. May attempt another contact of my younger self tonight to let him know he is loved and safe. 

Your Inner Child pt. 1

 This is going to be quick because I'm tired, but felt compelled to update. After copious amounts of research this week, and a common theme of reaching out to your inner child. I decided to do just that. I won't share the letter here as there was information that I divulged that I was actually able to express out loud for the 1st time, and it's not something that I want going public. I was proud of myself though for holding it, staring at it and accepting it for what it was. the point of this letter was to let the 10 year old version of myself that is scared know that he is loved and cherished. He matters and is worthy. I read through it many times today with the intent of this letter permeating my conscious so he could hear it. 

Where it has been an emotional week, tonight I decided to fill up the tub, took some cannabis oil, put on some 432hz healing music and closed my eyes. the intent aside from relaxing was to wander the corridors of my inner self and try to find 10yr old Matt. I'm not sure how long I was trying to find him, I do know that I didn't find him and I was jolted out of it. I'll try again this weekend. I did lay in the tub for a bit and reflected on the week, and conversations had. My mind wandered off at one point and started thinking about the nights we had. I snapped to mid fantasy and realized what I was thinking. God i'd love to have just one more night with you.... 

Female Covert Narcissism

I've been going down the self help rabbit hole with podcasts, books and reading. I feel like there is never enough information in regards to Narcs. Helpful information for those who a questioning who their partner is. 

 

Soar

Today

I threw my hands in the air,

and, I let you go,

so you can fly. 

The world is cruel,

but my love is not. 

I will miss you.

Soar. 

Bean

Something I wrote a back around mid October. You'd be arriving in two more months. I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I'm not well. Maybe you could be with me, just for a little while. 

I never thought I would be in a position in my life where I would be writing a letter to my unborn child. I know you were only a few weeks old, but I believe life starts at conception. You were only the size of a bean, but you were on your way to becoming a major part of my life in just a few short months. I won't have that chance to meet you.

    I said I believe life starts at conception, but I also believe the unborn choose who they want to be with. I take comfort in the fact you know who I am. I'm your father. Although I was not planning on having you , you chose us. I'd be lying if I would say I wasn't scared. I was, but I knew that I would have made it work I would have found a way to be a good father to you. I always wanted a daughter. I'm not sure if that's what you would have been been, but I can imagine.

    You were created out of love. Your Mother is very beautiful and I have no doubt you would have followed in her footsteps. You would have had 3 brothers. All different in their own right, but full of love. They would have done a wonderful job of protecting and looking out for you. you would have been surrounded by love and you would have provided the same to us. I've spent the last few weeks wondering what you would have looked like. What your interests would have been, what and or who you would have turned out to be. I didn't get a chance to meet you, but I love you. I love you because you are a part of me and because I love your mother. Even though you were to small to have a heartbeat, your heart would have been big and you would have been able to love deeply. 

I am saddened that I won't get to rock you, or have late nights with you, or see your first toothless smile and all of the other things that I would have loved to experience with you. I won't forget you. Weird to verbalize since I never met you, I'm sure you understand what I mean. I hope to meet you some day, maybe when the time comes for me to pass. I know your mom won't forget you either. Thank you for bringing us closer together & please look after her and your brothers. They would have loved  you. Say hello to Leigh , Doris, and Normand for me. You would have been my little princess. 

Your name would have been Lane Leigh Dionne. 

Love,

Dad